What’s in the box? What’s in the box?!! WHAT’S IN THE BOOOXX?... Oh great. My printer toner cartridges finally arrived. Welcome to Night Vale.

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The Night Vale City Council approved today new murals to go up across the city. For too long our town’s walls have been devoid of artistic expression. Just a lot of concrete, brick, and adobe facades that don’t have anything thought-provoking to say about the state of our world. No one visits Night Vale because we don’t have any famous murals like Lady Pink’s Faith in Women in Minneapolis, or Keith Haring’s We the Youth in Philadelphia, or Damien Hirst’s Sharks Are Still Cool, Right? in Altoona.

The plan to increase the presence of public art was announced by the City Council from inside a storm drain next to the Panda Express along Commerce Street. They quietly hissed this new ordinance, hoping no one would hear, but it so happens that Joel Eisenberg was walking his pet iguana past the Panda Express at this exact moment, and he heard the whole thing.

So now it is law. And these murals will depict Night Vale’s rich history, from the indigenous people of the desert, to the soft meat crowns of early settlers, to the radio personalities who give voice to our great town.

The City Council has already hired an anonymous graffiti artist named Bansky [Bansky NOT Banksy]. Bansky works quickly and efficiently, and always without ever being seen by anyone. Bansky’s real identity has never been revealed.

Wait. Nope. I just googled him. Bansky is Jerrod Bansky. He lives in West Night Vale, over by the… Oh, I know Jerrod! His mom, Sharon used to babysit me and my sister Abby. And sometimes Jerrod would come over, and we’d play games together. All the classics, like Chutes and Ladders… Candyland… Who’s Cooking Cabbage… Oh yeah, he’s a good kid. Well, he’s probably around my age now. Anyway, good luck, Jerrod! Or as painters say… break an arm!

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And now, financial news: The Dow is up 38 points this morning after a news report claiming that Tesla would be quadrupling the size of all their cars. This sudden increase in the physical mass of the nation’s most popular electric automobiles will be done via an overnight system-wide update through each vehicle’s onboard wifi connection. Investors thrilled at the idea that their cars would suddenly, and with zero regard for physics, get really, really big.

“Imagine big cars,” the entire floor of the New York Stock Exchange said in unison. “Imagine. Big Cars. Bigcars. Big ol’ cars!” Some of them began laughing and hugging each other. Some began crying and thanking long-dead gods they had never even heard of.

The Stock Exchange then filled with doves, all beating their wings at once. And the undulating noise and the suddenly strong breeze overwhelmed the investors. And they screamed “Yes! Take us! Take us with you!” And the doves did. They took the investors away, picking each one up by the scruffs of their necks and flew them high and away to Long Island, to Nantucket, to Nova Scotia, to Iceland, to the Faroe Islands, to Svalbard and finally dropped the remaining investors into the icy waters of the Laptev Sea, where they grew gills and thick, insulating blubber, and they learned to sing in long, low tones. They mated with each other, and a new species was born unto the earth, unto our celestial home, unto our delicate ecosystem.

The investors live, now, in a rare Arctic reef, and they are so excited about the future of Tesla’s stock.

Also the Nasdaq is up half a point. This has been Financial news.

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Now it’s time for another Citizen Spotlight. This week, we’re talking about former radio station intern, and former mayor of Night Vale, Dana Cardinal.

I caught up with Dana this weekend at the new Squid Hut at Skillman and Edgewater. They have a $12.99 calamari bucket special which includes all-you-can-drink double-shot lattes. I give Squid Hut 3 and a half stars on my 4 and a quarter star scale.

Dana said she’s been laying low, ever since leaving office as Night Vale mayor. She understood that her decision to step down was a controversial one, and she has received some backlash. But a public life was just not for her.

She said she’s been enjoying her new career as a therapist, a job where she can help people one on one, rather than trying to deal with so many moving parts like in local government. She said she has some great clients, and I asked, “ooooh… like who? Tell me!” as I held my 4th latte of the morning up to my chin with both hands.

