It turns out the economy was just the friends we made along the way. Welcome to Night Vale

Well, there’s something weird happening near the old car lot, at the house that once belonged to Old Woman Josie. A real kerfuffle. Some kind of ruckus. There are tents and spotlights and groups of people gathered together and murmuring. You know, a real hullabaloo.

We are still trying to ascertain the nature of this rumpus, and why it is happening. Larry Leroy, who lives nearby, reported seeing trucks with a logo he did not recognize. “And,” he told our reporter, “I know most logos. Go on, quiz me on logos. No, go on. Try to find a logo I don’t know.” Our reporter finally gave in and showed him the Taco Bell logo. At which point Larry Leroy grew furious and shouted “no a real logo that people would recognize, not something you made up,” before stomping off. Thank you Larry for your observations.

We will continue to monitor this situation, whatever it is, throughout the day, and will bring you information as soon as we have it.

Sound note below: Cecil says the word “redacted”. Jon you can play around with putting a filter on that word, maybe one that gets stronger as it goes, but you don’t have to. See how it feels.

And now for today’s headlines.

The Museum of Forbidden Technologies is holding a symposium on [redacted] where they will be considering the ethics of using [redacted] in American towns and cities, in order to provide a steady supply of [redacted] to [redacted]. The use of [redacted] has been heatedly debated in certain circles in recent years, due to the extreme side effects, such as [redacted], [redacted], and hair loss in cats. Furthermore, there is the question of whether it is even legal or moral to use [redacted] on humans, due to the potential for [redacted], which of course none of us want.

Debating these topics will be best-selling author, actor, and motivational speaker, Lee Marvin. Facing him will be spokesman for the Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency and motivational speaker, a [redacted] named [redacted]. Tickets are not for sale for this fun and family friendly event, which will be held at [redacted]. All proceeds will support the Night Vale Animal Shelter.

In other news, the Night Vale Firehouse is holding a pancake breakfast fundraiser. Their fundraising goals include needed repairs to their radio system, new hoses, and a solid gold firetruck.

Fire chief Lisa Gonzalez explained that the troop hopes all of Night Vale will come out for this great cause. Chief Gonzalez explained: “We are working constantly to improve the safety of this town against the ever present threat of fire, and also to get a firetruck that is 100% pure gold.” She then went on to say: “the firetruck won’t function. It can’t, because every part of it will be made of gold, which is a soft material unsuitable for the running of an engine. But howzy wowzy, can you just imagine it? Sitting there in our garage? Shining to make the sun jealous?” The fire chief then did a wolf howl and ran off into the nearby brush.

In order to hit its goals, the fire house needs to sell around 586,000 pancakes, so they ask that you please arrive hungry.

Well, we have new information on that whole deal out where Old Woman Josie’s house used to be. It seems that it is the new satellite campus for the University of What It Is. Say, that name is familiar, although I’m not sure where I’ve heard it before. I have nothing against this particular university of course, more of a general distrust of learning, and a suspicion that education is how they control us. So when contacted by the new dean of this campus, Dr. Janet Lubelle, I merely muttered a friendly “what it is you seek here, interloper?”.

Dr. Lubelle said that she looks forward to a strong partnership with the community of Night Vale, and she had a statement she wanted to pass on to all of you. Reluctantly, I will do so.

DR JANET: Hi everyone! Dr. Janet Lubelle here. New interim dean of the University of What It Is, East Night Vale campus. I’m sure you all have a lot of questions. Most everything in the world is questionable. Well, the good news is that we’re here to find answers. Answers to everything. Our job, as scientists, is to explain why everything is the way it is. There will be nothing left in Night Vale that does not have an exhaustive, perhaps even tedious, explanation. I look forward to it. As the saying goes, “Sunlight is the second best disinfectant, but you can’t get a tan with bleach!”

CECIL: Hm. I find this concerning. What is Night Vale without its mysteries and secrets? Just a place? Where people live and work and eat? Just an arbitrary location with people in it sometimes? Ugh, no. Night Vale is more than that. It must be more than that.

I am going to ask our town’s preeminent scientist, who, and many of you may not know this, is also my husband. Hopefully Carlos can help me understand what is going on here.

