Happy random Sunday afternoon to all who celebrate. Welcome to Night Vale.

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Junior high school students Alejandra Nuñez, Ronnie Sharma, and Nanako (NAH-nuh-koh) Barnes of Mr. Prescott’s 5th Period AP English Class announced today that they no longer wish to be referred to as The Library Tweens. The trio became a social media sensation last year when they defeated several hungry librarians and later led the revolution against Mother Lauren, who you may remember tried to destroy our town.

Weary media members who don’t like to have to keep repeating Alejandra Nuñez, Ronnie Sharma, and Nanako Barnes of Mr. Prescott’s 5th Period AP English Class, just shortened the whole thing to Library Tweens, but apparently an exalted nickname from celebrated journalists is not enough for these superstars.

So they’re workshopping new names for their group. They formed an LLC and are trying to get a company credit card, though it’s requiring their parents to co-sign on all of that. Their mission is to protect the city from more than just Librarians. Plus they want to keep up their business long after they’re out of their tween-hood. So Library Tweens doesn’t have staying power as a name. Well, I’m glad they’re keeping up their vigilante-ism. This is good timing, because there’s a gang of Cattle Rustlers out on the edge of town coming to rustle up all of our cattle.

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In other news there’s a gang of Cattle Rustlers out on the edge of town coming to rustle up all of our cattle. They first approached Larry Leroy, who doesn’t own any cattle. And he doesn’t know anyone who does own cattle. But he directed them to John Peters, you know, the farmer, suggesting that John might have some invisible cattle. Larry, unfortunately, misheard the cattle rustlers when they introduced themselves, thinking they had said “cattle rasslers” and they were just looking for some cattle to fight in a sanctioned match.

But these cattle rustlers mean business and they’re coming for your precious cattle, Night Vale. More on this soon.

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But first a Public Service Announcement from the Greater Night Vale Medical Community. The GNVMC would like everyone to know that the spiders you swallow when you sleep are super nutritious. Stop worrying about twitchy little arachnids sliding down your throat every night while you doze. They’re good for you. Here’s a good mental exercise the medical community suggested: Don’t think of it as accidentally swallowing spiders while you snooze. Think of it like you’re eating a bowl of cereal. But instead of crispy flakes, crunchy spiders. And instead of milk, saliva. You’re not so creeped out anymore right? The GNVMC, though, said that the wasps that crawl into your ear and lay eggs every night… Those are less healthy. This has been a PSA.

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The group formerly known as the Library Tweens is still in a focus group meeting trying to come up with a new name. The focus group is taking place in the back corner of the cafeteria at the newly re-named Marcus Vanston Junior High (Go Billionaires!) Some of the names they sketched out on their notebooks included The Vengeance Club, Ninja Squad, an unpronounceable symbol that depicts an eagle holding a katana, The Triumph-virate, Triple Trouble, and Ale-ron-ako, which is a merger of their three first names, but to me kind of sounds like an online-only auto insurance company.

They also need to set up some social media accounts and schedule team meetings, and maybe even get an agent. But sadly, the bell has rung for the end of lunch, so their new name will have to wait, but how long until they can swing into action? There is trouble in Night Vale right now, and I’m not so sure we can rely on a vigilante team to protect our town, if they can only save us outside of school hours.

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I’ve received word that the cattle rustlers have made their way deeper into our town. They plan to rustle every cattle they can find. They shook down John Peters, but he said he doesn’t own any cattle, as cattle love to eat invisible corn. And he has big plans for his invisible corn. He can’t be having cattle around to devour his livelihood. He suggested they try the Night Vale Zoo.

“They got all kindsa critters there,” John said. “Surely they got some cattle you can rassle.”

The cattle rustlers drifted through the sandwastes until they finally found some cattle to rustle. The cattle were two steers named Robert and Lucius, and they belonged to Harrison Kip, archaeology professor at Night Vale Community College.

Harrison and several other members from his… church? temple? place of worship? were preparing to sacrifice the cattle to whatever god they serve by dropping a 2017 Toyota Tacoma on them from a crane, but the whole ceremony was disrupted by the roving band of cattle rustlers who quickly rustled those cattle away. Harrison kicked the dirt and said “Well gosh, don’t wanna let our God down now, do we?” before he randomly called on two volunteers from his group to take the place of Robert and Lucius.

The rustlers are coming for our cattle, Night Vale. Who will save us?

