These are instructions for folding. Please follow exactly.

Instructions for folding part 1: Environment

Your environment is very important to your folding experience. Should the environment be incorrect your folding will likewise be incorrect. Should the environment be chaotic, your folding will likewise be chaotic. Only if your environment is becalmed and true will your folding likewise be becalmed and true.

First, you will need a room. The room should be clean. The room should be sunny. There can be no windows in the room. The room must be at least the width of your arms outspread plus the length of your legs curled up. There can be no cats in the room. The room must have airflow, but this air may neither be warm nor cold. There may be no strangers in the room. Double check that there are no strangers in the room. Are you sure that there are no strangers in the room?

Second, you will need an atmosphere. The atmosphere should be shrouded. The atmosphere should be palpable. There may be no accompanying music, but you are welcome to imagine music in your head. You may not imagine windchimes. You may not imagine the voice of a child singing. You may not imagine escape. The atmosphere must include a scent. The scent must be pleasant. The scent may not be flowers. The scent may not be tobacco or starchy pasta water. The scent may not be old books, whether dusty or musty. The scent must be raspberries.

This has been part 1 of instructions for folding.

And now for the news:

Adder Boulevard between Route 800 and the Shambling Orphan housing development has decided, after a great deal of thought and prayer, to leave Night Vale for the big city. We thank Adder Boulevard for its years of dedicated service as an important thoroughfare and wish it luck in whatever new opportunities it chooses to pursue. Applications are open now for a replacement road. Any road planning to apply should include two references and a headshot.

Ryan LeFleur has announced that he is putting his De Tours taxi cab app on hold due to some recent incidents involving the driverless cars that are piloted by ghosts. My own experience, as you know, was flawless, minus the fact that it took a lot longer than driving myself and I had to crawl through a crypt to get to my destination. But others have not had such a good experience.

Don Cheadle (no relation to the famous Don Cheadle who won a Nobel Prize in chemistry) said that he called a driverless car to take him for his weekly haircut at the Blindfolded Dentist Salon and Nail Bar. But instead of driving him there, the car stayed parked in front of his house while a young woman in a white dress with black hair hanging over her face slowly crawled over the seats toward him. “She crawled so slowly, making this weird chattering noise,” Don said, “so I realized it was going to take too long and just got out and walked. I’ll never use that service again.”

Also there have been at least ten fatalities related to the driverless cabs.

LeFleur said that he is disappointed that he has to pause his app’s operations, but he pointed out, if driverless cars are causing injuries or deaths, they must be immediately pulled from the roads. “Only a complete fool wouldn’t do that at the first sign of trouble,” LeFleur said. “An irresponsible fool who would be subsequently personally liable for every death his cars caused.”

Well, I for one can’t wait until I can once again be driven around Night Vale by a ghost.

This has been the news.

Instructions for folding part 2: Materials

In order to commence folding, the proper materials must be at hand. As the saying goes, if you can’t fold [the following is made indecipherable by an audio effect like a very old and warped vinyl record] you can’t behold. [effect ends]

First you will need a table. The table must be wooden. The table must be hollow. The table must have corners, and the corners must be sharp. They must be sharp enough to hurt. You must hurt yourself on the table, only then can you be sure.

You will need an implement. The implement must be stolen from an innocent. The innocent must know you have taken it. The innocent must feel sorrow over the theft. If the innocent feels betrayal, all the better. The more betrayal, the better the implement.

Finally, you will need a structure. The structure must be taller than you are, but shorter than you wish you could be. The structure must be primarily made of metal, but may contain parts constructed from wood, leather, animal bones, and/or play dough. The structure must be able to withstand 500 pounds of weight, which can be easily measured by picking up a 500 pound weight and placing it on the structure. If it collapses, it wasn’t strong enough.

This has been part 2 of instructions for folding.

And now for a word from our sponsors. Today’s word is “Bungalow”.

Let’s take another visit to our Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Kids, did you know that an avocado is technically a berry, while a strawberry is a lie we tell ourselves to make life feel worthwhile? It’s true!

Did you know that a cloud is just hundreds of drops of water and all of them are best friends and have no idea they are about to hurdle to the earth? It’s true!

Did you know that the oldest living thing is an unnamed bristlecone pine tree while the youngest living thing is named Reginald and is currently crowning? It’s true!

Did you know that every fig grows around the dead body of a wasp? That one is especially true, and you should look it up online because it is an actual true thing you will never be able to unknow.

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Instructions for folding part 3: Warnings for the beginner.

If this is your first time folding, there are a few advisories and cautions that must be enumerated.

The first is the warning of the body. There might be tremblings, vibrations, schisms, and other adverse reactions in such areas as spine, eyes, teeth, neck, chest cavity, pelvic bone, toes, brain, and wrist. This list is not comprehensive. Please seek the advice of a doctor before attempting folding. If the doctor tells you not to, try a different doctor. Eventually you’ll find one that tells you what you want to hear.

The second is the warning of the spirit. There might be fear, horror, malaise, years of depression spiked with nights of anxiety, and overall it might be a bummer. While we cannot promise you what your own experience of folding will be, it would be a good idea to look into yourself and decide whether you’re the kind of person who is right for folding, or whether you are a pitiful coward. Only you can make that determination.

The third is the warning of the mind. The physics of folding must not be thought about in any detail, or else loss of reality may occur. If loss of reality occurs, stand still and call out loudly until reality finds you again.

This has been instructions for folding part 3

The following is a test of our emergency broadcast system.

