Cecil

Call me Cecil.

Some months ago – never mind how long precisely – it came to Tamika Flynn to gather together some of her friends and make her way into the Sandwastes. Her target: the Great Librarian of the Western Sands. This librarian was said to have escaped the Night Vale Library decades ago, and in feeding on desert creatures and on the occasional unwary traveler, had grown to a size unknown to normal city-dwelling librarians.

These rumors had circulated as long as anyone could remember, and no one really believed that it was more than a campfire story to scare children, and also adults because it’s just a really scary story. The truth was that none of us wanted to believe it. But Tamika Flynn had seen Librarians. She had looked in their eyes, and into their flaring nostrils, and their poisonous mouths. And she had survived. So she believed well that a Librarian living for so long out in the great sandwastes could reach unprecedented size. And she also believed that such a Librarian posed an existential threat to the town of Night Vale. So, she proposed an expedition, a hunt, for this Great Librarian.

The party that ventured forth under her command was small but brave. There was Michelle Nguyen and her stalwart girlfriend Intern Maureen, who has asked me repeatedly to stop calling her intern since she hasn’t been an intern in years and also I never filled out the forms for class credit. But I say: once an intern, always an intern. There was some guy named Joffen Dormer, who none of us knew, and it was kind of weird, but he really wanted to come along, so he was there. And of course, there was me, Cecil Gershwin Palmer, here to observe and to record, and, if trouble comes to it, to run away. I am not great in a fight.

We gathered our supplies and met up at Larry Leroy’s house, out at the edge of town. Larry was barbecuing in his backyard and he waved at us. “Y’all want some ribs?” he hollered, but Tamika wouldn’t let us have even one rib, though they smelled great. “We have business today,” she said, as she laid out our packs. We carried with us, of course, water, food enough for 30 days, and weapons: heavy books that could be thrown at the librarian. Tamika brought her copy of Ulysses Annotated with which she has personally clobbered a hundred librarians. It is approximately the size and weight of a Vespa, but with a lot more puns that require simultaneous knowledge of Greek myth and early 20th century Irish pop culture.

Tamika looked each of us in the eyes in turn. She spoke in a steady and low voice, saying, “this is dangerous, what we set out to do, and some of us might not come back. In fact, I am certain at least one of us will not. Are you sure you wish to accompany?” Well the truth is that I was no longer super sure, because that sounded pretty intense. But then that guy Joffen was like “hell yeah, we’re all in, and none of us will ever back down.” Which was a lot and I don’t know why he was so enthusiastic, but after he said that, it felt like I couldn’t leave so I just kind of made an “nyes” sound. And Tamika was like “I’m sorry, did you just say ‘nyes’”? and I said: “yno”. And then Tamika said: “Fine whatever” and we hefted our packs and headed out into the dangers of the barren wilds.

As we went, Larry waved his grill tongs. “Y’all have fun out there,” he called. “Last chance on that rib.” But Tamika still wouldn’t let me go back, even just to grab one rib.

Tamika

In 1963, Thad Darius was taking a hike in the sandwastes outside of Night Vale. Thad enjoyed night hiking, liked to wander with just the stars and the mysterious lights in the sky as his company. He only did so on windless nights, so that when he was ready to return home, he could simply follow his footsteps back to his little cabin on the edge of town, which stood where the used car lot is now. But on this night, Thad turned and his footsteps were gone, because the sand was gone. Behind him was only a broad absence, a crevasse at the edge of which he teetered. It was only when the first rank air poured out of the librarian’s lungs that he realized he was standing on the lip of its gaping mouth. He screamed and tried to run, but he wasn’t fast enough. Thad was devoured, and never lived to tell anyone what he saw. How do I know this story? I have no idea.

They say that the Great Librarian of the Western Sands has read every book in the Night Vale library, and this knowledge only made it more hungry. They say that each of its teeth are the size of a 1987 Plymouth Voyager, but shaped more like a tooth than a van. They say its spine is the length of Route 900, that its eyes are the size of the sky, that it smells like the sharp smoke of a burning wilderness and sounds like a sinkhole collapsing. So not that different from a normal librarian, but obviously a bit bigger.

I have studied this creature extensively. Every battle is first fought on the page, and then it is fought with the page. Because my weapons are all books. Dangerous books, many of them with poisonous barbs. I will not fail in my task.

Cecil

So far we had failed in our task. Dune after empty dune, desert grass rustling in a slight breeze. Tamika led the way, single-minded and fearless. She strode in long steps that we hurried to match, up one slope, down another. Michelle gave me snacks, since it turns out I actually forgot to pack food. Oopsie! I knew there was something I was forgetting. I was like: portable radio broadcasting set-up, expedition beanie, my stylish teal waders, but was there something I should be remembering, and as it turned out, there was. It was any food at all for this multi-day expedition.

Fortunately, Michelle, along with being an expert on record collecting and avant-garde noise collectives, is also an expert at desert survival and foraging. She told me, “yeah whatever, just something I picked up in art school. No big deal. Now eat this flower. It tastes like a walnut and also will cure you of scarlet fever if you happen to have that.” Meanwhile her girlfriend Maureen used a series of kites to imitate the flights of small desert birds, in the hope of attracting the predatory Librarian. And Joffen Dormer, uh, well he was there too. I don’t know who he is really, or what his deal is, but he seemed friendly enough.

That evening I suggested perhaps we return to Night Vale, at least until the morning. There was no sign of the great beast, and anyway at home I have frozen waffles and fruit and stuff, which sounded a lot better than eating nettles and cactus roots. Tamika shook her head, not even looking in my direction, staring out into the starlit dunes. “It’s close,” she said. “I know it. It won’t escape me.” And even as she spoke, I heard something enormous shift in the night distance. I cannot say for sure what it was, but its movement shook the earth, and vibrated our jaws. Tamika nodded, satisfied. “Tomorrow, we will find it,” she said.

