You can’t spell team without me! You also can’t spell it without tea! Or eat! Or, huh. These New York Times puzzles are tricky. Welcome to Night Vale

Listeners, as you may have noticed, recently we introduced a simple Lost and Found section into our radio broadcast. We are always searching for a way to better serve our community. After all, we are community radio, and we take the community part of that very seriously. We also take the radio part of that very seriously, since it requires a lot of expensive microphones and mixing boards and a big broadcast tower and is generally a huge pain. Especially now that I’ve had to act as both host and manager of the station ever since station management…. Ever since…well now that I’m acting station manager. It’s been a lot.

But I’m getting away from my point, which is unlike me. I’m usually so laser focused and on topic during these broadcasts. It’s just the stress of having to make sure our HR policies are up to date and order coffee resupplies for the break room and feed the Hound that Lives in the Basement. It’s all too much. I’m sorry, I digressed again.

The point is that we’ve gotten so many Lost and Found requests that I will be devoting the entire show today to them. Hopefully we can find everything lost, and reunite everything found. That’s the goal anyway. Let’s get right to it.

We’ll start with an update on the Florida Keys. Now, you may remember that several went missing, only to turn up in Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka was happy to ship them back, and it looked like we were heading to a satisfying ending to this story. But unfortunately, there has been a mishap. The shipping company, Big Don’s Logistics and Slightly Stale Bread, mislabeled the package, and the keys have instead been delivered to the county of Cumbria, in the far northwest of England. Locals there have indicated that they will not give up the keys. “Are you kidding?” said the mayor of the small town of Workington. “There’s now a bunch of warm tropical isles right here and you want us to give that up? Get lost, mate.” Ooh, I’m so glad I got a chance to demonstrate my perfect northern English accent. I think you’ll agree it was flawless.

In any case, Florida is demanding their Keys back, and talks between the two parties have become tense. But I wouldn’t worry. It doesn’t seem likely that the British government would start a war over the ownership of a few sparsely inhabited islands. I’m sure it will be fine.

Meanwhile, Big Don of Big Don’s Logistics and Slightly Stale Bread has apologized for the mistake. “That was our bad for sure,” Don said. “And we are happy to make good on it with some free bread, which I think you’ll find is mostly still edible.”

Well, I hope things work out for the best. They rarely do, but it never hurts to hope.

Let’s get to our headlines.

The Grove Park Beautification Initiative is launching with a gala at the Community Center this Saturday. The Initiative Board President, Alondra Ortiz, said that the goal of the program is to restore Grove Park to its natural beauty, as it was before all these ugly benches and fountains and trees and birds were added. “Dirt!” cried Alondra, standing on a corner in Night Vale’s commercial district, while holding a sign that also said “dirt”. She concluded, “all will be dirt and ash!” before wandering into the Kohl’s to buy some new socks.

An opposition group, called the Grove Park People For Grove Park For the People has formed, saying that honestly they think trees are pretty neat and that benches are good for sitting. When asked about this opposition, Alondra said that it stank of communism and that she would see them before the committee and then refused to answer any further questions saying she was shopping for new socks and to please leave her alone.

This has been headlines

More lost and found.

Lost: A baby. A newborn baby, all squalls and needs. Last seen transforming into a toddler, capable of making you laugh and making you growl in frustration within the same chaotic minute. Also lost: toddler. Last seen transforming into a little girl, who reminded you that imagination wasn’t merely a tool but a place where one could dwell. Also lost: little girl, last seen transforming into a bigger girl, who furrows her brow over homework, who is starting to have ideas of what the rest of her life might look like, who sometimes wins arguments because she is right and you are wrong. Also lost: bigger girl, last seen transforming into a teen, capable of making you laugh and making you growl in frustration within the same chaotic minute. Also lost, teen, last seen transforming into an adult woman, who no longer needs you, not really, although sometimes she wants to need you, just as you always want her to need you, in some small way. If you have any idea where all the previous versions of this person went, all the little people who disappeared as she aged, please call Bernard Sampson at the Dollar Store. He just wants to know. He just wants to understand.

Found: A sense of purpose. I already have one, so if anyone needs a spare, please stop by 544 Milkweed Lane. Purpose is being offered as is, with no guarantees that it is worthwhile or noble.

Lost: A song, sung by Darren Buchanan in Oklahoma City in 1975 while washing the dishes. It was a catchy little tune, but the next day he had forgotten it, and no one ever sang it again.

Found: Dog. If this is your dog, please provide the first 4 digits of its serial number as proof.

Lost: The sunlight as it was on your eighteenth birthday. The way it felt on your skin, which was so new, because you were so beautiful, beautiful in a way you were unable to understand at the time. The way that the sunlight fell through the windshield as you drove around aimlessly with your friends, listening to that song that you listened to over and over that year. The way the sunlight seemed to usher you into each day, a welcome mat for a world that belonged to you. There have been warm days since, but the sunlight has never been that sunlight. If found, please return to PO Box 617. No questions asked.

Found: 409 dollars in a plain paper bag. I won’t be returning it, I just wanted to let you know.

Lost: Hat. If found, please don’t approach.

More lost and found soon.

But first, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s sponsor is Bisquick.

When all is said and done. When everything is over. When the last of it is, at last, gone. When dust springs up from the earth. When the clouds gather again and again, pouring rain onto nothing. When the oceans are empty, right down to the dark silt at the bottom. When the buildings have leaned, and teetered, and crumbled and returned to the earth. When the last human is no longer a memory, because memory is no longer a thing that happens. When the sun begins the long slow swallowing of the earth. When the mountains are ground down to nothing, and then new mountains form, and then those mountains are ground down to nothing. When all is said and done. When the last of it is, at last, gone.

