You have orbited the sun. You have been to the Milky Way Galaxy. You have seen the moon. You are an astronaut. Welcome to Night Vale.

###

The Sheriff's Secret Police announced today that they have no new leads into the ongoing investigation of the robbery at the Last Bank of Night Vale. The three people who stormed into the bank held the staff and single customer at gunpoint but did not at first even ask for any cash from the register's drawers. And yet, in only a few minutes, and with no damage to or forced entry into the vault, they had managed to steal millions of dollars from it.

Sheriff Sam described the details of the robbery as follows. The robbers entered the bank repeatedly shouting "This is a robbery!" and waving their guns around.

After a minute or so, teller Genevieve Daily finally asked, "Do you want me to give you money?"

"Um... Yes," the robbers decided. "We want you to give us money."

"How much money?" Genevieve asked.

"How much do you have?" the robbers replied.

Genevieve then had to count the money in her till, which took a while because bank protocol requires that tellers count their money multiple times, until the total amount matches twice in a row. But on her second count, Genevieve was 2 dollars off from her first, so she had to start over.

"Hang on," she told the masked intruders. "Gotta do it again."

"No worries," the robbers said, truly looking like they were not worried.

Customer Joel Eisenberg, who had dropped face down to the floor the moment guns were drawn, immediately handed over his wallet to the robbers.

"What's this for?" the robbers asked Joel.

"You're robbers, aren't you?" Joel said, careful not to look directly into their eyes. "I'm giving you my money, not trouble."

"Cool cool," the robbers said without looking in the wallet.

Genevieve's manager, Susan Willman, stood behind her new employee nervously explaining to the thieves, "I don't have access to the vault. I don't know the combination."

"That's fine," the robbers said.

The security guard on duty that day, and every day for the past 50 years, was Jessie McNeil. Jessie does not carry a gun, so he couldn't intervene, but he has always been known for his friendly charm and grace. He tried the old "kill them with kindness" approach by complimenting the fine work the robbers were doing.

"I understand you're robbing our bank," Jessie said.

The robbers cooed and said "What a nice thing to say, old man. Thank you."

"You can't tell because we are wearing plastic masks of former US Presidents," said the robber with the face of Richard Nixon, "but we are blushing, kind sir."

Within minutes the Sheriff's Secret Police had arrived.

"Who called the police?" the robbers asked, but without urgency, as if it were the first table read of a pilot TV script.

"I did not," Susan and Genevieve said at the same time.

"I left my phone in my car," Joel said from the floor.

"I am sitting in a chair by the door," Jessie said, and the robbers guffawed at the audacity of this old man so highly complimenting himself.

"Well, we have to take hostages now," the robbers said, and soon, the Police had entered the bank, there was a brief shootout, with no injuries, and the robbers were apprehended and the hostages freed shortly thereafter.

There was also a fire that engulfed the front of the bank, which helped their efforts to arrest the perpetrators, but Police do not understand how it started. They believe it was a diversion during which time the criminals were able to empty the vault. But they have no leads yet on where this money was taken or how they got into the vault.

The only other person in the bank that day was Vice President Steve Carlsberg, who was not taken hostage, because he had accidentally locked himself in his office. (Oh, Steve.) Steve said he eventually kicked his door open, breaking his foot in the process (Oh, Steve). He got free, but only after the criminals had been arrested and the fire extinguished.

None of the three robbers is talking to the police, even after their HBO privileges were taken away from them, so the Sheriff is asking anyone in Night Vale with information about this heist to contact them immediately. You can do this by calling the Sheriff's Secret Police Secret Tip line which can be reached by just speaking aloud. They are one of the several organizations that have universal access to your phone’s mic and camera.

###

I talked to Carlos today. He's been running his experiments over at my sister Abby's new house, in an old storage shed out back, because his laboratory is under renovations and he was making such a huge mess over here with all of his chemicals staining everything. Abby is, of course, married to Steve Carlsberg, who is home from the hospital with a cast on his foot.

Carlos told me Steve is fine. He's having a hard time adjusting to crutches, and he's still shaken by the whole experience, but he's focused on rebuilding the bank and getting everyone back to work. He's been inviting his employees over for lunch this week to keep everyone on task for re-opening the bank, and to treat them to his famous Medium Rare Rosemary Chicken recipe.