Dana said she couldn’t tell me though, because that would be an ethics violation. But she did share a few amusing, though anonymous, stories about some of her clients. And now I’m all like, oooweee, some of you listeners out there… wow. Pull it together, y’all.

One client of hers though has really been troubling Dana. She said he’s a nice man, but he keeps talking about having a double. An exact duplicate of himself who lives in an alternate version of America. She said his double is from some US State that she’s never even heard of and can’t pronounce.

Dana said she’s still traumatized by the incident from almost 10 years ago when she killed her double with a stapler. OR maybe she IS her double, and she killed the real Dana. She’s still not certain which.

And I said, “wow, how frightening. I wish you had told me about this before, Dana. This is the first I’m hearing of this.”

And then she just kind of glared at me. It was a weird moment.

But like any good therapist, Dana is seeing a therapist of her own… in order to grapple with her own resurgent emotions about that terrible incident.

Despite the heavy conversation, Dana looked and sounded healthy and happy. She said she misses seeing me, and that we should do this more often. I agreed. And then she asked me not to tell anyone about this conversation. She’s trying to keep a low profile.

(Of course, I told Carlos, but he’s my husband. That’s fair game. I didn’t tell anyone else, though. I’m nothing if not good at keeping secrets.)

This has been Citizen Spotlight.

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And now an update on the new Bansky murals. They’re already up! Wow, Jerrod works so quickly! There are a dozen new murals all across town, each made using only spray paint cans and a ladder.

There’s one by the Antiques Mall that shows a horse with 6 long legs and he’s wearing a baseball hat, and above him the sky is cooked pasta with marinara sauce.

There’s one behind the Ralphs that depicts the Battle of New Orleans, which is a war fought 650 years in the future by water scavengers who will defeat a race of blob-shaped alien oligarchs by pelting them with rocks. It will turn out that the aliens are allergic to rocks, which seems strange that they would land on this planet, let alone any planet, really. But that’s how they will be defeated on the shores Lake Pontchartrain in 2672

There’s even a mural that went up near me. I can see it right across the street. The painting is of a man. It’s in black and white. The man’s back is turned to the viewer. He’s sitting at a desk and leaning forward staring into a window and on the other side of the window is a mural of a man, sitting at a desk, but facing the first man. These men are familiar.

And I… I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Let’s go to the news.

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The new satellite campus for the University of What It Is has been completed in East Night Vale. They are already hosting classes and conducting field research into Night Vale’s many secrets. The interim dean of the university, Dr. Janet Lubelle, has already stated her intention to clearly and scientifically explain every single mystery in our town.

I sent my intern Rudee out to do some research of her own into Dr. Lubelle’s activities. Rudee reported back that Dr. Lubelle and her team have become intrigued with the Pit of Lost Souls that suddenly appeared last weekend near the Circuit City on Marsh Lane.

The University of What It Is researchers must have heard my story yesterday on this very topic. So, the Pit of Lost Souls is an interdimensional portal between our world and the Land of the Dead. When you lean over this enormous hole, you can feel a cool wind envelop you. What you are feeling are the spirits of the deceased!

The City Council tried to have the Highway Department fill in the Pit of Lost Souls, because Marsh Lane is a busy shopping district. But through journalistic activism, I pressured them to leave the Pit open, so that the dead can return to the Living World. They can’t come back to life, of course, that’s ridiculous. But they can at least see how we’re all doing up here. Just livin’. Just vibin’, you know? It’s important for spirits to know that us, the living? We’re all doing great.

But, just this morning, Rudee told me that Dr. Lubelle and her fellow scientists completed their report on The Pit of Lost Souls.

“It’s a standard sinkhole,” Dr. Lubelle said. “You should fill it in.”

And Rudee – bless Rudee, such a great intern – pressed her on this. “But you can feel the spirits coming out of the hole!” Rudee exclaimed.

Dr. Lubelle was caught! Caught in the web of her own lies! She had no choice but to keep on lying. So she retorted with the silliest fib I’ve ever heard. Dr. Lubelle said, “It feels like the sinkhole is producing the air on its own, but it’s just regular air that settled into the cooler earth 25 feet down. And sometimes a gust of wind can push that cooler air right back up toward us.”

