Constellations are fanart depicting ancient gods. Welcome to Night Vale.

I've said many times that science is neat, but sometimes it is also messy. Carlos converted one of our guest rooms into a laboratory, so he can spend more time at home and get some needed renovations done on his laboratory downtown. Which seemed like a great idea, until I realized that it's impossible to contain chemical odors and stains from getting all over the rest of the house.

Not only did acid eat through our new Egyptian tiled backsplash, but also a petri dish grew feet and walked outside, only to walk back inside, tracking mud all over my new hand-woven Svitizian rug. The last straw was when Carlos stained all of his shirt sleeves, not to mention his hands, and somehow even the quartz countertops, a dull green, which completely threw off my kitchen color palate.

I told Carlos he had to stop, but he insisted he had made a major breakthrough in his doorless fridge invention. "Cecil, this is so exciting," he said, bouncing up and down, like a child who wants a toy or needs to pee. "The problem with refrigerators is the door. In order to put food in or take food out, you have to open a door, and that's totally bad, because it lets all the cool air out, raising the temperature of the other food inside."

I told him that's not that big of a problem, but his face darkened and he said “baking is an exact science, Cecil. If the butter is off by a couple of degrees, my croissants are ruined.” I understood, but I asked that he find another place to conduct that particular experiment. He's turning everything in our home a dull green, including his own skin.

Fortunately, my sister Abby and her husband Steve Carlsberg just bought a new house. Ever since his promotion to vice president of the Last Bank of Night Vale, Steve has been saving up to buy a larger home for his family, one with a yard for dogs, no stairs and wider doors for his daughter Janice’s wheelchair, and even his own “man cave” where he can raise bats and cultivate rare crystals. And they finally closed on their dream home this summer.

They bought Janice a car, too, complete with accessible hand controls, a state of the art sound system, and a moon roof that closes automatically at night so you never have to see that awful moon. It’s really sharp.

Anyway, there is also a giant empty storage shed out back of their new home, and Steve and Abby told Carlos he could work in the shed until his laboratory downtown is ready to use again. So far, it sounds like everything is working out fine for Carlos, although he did accidentally leave a large green handprint on Janice's new car. The good news is she thought it looked really cool, so she decided to leave it.

###

Listeners...I'm getting word that there's a robbery taking place in downtown Night Vale. Three people have entered (oh no.) the Last Bank of Night Vale and are demanding money from the tellers. The robbers are wearing masks of former US Presidents Richard Nixon, William Henry Harrison, and Emma Goldman.

The Sheriff's Secret Police, as well as the Sheriff's Overt Police, are on the scene, but the perpetrators have begun to take hostages, and the police are trying to negotiate.

The robbers have not stated any demands yet, so the police are left to guess what they want. One officer suggested giving them a million dollars, which was roundly accepted by their fellow officers as a great idea, because while human lives cannot be distilled down to monetary value, a million dollars is pretty cool. But this idea was shot down by Sheriff Sam, who pointed out that their department does not have a million dollars.

"What about if we got them a puppy?" another officer offered up. "My basset just had a litter - and I thought we'd be able to sell them, but it's definitely a buyers' market out there for hounds," the officer continued. "Anyway, I've got a brown one with white spots, and two white ones with brown spots. I've named them Chutney, Footstool, and Bob Ross. Footstool is the runt. Let's give the robbers Footstool."

"We're not giving them puppies," Sheriff Sam shouted.

"Ooh, what about an Applebees gift card," another officer said. "Worth a million dollars."

"Or a coupon book for free favors," another said. "Like repainting the guest room, or raking leaves, or, ooh, we're the police right? A free crime day. They could then use that coupon today and we don't have to arrest them and file all the paperwork, and the hostages get to go free. We could even have coupons for a 15 minute backrub."

All of the officers clapped for this idea. Not just a win-win, but a win-win-win, for the hostages, the robbers, and the police. All except Sheriff Sam, who silenced them all with a loud whistle. More like a panflute, really. It's an enchanted whistle that causes vocal chords to stop working.

"We're police," the Sheriff scolded. "It is clearly stated in our oath of office to never give backrubs to bank robbers." They then set to work trying to devise a plan to stop the robbery and free the hostages in the bank.

Oh dear, listeners, I was just talking about my brother-in-law Steve, and here comes this terrible news. I have no further information about Steve's condition right now, nor the other citizens who are being held at gunpoint inside the bank. I will update you as events progress.

###

In the meantime, let's go to sports. The Night Vale High School Scorpions open their season this Friday night against the Whispering Forest Wood Dogs. Scorpions head coach Latrice Beaumont said this will be a tough matchup. The Wood Dogs, a team entirely comprised of trees, are roundly regarded as one of the toughest defenses in the state, with their tactic of whispering compliments to opposing players until those players themselves turn into trees.

Last season, Whispering Forest dealt Night Vale its only loss, as nine of the Scorpions starting offensive players, including quarterback Junius Duncan, were won over by the Wood Dogs' pleasant cooing. By the end of the game, the field was covered in trees, many of them former Night Vale High School student athletes, and Whispering Forest snuck out with a three-to-nothing win on a late field goal, that was somehow... kicked... by a tree.

Coach Beaumont said she plans to give her players ear plugs, to help dampen the whispers from the Wood Dogs's defense. She also has uglied up the Scorpions uniforms, adding mustard yellow and hot pink argyle atop the dark purple jerseys, hoping that the arboreal defenders will find little good to say.

