Call me old-fashioned, but there are too many different kinds of saxophones now. Welcome to Night Vale.

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Today’s the big day, Night Vale. A brand new branch of the Night Vale Public Library is opening over on the East Side. Yes, finally, all of our East Side residents can access books, periodicals, reference materials, and dangerous, flesh-hungry librarians without having to hike two hours through the dust pits and brush heaps to reach the main library in downtown Night Vale.

The new branch will feature public wifi, water fountains, and more than 2 dozen copies of The Unauthorized Autobiography of Josh Gad. And since today is the grand opening, there will be several events to mark the special occasion.

Beginning right now, the entire City Council is standing on the steps of the East Side Branch alongside several local luminaries like film legend Lee Marvin (who turns…wow… 35 in just a few months!) and former mayor and director of Emergency Press Conferences Pamela Winchell (who is wearing nothing except the rear section of a 2-person horse costume). Other celebrity guests include critically acclaimed novelist Jonathan Franzen (who recently won the Booker Prize for Fiction for his novel A Golden Age for Parachuting), and also Brenda. Good to see Brenda could make it.

It's a real who’s who of Night Vale up there. Council Member Tamika Flynn, and well-known librarian hero, has been given the honor of cutting the ceremonial ribbon. The crowd could not be more electric. There she goes. The ribbon is cut. The new branch of the Night Vale Public Library is now open.

Of course, for all of the excitement of this new facility, there remain several citizens who have expressed deep concern over another library in their town. A representative of the East Side homeowners association, Daniel Charles Kiryelejza (KEY-ree-EL-ayza), said, “It’s like building a hornet’s nest in your dining room. It seems like a great idea because hornets are cute. But,” Daniel continued, “Before you know it, there are hornets crawling in your hair, harassing your sister’s new boyfriend, and eating all of your soda crackers. It’s no good!”

Daniel then began tickling his own kneecaps and cry-laughing.

The City Council has refuted any concerns about safety by assuring the public that they have triple-checked all security measures. The librarians cannot harm innocent citizens who just want to check out Maeve Binchy’s Circle of Friends for the 12th time.

“It’ll be fine,” the City Council hissed. “Stop worrying your gelatinous little heads.”

Well, Night Vale. There are dangers with any new construction. Remember when the new Home Depot went up over at the Old Town Mall, and I burned my tongue on some acorn squash that exact same night? You have to take the good with the bad, folks.

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And now, let’s go to Lost and Found.

Earlier this month we reported that several Florida Keys had been lost. Well a good listener to this program found them. They washed up near his home in Sri Lanka. The nation of Sri Lanka has offered to return them, but they’re requiring Florida to pay for shipping. Florida has set up a go-fund-me page to support priority mail service to return their keys. They need to raise twenty-eight dollars by Wednesday.

We also reported a couple weeks ago that a new friend (with the possibility of more) was found by Latrice Beaumont. She would like to report that the “more” part of that has become an “actuality” instead of a possibility, and she will be accepting high fives from noon until 3pm this Saturday afternoon outside the Dutch Brothers on 18th & Devonshire Boulevard.

More lost and found.

LOST: Codes for entry to the missile silo in the desert near the secret Air Force Base. If found, please contact Alexsei via ham radio. Do not use human language.

LOST: Chair. It’s a chair and it is lost. Bring me the chair please. I miss chair. Chair gone. Love chair.

FOUND: A set of Franklin Mint collectible plates featuring the members of the rock band Kansas. These hand painted plates were originally printed in limited edition in 1988, and without them, no one knows what the rock band Kansas looks like.

This has been Lost and Found.

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Despite some apprehensions in the community about public safety, most of Night Vale is thrilled about the opening of the new library branch on the East Side. The whole day is filled with special events, including a literary panel featuring acclaimed writers like archaeologist Harrison Kip, novelist Jonathan Franzen, and poet Melanie Pennington.

Harrison Kip recently finished a new book called The Lost Civilization of New Zealand, about a country called New Zealand that has always been thought to be legend, but Harrison claims is totally real and located over by Japan somewhere. Jonathan Franzen also has a new edition of his classic novel One Last Swing for the Tuesday Boys coming out this Spring. And Melanie Pennington recently gave up a career of computer programming to write poetry, though all of her poetry is just old C-plus-plus code, but read aloud.

Following the literary panel, some very special students from Night Vale Middle School will read their original short stories, which they wrote in Mr. Prescott’s 5th period AP English class. They’ll also be showing off the capoeira dance-fighting techniques and pistol marksmanship they learned in Mr. Prescott’s class as well.