Listener, I’m all for freedom in academic thought, but this? This is not good, Night Vale. If you see Dr. Lubelle, run the other way. Plug your ears and sing the Night Vale Anthem of Loyalty so loudly that you cannot hear her untruths.

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And now an update on the murals. I’m getting word that many Night Vale citizens are quite upset by the murals going up around town. A group has formed called the Committee of Concerned Citizens. This CCC has laid out their grievances.

First, they claim the murals are too evocative and confrontational. They cited the mural on Galloway and Somerset that depicts a man unraveling his own intestines and wrapping them over his head, like a soft meat crown, only disgusting looking. The man is smiling, and he has no eyes. Or… he has no eyes, currently. It’s apparent that at one point the man in the painting did indeed have eyes. The CCC is displeased with the artistic messages of these murals.

Second, the CCC is also upset that the City Council approved the murals’ placement on private structures without permission from the homeowners. One resident, Bradley Pierce, said “They painted all over my house, even though George told them not to. Didn’t you George?” At this point, a small dog, mostly hairless except a long, glamorous tuft sprouting from the top of its head like an 80s synth-pop star, nodded in agreement.

The CCC stated that Public Art must always be pleasant and happy. Public Art must be full of vibrant colors and feature nice things. The CCC issued a list of the only elements they would accept in future murals. This list includes and is limited to: flowers, cute animals, majestic animals, happy children, pleasant adults, smiles, abundant crops, tools demonstrating a thriving industry, and clouds, but like white puffy ones, not stormy ones.

Bradley Pierce and his dog George both let out a wild growl, and everyone in the crowd growled with them. They then grabbed paint rollers on long poles and pails of primer. They have scattered about town painting over every single mural while chanting MAKE BETTER ART. MAKE BETTER ART. All of them except George, who seems to just be barking.

I can see them outside my window right now, painting over the mural of the man at the desk. And honestly, I’m kind of glad about that. The longer I looked at that image, the more I began to think he might turn around and look right back at me.

No thank you.

More on this soon. But let me take you now, to the weather.

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WEATHER: M. Masaki "Departure" xessus73.bandcamp.com

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Moments ago, from the metal grating atop the storm drain next to the Panda Express, the City Council met with the aggrieved Concerned Citizens Committee, and a truce has been reached.

The CCC has allowed the murals to be repainted. But they demanded that all murals must hold to their rules about what can and should be depicted in public art. And Bansky, famous for his agreeability and willingness to conform with the wills of society, repainted them all.

He even completed the new mural across the street from my radio station. I’m looking at it right now. And sure enough, it holds fast to the CCC’s regulations for positive public art.

This mural is a picture of large sunflowers. Behind the flowers is a thick, flourishing cornfield signifying Night Vale’s abundant farmland.

Between the rows of corn stand some smiling children. They are each holding large farm tools like pitchforks, scythes, and circle saws, which symbolize Night Vale’s thriving industry.

Climbing the children’s bodies are a bunch of cute animals like raccoons and nutria and tarantulas. And above them all is a majestic winged serpent, squeezing its mass tightly about a group of pleasant adults, of course alluding to the content citizenship of Night Vale. The snake is lifting them upward into their new home in the smiling cloud, painted some of the colors of the rainbow. This action symbolizes our city being delivered into the future by a huge snake god.

All of the CCC members are staring silently at the completed mural. They are quiet, I’m sure, out of awe and reverence for this new joyous portrayal of our town. Visitors to Night Vale will certainly love to take their pictures in front of this fantastic tourist attraction that sits right in the heart of the edge of the town’s factory district near the highway overpass.

Oh, the CCC members have now all dropped to their knees and are rapidly whispering to themselves with their eyes closed. I love it when our community comes together. Especially when it does so because of art.

Stay tuned next for the clicking of camera shudders and the percussive flashes of magnesium bulbs.

And as always. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: For the last time… A hot dog is a taco. Rice Krispies are congee. Mashed potatoes are a bisque. A lemon is a water balloon. And bourbon is corn kombucha.