DEB: Sometimes you want one thing, but what you get is something else that looks, sounds, smells, tastes, and acts just like that thing you wanted. It’s disappointing. Welcome to Paid Programming.

###

Oh hey there, Night Vale. Your regular host of this show, Cecil, is on vacation, so Station Management (which is also Cecil) decided to replace this timeslot with an infomercial. Station Management knows its listeners love nothing more than to be pitched a product for 30 straight minutes by me, Deb, a sentient patch of haze.

Plus, Cecil didn’t want to have to worry about finding someone he could trust to do his regular show. Just plug and play with these infomercials, you know. And now he gets to go far away and not think about work at all. Unlike me, who loves to think about work. Even more than thinking about work, I like to do work. What a drag to have a day away from work with no activity or care or purpose. No, no, not for Deb. I love being pigeon-holed into the role of spokeshaze for all kinds of companies and products. I don’t discriminate on which products or companies, because I am a professional.

It's a curse and blessing, don’t you know, becoming a posterhaze for these companies. That’s great when it’s a beloved corporation like Best Buy or Phillip-Morris, but when I’ve pitched a product for a company that becomes embroiled in controversy, like Volkswagen or Enron, it really drags me down, too. Such a bummer when a trustworthy corporation that everyone loves suddenly turns into a Milkshake Duck.

If you’re not familiar, Milkshake Duck is internet slang for something that was likable but turned out to be bad. It refers to the time Waffle House debuted their new duck-flavored milkshake, which everyone loved. But then everyone found out they made it by putting an entire duck in a Vitamix. They didn’t clean the bird first, or even de-bone it. Ugh.

But that won’t be the case today. No, today, I’m here to promote a fine product, one everyone can use.

Listeners, tell me this. Have you ever gone to your local library? Maybe you’ve tried to check out a book or pay a fine or get change for a twenty? Maybe you just want to get on the internet and tend to your Neopets, which have grown very old and sick these last 20 years. Who knows why you’re in a library? The point is, have you ever gone into the library hoping to do something – anything – only to get hunted, followed, or even violently assaulted by a librarian. Maybe you made too much noise. Or maybe your book was overdue. Or maybe you tried to view forbidden news websites. Or maybe you just look delicious.

It shouldn’t matter the reason, though. You shouldn’t be getting eaten or attacked or even tracked by giant beasts anywhere, let alone a library. But do I have a solution for you. You betcha I do.

Try SHELF DEFENSE, the best Librarian repellent on the market today. In fact, it’s the only librarian repellent. It’s 100% effective at keeping those stack-stalking serpents away.

AND… it’s so easy to use. You just spritz a little behind the ears. A couple of pffts on the wrists. A big ol’ hose down of the armpits, and, uh, yeah, down there too. You’ll wanna cover that part as well. And voila! You’re virtually invisible to those monsters.

###

“But Deb, you’re just a sentient patch of haze, what do you know about getting eaten by librarians.” That’s fair. That’s also why I’ve brought along an expert in this matter. Please welcome former librarian-conqueror and current Night Vale City Council Member, Tamika Flynn.

[zap sound effect]

Wow! Tamika you appeared outta nowhere!

TAMIKA: I sure did, Deb, thanks to my new Teleportmanteau! I bought one of these handy devices after hearing your infomercial about them yesterday. As a listener of Cecil’s radio show, I really do love buying things, and the Teleportmanteau allows me to “zip, zap, zop!” anywhere I want to go!

[zop sfx – the zop is the sound of leaving, whereas the zap is the sound of arriving]

DEB: Oh heavens, Tamika’s gone!

[zap]

TAMIKA: Nah, bestie, I’m playing with you.

DEB: Hahahaha, you got me good, Tamika. Hahahaha. [dead serious] Don’t do it again.

TAMIKA: Okaaaay….

DEB: So, Tamika, what would you say if I told you that just a couple of spritzes on your body could fully protect you from all librarian attacks?

TAMIKA: I’d say you were a sentient patch of something other than haze, Deb!

DEB: [dry] Good one, Tamika. [peppy again] Well, it’s real! And it’s called SHELF DEFENSE. There it is right in front of you. As an experienced adventurer of this city’s library system, you’re going to demonstrate the product’s effectiveness. You’ll just spray some on and then walk around the library. I’ve set up cameras there so we can witness how the librarians slink away from your presence.

[long pause]

TAMIKA: Have you not tested this spray yet? I’m not going to be your guinea pig.

DEB: Of course we’ve tested it.

TAMIKA: Like in a lab? Are there peer-reviewed journals that can attest to its effectiveness?

DEB: Well, we at SHELF DEFENSE LLC don’t have any scientists on staff, per se, but the marketing team definitely tested it. They sprayed it on each other, and it smelled so rancid that none of them could go near each other, or anyone else, for weeks. You tell me if a librarian would want to get near this smell.

