CECIL: They tell us that winter has not even begun, and yet we know this to be untrue. The world slows into the cold. People gather to eat, to sing, to revel, to fight, to keep warm. Anxious travelers press themselves into long lines and tiny seats. They tolerate families and focus on washing dishes instead of conversation. Gifts are given, promises are made, and snow, soft as kittens’ fur, temporarily hides the gray grass beneath. It is December. And so, dear listeners, gather around the candles and tinsel and firelight. Night Vale Community Radio is proud to present… the December Monologues.

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FOW

Sit down, Jim. We need to talk.

I said, sit down, Jim. Look over here. Don’t look at the effigy. Look at me.

I’m in the corner. To your left. Your OTHER left, Jim. Yes. That’s it. I’m the silhouette of stringy hair. I’m the crooked neck. I’m the arms like branches. I’m the shadow of the moon. I’m the shape of your anxiety. I’m the faceless old woman. See me now, Jim?

Sit down. Stop looking at the effigy. It’s just… an art piece that I have been working on. I’ll tell you about it in a bit. But for now, we need to discuss your daughter, Marsha. She’s being bullied at school, Jim. She’s tried to tell you about it, but you haven’t been listening.

When you grew up, bullying was different. These kids aren’t hitting Marsha. They’re not playing pranks. They’re saying mean things. About her size. About her clothes. About her intelligence. About her personality. They say these things with the quietest of breaths so that they are not heard by teachers. They say these things online, with just enough information for Marsha to know who they mean, but not enough to incriminate their true malice.

These girls, Lyla and Lisa, they are masterful manipulators. You know the type, Jim. Those horrible people whose outward charm fills the air like incense hiding the stench of their wickedness. I’ve known lots of people like Lyla and Lisa, Jim. I don’t like them.

What I’m asking from you is… Jim! Stop. Looking. At. The. Effigy. Please. Yes, it’s made out of human hair. So what? Some fingernail clippings, too. That’s how I got such detail around the eyes. Also twine and hot glue. It’s a basic craft project, and it doesn’t have anything to do with what we’re talking about.

Not yet.

So, I’ve been thinking about Lyla and Lisa, and one option is for you to speak to Marsha’s teachers about what’s happening. Of course, you don’t really take Marsha’s stories seriously. They’re just mean girls, you say. Sticks and stones, you say. Honey, you’re much smarter than those two, you say. And none of that is helpful, Jim. Perhaps we should take this matter directly to the school.

That said, without any proof of what these girls are saying and doing to Marsha, the administration’s not going to be of much help. Plus it might make matters worse if Lyla and Lisa think Marsha’s being a snitch. But who knows. Blue-skying here. No bad ideas.

Option 2 is for you to talk to Marsha. TO her. Not AT her, Jim. Ask her questions about these girls. Find out how Marsha feels. Let her say it herself. In other words, Jim: Listen to her.

This is probably the best option, but given that you keep staring at my effigy despite me repeatedly telling you not to, I lack faith that you even know what listening is.

Jim. Look at ME. I know the effigy is moving on its own. It’s lumbering toward you. It’s not going to harm you, Jim. Not intentionally. It’s learning how to use its body. See, right now, it’s figuring out how to widen its eyes and distort its mouth. It’s only inches from your face, Jim. Don’t scream. You’ll startle the poor thing. And I can’t make any promises if you startle the effigy.

To recap: Option 2 is Listening. Let’s rank that above option one, for now. Though, they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Finally, option 3. This is my favorite. We take matters into our own hands. Or you know what, I can handle option 3 myself. You look preoccupied right now what with the effigy trying to devour you. Jim, it’s made out of hair. I haven’t even put teeth in it yet. Hair can’t harm you. Pretend it’s an overly friendly cat or something. Just let it do its thing. It’ll get bored and leave.

Anyway, option 3 is where I pull out Lyla’s and Lisa’s teeth in their sleep. Well, I’ll start the process while they’re sleeping, but there’s no chance they’ll stay asleep. And then I’ll take those teeth and put them into my effigy along with all of the hair and fingernails I’ve already taken from them. With the effigy fully complete, we burn it. The end. No more bullying.

What do you think?

You look unconvinced, Jim. Shocked, even.

You want to know what happens to Lyla and Lisa after I burn their effigy? You’re nodding, Jim, but you only think that you want to know. I promise that you do not.