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And now let’s have a look at traffic. In the westbound lanes of Route 800, near exit 13, there’s a row of five Kia Sportages, all in Sapphire Blue, EX package. What a coincidental alignment. In many cultures, this is considered good luck. Did you know that the Mayans had never even SEEN a Kia Sportage, let alone conceived of a moment when five Kia Sportages, all of them in Sapphire Blue, could be on a highway, in a row?

Many pre-colonial Polynesian people developed advanced navigational skills for sailing across the vast, seemingly endless Pacific Ocean, but they couldn’t begin to comprehend the probability that a rural highway in the southwestern United States would ever see five Kia Sportages so perfectly aligned, not just in color, but trim package as well.

It’s quite a moment on the roadways today. If you see a line of Sapphire Blue Kia Sportages with the EX package, make sure you thank them for their service to our country.

This has been traffic.

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Reports are city wide that nearly all of Night Vale’s cattle have been rustled, from the grassy leas of Old Town Night Vale to the vast pastures of the Barista District.

Again I ask: Who will save our town?

The Night Vale City Council, which includes retired teen militia leader Tamika Flynn, has called on the Sheriff’s Secret Police to stop these cattle rustlers. They sent Sheriff Sam out to confront them directly. But when the Sheriff arrived, they realized that the cattle rustlers were all ghosts. Centuries-old spirits of the West come to steal our cattle. Upon seeing their translucent forms, hollow eyes, and hearing their ghastly wails, Sheriff Sam got super scared and ran away. Not before firing a few shots at the ghosts, of course. But the bullets just went right through them, and into a nearby parked Kia Sportage, which was later charged with interfering in a police investigation.

Meanwhile, the trio formerly known as the Library Tweens have decided on a new name: The Triangle. They already put out their new logo on social media, which is, unsurprisingly, shaped like a triangle. The three points represent Justice, Responsibility, and Teamwork. The logo’s three sides are comprised of three arms high-fiving each other. Soooo… they got that done. They also started a TikTok and opened a merch store. That’s a lot of marketing and no action.

The media reached out to The Triangle for comment, but they apparently just left on a school field trip, so who knows when they’ll get around to stopping these ghost cattle rustlers.

Listeners, maybe we should all band together to stop the theft of our precious cattle. I can hear you turning off your radios and hiding under your beds right now, Night Vale. Do not be afraid. If we cannot stand up for ourselves then who will stand up for--- oh god. I’m looking outside the window of my studio. There’s a line of men with long mustaches, leather chaps, and wide-brimmed hats. They have with them hundreds of cattle they have stolen from our city and they mean to steal every last one.

I see their leader sitting atop his horse – also a cursed apparition. He is scanning the horizon with his empty white eyes. He is turning his head, and… he is looking at me. Now he’s pointing at me. The others are turning to look at me, too. They’re coming this way. Oh god I’ve got to hide this cattle I bought for all the Shawns in our sales office.

Side note: I bought a bunch of cattle last week. They were supposed to be a bonus gift for exceeding Quarter 2 sales goals. But now these dead old cowboys mean to take the cattle from me. Night Vale, come together as a community. Let your fears drown in a sea of unity. Rise up, listeners, and come save me! While you grab your torches and sharpened broom handles and call all your friends, you can listen to the weather.

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WEATHER

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It’s understandable that you did not want to leave the safety of your homes, Night Vale. A few of you tried, but upon seeing no others carrying torches and sharpened broom handles, you quickly scurried back under your beds and into your closets holding your precious cattle close and whispering, “Don’t moo, Stephanie. Not now or they shall find us. They shall find us and tear our family asunder.”

I understand. I was scared too.

I texted Carlos during the weather, telling him to hide the calves he was raising for a new scientific research project called “Do cows like hugs? Signs point to YES!” He texted back to say our new neighbors, a delightful young couple named Wilson and Amber, came over earlier in the day with some clothes their children had outgrown. They dressed the calves up in overalls and booties. When the cattle rustlers came by they simply said: “Them’s cute kids y’all got. You know where we can rustle up some cattle?” Carlos suggested Red Mesa or Desert Bluffs Too would be great towns for stealing cattle, but his voice was shaking because he was nervous the two calves would start mooing for hugs or milk or whatever it is cows need to live. But the calves just hunched over and chewed on the lawn like two normal children, and the cattle rustlers moved on.