And now for a classic Cecil Rant.

Like me, I’m sure you’ve seen those articles about “how I bought a house before turning 30”. Or “How I saved for retirement by not buying coffee” or whatever. And every time I see one of those, with a picture of some smug young person in a flashy suit, I just scan the article for the words “blood sacrifice” and “bargain with the Old Gods” and I roll my eyes.

Yeah, I’m sure your ability to afford a downpayment on a mortgage in this economy was because you only took vacations to Hawaii instead of to Paris, and not because you found an old stone covered in a pulsating black moss, and you put your forehead to that stone and saw a great city of sleeping giants, a city that does not exist in our universe, and you carved a letter in an alphabet you do not understand into your forearm, and let your hot living blood trickle down onto the stone, where the moss greedily sucked it up, and you fed this human ichor to the giants whose eyes flickered open and spoke with voices that sounded like the ringing hollow at the center of the universe.

But no, it had nothing to do with that, it was definitely because you don’t go to Starbucks and instead use coffee pods at home.

People who have made pacts with old gods really need to stop acting like they have anything helpful to tell the rest of us.

Rant over.

And now for a word from our sponsors.

Picture a wealthy white couple. They are enjoying the summer, doing the kinds of things that wealthy white couples do with their tremendous power and privilege. Sharing cocktails on the veranda. Going for bike rides in pristine nature with no other person for miles. Soaking in a bathtub that is for some reason outside and on a cliff overlooking the sea. You know, normal stuff.

Now a voice begins to speak. The people cannot hear the voice. Only you can hear the voice. The voice is not for them, it is for you. Heart attacks may occur, the voice says. Sleeplessness or unending sleep are both possible. Sweatiness, palpitations, severe headaches and nerve damage, the voice intones.

The wealthy white people are now throwing a stick for their dog. The dog looks where they threw the stick, but does not chase it. The dog can also hear the voice, and the voice terrifies the dog.

Tell your doctor if you experience bone fracture, the voice says. If your skin sloughs off, or if your hair frazzles, or if your eyes turn milky and your teeth fall out. Tell your doctor if you have cancer, or an infection in your stomach, or a feeling of impending doom. Tell your doctor that you’re scared. Tell your doctor that you’re sorry. Tell your doctor anything you’d like. Your doctor cannot hear you. The dog cannot hear you. Only you can hear you.

The wealthy white people are sleeping, dreaming little wealthy white dreams, smiling gently with their arms around each other. The voice continues: People have suffered. People have died. By drowning and crushing, by suffocation and fire. People have been lost, been mutilated, been turned inside out.

And then, the advertisement ends. No specific medication or product is recommended.

This has been a word from our sponsors.

I reached out to my husband. I had forgotten this, but it turns out that my husband Carlos in fact was once a faculty member at the University of What It Is. I knew I had heard that name before. I asked him about Dr. Lubelle and he grew deeply concerned. He said…. well, just listen to his message for yourself.

CARLOS: Janet and I were grad students together. This must have been back in….why can’t I remember decades? I used to be able to remember decades. Living in a town where time doesn’t work really does a number to that part of your brain. In any case, it was in a decade, and we were both young and trying to prove ourselves. Janet was a brilliant scientist, still is. I cannot deny it. But she is also single minded. When she sees a goal, she will simply march right over any obstacle or person who stands in her way. I admired that about her, but I also feared it. Without the right ethical code, it’s a dangerous trait. It worries me that the University of What It Is has come to Night Vale. I fear this will not end well. Oh, and this is very important, Cecil. I meant to tell you this at the beginning. Please remember to pick up ground turkey on your way home.

CECIL: Ominous words and a helpful reminder from our town’s leading scientist.

And now, a look at horoscopes.

Aries – Your whole deal is very threatening, and I’m into it.

Taurus – Someone you love will betray you. Or they won’t. One of those two things, it’s unclear which.

Gemini – Today is your lucky day. So that’s one out of 364.

Cancer – A business investment is about to pay off in a huge way. Not for you. Sorry, this was unrelated. Harold Richards, CEO of the Good Food Company, is about to get a huge stock payout. On the other hand, you, Cancer, are going to accidentally throw away a 5 dollar bill. Sorry.

