Be brave. And if you can’t be brave, be quick. Welcome to Night Vale

Listeners. A dread day is here. The chrysalis is stirring. After who knows how many centuries, that great navy blue chrysalis attached to the statue of the town founder is stirring. The chrysalis has always been there, covering the founder’s face and most of their body, making it impossible to discern anything about their identity. But now the chrysalis is showing signs that it may soon open, and who knows what horrors or wonders may emerge from its-

[cell phone ring]

Oh sorry I have to take this.

Y’ello?

STEVE: Hey Cecil. Steve here. Is this a good time to talk?

CECIL: Oh sure. I always have time for my brother-in-law.

STEVE: Great. It’s just that I have a little bit of a predicament and I’m not sure what to do. I’d love to just talk it out with you.

CECIL: Ok, lay it on me.

STEVE: Right, so I got a letter today that…I’m not on the air am I?

CECIL: Uh….

STEVE: Like, live on your show, I’m not, right?

CECIL: Steve, let me call you back.

So forget you heard that.

Where was I?

Oh, well I better get to the headlines.

It seems our recent swap meet in the county fairgrounds was so successful that organizers have decided to make it a regular event. If at any point you have something and you want something else, just wander out to the fairgrounds and try to make an exchange. Hours are not posted and location is approximate, so just head on out there any old time and see who or what is waiting for you.

The City Council has declared the Triangle the official protectors of Night Vale. This was against the single dissenting vote of Tamika Flynn, who felt that the town did not need an official protector and that it would be better to invest in community modes of safety, such as mental health specialists and traffic cameras. But the many voiced, many headed other city council member out-voted her 15 to 1. The Triangle has accepted this responsibility with the gravity it deserves, solemnly reciting their new official motto: “There’s three of us.”

And last but not least, the moon is going to crash into the earth, which is, according to many scientists, “going to be a little bit of a bummer.” So keep an eye out for that if you’re a star-peeper.

This has been headlines.

And now for real estate listings.

There are several apartments for rent in the ravine district. Brand new, state of the art studios, one bedroom and two bedrooms are all on the market and the prices are rock bottom, although not as bottom as the actual rock at the floor of the ravine, which is estimated to be at least 100 meters deep. No one is sure because whatever lives in the deepest shadows of the ravine has never allowed any expedition to return. But don’t worry about what’s living at the bottom of the ravine, because you’d be safely ensconced in the ravine’s damp, sticky walls. For more information, call Taco Bell and tell them you want the “special nachos”. They’ll know what you mean.

In sales, there is a beautiful 1 bedroom, 4 bathroom cottage over in the Sickly Codger Housing Development. It has a newly updated kitchen, .004 acres of lush yard, and a panic room under one of the bathrooms in case you panic and need a room to calm down in. Asking price is two of your toes, and they can’t be the little ones.

Finally, for those looking to build their own dream home, there are hundreds of acres available in the sandwastes, if you do not mind some sand, and also some wastes. Good luck out there.

This has been real estate listings.

A crowd has formed to watch the opening of the chrysalis, in the same way a crowd might form to watch, say, the moon hurtling toward us through our atmosphere. Sometimes we wish to witness our own doom, because comprehension of something gives us the illusion of power over it.

There is now a tear in the chrysalis. The interior is inky darkness. No light from the outside is able to penetrate into that strange cocoon.

The crowd breathes anxiously in unison. In, and out, trembling.

You know what, I do need to get back to Steve.

Ok, let me just put you all on mute. Sorry listeners. And there. Done.

[outgoing ring]

STEVE: Hello?

CECIL: Sorry, I’m back, what’s up?

STEVE: And I’m not on the air?

CECIL: I hit a button that I believe mutes my microphone. Either that or it sends an electrical shock through the floor of the punishment cell in station management’s office. I can’t remember which.

STEVE: Good enough for me. So listen. I got this weird sealed envelope. It didn’t come in the mail. I found it taped to my bathroom mirror when I went to shave this morning. It was sealed with old fashioned wax and had my name typed on the front by a typewriter. When I opened the envelope, there was an intense smell of dried roses and orange peel, but also rusty metal, like old playground equipment left in a flood zone, you know?

