KEVIN: Tonight is the magical night where we light a squash on fire and lie to people about who we are. Welcome to Desert Bluffs Too.

Happy Frown Night, Desert Bluffs Too, the scariest night of the year, when we are allowed to turn our smiles upside down.

Now, usually, for these special holiday shows, I have my friend, Lauren Mallard, joining me. But I haven’t seen her for years, ever since her mismanagement of the Mudstone Abyss construction project, which was the same night she was deposed as mayor. I miss Lauren.

Well, guess it’ll just be me today. And honestly, it’s nice to be able to talk about this special day all by myself.

LAUREN: Hi, Kevin.

KEVIN: Smiling God! Lauren. I didn’t even hear you come in.

LAUREN: I’m sneaky. How you been, pal? It’s been too long.

KEVIN: [taken aback by Lauren’s appearance: she’s very chipper but a hideous frown has been tattooed across her face. ] Fine… um, and you look great. As always. You always look great. You’re glowing, literally, there’s light radiating from your head.

LAUREN: Oh, that’s because I got a new job. I’m now High Priestess of the Joyous Congregation of the Smiling God.

KEVIN: Did you go to school to become—

LAUREN: [a tad punchy] Priesthood is bestowed upon the chosen, Kevin. The Smiling God spoke and I’m the High Priestess now.

KEVIN: Congratulations… I’m speechless, Laur—I mean, Madame High Priestess.

LAUREN: Please. Kevin. We’re old friends. Call me Mother Lauren.

KEVIN: Welcome to my show, Mother Lauren.

LAUREN: Our show. We do this show together. It’s a holiday special after all. And I want to wish you and all of our listeners a very Happy Frown Night.

KEVIN: Of course. And it looks like you’ve already painted on your frown, Mother Lauren. You must be very excited for this day.

[pause]

LAUREN: [barely hiding her bitterness] It seems like you’ve forgotten Kevin. That’s just how my face looks now, after what the angry mob did to me. After I was removed from my position as mayor of Desert Bluffs Too. Which only happened because you didn’t like the work I was doing on the Mudstone Abyss. So I have a tattooed frown, all the time. Everywhere I go I have to tell people, no, look at my actual lips, my actual teeth. I am smiling. I am. I am. Please believe me. And they do because I am the High Priestess of the Joyous Congregation of the Smiling God, and they weep when they see my eyes. The Smiling God must have chosen me because I have suffered so greatly. Only those who have been to the bottom can rise to the top. And only those who understand suffering may righteously demand suffering.

So no, this isn’t makeup. It’s permanent. It’s what my face looks like after all that. It seems maybe you have forgotten.

[long pause]

[chipper again] Of course, the frown isn’t my real mouth. See? I’m smiling with my actual lips and teeth. Look!

[she’s pulling the corners of her mouth back with her fingers] You’re not looking. I’m opening my mouth to you and you’re closing your eyes, Kevin. Look at these teeth and tell me I’m not happy.

KEVIN: You’re very happy, Mother Lauren. Thank you for sharing your pleasure with me.

LAUREN: [back to normal mouth] Great. Let’s talk about Frown Night, Kevin. Old friend. Are you dressing up for the occasion?

KEVIN: Of course! As a child I loved dressing up for Frown Night. The costumes are my favorite part. One year I dressed up as the concept of ennui. Everyone was so frightened when they saw me. Another year, I went as elderly divorcé. And this year, I’m going as Daniel Day Lewis.

LAUREN: Oh, that’s a good one. But I do wish he’d smile more.

KEVIN: What about you?

LAUREN: I have a standard headdress made of pig’s teeth that I have to wear for all religious holidays. Plus the golden robe that covers my entire body. So no costumes for me anymore, but a few years ago I had a great outfit for Frown Night. I went as Massive Corporate Layoffs. Everyone was so upset.

