Ah, that crisp fall air. That crunchy fall air. Love that nice hard crust on the fall air. Welcome to Night Vale.

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For today’s top story we take you out to the sandwastes. Archaeologist Harrison Kip published a paper last month stating that he has evidence to suggest there is a major find out there somewhere. He’s not sure what it is. He’s quote “Going on Gut,” but Kip is positive he’ll find something worthy of putting in a museum.

“Frankly the Natural History Museum of Greater Night Vale is really putting the screws to me, y’all,” Kip said while nervously smoking a cigarette in an alley behind the Old Town 7-Eleven. “If I don’t find something huge, and soon, I may never see my family again,” he continued.

Kip then dashed out his Benson & Hedges Gold on his boot heel and said, “I’m doing this to save my wife, Samantha, and our four children!” He then jumped into his pickup and sped off toward the sandwastes.

When reached for comment, his wife, Angela, said: “Harrison’s always trying to save us from ruthless museum curators. Archaeology is a dangerous job. I knew that when I married him.”

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We’ll have more on Harrison Kip’s dig soon, but now it’s time for the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner. Hey kids today we’re going to learn how to make butter. All you need is a jar with a lid, and some heavy cream. You’ll also need a farm, and a cow, preferably a female cow. You’ll also need access to a processing facility that can handle small batch pasteurization.

Okay, did you get all the supplies? Great. And make sure your parents are around when you do this, because you want to show them up. Don’t let your parents win at Knowing Things. Demonstrate that you can make butter from something that is not butter, like Jesus did with the wine. He did that to show his dad that he was a big boy now. And so are you. What are you? 12? 13! Wow. You’re almost a grown-up.

You don’t need me to tell you how to make butter. You’re almost old enough to get a job and move to the City, where you can just buy butter and ignore your parents. In fact, might as well get a head start on that. See if the processing facility needs a foreman or something. Good luck!

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

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Harrison and his team of archaeologists arrived in the sandwastes and they’ve already started their search for something (anything!) of note to bring back to the Museum. Harrison was sweating, not from the heat, but from the fear of what will be done to him or his family should he fail to come through on his promises.

Never cross a museum curator is the most important thing you learn in Archaeology Academy, so whatever he finds better be significant.

Thankfully, Harrison has many friends in the scientific community, like Blake Jones, Nilanjana (Nih-LAWN-juh-nuh) Sikdar, and (my favorite) Carlos Robles. All of whom are helping out on the big dig with their shovels and brushes and backhoes. Harrison also belongs to a… well, I’m not gonna call it a church … a religious order?… that seems right. Anyway, the entire congregation showed up in their matching gray onesies to help out their brother.

Blake Jones found pieces of a skeleton he believed belonged to a giant squid. Harrison Kip was momentarily thrilled to hear that there was evidence of this rarely-encountered sea beast right here in the desert, but when he learned it was only a femur and a few metatarsals, he deflated.

“Squid leg bones are a dime a dozen,” Kip snorted. “I need to find a ribcage or a skull to really have something.”

Nilanjana Sikdar thought she had discovered some ancient pottery, but it turned out to be the remains of an alien spacecraft. And Carlos found a Russian submarine beneath one of the dunes and muttered “another one of these things” while rolling his eyes.

All of these are nice enough discoveries. Any museum would be content to have these objects to add to their collections of squid legs, UFO wreckage, and desert submersibles, but nothing about these findings is unique.

Harrison was close to giving up. He wanted to call it a day, and go home. And then shave off his long hair and beard, change his name, and move to some Indianapolis suburb, praying every night to his many gods that the Natural History Museum of Greater Night Vale would never find him.

But that’s when it happened. Carlos was walking toward Harrison, planning to give him a friendly, sympathetic embrace and maybe some cool ideas for new names, like Shaka, or Hieronymus, or El Capitán. But Carlos tripped on a cable. He thought it was just a power cord for Nilanjana’s Dirt Devil, but it was actually a tripwire.

Soon, a rumble. Then, a shifting of the earth. All of the archaeologists, the scientific volunteers, and the hundreds of people I’ve never seen in my life who all apparently belong to Harrison Kip’s religious order, had to jump back to avoid the hole that formed in the sandwastes.

From that hole rose a 30 meter limestone cube.

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More on that soon, but first, here’s this week’s Community Calendar.

Friday afternoon at Big Rico’s Pizza, Big Rico himself will be offering pizza-making classes. He’ll teach you how to melt the cheese, how to heat up the tomato sauce, and how to pour all of that onto a paper plate. This is a great course for both beginners and master pizza chefs alike. The classes are only 17 minutes long, and participants must wear clothing, as they do not want a repeat of what happened last year.

