Note: The capitalized phrase “GREAT GOLDEN HAND” and sometimes just “HAND” should have some vocal filter or effects placed on it. This filter/effect should get stronger and stronger throughout until the words are basically unintelligible and can only be understood through context and the general shape of the sound.

Here it comes! Here it comes! The Great Golden Hand. Hurrah! Rejoice! It nears! It nears! Welcome to Night Vale

Wonderful news, residents. City officials report that within the next few hours, we should expect the arrival of the GREAT GOLDEN HAND. This will mark the first visit from the GREAT GOLDEN HAND in nearly eighty years. Older residents and those who up until recently did not age will remember the last visit fondly. Those were the days when the air felt crisper somehow, as though growing older does not cause a degradation of self but rather a degradation of everything outside of self. We project our own decline upon the world, and complain that everything was brighter and better at the time that we, coincidentally, were at our physical and mental peak. But I digress. Because everything was better during the GREAT GOLDEN HAND. That’s just objective. We will update you on the HAND as it approaches, but in the meantime make sure that you are stocked up on a supply of clean water, adequate canned goods for five to eight years, and copious amounts of human hair for the offering. If you do not have hair, please make sure to stop by the hair bank this morning to pick up hair generously donated by your neighbors for those who crave human hair by the fistful.

But first, today’s forecast.

Rain later. Or no rain. Or sun or snow or none of those things. There will be some light clouds along the horizon. Or it will be clear and you will stand out on a lawn gone prickly with the conservation of water and it will seem that you can see all the way across the world, even though you know that you can only see about three miles away to the curvature of the earth, but it’s metaphorical this distance, and with the clarity of the sky it will seem much farther than that. Or there will be clouds, so none of that will happen, and you will only sit in your kitchen, eating leftovers and not thinking even a little about everything you’ve never done and will never get to do. Or you won’t wake up today. There will come a day where you don’t, you know, and then none of this will matter, and the sky will be a perfect blue and you won’t see it. Or it will rain. Or no rain. Or sun or snow or none of those things. All of that later today or tomorrow or never. This has been today’s forecast.

We continue to track the GREAT GOLDEN HAND as it takes over much of the western horizon. Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, reported that flowers have been growing and dying in bursts all morning, cycles of life that pass as quickly as air through his lungs. “These plants are speeding up,” he said, “or else we are slowing down. Maybe thousands of years have passed, and the only ones that know are the flowers.” Haha! Larry. What a joker. City government tells us we have nothing to fear from the GREAT GOLDEN HAND. Although city government is in a bit of disarray, as of course we do not have a mayor, and city council has announced they forgot it was their sister’s wedding this weekend in Tulsa and they need to leave town immediately. So city government currently consists of Claire Scott at the Hall of Public Records. Claire is a woman shaped apparition that haunts the dark hallways of the building and is responsible for at least ten deaths. It’s not an ideal situation having her in charge, but at least someone is there, as the GREAT GOLDEN HAND draws ever closer.

Let’s take a quick look at the headlines. Controversy has erupted over a new McDonald's commercial, as many say that the victims offered on the altar weren't properly consecrated. Lenny Butler, who has no official bonafides on religion or ceremony, but who considers himself something of a sacrifice aficionado and self-taught expert, dismissed the commercial as, quote, “more hack coopting by corporate culture.” He shook his head in disbelief as he showed reporters a copy of the commercial. “Look at this,” he said. “Does that axe look like it has been buried for one hundred days in a graveyard? I bet some underpaid PA bought that at an ACE Hardware the day of the shoot. And look at how the subsequent bone and blood slurry is just kind of spilling everywhere. There’s no thought at all to the proper aesthetic flow to the sacrifice.” Lenny concluded.

Executives at national McDonald’s headquarters expressed horror and disbelief when asked about the commercial, saying that they had nothing to do with this and why are we making them watch this traumatizing footage? Why, the executives repeated over and over, in smaller and smaller voices. Why?

Well, that’s it for the headlines.

And now traffic.

There is a crack in the wall. There is a twinge in your heart. There is someone coming, but don't worry, there is also someone going.

There is a lamp in an alcove in a house on a mountain. There is a hand that reaches out and turns on the lamp. There is an eye that squints through the dim light, trying to see what isn’t there. There is a name. Yes, there is a name, but we will never know what it is. There is a dusty foot scooting along rough wood. There is a tree outside and it moans through the fierce wind off the peaks. There is a small flower in a pot, and it is three days from dying. There is a lamp in an alcove in a house on a mountain, and a hand that reaches out and turns it off.

There is a car on a road to the mountain. There is a mind dreaming that this time their reunion will go differently. There is a hand on a steering wheel and it trembles. There is a foot upon a gas pedal and it wants to ease up, to turn around, to accelerate toward anything but a house on a mountain. There is an eyelash upon an eyelid upon an eye upon a skull upon a lifetime of doubt. There is a tree across part of the road, and maybe that could be an excuse, but no, the hand upon the wheel turns, and finds the narrow way through, and continues on toward the house on a mountain.

There is a crack in the wall. There is a twinge in your heart. There is someone coming, but don't worry, there is also someone going.

This has been traffic.

I am being told by a multitude of disembodied mouths that appeared in my office and began warbling in a sing-songy chant that the GREAT GOLDEN HAND is only minutes away from covering the entire area. If you have not already sought shelter, now would be the time to regret screwing up so badly on such an important day. Remember to not look directly at the GREAT GOLDEN HAND. The GREAT GOLDEN HAND should not be mixed with alcohol or other medications without advice from your doctor. Unfortunately the GREAT GOLDEN HAND has taken all the doctors. Also all life insurance adjusters, and all dog walkers. If you notice sparks, that is part of the process. If you feel a fission, that is part of the process. If you see the color green, that is not part of the process, and you should panic. The process will protect us. The GREAT GOLDEN HAND will protect us. Long live the HAND.