My favorite part of Frown Night isn’t just the costumes, though. It’s going door to door trying to make other people frown. If you succeed they give you candy! And if you don’t, they give you something that looks exactly like candy, sealed up in official-looking candy wrappers to the point where it looks like real candy, but it’s actually fish.

KEVIN: Oh, who doesn’t love going door to door and shouting “Sob or Cod!” with your shoulders slumped eyes downturned. It’s every kids’ favorite night of the year. I remember as a child, when Frown Night ended, I’d take my bag of loot, and sit on the highest level of the lighthouse.

LAUREN: Oh, the one at the top of the mountain?

KEVIN: Of course that one! Where else would you put a lighthouse, Lauren?

LAUREN: I was thinking it might be the lighthouse in Dust Valley, next to the abandoned submarine. Or the one in the frozen foods section at Vons.

KEVIN: No, never those. I liked the one on top of the mountain the best because the light still works, and under the spinning lamp I would open my bag, carefully pulling out each piece of candy: Snickers, Reeses, Manischewitz, Pep Boys generic store brand, all the classics. And then I would smell each one making sure it wasn’t warm, uncooked halibut, or tilapia.

LAUREN: Ooh, tilapia was always the worst. There was an old lady on my street who made giant popcorn balls out of tilapia and canned hominy. They looked so delicious, but if you bit into them without smelling first, you’d have stomach pains for weeks.

KEVIN: It’s all part of the spirit of Frown Night.

LAUREN: It sure is. In fact, shall we tell the Story of Frown Night?

KEVIN: We shall.

KEVIN: Many years ago, in a small desert town, there lived the Schlecht Family. There was Mr. Schlecht, Mrs. Schlecht, Sister Schlecht, Brother Schlecht, and even their dog, who was a basset hound named Malo. They were very very mean, and they went around making everyone else very very unhappy.

LAUREN: The Schlechts did not smile. The Schlechts believed only in smiling when they felt happy, which was not all the time.

KEVIN: “Not all the time?” That’s a long way to say “never,” Lauren.

LAUREN: [laughing] You always have such good grammar tips, Kevin. Nothing makes me happier than hearing about errors in my speech.

KEVIN: the best way to improve oneself, is to hear about your imperfections from others.

LAUREN: [stifles a comeback; then a beat, and back to normal] Not only did the Schlechts refuse to smile all the time, they did other horrendous things, like refusing to hold the door for other people, even though those people were within 400 yards of the entrance.

One day, while visiting a bakery – a place with nothing to offer but happiness – Mr. Schlecht ordered a strawberry tart, but when the tart came, he said: “I’m sorry, this is a banana fudgesicle, and that’s not what I ordered.”

KEVIN: How rude! He didn’t!

LAUREN: He did! And when they brought him the strawberry tart, you know what he said?

KEVIN: He didn’t say “Praise the smiling god, and may happiness swallow you whole?”

LAUREN: No! Mr. Schlecht said nothing. He just nodded and left. No smile. No fealty to our blessed devourer.

KEVIN: [gasp] oooh. This is such a scary story. I love it. But let’s talk now about tonight’s Costume Contest at the Rec Center.

KEVIN: Before you go out tonight Sob-or-Codding, friends, make sure you stop by the Rec Center at 6pm and show off your scariest frown. It’s the one night a year where all frowns are legal, and you can even win prizes. First place gets dental surgery. It’s not free but it’s mandatory, which is pretty much the same thing.

Second place gets driven out into the desert and left there.

Third place gets shunned. But don’t worry. I’m sure you can do better than third place.

Okay, let’s get back to our story about the Schlecht Fam—

LAUREN: And I want to add that The Smiling God loves all of Its children, no matter what…. Unless you’re shunned. If your community doesn’t want you, The Smiling God doesn’t either. So make sure you get one of the top two spots in the Costume Contest.

KEVIN: And now back to the story of Frown Night.