Later tonight is the opening Gala, which will feature a four course dinner, live music by Mitski (Mitski won’t be performing live, but the music will be played live from Pamela Winchell’s Google Pixel 8), and the evening will be capped off by a silent auction. The top item up for bid is a chair someone found.

The grand opening celebrations are underway, but noticeably absent is Councilmember Tamika Flynn. She was asked by reporters why she wasn’t staying for the festivities. Tamika replied, “I’ve seen the horrors of the library, and it’s not for me. I only use the web portal to check out books.”

That’s disappointing that our town hero – the young girl who, back in 2013, defeated the librarians in the Summer Reading Program – can no longer stomach the fight. Is she afraid? Tired? Too old?

These are, of course, questions a responsible journalist should never pose without doing research first. Which is why I will say that those are questions an irresponsible journalist would ask. Not me. I’m just telling you what THEY would say, and you can decide if you think they’re good questions or not.

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And now: Corrections.

We here at the radio station regret our statements last Tuesday afternoon at 4:43pm and 19 seconds. While we understand that no apology can truly heal the wounds our words may have caused to certain members of our valued community, we would like to say, from the bottom of our hearts, “We are sorry.”

We here at the radio station consider our actions to be unforgivable, of course, but we also would like to acknowledge that we are recontextualizing this entire incident as a learning moment. We want to grow, to change, to better understand the concerns of all people in this great city of ours. And we know that words in this moment are not enough. Actions are not enough. It is but time that will allow us back into your hearts, to permit you to trust us once again.

With that said, we’d like to correct our erroneous statement from last Tuesday afternoon at 4:43pm and 19 seconds. We meant to say that Exit ELEVEN (that’s ELEVEN… yes Exit ELEVEN) of Route 800 will be closed through March 31 for construction. To avoid further offense, we will not repeat what we said before.

Thank you. This has been Corrections.

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Breaking news, Night Vale. There’s been an incident at the brand new library on the East Side. No one could have seen this coming.

I’m getting word from a source close to the situation, an anonymous informant who is inside the library right now, a tipster who will remain unnamed, though I will note that his novels The Corrections and Hark All You Gutter Saints are seminal works in American fiction. Anyway, I’m hearing from my contact that the Librarians broke free from their cages during the Literary Panel.

It was right at the part where my anonymous source was talking about the importance of using verbs if you’re describing what a character is doing, when the Librarians crashed in through the rear wall. They began to gnash teeth, swing tails, and spew venom. Many lives were lost, but some of the most important lives, those of the three writers on the panel in particular, were saved.

They were saved by the middle school students from Mr. Prescott’s class. Those three students – Alejandra Nuñez, age 12, Ronnie Sharma, age 13, and Nanako (NAH-nuh-koh) Barnes, also age 13 – used the butterfly knives that they crafted in 5th Period AP English to fight back the librarian-beasts, allowing for others to escape to safety down into the poorly-lit, windowless basement.

The Sheriff’s Secret Police have arrived at the library. They currently have the building surrounded and several members of the Special Operations Task Force are standing near the entrance saying “I’m not going in there. You go in there. Oh absolutely not.”

More on this soon, but first… An Editorial

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Night Vale, we all love dogs. It’s fun to pet them, snuggle with them, feed them treats, go for walks, talk about 90s ska bands with them. Dogs truly are humanity’s best friend. But dogs require more than just adoration, they need maintenance too.

For instance, I recently went for a walk in Grove Park with my family. It was a beautiful day. The clouds were humming. The birds were dying. The sun was radiant. And what do I see but a giant mess left by a dog right in the middle of my path?

Night Vale: please pick up after your dogs. They don’t have hands or senses of responsibility to the environment. They will never clean up after themselves, so it is on you to do so.

Let me describe in very specific, disgusting detail the mess that I saw in the middle of my walk the other day. First there were several empty Natty Ice cans and a crumpled up Playbill from a professional sporting event. There was also some feces and a Subway sandwich wrapper.

This is unacceptable, Night Vale. These dogs were clearly having a splendid time getting wasted, housing some Spicy Italians, and talking about athletic competition, but at the end of their fun, they need you – their owners – to clean up after them.

Hashtag WHAT’S UP WHY DON’T YOU CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR PUP. This has been an Editorial.

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And now back to the standoff at the new Library branch.