Leo – Do you really like mid-modern design, or are you merely nostalgic for a time when consumer goods weren’t made to be discarded after two years?

Virgo – Remember the rule of social media: no one is actually screaming as much as they are on Instagram, wailing as much as they are on facebook, nor scratching at the dirt as much as they are on twitter. The versions of ourselves we present online aren’t necessarily our true selves.

Libra – A penny saved is a penny earned. Now you just need like 10,000 more of those bad boys to afford a few days’ worth of groceries.

Scorpio – You’re a big sweetie boy. Just a big old sweetie boy. This has nothing to do with your gender presentation or identification, this transcends physical and mental reality. You are, at your heart of hearts, a big old sweetie boy and we love you.

Sagittarius – You’re gonna make pasta tonight. Listen, not every prediction is an important one.

Capricorn – You will be hit by a meteorite tonight. Some predictions are super important.

Aquarius – You know that one lady who is running a years-long scam on you, carefully harvesting you for personal information that she will someday turn against you for her own profit? Oh you don’t? Well… heads up I guess.

Pisces – Not all ideas are bad. The one you just had though? Oof. Rethink, buddy.

And if your birthday is today, then you’re a liar. No one has an August 15th birthday. Not once in the history of the world. Look it up. Then, if you find a different answer than what I’m telling you, disbelieve what you’ve found. There are no August 15th births and there never will be.

This has been horoscopes.

Ok, enough is enough. I’ve been sitting in my booth, trying to guess at what is going on with this University of What It Is. It’s time I did some old fashioned reporting. Boots on the ground, notebook in hand, seeing what can be seen, talking to sources. There’s no replacement for it. That’s why I sent station intern Rudee to see what she could find out. Hopefully she does a good job. In the meantime, I’m gonna eat my lunch. Let’s have a listen to the salad. Ooh, sorry, how embarrassing, I was looking at my lunch. Let’s salad to the weather.

[Weather: “Simple Things” by hotplug https://hotplugband.bandcamp.com/]

And we’re back. Getting to the important stuff right away, my salad was wonderful. A bed of arugula, thinly sliced radish, some roasted sweet potato, a 15 pound block of lead, and a citrus tahini dressing. Perfect.

Rudee has returned from her visit to the new University of What It Is campus where Old Woman Josie’s house used to be. She says that it is a bustle of activity, tents crowded with scientists, and more permanent structures already going up. Busy teams of construction workers say things like “hup” and “hey-o!” while tossing bricks back and forth.

She asked if she could talk to Dr. Lubelle, but no one had time to answer her. They were too busy running around, shouting things like “ah ha!” and “hmm, extraordinary”. So Rudee just wandered around until she found someone who seemed to be in charge, a woman of medium height and medium build and medium length hair of medium hue.

“Are you Dr. Lubelle?” asked Rudee, and the medium woman broke into a medium smile and said “Last time I checked,” an average joke to which she gave a moderate laugh.

Rudee asked what the plans were for the University of What It is and Dr Lubelle explained that they were after knowledge. “Knowledge at all costs!” the interim dean said. “There is no purer pursuit, no sweeter reward, than an explanation for everything. Everything in Night Vale can be explained, and it will be.”

Rudee challenged her on that point, saying “ok, well what about the moon.” Rudee is a good intern, and very quick on her feet. The moon of course is an absurd joke, impossible to explain. And Dr. Lubelle faltered, tossing off some made-up nonsense about jettisoned matter from earth consolidating over eons into a stable satellite, but Rudee could tell Dr. Lubelle was shaken.

In any case, I’m not worried about some two-bit academic poking around. After all, the world’s best scientist already has spent years researching Night Vale, and most of its mysteries are still intact. We are a town made of secrets and paradox, and rational explanation is a small sputtering flame against our deep shadows. I think it likely that Dr. Lubelle will simply get frustrated with her limitations and return to….wherever it is that the University of What It Is is located. And good luck to her, and to all scientists.

Stay tuned next for a butterfly flapping its wings, which will, through a chain of causation, result in nothing much at all. A butterfly is tiny.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.