Carlos said he had met Susan Willman several times before. "She's delightful!" Carlos said, which I'm sure I misheard. He's also met Jessie before too. "Oh he's always over here. Real nice guy," Carlos said. "He once told me 'You are a scientist,' and it was the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me, so I showed him my lab and just talked his ear off about my doorless fridge project. Jessie got so excited he had to leave after only 15 minutes."

Carlos said that since the robbery, though, Jessie has not looked as cheerful or healthy. Jessie looks sick, like he's nauseated.

Carlos said he joined the crew for lunch today and cheered them all up with funny stories about science, but he's taking a break from his experiments and should be home early today. Carlos ran out of the chemicals he needed to continue his work and has to wait a few more days to get more.

"I thought I had plenty of it," Carlos said, "I calculated exactly how much I needed, but it wasn't near enough. Well, this is why I studied science, instead of math."

"Anyway, Steve's going to be fine," Carlos said. "I love you."

And I said "I love you too."

You might think that last part wasn't necessary for the news story, but it was. Love is the most important news story.

###

The Sheriff's Secret Police have announced a breakthrough in their bank robbery investigation. They've been interviewing witnesses and combing through their notes and evidence, and they think they have figured out exactly what happened at the bank. They are planning a full report later today.

They had the report ready to go now but right when they started the press conference, they realized that they should probably make an arrest first, and also because in their excitement to make this announcement, every single person on the police force showed up, leaving the abandoned mine shaft where they keep prisoners unattended, which is probably fine because the cells are all completely locked, but wow, you never know right. Better safe than sorry.

"Ooohwee," the representative from the Secret Police said. "We really should go check on that jail. My bad."

###

And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by Budweiser. Have you ever wondered about that house at the end of your street? The one with the windows boarded up? The one that does not ever receive sunshine? The one with the incongruous Victorian architecture in your otherwise ranch-style, tract home suburb?

Have you ever dared your friend to spend the night in that house? And they did it because they don't like being called weak, and then they re-emerged the next day completely normal as if nothing had happened?

Only something did happen? Like, you couldn't tell at first because your friend was like "it was just a house. totally boring," but you started to notice weird things in their behavior? Like when they suddenly were fluent in Romanian and they would whisper it to someone you could not see? And then there was that time your friend laughed for 10 straight minutes, and you did not know why, never learned why, and when they finished laughing all of the trees in your neighborhood were dead?

Well, we here at Budweiser know exactly what made your friend laugh. And we know what happened in the house that night. And someday you will know it. But not today. No, not today.

Budweiser. Be glad today is not the day.

###

CECIL: The bank robbery earlier this month has understandably shaken customer confidence, so Vice President of the Last Bank of Night Vale Steve Carlsberg has called a press conference to address public concerns over the security of their bank accounts and investments.

Here's Steve's statement.

STEVE: First I want to say thank you to all of my valiant and valuable employees. They faced down danger, and without their bravery, we might all be much less fortunate. To Susan Willman, my dear friend, thank you for your leadership under such duress. To Genevieve, our newest employee, you deserve the quickest raise we've ever given out. And I promise it won't always be like this. And to Jessie, you've protected our bank for nearly 50 years, and your training finally paid off. Thank you for your service to our safety.

And Joel Eisenberg, our lone customer who stared down those monsters and did not give an inch, I say thank you.

I want the people of Night Vale, and the customers of the Last Bank to know that we have your security in mind. We are cooperating with the Secret Police, and while this crime is not completely resolved, no customer has lost a single dollar of their savings. We are well-insured and...

CECIL: [over end of Steve] But while Steve Carlsberg was talking, the Sheriff's Secret Police returned to finish their announcement from earlier.

STEVE: [underneath Cecil] Wait I'm not done yet.

CECIL: Seeing that Steve had claimed the podium in their disorganized absence, the Secret Police had to stand at the back of the room and wait. Impatiently. Their feet tapping, arms folded, each of them exhaling deeply and intermittently, one of them groaning aloud "is he done yet? aggghh." One of them staring demonstrably at the clock.

STEVE: [overlapping over the end of Cecil] I. Okay. Yes, but I signed up for this time slot at the podium, and no one was here when I arrived so I'd like to finish.