One day, Mrs. Schlecht told her—

Lauren… uh, Mother Lauren, where did you go?

LAUREN: [calm, authoritative voice] I’m here.

KEVIN: I can’t see you. Your chair is empty, but I hear your voice.

LAUREN: I’m with you. I’m always with you, my child. Continue with your story. You have my blessing.

KEVIN: Thank you for your blessing. But also it’s my radio show, so I’ll continue either way.

LAUREN: Of course. Free will does seem real, doesn’t it?

[beat]

KEVIN: So… One sunny day, Mrs. Schlecht saw her neighbor, Ms. Feliz outside on her lawn. Ms. Feliz said “Smiles upon you, Mrs. Schlecht. How are you on this happy day?” And Mrs. Schlecht said “You know, Tina, it’s been hard. Jonathan and the kids and I don’t feel like we fit in. Everyone is always so happy. Everyone is always smiling, and sometimes we feel lonely and unfulfilled because we do not feel happy every second of every day.”

As Mrs. Schlecht finished saying this, Ms. Feliz clasped her hands to her mouth to cover her shock. It’s only polite, of course, to cover your mouth when you’re not smiling.

Meanwhile, Sister and Brother Schlecht were playing a baseball game with some of their classmates in the park. Brother Schlecht was hit in the head by a fly ball, and he began to cry. His older sister ran to him and held him. She wept, too, knowing that he felt such pain.

The other players stared in disbelief at such a vulgar display of sadness. And they ran home to tell their parents, who told their friends. Soon, everyone in town was terrified about what to do about this very sad family.

LAUREN: [normal, chipper voice] As the Prophet Rick O’Malley once said: “Cheer up, y’all.”

KEVIN: You’re back!

LAUREN: I’ve been here the whole time, Kevin!

KEVIN: But you—

LAUREN: “But you—” Don’t be silly. I’m everywhere now. It’s my job. Sometimes I’m not visible, but I can see all and do all. As High Priestess, I must be the eyes and ears of the Smiling God. It demands that I report back to It what everyone is doing and thinking and feeling.

KEVIN: So, you keep a, what?, a spreadsheet of people who do bad things and good things?

LAUREN: [laughs] No, that’s the Holy Accountant’s job, Kevin. I’m the High Priestess. I’m a much higher paygrade than a bookkeeper.

[beat]

But I do keep track of these things in my mind.

KEVIN: Can I ask…?

LAUREN: No.

KEVIN: Not even a hint as to how the Smiling God sees me?

LAUREN: I’m only allowed tell people happy news. And if I told you what the Smiling God really thinks of you, you’d become sad, and the Smiling God does not like it when you’re sad. So…. no.

[long pause]

[serious] Finish your story, Kevin.

KEVIN: The Schlechts were making the entire town sad, and no one knew what to do about it.

LAUREN: You know, when I think someone is feeling sad, I won’t talk to them again for months, maybe years. It’s important to give people space.

[beat]

Isn’t that what you’d do, Kevin?

KEVIN: It does sound like an emotionally mature response.

[beat]

One day, the Schlechts went too far. They were feeling so lost and confused that they decided to hire a family therapist.

LAUREN: Oh, that sounds like a good idea.

KEVIN: No, not shock therapy. Talk therapy.

LAUREN: NO!

KEVIN: Yes!

LAUREN: Kevin, talk therapists just let you feel your sadness. Get in touch with it. That’s a mortal sin.

KEVIN: Talk therapy was illegal in town (and still is to this day). In fact all mental health services are illegal, because you shouldn’t be allowed to charge someone money to help them feel better, when smiles are naturally free.

LAUREN: Amen.

KEVIN: Unbeknownst to the Schlechts, their “family therapist” was actually an undercover officer. It was part of a sting, and the entire Schlecht Family was arrested, even the basset hound, Malo.

LAUREN: And they learned their lesson and began to smile all the time, because prison is the only way to reform criminal behavior.