Is that a No? You don’t like option 3?

That’s disappointing.

Okay, let me add one more thing. Hear me out, Jim. So… I already collected those teeth. And since I’ve already done the hardest part, it does seem like a waste to…

You know what? You’re right. No option 3. But! You have to promise to do Option 2. Commit to it. Really listen to Marsha, Jim. Let her tell you about what she’s going through. And we’ll figure out next steps after that. You understand?

Good.

I AM going to put the teeth into this effigy, though. Just in case!

Oh! Is that a new sweater? Jim, that red really brings out your eyes.

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CECIL: The year has grown so incredibly old. Soon, there will be parties, there will be champagne, there will be a countdown, there will be a new number to replace the old number, and we will barely notice, because we no longer need to write checks. Still, some kind of payment always comes due. We return now to the December Monologues.

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MICHELLE:

And we’re back. I’m your DJ, Michelle Nguyen, owner of Dark Owl Records, and you’re listening to KDRK, your one-stop pirate radio station for the most obscure tracks you’ve never heard anywhere else.

And will never ever hear again.

If you hear a song that you’ve heard on today’s show at some other time in your life, even if it’s in the far future or distant past, I will send a cease and desist letter. So just be chill. Okay? Don’t be trying to hear songs more than once, no matter how much you “love” them. If you can’t handle a little self control, you’ve tuned in to the wrong show.

This show is all about fleeting joy. Feeling the pain of loss before something’s even over. Remembering how a song made you feel but nothing about the actual lyrics or melody.

If you’re the kind of person who needs to examine every little detail of the things you love instead of just enjoying the sensation as it hits you and moving on immediately without looking back—again, this is not the show for you.

I understand if that sounds extreme. But before you tune out, I want you to ask yourself a question. Where does all this repetition really get you? Nothing will ever equal the excitement of the first time you hear your new favorite song. You immediately have the impulse to listen to it again and again, to the point where you learn every word and note. And that can feel really, really satisfying at first. But there’s always a peak, isn’t there? That moment where you’ve heard it just one too many times. Now you know it too well. Honestly, it almost bores you. You might not want to admit that. You might still claim to love that song and call it “one of your favorites.” But the truth is, you barely listen to it anymore. Maybe you never do. So now you’re lying to yourself. Sure, you can sing the whole thing from memory, but is that the same thing as love? Or is that just intimate knowledge? I know it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes.

On this show, we don’t put ourselves in that position. We only have that first listen. That high of discovery. The surprise of a hidden emotion suddenly unlocking inside yourself. The rush of having your mind blown, wondering how such a piece of art was even accomplished, and was that a bagpipe you heard in the background? but accepting that you’ll never know.

On this show, you don’t have to chase every little thing that makes you feel good until you totally ruin it for yourself. Isn’t that freeing?

And the thing is, you will hear absolute bangers on KDRK. I’m truly sorry about that. I just have really good taste and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll tell you right now, it’s not going to be easy to let go of these songs once you hear them. But that’s what makes them so special.

If it helps, try to remember you’re not alone. Other people are listening right now too. We’re all sharing this moment in time and sound together. And maybe one day you’ll meet someone who heard the same song you did. And maybe it meant just as much to them as it did to you. You’ll try to remember it together. You won’t be able to, of course. You’ll both hum tuneless tunes and mumble random lyrics that don’t make sense, and the more you try to do it, the less like the original song it’ll sound. But the more you’ll bond with that other person. It’s way more powerful to want something together than to have something together.

I’m gonna stop talking now and get to the music. This is Michelle Nguyen, and you’re listening to KDRK, broadcasting live out of the break room at Dark Owl Records. Oh, and sorry if you tried to come into the store and buy something while I’ve been on the air. I’m busy, come back later or whatever.

First up is a genre I just learned about called Veloci-Rap, which is hip hop beats over recreations of what different species of dinosaurs might have sounded like. It’s very old school. After that, a set of Post-Neo Supermarket Wave, music that was once alternative and is now played in the background at the grocery store, re-mixed with ambient tracks of shoppers, employees, and sale announcements.

Stay tuned for your all-time favorite song that you’ll never ever hear again.