Are we good? Ok, fantastic. So, where was I? Oh I was trapped in my office. I regret that I was not standing with my brave staff during this terrible event, but, see, I think someone barred my door to prevent me from coming out there and really letting those robbers have it. I'm a nice guy, but not when my family is in danger. And these people: Genevieve, Susan, Jessie. They are my family. Joel and every other bank customer is my family, and I would do anything - anything - to protect them if they were threatened---

CECIL: Just then, the Secret Police - did you know a group of police officers is called an Obstinacy of Cops? - marched to the podium declaring "Four o'clock! Your time's up!" Two officers grabbed the mic shouting "Dibs!" simultaneously and then had to play rock-paper-water torture to see who got to speak.

STEVE: [being forced off mic] Hey, watch it, buddy. I mean, officer. Sorry.

CECIL: The police then announced they had, in fact, left all of the cells at the abandoned mine shaft locked earlier today, but somehow the three bank robbers escaped. Their cell was still locked and no tunnels or holes were found, yet the three were completely gone.

"Dang it," the Police spokesperson said. "The important thing is we tried our best. Anyway," they continued, "We're proud to say that we have made an important breakthrough in the bank heist case. We have made a new arrest of the person we believe responsible for the theft at the Last Bank of Night Vale."

STEVE: [off mic, background] Oooh. That's great.

CECIL: The Police then turned to Steve Carlsberg and said: "We have arrested our prime suspect in this conspiracy…….Steve Carlsberg."

STEVE: [off mic, background] What? No. There's been a mistake. I ....

CECIL: The police handcuffed Steve (Oh, Steve) and led him outside to the back of a squad car.

Listeners, I wish I could tell you I'm happy to hear that the Police think they have solved this bank robbery, but I cannot tell you that. This is not right. Steve would never...

While I sit with my feelings, you will sit with the weather.

###

WEATHER: “Only One Star” by Ann

###

Sheriff Sam talked to reporters. These reporters were confused and angry, upset that such a good man, their brother-in-law in fact, could be confused for a mastermind criminal. The Sheriff said the robbery of the bank vault required inside knowledge, someone who worked at the bank, someone who knew the combination of the vault and could get the money without any damage to the vault’s walls or door. Steve is the only employee present who knew the combination.

The frustrated, enraged reporters then asked what happened to the money. If Steve stole the money, as they said, surely the police must have recovered it. Sheriff Sam said it is clear the money has been spent on luxury. The suspect Steve Carlsberg bought a brand new house - with a storage shed even, the most obvious symbol of opulence.

But he closed on that house weeks ago, the infuriated reporters stated. How could he have paid for something before he had the money?

The Sheriff then held up a life-sized, promotional cardboard cutout featuring the text "GREAT MORTGAGE RATES ARE INSIDE OF YOU." The Sheriff said: "He used something called a MORTGAGE, an elaborate financial scheme where you don't have to pay until later, a brilliant and evil ploy for bank robbers.”

"Mortgages are normal. I have a mortgage," the displeased reporters responded.

"Maybe you'll be arrested next," the Sheriff spat. "Also, Steve Carlsberg bought a fancy car for his daughter. He even upgraded the vehicle with hand controls for braking and acceleration. We could tell right there he was flaunting his stolen wealth."

"She's in a wheelchair," the disgusted reporters snapped back. "Those controls are necessary and standard."

The Sheriff shrugged and said "You say tomato. I say criminal." And with that, they stepped away, smug in their arrest of this innocent man.

I didn't know what to do, so I called Carlos. He had said he was coming home early today, but I hadn't seen him yet. He didn't answer his phone, so I called my sister Abby. She was understandably upset about her husband's arrest.

I told her I would do everything in my power as an investigative journalist to vindicate Steve, even if it means starting a podcast. She sighed and said "I know."

When I asked if Carlos was still at her house, she said "He’s gone."

"Oh good, I'll see him soon then," I replied.

"No," Abby said. "You won't. The police were just here questioning me and Janice. Then they took Carlos with them to the station. They said they're not done with their investigation."

[pause]

Listeners, stay tuned next for a song in a language you've never heard, written in a key not on any scale, played in a time signature that changes with each measure.

Good night, Night Vale. Good Night.

###

PROVERB: That gum you like is out of style again.