Meanwhile, just a brief notice before we’re overtaken by the HAND: It seems that the…oh this is interesting. That the family of Frank Chen has filed a missing persons report with the Sheriff’s Secret Police. Now, you might remember that Frank Chen’s dead body was found several years ago covered in claw marks and burns, and we all assumed that he was dead. But then he was seen around town, driving his pickup truck, only now he looked like a five headed dragon. Sure, he looked completely different, but the dragon had a New Jersey drivers license indicating that he indeed was Frank Chen, and so that was the day it was proven to us that the dead can come back to life looking completely different.

Anyway, the Chen family says that Frank was driving out from the east coast to see his brother, and disappeared somewhere between Oklahoma and Los Angeles. It took them several years to find Night Vale, although our recent change back to a normal timeline has at least put us a little more in sync with the rest of the country. The Chen family is unsure what a Sheriff’s Secret Police is, nor what is so secret about them if they drive around in clearly labeled cars, but they would appreciate any help at all in finding their long lost Frank.

Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Frank since the day that Hiram McDaniels, the five….sorry, four headed dragon, left Night Vale. Where did Frank go? If you have any information, tell a bird. Birds are real loud mouths, and the info will be all over town in no time.

And now for the community calendar

This Friday, Martin McCaffry is presenting an art show in the grain silo out back of the old Cooper farm. The silo will be kept in absolute darkness, and each viewer will be shoved into the abandoned tower, all alone. They will not be able to see anything except the dancing light that lives in the eyelids, but they will know that they are with art. That art is indeed there, just beyond their fingertips, in the darkness, watching them. Suggested donation is $5. As in: Martin suggests you donate that or you won’t be able to get in.

Saturday morning we’re getting towards the end of the summer softball league and once again we have the annual grudge match between Steve Carlsberg’s Happy Hyenas and Susan Willman’s Bad At Softball Losers. Not their real team name, but the name was kind of forgettable and I think this one is more catchy. Ugh, Susan Willman. Tooling around in that Prius she bought after her Mini-Cooper was filled with jellyfish and then towed. Anyway, see you Saturday morning, where we all will, I assume, be cheering on my wonderful brother-in-law Steve.

Sunday, Leopold Toosdale has called for a community meeting. Leopold is the former CEO of the former cereal company Flakey-O’s, until both were acquired in a hostile takeover by Kelloggs. Leopold was last seen being pulled into a van by Kellogg’s executives, but he has returned. His face is gaunt and it appears he has aged several decades or perhaps a few very stressful years. He wears a cape and one thick leather glove. The topic of the community meeting is the labyrinth that lays just beyond human sight, and the harbingers of that labyrinth who drive vans full of wooden crates. He also want to discuss parking for the Antiques Fair which he feels has gotten out of hand on Grove Street.

Monday is a fun dinosaur presentation from local dinosaur expert Joel Eisenberg. This is part of the Applebee’s Visiting Experts program, that invites local scholars to share their knowledge, and also prices Jalepeño Poppers at an irresistible 3.99 for 12. Wow, with a deal like that, I can’t wait to learn more about those big spitty lizards or whatever they were.

Tuesday is the day you’ve been waiting for. Yes, you could have achieved your dreams earlier, but it always seemed easier to plan to do them someday. Well, Tuesday is that day, and now it’s time to finally buckle down and get those dreams going. I wouldn’t delay, because it seems that Wednesday is the day you die. So stay positive and get it done quickly

And finally next Thursday the Night Vale municipal fire authority is holding a mandatory fire drill. When you hear the siren, burn as many things as you can.

This has been the community calendar

Ah, I see it. Ah, it’s here. Ah, it’s above me. The GREAT GOLDEN HAND The GREAT GOLDEN HAND The GREAT GOLDEN

[Weather: “Drones” by Epicenter]

Part One, in which the Rabbits Get Their Way

Before there were the buildings, there were the hills. In the hills, there were rabbits. All they wanted from life was food, a bit of sunshine, and to multiply across the land. And so they did. Most stories are happy if you end them at the right time.

Part Two, in which we Approach

Ah, to see us then. When we were moving. Toward the west or else toward the east or else south or north. But it wasn’t the direction. It was the momentum of it. We put ourselves out there, made ourselves available for new opportunities, and never mind the drawbacks!, and never mind who gets hurt. That’s a problem for who comes next. We’re here so we can get there, and there’s just nothing else to worry about but the getting.

Part Three, in which Comes the Kingdom

Great towers and great halls. A crowd looking upwards and a king looking downwards. What a time to be alive! What a terrible time to be dead! How much the dead are missing out on! Death is stupid and we must only celebrate life. Those who are gone are gone and it’s probably their fault anyway. We are alive because of our wits and because we are naturally inclined to be alive. How good we are, we murmur. And how beautiful our king is.

Part Four, in which All Is Thought Lost

But then, time came for us too. We weren’t who we used to be but we also weren’t who we would be next either. There was this awful inbetween and we had to stay in it for so long. Our king grew tired on his throne. We all grew so tired.

Part The Last, in which We Are Each Born Anew

After there were the buildings, there were the hills. In the hills, lived rabbits. And we lived there too. All we wanted was food, a bit of sunshine, and to multiply across the land. And so we did. Most stories are happy if you wait long enough.

The GREAT GOLDEN HAND gives. The GREAT GOLDEN HAND takes.

Stay tuned next for a slow drifting toward what we’ve always wanted, interrupted by the constant distraction of what seems easiest.

And from one disciple of the GREAT GOLDEN HAND to another, good night, Night Vale. Good night.