Tamika

First thing the next morning and I was on the hunt, eyeing the sand for tracks. A librarian track is easy to spot. It is a scorched furrow that smells sour and metallic and emits enough radiation to prickle the hairs of the arms.

As we walked, I remembered the first time I had seen a librarian. My parents had taken me to the public library when I was nine years old. It was a rite of passage. We all have to confront dangerous things eventually, and my parents believed that I should do so under their guidance. They showed me how to use a bowie knife, and then they took me to the reference section. The aisle was long and shadowed, and lined with books. I stood in awe. I had never seen so many books. Books containing every subject imaginable. I’ve still never left Night Vale. I might never leave Night Vale. But even at nine, I knew the world was waiting for me, in the pages that filled the shelves that filled that building, and I loved the library. I loved it the way I loved my parents, unquestioning and absolute.

And then I saw something else in that aisle. A monster I could hardly comprehend, let alone describe at such a young age. And I knew that there were things in this world that wanted to stop me from learning. That these librarians squatted on their piles of books, jealously guarding the world from me. And I wouldn’t let them win.

But here we were in the Sandwastes, on the hunt. I spent most of the day fruitlessly wandering, trying to find our quarry. But once again, like yesterday, nothing. Perhaps Cecil was right. Perhaps we should go back to Night Vale, even if just for the night. I said so to Cecil and he nodded. “Crying with the Stars is on tonight,” he said. “It’s the finals: Billy Crudup versus Dido. I’d hate to miss it.” Which was his gentle way of saying that it was ok that I failed, that I am failing, that I am allowing myself to be a failure.

Cecil

But before we could get back in time for the opening weep number of Crying with the Stars, Joffen Dormer stepped forward and said, “No! We shall not retreat. All of us came to this desert for a reason. And we would betray our ambitions to withdraw merely because of minor setbacks. We must make proud the best versions of ourselves and-“ which is as far as he got before the Great Librarian of the Western Sands, attracted by the noise of his voice, burst out of the ground and ate him in one gulp. To the family and friends of Joffen Dormer: uh, don’t know a lot about him but he seemed fine I guess. Just like a normal guy, until he was eaten. Sorry about your guy.

But even after eating Joffen, the librarian was not sated, and it turned upon the rest of us, bellowing. The sound shook the very air around us. The last thing I saw as the librarian reached for me, was the sky and the clouds and the weather.

[weather: “Hell is Other People” by BANGZZ https://bangzz.bandcamp.com/]

Tamika

The librarian roared and screeched and squawked. It engulfed us with its body. With its tail it seized Michelle, and with one claw it seized Maureen, and with its other claw it seized Cecil. And it held them above me, each of my friends squirming, trying futilely to escape. I could try to save them, perhaps, but this was my one chance to strike a fatal blow against the librarian. I was compelled to do so, even if it meant the end of all my friends who had joined me on this ill-fated hunt.

I held aloft my copy of Ulysses, and I screamed, “From hell’s heart I stab at thee,” which is a reference to a famous literary work if you didn’t know. It’s a quote from Push: The Novelization of the movie Precious: Based on Push by Sapphire.

Below me rippled acres of strange flesh; scales and feathers and pinkish patches like raw meat. And in the center of it, a watery blue eye, as wide across as the entire public library of Night Vale. I stared down into that eye, and the eye stared back. And in that eye, I saw a deep insatiable hunger. A hunger for knowledge. A hunger for discovery. A hunger for as much of this world as this world was able to give. And I knew that there was little difference between me and this librarian. Sure, I don’t eat people, but hadn’t I come to this desert to hunt and to kill? Didn’t I contain the same bottomless hunger? What gave me the right to say that the Librarian did not have the same right to live? Am I arbitrator of life and death, or am I still just that young girl, staring down the library aisle, and realizing that everything I would ever need to know was contained in those walls.

In the great eye of the great beast I saw a mutual recognition. Perhaps I did not need to fear Librarians, and perhaps they did not need to fear The Librarian Hunter. Perhaps a truce was possible, even necessary. So I put down my book. “Go in peace,” I said. The librarian blinked, once, twice, the wind from the passing of its eyelids ruffling my hair. And then it laid down Cecil and Michelle and Maureen. And it departed over the dunes. I did not watch it go. I turned and started the long walk home. I would never again hunt Librarians.

Cecil

Huh, well I don’t get it. It looked like Tamika totally had a clear shot. But then she just kind of gave up for no reason. That was disappointing. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m so glad I didn’t die at the hands of a fearsome librarian. But still. We had a goal, and I hate leaving goals unfinished. Oh well, maybe we’ll try again next year.

So this has been the first news item and oh wow, how long have we been talking? I have to get through the rest of today’s broadcast and I only have about a minute to do it.

Uh, in other news Night Vale was lifted into the sky by a massive spacecraft and then put back in place with every building ordered by height, so that will be convenient for finding your way around. Just think, how tall is the place that I want to go, and head there.

And now a word from our sponsors. That word is putrefy. Thank you to our sponsors for that word.

Community calendar, bunch of stuff this week. But let’s be honest, you’re not going to any of these events are you? No, you’re going to stay home and binge watch a show you only sort of like. So, doesn’t matter.

Uh, ok, sorry, almost out of time. Children’s fun fact science corner: The earth is technically a fruit, although a poisonous one. Traffic: Roads looking clear out there. Almost completely transparent. No one can see them and there have been several crashes. And I think that’s it. That’s the broadcast.

Stay tuned next for Salt Fat Acid Heat. Not on the radio. In your home, in that order. It’s gonna be a weird five minutes.

Good night, Night Vale, good night.