KEVIN: 99% of the time, yes, but not in this case. The Schlechts grew even sadder in jail. Even from behind stone walls and metal bars, the whole town could feel them frowning. It was unbearable. And they knew they had to do something.

More on this spooky Frown Night story, but first, the weather.

###

WEATHER

###

Listeners, Lauren’s gone again.

LAUREN: Still here. Just because you can’t see me doesn’t mean I can’t see you, Kevin.

KEVIN: I take it back, Lauren’s always here.

LAUREN: Mother Lauren, please. And finish your story, child.

KEVIN: Mother Lauren. Yes. So the town knew they had to help the Schlechts, and they rallied together like any good community would when one of their flock was suffering. The whole town showed up at the jail one night and they broke in and fed the Schlechts candy. Candy always makes people happy. And it worked!

LAUREN: Hooray!

KEVIN: But 30 minutes later, the Schlechts were sad again, complaining about something they called “A Sugar Crash”

LAUREN: I don’t know that phrase. It sounds like Latin. Were the Schlechts trying to chant a curse on the town?

KEVIN: The candy having failed, the town hired the famous clown Pagliacci to entertain the Schlechts. It would be hard to not feel joy and peace when a clown visits you unexpectedly in a locked room. But the Schlechts only screamed in horror at Pagliacci’s famous routine where he stands motionless at the end of a long, darkened corridor.

LAUREN: Oh goodness, that’s adorable!

KEVIN: It is, but for some reason it caused the Schlechts to shiver in fright. At this point, the town had only one plan left. They grabbed the Schlechts and pinned them down. Using house keys and fingernail clippers and whatever else they could find in their homes, the whole town carved smiles onto the Schlechts’ faces.

But this failed, too, as the Schlechts wailed and moaned about the pain.

LAUREN: Of course they did.

KEVIN: They were all out of ideas, but then… they remembered the lessons of their divine devourer: The Smiling God.

LAUREN: The Word is the truth!

KEVIN: They carried the Schlechts to the River of Joy and baptized each one of them by pushing their faces into the rushing, muddy sludge of the water. And it was a success! The Schlechts were no longer frowning.

LAUREN: Praise to the beast with a thousand legs and a thousand and one teeth!

KEVIN: Yes, Mr. Schlecht, Mrs. Schlecht, Sister Schlecht, Brother Schlecht, and even the basset hound, Malo, each sank deeper and deeper into the thick river until they were all gone. Their souls were delivered down into the fiery depths of love and compassion.

LAUREN: [clapping hands on each word like Honey from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf] Joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!

KEVIN: And every year on this night, what we now call Frown Night, we paint our faces with Frowns and dare each other to make us sad. And if we fail, we’re given fish flesh in candy wrappers.

It’s important that we face our greatest fear, and that is sadness.

LAUREN: And it’s important that we face our pasts, too. The story of the Schlechts is not always a happy one, but we must make amends for the wrongs of history.

KEVIN: [dubious] Of course.

LAUREN: Because to ignore our past is to destroy our future. I hope you don’t have anything in your past that you’ve not atoned for, Kevin

KEVIN: [knows she means him] No. I’m good.

LAUREN: Of course you are. Well, I’m going to wear my tattooed frown to the Costume Contest now. It’s not a tattoo I ever wanted for myself, and it was certainly not a punishment that *I* deserved, but yet, like all things in earth and sky, it makes me very very happy. May your future be all smiles, my child.

KEVIN: And with that she’s gone.

LAUREN: Still here! Still everywhere. (with a bottomless ocean worth of menace) Don’t forget it.

KEVIN: Stay tuned next for a hissing crowd celebrating a 3rd place finish.

And as always, until next time, Desert Bluffs Too, Until next time.

###

PROVERB: It turns out that you don't have to wait until Halloween! Any night of the year you can knock on a stranger's door and demand a treat under threat of a trick! They just won't react well at all!