This will be the time of Bisquick. Await us.

This has been a word from our sponsors.

And now for the children’s puzzle section.

First the maze.

Ok, so there is a mouse and it is trying to get to the cheese. Should it go left, right, right, left, left, u-turn, right, left? Or should it go right, right, right, left, left, right, left, right, through?

Now, a connect the dots. Please make the sounds that go in the blanks to form the shape of a fun animal! El [pause] ph [pause] nt. It may not look like much on its own, but once you connect the dots, who knows what it will be!

And finally, the family fun comic! Ok, so there’s a little boy and he’s walking down the sidewalk with his grandpa and he’s holding a little toy boat and the boat is full and I mean full, just overflowing, with blood, and this comic is in black and white but the blood is bright red, may in fact be drawn with real blood, unclear on that, and the grandpa has turned his head away, he knows what the boy is holding but hasn’t yet admitted to himself that it is real, let alone the terrible truth about the child that this implies, and the boy knows the truth, knows what the boat means, and he relishes it, he hungers for the terrible and violent future that awaits him, for he knows that deep down he is a terrible and violent person. And there’s a caption below showing what the boy is saying which is “I think my boat has a boo boo.”

Ok, so that’s the children’s puzzle section. Enjoy, kid!

And now for more lost and found.

Lost: Any sense of perspective. Any ability to tell which moments are emergencies and which are just the everyday entanglements of human existence. Which moments are impossible, sheer walls and which are small obstacles that can be pushed through with a little determination. Which moments are crushing defeats and which are normal setbacks. If anyone has found any sense of perspective at all, please reach out to Nilanjana Sikdar down at the science lab next to Big Rico’s. She could really use it right now.

Found: Orb. If you’ve lost orb, or even just want orb, please email orb@orb.orb. Use subject line “orb”.

Lost: Spacecraft. We lost a spacecraft somewhere over the American desert around 1947 and we’ve been looking for it since. If found, please don’t be weird about it. We get the vibe you all would be really weird about it.

Found: A summer’s day from 2018. Seems nice. Waking up late but without a hangover because it was before your body really had hangovers, not as you understand them now. Seeing which of your friends were up to hang, and then just hanging. Maybe at a pool or a lake or out on the lawn. The world seemed to vibrate at the exact same frequency as the pulsing energy of your body. And the sunset was a gorgeous billowing purple and you put your arm around someone you loved, someone you thought you would love forever and ever, although this feeling would not survive the coming autumn. But for that moment, it existed, as the sky deepened into night. If you would like this day back, please let me know how because I desperately want it back too.

Lost: Hat. I cannot emphasize enough that you should not approach this hat if you find it. The hat has teeth. It’s a very special hat, and you should run if you see it.

More of what is lost and what is found after…the weather.

WEATHER

I received this lost notice, which frankly is a little long. Let’s try to be more concise, people. But as a service to the community, I do feel an obligation to read this out as written.

“Lost: Sarah. Last seen laughing up a storm on a night that was like any other night, except that it was the last night that was like that. Last is an adjective only visible in hindsight.

“Sarah was at a bar, with a friend. The friend had just said something funny. I can’t say what it was, not because I don’t know what it was, but because it was only funny within the context of several events in their lives that I do not have time to summarize here. The point is that it was funny and Sarah was laughing and her hand was on the table and her friend’s hand was on the table and they weren’t holding hands but still there was a deep intimacy there. Not romantic, not exactly, but two people whose lives are folded into each other’s in ways that feel so wonderfully inextricable.

“Except that her friend got offered a job that next morning, in a city that was a several-hour flight away. And they celebrated and acted like it was no big deal, after all phones and video chats exist, we can see each other just as much as ever if we want. Except that they didn’t see each other just as much. They tried at first, but things came up, and they’d have to reschedule, which was definitely no big deal, and then no big deal again when they had to reschedule once more, and then it wasn’t a big deal when they weren’t able to talk for a few weeks. After all, work was busy for both of them, and they would be best friends for the rest of their lives so what was a few weeks here and there in the long stretch of it?

“And then she and her friend did not talk for two years. Neither of them could believe it was happening, but there were always so many other things to think about, so they never had time to think about their dying friendship, and when they finally talked again, it was all different, because they were all different. Their lives were no longer intertwined. They were no longer wonderfully inextricable. Without her friend, Sarah became a different person. She was always herself, but who that self was felt slippery, unstable.

“So I’m looking for Sarah. Last seen in the mirror, seconds ago, but that’s not the Sarah I’m looking for. I’m looking for the Sarah that sat in the bar, laughing up a storm at a joke that honestly even I don’t remember the context of anymore, only that it was so funny, and that I laughed so hard. If you find that Sarah, please bring her back to me. I’d just like to be her again, even for a little while.

“Also, I found a hat. It’s honestly kind of weird. Lot of teeth. If it’s yours, please get it out of my house. It seems hungry.”

Well, this has been lost and found, and I hope everything lost gets found and everything found gets…uh…lost. Sorry, that tagline got away from me a little.

Stay tuned next for The Barks Ennui Terrible Jazz Hour, featuring only the worst jazz for an entire hour that will feel much longer than that. Brought to you by Brita Filters.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.