OH NO! OH NO DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED??? OH MY GOD. I NEVER THOUGHT. I NEVER DREAMED. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO RIGHT NOW? SHOULD I CLOSE ALL THE WINDOWS? I’LL CLOSE ALL THE WINDOWS. MAYBE THAT WILL HELP. OK. OK CECIL. JUST BREATHE. JUST BREATHE AND IT’LL BE OK. [frantic attempts at meditative breathing] IT’S NOT HELPING. NOTHING IS HELPING. OH GOD OH NO. WE’RE ALL DOOMED. WE’RE ALL DOOMED WE’RE ALL DOOMED

This has been a test of our emergency broadcast system. In the event of a real emergency, ooo boy you’re on your own.

And now an editorial, from the Night Vale Community Radio editorial board. Which is me.

Socks right? Like, I’ve already got shoes. But now I need shoes inside of my shoes, so I don’t walk directly on my shoes? What are we doing here? Am I going to need shoes to go inside of my socks so I don’t directly touch my socks? Where does it end? It’s a slippery slope, the kind of slope that, by the way, it would be dangerous to try to walk on in socks. I say: no more of the tyranny of socks. Wear shoes the natural way, directly on the skin, so that you can really get the feel of the material, really squish your toes around in there. Banish the memory of socks to the scrapheap of history where it belongs.

This has been an editorial from the Night Vale Community Radio editorial board.

Which is me.

Instructions for folding part 4: A philosophy of folding

Before practical instruction can be provided, we must first consider the purpose and meaning of folding. Without these, the act of folding itself is an empty grotesquery, a twisting without substance.

The first meaning of folding is a celebration of transformation. Merely by folding, we take something and turn it into something else. Is the new thing better? That is not the point. The point of folding is not to improve, but to change.

The second meaning of folding is an acceptance of loss. Because yes, you will lose much during the folding. Much that you thought you could not live without will not be there after the folding. And yet, you will find that a new kind of life exists on the other side of the unthinkable, and that eventually this new provisional life will just become the rest of your life. This is what the folding teaches us.

The third meaning of folding is worship of [lost in the same old and warped vinyl record effect] the King Emperor of The Red Mountains. [effect ends] May we all fold screaming into his loving arms.

This has been instructions for folding part 4.

In the interest of my listeners’ edification, I thought it would be nice to share some of my favorite quotes from famous people. When I come across a great quote, I write it down in my inspiration notebook that I read any time I need a little bit of a mental pick me up. So let me just flip through and find some good ones. Let’s see…

FDR said “I’m super scared about being scared. Being scared is so scary, man.”

Neil Armstrong said: "This is one small step for a man. One tiny little step. Oooh look how itty bitty my little feet are. I'm gonna take the smalllllest step now."

Einstein said “God ain’t playing.”

Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.” And that’s all he said, he never said anything else of note, don’t look into it.

Maya Angelou said “When you know better, do better. When you know how to beat Midra, Lord of the Frenzied Flame, then leave a summon sign so you can help others beat him. Be considerate!”

And finally, Bruce Springsteen said “Right before I die, I want to eat as many Philly cheesesteaks as possible. I’m going to cram them in there. I want to face God on God’s own terms: with a song in my heart and the rest of my body full of Philly cheesesteaks”

Ok, I hope you feel inspired now, because the folding will begin soon.

Instructions for folding part 5: Troubleshooting and emergency situations

Scenario A: You have folded and cannot unfold. This is the intended result. Please endure your new folded existence.

Scenario B: You cannot fold. Perhaps you were not ready to fold. Perhaps you are not the kind of person who is able to fold. Perhaps you are just not living up to the best version of yourself. In any case, what a disappointment.

Scenario C: You were about to fold, but through the window, which we clearly said could not be in the folding room, you heard a summer storm approaching. Gusts of hot wind and a torrent of rain, towering clouds that are simultaneously insubstantial and threatening. You imagined stripping down and standing in the rain, until your skin and the water are the same temperature, until the distinction between yourself and the world begins to feel theoretical. And then a little longer still. Until you are no more than a fleeting aspect of the weather.

[weather]

Instructions for folding part 6: instructions for folding

Now that you are ready to begin, you must lay on the ground. Feel it cold beneath you. Take several breaths. Ok, those oughta do you . You can stop breathing now.

Turn your elbow 90 degrees. Now turn your elbow 90 degrees. Then turn your elbow 90 degrees.

Shift your eyes. Bring your nose closer to your lips. Turn your neck to the two o’clock position. AM, not PM.

Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttcccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Take your heel and tuck it under your ankle. Let your knees get loose. Let your knees really get loose. Pretend you don’t have knees. And then, actually don’t have knees.

Feel your skin get floppier. Gently, let your skin slough away. Set it aside for later. You might need it later. As they say, reduce, reuse, regret.

Now it is time to think about your bones. They are truly gelatinous things, pretending at solidity. Let go of pretense. Why lie to yourself about structure, about posture, about everything in your life that you are always lying to yourself about? Imagine the dagger sharp relief of honesty. Imagine the truth like a hand just above boiling water. How easy it would be to dip.

And now, do it. Admit to yourself that you are fragile. Admit to yourself that you are not only foldable but in so many ways already folded. Admit that the folding started long before you even thought of folding, that the folding is not only something you want to do, not only something you have already done, it is an inescapable element of who you are.

Admit all of that, and sit with that truth.

Now fold yourself.

And fold yourself.

[very slow fade out]