The Scorpions are starting a new quarterback this season, sophomore phenom Julie Dobbs, who won the job because of her prophetic dreams. Her slumbering subconscious is able to see the future, most notably other teams' defensive strategies, and she uses her dream journals to develop a nearly unstoppable offensive game plan. She also owns her own football, which was a huge plus for the coaches.

Good luck this weekend Scorpions. We're pulling for you!

###

I now have the names of the hostages being held at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Jessie McNeil, a security guard whose worked at the bank for nearly 50 years. Oh Jessie. What a sweet old man. He says hi to me every time I go there. Always has a smile and a compliment. Why, just the other day he said to me"Heard you on the radio Cecil," and I was beaming with pride. Another hostage: Bank teller Genevieve Daily, who started at the bank this week. Oh Genevieve, what a tough break. Just know we're pulling for you. Bank customer, and local dinosaur expert Joel Eisenberg. Oh Joel! I know Joel. He's such a smart guy. And the last of the hostages, staff supervisor of the bank Susan Willman. Ok. Well. Tough.

Unfortunately, after several grueling minutes, negotiations between the sheriff and the robbers have broken down, so the police have decided that the only way to break a stalemate is with physical force. While this makes sense in chess, I don't know if this is such a good idea for hostage negotiations, listeners, but the police have advanced into the building to engage the thieves directly.

Witnesses reported hearing several gun shots, but they said the noises also could be fireworks, part of the daylong celebration of Lee Marvin's 31st Birthday, which was back in June. Ooh, happy late birthday, Mr. Marvin! You don't look a day over 30.

We cannot see inside the bank, and no one has emerged yet. I will have to report back later, as soon as I have....

Oh no. I'm being told that the bank is on fire now. The west wall of the bank is engulfed in flames, and the Night Vale Fire Department is already on the scene. They are shouting at the fire to stop being such a nuisance, but the fire does not appear to be listening. This isn’t good.

And even more frightening for me: I didn't see Steve Carlsberg's name on the list of hostages. Abby told me he was at work today, but why was he not taken hostage? I can only hope he had gone to lunch when the robbery began. Steve if you can hear this and you're at lunch, don't go back to work. It's on fire.

I feel so powerless. All I can do is hope.

And bring you the weather.

### WEATHER: “My Friend” by Dominique Chantel Worthing with Barrett Ward ###

First the good news: The hostages have been freed.

Inside the bank, the police drew their weapons on the robbers, but could not get off a clean shot, because of the hostages blocking their line of fire. The robbers fired back, forcing the police to retreat behind a CoinStar machine and a full-sized, promotional cardboard cutout featuring a hooded man, his jagged smile just barely visible in shadow, holding a raw slab of red meat with the bold text below him reading "GREAT MORTGAGE RATES ARE INSIDE OF YOU."

But the second wave of officers blocked the thieves' escape from the front entrance.

Then, and Sheriff Sam did not see how this happened, but a fire began in the bank lobby. It spread quickly, and the room filled with smoke. In the confusion, the hostages broke free from their captors, and the robbers ran from the police.

The Fire Engines sprayed water and broadcasted loud admonishments at the fire to knock it off already. Susan, Joel, Genevieve, and Jessie ran out into the street, covering their faces, choking on the black air. As Jessie emerged, his 75-year-old body was knocked backward by one of the fire engine's hoses. Jessie was soaked head to foot. The firefighters apologized, but Jessie merely brushed himself off and then generously complimented their work by saying "I see you're fighting a fire." What a gentleman.

The three perpetrators of the bank robbery also fled through the front of the building, but the police quickly halted and arrested them.

As the fire finally subsided, amidst the damp charred masonry and broken glass, came another figure. Steve Carlsberg emerged from the bank, sweating and limping, but safe.

An ambulance arrived to take the survivors to the hospital, but they all declined, except Steve, who had a broken foot, and gladly took the EMTs up on their offer. The bank robbers were transported to the abandoned mine shaft outside of town for questioning.

It's an open and shut case. The bad people lose, and the good people win, and every single person, even the people who own Applebees, is glad no one had to purchase a one million dollar Applebees gift card. My brother-in-law is safe, as are his employees and customers. No one died, and not a single dollar was taken from the bank registers at the front counter, nor the ATMs, nor the CoinStar. Even the fire didn't damage those bills.

That was the good news. The bad news. As the police did a final sweep of the bank, searching for anyone else inside, whether they be customers or criminals, they reached the bank's vault in the back of the building.

Before he left for the hospital, the police asked Steve Carlsberg to open the vault for them. "We're sure everything's fine," they said. "It's routine in a bank robbery," they said. "I understand," Steve said. He opened the vault. They looked inside, and they saw nothing.

Millions of dollars in bills and gold were gone.

Sheriff Sam said there's a conspiracy here and they're going to really put the screws to the people they arrested. No HBO until they explain where the money from the vault is, the Sheriff declared, and that's a big deal because A Black Lady Sketch Show just premiered last month and it is crazy good.

The Sheriff said they have no clues as of yet as to where the money in the vault went, but they did discover the robbers names are Richard, William, and Emma, which is interesting, because those are the names of the presidents whose masks they wore. “I don't think that's a coincidence,” the Sheriff said confidently.

The bank lost a great deal of money today, and some innocent people lost their sense of comfort, but we are all still alive. At least those in this story are. And I'm so happy to know my brother-in-law is safe, as are Jessie, and Joel, and Genevieve, whom I've never even met. I'm glad those specific people are ok, as well as anyone else who was taken hostage today.

Stay tuned next for an unedited recording from two years ago of you talking to a kitten. You sound ridiculous.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

PROVERB: Don't go writing metaphors. Please stick to the similes and literal descriptions that you're used to.