This Saturday at the Night Vale Convention Center and Car Wash is the annual Knife Show, featuring every kind of knife you can imagine: Chef’s knives, butterfly knives, utility knives, smart knives, kitten knives, and jagged shards of glass.

Come out to the Convention Center and Car Wash to point at the knives and go “oooh!” and “owwie!” It’s a fun event for the whole family.

My friend, and Night Vale city council member Tamika Flynn told me about the Knife Show. She asked me if I would go with her and the strange, nameless boy she’s been fostering. I’m not into knives myself. (I’m more of a hook guy). But still it sounded like the boy really wanted to go, and she wanted someone to help supervise him. She didn’t sound like she could really stop him from going, even if she tried.

So come out to the Knife Show and help us keep this kid away from the knives.

Finally, this Monday is a critically important day for everyone in town. The National Guard (in conjunction with NASA, the American Dental Association, and the President of the United States) has warned us that under no circumstances should you….

Hold on, listeners. I have to interrupt the Community Calendar for a bit of breaking news. I just received a press release from the Natural History Museum of Greater Night Vale saying that they have discovered The Tomb of the Ancestors, a structure once thought to be either lost to time or simply a myth.

Harrison Kip did it! He made a major discovery.

The official opening of this brand new exhibit is today, only minutes from now. Everyone drop what you’re doing and go check it out.

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I’m being told by an “anonymous source” present at the dig that Harrison Kip and his archaeological helpers found a secret entrance into that enormous stone cube in the sandwastes. Inside they saw a large wooden panel upon which was painted the words “WELCOME TO THE TOMB OF THE ANCESTORS.”

Upon seeing this, Harrison tore off his sunglasses and declared: “I believe this to be…” and here he paused for effect… “the Tomb of the Ancestors.”

And the whole crowd erupted in cheers. They immediately began dismantling the elaborate construction, opening burial chambers, and taking selfies in front of death masks.

Every member of the Town Elder Council (the founding entity of Night Vale) was buried in the Tomb of the Ancestors on the exact same day: November 15, 1831. Many of the founders were already dead, but many were not. Still they knew it was a sacrifice they had to make for their fledgling city.

As Town Elder Archibald Planchenson said on the moment of entombment: “Wait! Don’t close the tomb yet. I have to pee.” And to this day, those words are emblazoned on our city’s flag and official seal.

At least that was the legend we had always been told. But it seems that it was not a legend after all. Here is actual proof that the Town Elder Council built an elaborate tomb and buried themselves in the sandwastes.

They apparently also set a bunch of traps like boulder ramps, swinging spikes, and a slide covered in chocolate sauce. But after surviving those hidden dangers, scientists Blake Jones and Nilanjana Sikdar found the mummified bodies of the Town Elder Council, all perfectly preserved, and all wearing their famed soft-meat crowns.

Listen, I know science isn’t a competition, but if it were, Carlos would be the best scientist. But it’s not, so we’ll just settle for calling him the best person. Anyway, Carlos found some writing carved into the stone walls above the bodies. That text read: “All who disturb this grave will be cursed.”

Carlos warned Harrison that they could be in terrible danger.

Harrison replied, “Ooh, good catch, my guy. Hey, can you help me load these sarcophagi into my truck?

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More on the new exhibit at the museum in a moment, but first, let’s have a look at traffic. The Highway Department reports there are soaring apparitions all over town, flooding out of a giant hole out in the sandwastes. Officials admitted that the apparitions are beautiful, alluring even. But they warn that these apparitions are causing major visibility issues on our roadways. Plus, if you look directly at the apparitions, no matter how prepossessing they may be, you will definitely melt. Your eyes will turn to liquid, followed by your head, and then the rest of your body. And all that will remain of you is a puddle of filth that will then burst into flames, and from those flames will emerge another apparition, not unlike a super-pretty phoenix.

The Highway Department is recommending that everyone stay off the roads unless absolutely necessary, and if you do have to drive anywhere, keep those eyes closed.

This has been traffic.

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So, uh, listeners, I can see some apparition-looking things swooping around outside my studio. The Highway Department is actually right. They’re gorgeous. The Highway Department and I don’t always agree on what we find attractive, but in this case, they’re spot on.

(Okay, Cecil, don’t look directly at the apparitions. Try to understand what they’re doing and report on it without staring for too long.)

From the corner of my eye, it seems the apparitions are swirling above a single spot a few blocks from here. That’s right where the Natural History Museum is. In fact, it’s where the opening of the new exhibit is starting right now.