CECIL: Sure, we’ve all gotten letters like that.

STEVE: Well, I opened it and….

CECIL: Hold on there, Steve. I’m getting a message from intern Henri that the button I pressed is not mute, but instead the one that turns on the emergency siren on the outside of the station. Seems I caused a bit of a stir and also was broadcasting this entire conversation on air. I’ll call you back.

STEVE: Okie dokie!

And now for a word from our sponsors

Chik-Fil-A. Yes, we know what you’re going to say. We’ve had some criticism in the past, and we hold certain controversial beliefs. Did we want to dig a tunnel to hell and blast open the gates with dynamite just to see what would happen? Yes. Did we suggest that we should toss people into active volcanoes because the volcanoes might be hungry and that would be a way to give them little treats? Yeah, ok, we did. Did we possibly fund terrorist organizations in exchange for stolen artifacts? No we did not. That was Hobby Lobby. That’s real, look it up. But yes, we did suggest that draining the oceans might, quote, “get rid of a few of our problems.”

So sue us, we have some misguided beliefs. But where else are you going to get a chicken sandwich that is perfectly ok? If you want a chicken sandwich that you could honestly describe as “fine” and “probably better than a chicken nugget” where else would you possibly get that?

That’s what we thought.

Chik-fil-a. Yes, we’re going to use your money to shoot a big bullet at the sun. What are you going to do about it?

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Let’s have a look at the community calendar.

Tuesday will be Remembrance Day for all those who lost their lives after their ice maker failed and drained onto the floor and they were chasing their dog named Cummerbund, calling “Cummerbund, you need to take the medicine for your ulcer” and they slipped on the water and died. For everyone who died this way, may your memory be a blessing.

Wednesday is the Half Marathon down at Grove Park, raising money for Cancer Research, to find out once and for all what is up with water signs, you know? Unfortunately, organizers say they could only secure the basketball court, and so the entire marathon will have to be run in a circle around the court. Fortunately, that’s only 260 easy laps around the court. Simple!

Thursday is the Feeding. Please do not try to interfere with or prevent the Feeding. You will only make things worse. Things could be so much worse.

Friday is Ladies Get In Free night at the cemetery.

Saturday is a lost cause.

And Sunday is buy one, get one down at the Big Lots. Don’t miss it.

This has been the community calendar.

The chrysalis has split and from it has emerged a human arm. The arm is covered in a pale blue slime and its fingers are long. The arm has not moved or showed any sign of life.

The crowd has pushed in closer. They want to see. They want to know. Even if it burns them from within, they must know. From the chrysalis comes a song, with words that are not words, but hold the shape of words. Or are in a language that never ended up existing. The crowd sings along. They do not know this language. But they know the melody, because it is the one they hear when they are all alone and listen closely to the silence.

Ok, hold on. I’m going to put you on mute for real this time, because I really should get back to my brother in law Steve.

[outgoing ring]

STEVE: How-dee-do?

CECIL: Hey there Steve. I definitely pushed the mute button on my microphone. Or it’s the one that makes the coffee maker in the break room shoot poison darts. I have a lot of buttons and none of them are labeled.

STEVE: Ok. Well, I opened the letter.

CECIL: Yeah.

STEVE: And I looked at what it said.

CECIL: Yeah?

STEVE: And it…could you just double check you’re actually muted.

CECIL: Yes. I am actually muted. See if you look at my levels I am….oh no I’m still broadcasting at top volume. No one touch the coffee maker! Steve, I’ll call you back.

But first, a message from the Dental Underground.

We are a friendly association of dentists and we mean you no harm. We are as ancient as jaws and teeth, we precede humanity, and we mean you no harm. We are only dentists.

We come bearing warnings. Warnings of tooth rot, of bone pain, and of our equally ancient archenemy, the Winged (pronounced with two syllables, wing-ed) Tooth. The Winged Tooth stands for everything we do not.