Sadly, according to my source, the brave middle school students were overtaken by the librarians and dragged away. My source once said in his novel The Penultimate Memories of Harold that quote “no teenager ever did nothing worth a good golly goshdang.” He takes back what he said, and now believes teenagers are quite cool. “Cooler than a Kirkus Starred Review,” he said, anonymously.

These brave teenagers fought so hard, but it was simply not enough. They are gone. Gone but not forgotten: Alejandra Nuñez, age 12, Ronnie Sharma, age 13, and Nanako (NAH-nuh-koh) Barnes, also age 13… you will be forever in our hearts and minds. May you rest in peace. But if you don’t, may you rise from your graves as warrior ghosts who will avenge the wrongs against you by these terrible librarians. Either way, it’s gonna be great.

A dismayed public prays now for a hero. Perhaps an honored veteran of battles at the library. Perhaps a young woman who once had the fight in her to take on librarians in hand to claw combat. Perhaps a book lover who doesn’t take guff from a slobbery monster. Perhaps a talented warrior who knows exactly how to fight these creatures.

Is there such a hero?

Do we deserve a hero?

Should heroism be expected of every human?

And what is the weather like right now?

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WEATHER

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My anonymous source within the library called back. Again, I can’t tell you this person’s name, only that he is a Thomas Mann Prize-winning author of the novels Freedom, Crossroads, and Jazz Minutes. He said that everyone is safe and the librarians have been secured into their cages.

Night Vale, a hero arrived. A hero we may not deserve, but a hero we desperately needed.

No. Wait. I’m getting a text from my secret informant, the author of A Minuet for the Wandering Heart and several New Yorker Short Stories. He tells me there were not one, but THREE heroes. Alejandra Nuñez, age 12, Ronnie Sharma, age 13, and Nanako (NAH-nuh-koh) Barnes, also age 13. They who we thought were dead. They who fought so bravely. They of Mr. Prescott’s 5th Period AP English Class.

There wasn’t a single hero, like with that one girl in 2013, my contact said. This trio used their very specific skills in harmony to defeat the librarians. Alejandra Nuñez is the agile one. She was able to twist her way out of the Librarians’ grasp and quickly free her friends. Ronnie Sharma is the clever one. They devised a series of Rube Goldbergian traps that bemused and distracted the librarians. And Nanako Barnes… She is the strong one, and she was able to powerfully wield copies of Stephen King’s The Stand (the special 2002 rewrite that added the entire text of Proust’s A Remembrance of Things Past between pages 303 and 304). She wielded them right into the Librarians’ solar plexus.

This team of super teenagers defied all odds and brought down the villainous librarians, saving the East Side branch opening and all of Night Vale in the process.

There was an Emergency Press Conference held by Pamela Winchell. After several loud snorts and sneezes, she handed over the mic to the three teens who came to our rescue. Reporters hounded them with questions. How did you do it? One asked. And Ronnie Sharma said: “It was my two friends’ who did it with their strength and agility.” And then Nanako and Alejandra added, “It was also Ronnie’s cleverness.”

“We’re a team, and we love each other,” they all called out in unison and the press corps cheered.

One journalist then asked “Was Tamika Flynn an inspiration to you all?”

There was a long pause before Alejandra Nuñez asked “Who?”

There was a record scratch…. because the DJ that Pamela Winchell hired was just learning this whole turntable thing. And then Nanako Barnes broke the awkward silence to whisper to Alejandra: “I think Tamika was that older lady who cut the ribbon earlier.”

And Tamika Flynn, who was at the press conference said, “I’m only 23, y’all,” but no one heard or even noticed her.

“Oh yeah,” Ronnie Sharma said, “That lady. I don’t really know her deal… but honestly EVERYONE inspires us.”

“Yeah,” the three teens shouted as they joined fists in the air to form a little pyramid.

The press corps went wild. The crowd cheered. And a 23-year-old woman who learned it doesn’t take long to begin to fade from public attention walked back home. She made herself some pasta, thought about her feelings, took a few breaths, and moved on.

She had moved on from fighting. Violence was an answer, but never the right answer, she thought. She was a lawmaker, a leader, a true diplomat, and she was happy with that. She was still young after all. The world had yet to see her truly shine.

Across town, on the East Side, a line formed to take selfies with the newest teen celebrities in Night Vale.

Stay tuned next for 4 straight hours of uninterrupted easy listening hits, including (and also limited to) Life in a Northern Town by The Dream Academy.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: Never look a gift-horse in the butt, either.