As I go to investigate this breaking story, you will go to the weather.

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WEATHER

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First things first, the new exhibit was awesome. There was a huge crowd outside of the museum, clamoring to get in. Most of these people were excited to see the exhibit, but I think a few were just scared of the apparitions flying overhead and wanted to get inside as quickly as possible.

Of course, I brought my hat that has a notecard jammed into the brim, upon which is the handwritten word “PRESS.” So with this credential, I was allowed priority access.

I, along with the first dozen or so museumgoers, was met in the exhibit hall by the museum’s head curator: Tommaso “Tommy Two Thumbs” Cavaliere. Tommy Two Thumbs blindfolded us before entering, explaining that the apparitions were everywhere, and he couldn’t afford the insurance if we were allowed to see anything. “Aint nobody seein nuthin” he snapped. I could smell stale cigars and sharp cologne.

Tommy and his top archaeology boss, Harrison Kip, walked us through the exhibit. Instead of us seeing what was on display they carefully explained each item to us. Like: “This is a casket.” And: “This is another casket.” And: “Here’s a bowl of eyeballs.” although I think that one was just peeled grapes. It was really really cool.

For me, the highlight of the tour was a journal they found, its pages in impeccable condition. I loved hearing the words read aloud to us, all these old phrases from a much earlier time, things like “I beseech thee” and “That’s so dope” and “Green Day rules.”

Toward the end of the tour, though, I could feel the apparitions whirling about, their movements becoming more agitated. The air grew cold every time one came near. And the apparitions’ wails and shouts were drowning out Harrison’s and Tommy’s voices. Soon the room was filled with bone-chilling shrieks.

Since we were blindfolded, we didn’t know what was happening until it was too late. All of the museum-goers, as well as Harrison and Tommy, were surrounded by a spinning circle of screaming, beautiful spirits. It felt like The End. The sounds of their shouts were hideous but somehow attractive. I wanted to take off my blindfold and look at them, to see what could make such a lovely but haunting noise.

Sensing my temptation, Harrison grabbed my arm and said, “No, Cecil. It’s like we say in my place of worship: ‘If you know too much, you have to die.’ So keep them blinders on your eyes, friend. I know what I have to do.”

And with that, Harrison was gone. I called out for him, but there was no response. He had fled, leaving us alone to face the wrath of the angry spirits. But moments later, I heard a rumble and a roar and a crash. It was Harrison’s pickup truck bursting through the stanchions and into the museum.

“Load them caskets in the bed, y’all,” he shouted. And so we began to reach for the caskets. Harrison then said, “Nope, to your left. Your other left. Yep. There you go!”

Blind and scared, we lifted the artifacts into his Dodge Ram 4500 with Extended Cargo Bed. I leapt into the passenger seat as he was driving off. We pulled out of the museum parking lot, tore off our blindfolds, found Route 800, and sped off to the sandwastes.

Tommy Two Thumbs and the rest of the museum crowd followed, and out at the Big Dig, where the Tomb of the Ancestors lay, we pulled up in the pickup and began to return the mummified bodies to their rightful place of rest.

Tommy looked like he wanted to stop us, but even he knew it was the only option. And while the exhibit had to close mere moments after opening, it was an undeniable success.

As the bodies were placed back into the tomb, apparitions returned to the pit. And when the last body was put away, the Tomb sunk back into the dusty earth, desperate and done-with.

Most of the apparitions made it back into the Tomb as well, but a few were running late and missed their chance. So now they’re stuck here in the living world. But honestly, it’s only like 3 of them, not a whole sky-full. Just don’t look directly at them, and you should be fine.

Harrison Kip was also reunited with his wife Angela and their four kids: Mitch, Dale, Suzannah, and Tammy.

“Samantha!”Harrison cried out as the whole family embraced. “Michael, Davey, Amanda, and Terry! You’re all alive!” he sobbed in joy. The Kip family is planning a vacation to celebrate and relax before Harrison returns to the dangerous adventures that come with a life in archaeology.

He said he next wants to find the Holy Grail. He’s pretty sure it’s buried in his neighbor’s yard, so it shouldn’t take long. Though he’s going to have to get by their golden doodle first.

Stay tuned next for the entire catalog of Lana Del Rey played at 40% speed. And as always, Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: Winning isn’t everything. There’s also losing. But even more than that, there are eggs, fuel injectors, three-piece suits, the state of Georgia, Bon Jovi, Diet Pepsi, dish soap, windows, air, german sausages, polish sausages, golden retrievers, other dogs, backpack straps, history textbooks, passwords, curtain rods, white cheddar popcorn, guitar amps, throw pillows…