[spritz-spritz sfx]

TAMIKA: Oh god. Oh. GOD. Ugh. [you can really go to town on how disgusting it is]

DEB: Shelf Defense! Get your bottle for 3 easy payments of only $29.95. And if you call in the next 30 minutes, we’ll throw in a 24-pack of tourniquets. You can use these fun little straps to staunch unwanted blood loss, or wear them as belts, maybe as a headband. You can use them as a leash for your dogs. Maybe you want to gently and consensually whip a special someone for being a little naughty. And/or they’re twist ties for your sandwich bags. Dealer’s choice.

So call right now to get your bottle of Shelf Defense and a case of tourniquets.

###

Now, Tamika, let’s get to that demonstration of our library repellent. Yah?

TAMIKA: Why don’t you test it, Deb? And I’ll emcee the action.

DEB: Oh now that wouldn’t work at all. Librarians don’t eat sentient patches of haze, not because we’re not nutritious, but because librarians and hazes have a symbiotic relationship. You know, like sharks and remoras, or plover birds and crocodiles, or giant squid and golden retrievers.

Sentient patches of haze and librarians live in harmony. Sentient patches of haze provide the humidity that librarians need to keep their scaly skin from cracking. And librarians provide sentient patches of haze with huge sums of money to disorient human prey, making them easier to hunt.

TAMIKA: You take money to help murder people?

DEB: Don’t take it personally. It’s just a job. It’s not like I like tricking humans into their deaths. I mean, I used to, but once you do it for a living, it kind of loses the thrill, you know.

But… if you were to test this spray out for us, then I bet no humans would ever die in a library. I bet you’d like to help out your fellow modern primates, yah?

TAMIKA: You know what, I actually have an idea. BRB [says the actual letters]

[zop]

###

DEB: While Tamika’s gone, let’s talk more about the benefits of SHELF DEFENSE. For instance, I get a 20% commission on all sales. I had the option of a set fee for this infomercial, but I usually push for more money on the back end. Sometimes it doesn’t work out financially, to be sure, but every now and again you pitch some new, unknown product that really takes off. Like OxiClean or the Slap Chopper or even the Chop Slapper. The one I made bank on was Lockheed Martin’s new line of supersonic warheads for your bathroom. Those phone lines went crazy. I coulda bought a Lamborghini with the residuals on that ad.

But I’m a patch of haze. I don’t need a car. In fact, I don’t need food, or clothes. If I ever wanted to take a vacation, I wouldn’t need airline tickets, because I drift on the jet stream. It’s faster anyway, what with all the TSA rigamarole. The point is I have gobs of cash, but I don’t really need to spend it on much. If you’re a sentient patch of haze, all you ever really need is a good humidifier and a gym membership (for the sauna, of course).

Still, it’s good that I have all this money, though, just in case there’s a time when someone urgently needs money, and I can rest assured that I have it instead.

[zap]

TAMIKA: Ok, I found some folks who agreed to test out SHELF DEFENSE. They’re Alejandra Nuñez, Ronnie Sharma, and Nanako (NAH-nuh-koh) Barnes of Mr. Prescott’s 5th Period AP English Class. They’re known as the Library Tweens, and they love to battle evil.

DEB: So they’re under 18?

TAMIKA: Yeah. Is that a problem? They were really excited to take on this challenge.

DEB: No, it’s great. I can give kids minimum wage, but once humans get to their twenties, they get real impressed with themselves thinking work experience earns them a higher pay. This is perfect. Good work, Tamika.

TAMIKA: Huh.

Well, I sprayed all of them with SHELF DEFENSE and sent them to the Library using my Teleportmanteau, and they’re there now.

DEB: Great, let’s check their progress on the monitors. So, I see three kids prowling through the stacks. They move weird. Very quick and jerky-like.

TAMIKA: Yeah, they learned all their fighting techniques from anime.

DEB: Ok! I see a librarian. It’s crawling down the wall just above them. You sprayed these kids, right Tamika?

TAMIKA: Of course.

DEB: Behind the ears, on the wrist, armpits, et cetera.

TAMIKA: Well, I didn’t read the instructions closely. It’s like bug spray, right?

DEB: We’ll find out, won’t we? Two other librarians are coming up over the shelves to investigate for possible prey. Oh hey, my cousin Linda’s there too! I’d know that patch of haze anywhere. She’s trying to distract the kids so they accidently fall into the mouths of the beasts. I better text her, tell her we need those kids alive. They’re for a work project.

TAMIKA: And because we don’t want children to die.

DEB: You say tomato, I say tomato too, but with a slightly different accent.

Oh geez, those kids are totally surrounded now. Oofta, I’m not sure this repellent is working. Gosh, Tamika, I hate to ask it, but could you zap back over to the library and save those tweens. Egg on my face. Back to the drawing board with this stuff.

TAMIKA: On my way!

Hey, Deb, there’s, um, some smoke coming out of the teleporter you sold me. Is that normal?

DEB: Oh, I don’t know. Sure!

TAMIKA: Okay… well, I’ll trust you on this. But Deb, in case… well, in case things become nasty in that library, it might be best if you don’t play the violent stuff on the radio.

DEB: What am I supposed to do then?

TAMIKA: Well, anytime things get scary, Cecil always goes to a weather report.

DEB: Great! So while you teleport to the library…

[ZOP]

I’ll take us to the weather.