(10 seconds of veloci-rap)

veloci-rap.wav

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CECIL: The sun leaves work early in winter, an inconvenience for all of us, because winter is the time we need its warmth the most. There must be a celestial union that regulates the number of hours the sun can work. And we respect that – begrudgingly, of course – as we drive home from our own jobs, thankful only for the sluggish clouds that hide the moon from our eyes. No one’s in the mood for your dim poetry, moon. We would rather listen to… The December Monologues.

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STEVE

Hi, thanks for having me. Your offices are, well they’re certainly something. Security is a little intense haha! I thought they might kill me! Haha! Ha!

Wow, so this is what it’s like in a big tech start-up. Seems very cool. Although I pictured more free coffee bars and hammock desks rather than a stark barely lit warehouse. But it’s super hip. I hear Google is planning to redo all of their offices as dim cavernous warehouses. It’s absolutely the look these days, so great job.

Sorry if I'm rambling, job interviews always make me nervous. A little bit about myself? Let's see. I’m Steve Carlsberg, I was born and raised right here in Night Vale. Like all kids here, I crawled out of the cave when I was 7 with no memory of who I was before. What else? Oh, my favorite fruit is apple. Also my favorite kind of computer! Haha just kidding I’m a Linux guy.

And what’s your name? If you told me, you would be compelled by an unseen force to stab yourself in the throat with a pencil? Ho ho, then definitely don’t tell me. Say no more.

Sorry, go on with your questions.

My biggest weakness? That’s a good one. Uh, I’d say it’s probably that I require food to eat, and if anything pierces my fleshy outer coating, I get severely injured or die.

My biggest strength? Organization. I’m very organized.

One time that I solved a problem at work? Let me think about that. Well, there was the time that an evil company slash religious organization occupied our town and I threw their leader through a portal. I do feel I handled that situation very well, and that guy ended up fine anyway. Ooh, maybe a better example, I’m the one who set up the birthday card rotation at the bank I work at. I was proud of that too.

What did I do this year to expand my knowledge? Wow, that’s a fun one. Obviously the answer is nothing. Learning, while not illegal, is certainly socially frowned upon. Can’t get me to admit to that, but good try!

Oh, you want to know about the three year gap on my resume in the 90s. Totally understandable. I was in prison for bank robbery. Just one of those things. Yeah! Haha! Banks really do not like it, no.

What are my feelings on absolute secrecy? Oh, that’s a new one. You don’t usually get that one in job interviews so I didn’t practice for it, if I’m honest. Wish I had known you’d ask that, haha.

Well, the bank I work at doesn’t know I’m also the one who robbed it back in the 90s, so I’ve kept that secret. Please don’t tell them by the way. You get used to not talking in this town, as I’m sure you know. Or maybe you don’t. Were you raised here? [beat] You’re just kind of giving me an arched eyebrow which could mean anything. Kind of looks like a Boston eyebrow. Are you from Boston? Now you’re humming Greensleeves which is a classic Cincinnati thing, so that answers that. Uh, and yes, I’m ok with secrecy, even though I don’t love keeping things from my family.

Oh, you have a sample problem to solve. How many windows are in New York City? Oooh, that’s a fun one. Let’s talk it out. There are a lot of buildings in New York City, and all of those buildings have a lot of windows, so I’d have to say just a ton of windows. Is that right? Yes? Cool.

Am I not tall or am I not short? Well, I’ve always been told that I’m not tall, but if I’m honest, I like to think of myself as not short. Thanks for asking.

Oh, this question wasn’t in any of the interview guides. Ok this one is a little complicated, so I’m just going to repeat the question back to you to make sure I got it right. Have I ever seen a dark planet of awesome size, lit by no sun. An invisible titan, all thick black forests and jagged mountains and deep, turbulent oceans. A monster spinning soundless, forgotten? Did I get that right? Great. The answer is no, I have not.

Do I have any questions for you? Just a few, I guess. What does the labyrinth logo on all those trucks mean? And what's inside all these glowing crates? Can I look in one? Oh goodie. Let me just take out my crowbar. Oh no worries, I always carry one with me. “Better to be prepared than be despaired,” as my mother always used to say. Humph. Ooph. Ok, and that’s open and oh…oh my….

[angelic humming sound for a long moment]

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CECIL: The end of the year, the end of the December Monologues. But it is not the end of all there is to say. More will be said, though in some other year.

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PROVERB: The owls are not what they seem. But the deer sure are. They're the most deer-looking deer you could imagine. Like, wow. Look at those deer.