We are a friendly association of dentists and we live in a secret place under the earth where we watch you using a variety of devices and methods, and we mean you no harm. We are only dentists.

The Winged Tooth creeps atop rooftops and peers at you from clouds. Do not trust their sweet voices, which tell lies and melt enamel as surely as sweet foods. They want the meats and mush that lie at the core of your molars. Do not trust what they say about us. None of their information is verified.

All of our information is verified. We are a friendly association of dentists and we skitter beneath your floor boards in a friendly fashion and we take small bites from your limbs in a friendly fashion and we follow all relevant guidelines and principles.

We are the Dental Underground and you will never see us but we are always nearby.

I really need to call Steve. But I’ve learned my lesson. I just don’t know which button mute is. So here’s what I’ll do. I’m going to go find somewhere private to make this call, away from my microphone, and in the meantime, you have a look at the weather.

[weather]

STEVE: And you’re sure that we’re off the air now?

CECIL: Steve, I’m huddled in a closet, far away from my microphone, in between the usual janitor closet stuff like mops and beach towels. Unless you think that the former station management wired our entire office so to broadcast our every movement on air without our knowledge, I think we’re fine.

STEVE: Oh, well that’s a relief. So I can finally talk about what the letter said. You know I love my job at the bank.

CECIL: Sure. Bank guy. That’s your whole deal.

STEVE: Right. Well this is a job offer. And a really good one.

CECIL: From who?

STEVE: De Tours, that ride sharing app? Or I guess from their parent company, which is some tech company called Labyrinth I think? I don’t know. They’re kind of vague on the details, but they want me to do an interview with them at their headquarters in a couple weeks.

CECIL: Where are their headquarters?

STEVE: In the industrial district. On Sandpiper road.

CECIL: Sandpiper road. That’s a bad part of town.

STEVE: And don’t I know it. But the pay would be outrageous.

CECIL: Well that’s great Steve. I’m really happy for you.

STEVE: I just don’t know. The bank depends on me. And I can depend on the bank. It may not be a great job, but it’s a stable job. You know how the world of big tech is. This whole thing could disappear in a matter of weeks because some big investor gets cold feet. And then what would I say to my family?

CECIL: Well, I am part of your family. And I can say that we’ll be there for you because sometimes you have to take a risk for yourself. You have to believe in yourself. And they don’t appreciate you enough at the bank. They just don’t and we all know it.

STEVE: Thanks Cecil. You know, I think I’ll do it. It couldn’t hurt to just do an interview right?

CECIL: Heck yeah! I’m so proud of you.

Oh Steve, I’ve got to go. Apparently there’s something happening with the chrysalis.

STEVE: Ok sure. See you at dinner, buddy.

Ok, let me just get back to my desk. Boy this is a longer walk than I remembered. It’s almost like the station changes dimension and layout every day. Haha. Ha.

And here we go. Hello listeners. Cecil here. Sorry for the dead air. Some news on the chrysalis. It has fully opened, and from it walked a woman with very smooth skin. Her hair was soft and fluffy, like the hair of a newborn. She was wearing a light blue suit. And now that I look at her, she has the same basic dimensions and profile as the town’s founder. Huh. That’s interesting.

She is walking among the people who have gathered, caressing their cheeks gently. She is cooing. Finally she stops in front of a man. The man is broad shouldered and handsome. She smiles shyly and he smiles shyly. She places one hand on each of his shoulders and cocks her head in question, and he nods his head in answer. And then she…oh. She has unhinged her jaw and she is swallowing his body whole, I can only see his legs sticking out of the inky dark of her mouth. And now he is gone. She is not distended at all as the result of this unholy feast. She is still trim, her suit still sits well on her torso. Her skin is even softer now.

So anyway, that’s what happened there.

Stay tuned next for a woman with soft skin and soft hair, gently putting her hands on your shoulders and wordlessly asking you a question that you do not want to answer, but you will answer and you already know what that answer is.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.