###

WEATHER

###

The good news, listeners, is Tamika managed to teleport safely to the library which, whew, I was a little nervous, okay, because these Teleportmanteau devices… Well, they’ve had some problems. Sometimes they, uh, they don’t teleport ALL of the person to where they’re supposed to go. But it looks like all of Tamika vanished, so that’s good news.

The bad news is that the cameras I installed in the library stopped working, so I have no idea if good things or bad things are happening. So let me use this time we have to remind you that SHELF DEFENSE is the world’s best (and only!) librarian repellent spray. It 100% seems to work. And we have a special deal right now. If you’re one of the first 50 callers, you can have this for only two payments of $44.95, instead of three payments of $29.95. That’s a heck of a deal. The retail price for a bottle of SHELF DEFENSE is 75 bucks, so you’re saving a fortune by calling now and ordering yours.

[sound of door opening and closing with footsteps coming toward mic]

What better way to keep those librarians from---

Tamika! You made it back. Oh dear, you’re bleeding something fierce. Here. You want a tourniquet?

TAMIKA: I’m fine. It’s not my blood.

DEB: Fantastic! Well, thank you all for listening, and don’t forget to order your very own bottle of---

TAMIKA: Don’t you want to hear what happened to the kids.

DEB: [thinks, then:] Yeah, ok

TAMIKA: They’re doing fine. This isn’t their blood either.

DEB: Oh are we playing that classic children's game “Whose blood is it?”

TAMIKA: First, the upside is that SHELF DEFENSE appears to work, because the librarians surrounded all of us, but they couldn’t come near us because of the horrible stench.

DEB: Yours for only two payments of $44.95!

TAMIKA: The key phrase is “appeared to work.” Those librarians seemed intent on getting to us, repellent spray or no, but before they could take action, the front door opened, and professor Harrison Kip walked in.

DEB: Yikes. So this is Harrison’s blood…

TAMIKA: Nope. Harrison’s fine, but he had two other people with him. The librarians abandoned me and the kids and went right for Harrison and his friends.

Alejandra, Ronnie, Nanako, and I leapt to action. I did a basic double somersault over the study desks, but those three kids soared in slow motion, a series of bright lines zipping past their wide eyes and screaming mouths. They managed to push Harrison out the front door, safely into the parking lot. While I used my Teleportmanteau…

DEB: [under breath] Uh oh.

TAMIKA: Why did you say that?

DEB: What? Nothing. Keep going with your story.

TAMIKA: So… I tossed the teleportation device at Harrison’s two friends hoping it would zap them to safety, but… well, uh… they just exploded. Not like a bomb. More like shredded into thousands of pieces.

DEB: Yeeeahhh… I kinda thought that was where this was going.

TAMIKA: And that’s why I’m covered in blood and had to take a De Tours [pronounced deh TOURS] self-driving cab back to the radio station. But first, I checked in with Harrison. I offered my condolences over losing his friends. And he said, “Yup, no worries. They weren’t close friends or nothing, just folks from my place of worship.

I said, “Oh god, Harrison, that must still be hard for you”

He said, “Well, they were part of the outreach program that feeds themselves to the unholy book beasts once a month in order to satisfy a punishing and hateful god. So, really, they were gonna get got anyway, but that means I gotta recruit a couple more folks to do an actual sacrifice. Maybe I’ll look on LinkedIn. I’ve been using Tinder, but that well’s dryin’ up, as the old Proverb goes.”

DEB: Great. So get your SHELF DEFENSE by calling 1-800-295---

TAMIKA: Wait. Back up, Deb. What did you mean you thought this was where the story was going? Do the Teleportmanteaus regularly explode people?

DEB: Explode is a pretty dramatic word.

TAMIKA: Deb. It was an explosion.

DEB: Right, but like a big ol’ PKEWWW explosion? Or more like a SQUIT type of thing?

TAMIKA: You sold people an exploding teleporter. You could face lawsuits. Criminal charges.

DEB: [laughs] What are they gonna do, Tamika, put me behind bars? I’m a patch of haze. Plus I’m rich, so I’m not worried about lawsuits. I can afford to buy every judge in this county a steak dinner.

TAMIKA: Bribery’s illegal, Deb.

[Deb laughs. Keeps laughing for a really long time, like 30-60 seconds. Eventually her laughter fades to nothing because she is gone]

Well, um, I think Deb is gone. So stay tuned next for me trying to figure out how to turn off the radio station. I think it’s this button right here. [wacky sound effect like a clown’s horn or something] nope. That’s the fire alarm.

Maybe this one?

CECIL: [prerecorded] Listeners if you’re hearing this, then humanity is surely finished, but instead of a tearful goodbye, I’d like to offer a warm Hello to our new alien rulers, who are surely benevolent and---

TAMIKA: Nope, that’s Cecil’s pre-recorded vault of doomsday broadcasts.

How about this one?

[Tamika’s voice gets cut off abruptly before she finishes the word “this”]

###

PROVERB: Better safe than sorry? Well, I’ve grown quite fond of my life of peril and regret. But you do whatever you want.