Unfortunately, they did not leave for another town like Carlos helpfully suggested. They made their way to my radio station. The cattle rustlers weren’t aggressive, just determined. Still, I was scared. Their dull white eyes and the way they glided instead of moseying, like normal cowboys. Their haunting wails and the chill they created as they moved past me.

The cattle rustlers found the cattle I’d been hiding in the breakroom pantry for the last two weeks, hoping to surprise our sales team tomorrow at the monthly all-staff meeting, with these gifts of gratitude.

I meekly protested but the ghostly rustlers only stared silently at me until my voice shrunk to nothing out of fright. They took the cattle, but as they were leaving my station I heard synthesizer music, and a Japanese pop song. I looked out from under my desk and I saw three young people flying, feet first, in a perfect triangular formation, lines dashing frantically behind them and the sound of wind beneath their warlike cries.

It was Alejandra Nuñez, Ronnie Sharma, and Nanako Barnes of Mr. Prescott’s 5th Period AP English Class. The Triangle. In fact the whole class was outside my studio holding up homemade torches and sharpened broom handles. They had made these items as part of their class project about the classic 17th Century French novel A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.

Mr. Prescott loved Alejandra, Ronnie, and Nanako’s idea of the Triangle and thought it would be really educational to take his students on a field trip to the library to read some kick-ass manga. But on the way there, the class heard on the radio that the town was in trouble, and they all wanted to help.

Their appearance in my studio at first confused the cattle rustlers, but then a tense standoff began. Ronnie tried to tackle one, but he went right through that cowboy ghost. Nanako attempted a sweep of the legs, but again, nothing. Alejandra and Mr. Prescott led the other kids in a full-on charge at the rustlers, but nothing worked.

Then we heard a voice, distorted and loud, echoing through the streets. “Step back,” the voice said. “Stand away from the ghosts.”

It was Tamika Flynn. I could see her right outside my studio, Sheriff Sam and the rest of the Secret Police cowering behind her. Tamika then ordered the officers to take the cattle from the cattle rustlers, but none of them would move. They were so scared of the ghosts. Tamika repeated her order, reassuring them that ghosts can’t hurt them. But it wasn’t working.

The cattle rustlers saw the cowardice they were dealing with, and they whistled for the cattle to fall in line. As the last cow got in formation, the rustlers began to lead them away; their criminal work here was done.

“They’re just ghosts!” came a shout. It was Nanako Barnes.

“Right,” Ronnie Sharma agreed. “They’re incorporeal!”

And then Alejandra Nuñez roared: “They can’t touch us. Let’s just take the cattle.”

Mr. Prescott and the rest of the 5th Period English Class rushed forward. The cattle rustlers tried to fight them off, but they’re ghosts. What are they gonna do about it? Their intangible forms just whiffed right through each kid. And the students rounded the cattle up and walked them all back home to their rightful owners. Except for Harrison Kip. Everyone’s a bit freaked out over his weird religion. So his two steers, Robert and Lucius, were instead gifted to Night Vale High School’s 4-H Club, where they’ll be sacrificed in a normal way to a normal god.

The Sheriff’s Secret Police then raised Alejandra, Ronnie, and Nanako up on their shoulders yelling “The Triangle Saved Night Vale. Huzzah!” But the three students asked to be put down.

Alejandra said, “WE are not The Triangle.”

Ronnie said, “We are ALL the Triangle.”

Nanako said, “YOU are the Triangle. We should celebrate everyone who believes in Justice, Responsibility and Teamwork.”

She said this into her camera. Then the three of them did a jumping high five that seemed to pause at the apex of their leap. After that they posted the video to their TikTok.

Council Member Tamika Flynn was walking back to her office when Alejandra Nuñez said “Wait!”

“There’s someone special we have to thank,” Ronnie Sharma added.

“Ms. Flynn,” Nanako Barnes said humbly. “Thank you. For being a shining example of leadership through action. For being a trailblazer in youth activism. Thank you… for everything.”

At this, Tamika teared up a little and said, “Wow, I really appreciate you acknowledging that. You know, I was feeling a little bit brushed aside a while back when you all –”

“Wait! Say it on camera,” Alejandra snapped. And then they did a few more takes of this exchange with Tamika Flynn for social media.

In the end everyone was glad to go home, and all the Shawns in my sales department are going to be so excited to get some cows tomorrow.

Stay tuned next for a smell coming from the break room pantry, a smell you’ll never be able to remove fully from your sinuses.

And as always, good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: If the walls had ears, they’d really match this area rug, which is made of ears.