"One day you will die." Not true! It will likely take several days. Welcome to Night Vale

Well, it happened again. We lost track of the dang moon. It was right there, last night, doing its thing, and then tonight, nothing. There’s just kind of a hole in the sky, between the stars, full of static. It’s upsetting to look at actually. Every time I glance up there, I feel a lurch of nausea and a taste in my mouth like hot metal. I wasn’t the moon’s biggest fan. I had been known to call it “that big dumb space rock” and advocate for us to, quote, “toss it out of our orbit unless it wants to start paying rent”. But still, even I have to admit that it had its role to play in the dark, in the night. Certainly it was better than what’s happening now.

No, I don’t like that static in the sky one bit.

We asked the Night Vale Astronomical Society, since they did renovations on the moon recently, but society president Linda Suarez swore that they had nothing to do with it. “We didn’t break the moon,” she screamed into the phone before I had a chance to say a word. “We didn’t do it, ok? You can’t prove we did.” Then she hung up. So it sounds like they had nothing to do with it.

More soon on the missing moon, as long as it remains missing. Ahh! Sorry, I looked at the staticky hole in the sky again. My nose is bleeding and there is a ringing in my ears that is, if I’m not mistaken, a perfect C#. Got to remember not to do that.

But first, the news.

Olive Garden has announced a buy one, get none special, in which you give them your money and then they take your money. Transaction done. This limited time deal will run until they can’t find any more people that will agree to it, at which point they will move to their next deal. Their next deal is “give us money or else” and they expect that one to be a smash hit.

Obviously the entire restaurant industry has been struggling. This is because they have to cook for a bunch of people, all of whom want different things to eat. “It’s exhausting,” said Trey Holmes, Olive Garden night manager. “Pasta! Bread sticks! Soup, even! And we have to cook all of it, even if we don’t feel like it.” Trey concluded, spitting on the sidewalk and looking up at the strange circle of static where once there was a moon. The moment his eyes met the static, he fell to the ground, pale and shivering, and our reporter had to step over him to get back into the Olive Garden.

The Olive Garden would also like to announce a celebrity endorsement. They say that the Woman from Italy will be there, although they don’t know when, and there is nothing we can do to prepare for her coming.

The press release ends with the following message:

[WOMAN FROM ITALY VOICE]

The Woman From Italy
Will soon be returning
Offering new shades of pain
Invisible pain, past human discerning.

The Woman from Italy
Spares only the dead
So resign yourself to torment
And unlimited salad and bread.

[normal voice]

Sounds great!

And now an editorial about Tip Etiquette.

First off: tip, and tip well. I don’t want to hear another word on this. We owe each other a great deal and we owe the people in the service industry the most.

Second, if you are listening in one of the many civilized countries that simply pay workers a living wage rather than tipping, such as Svitz, the United Kingdom, and Narnia, then you are excused from the next minute or so of my broadcast, but you are not excused from the basic principle of living generously.

So, let’s get into it.

A good tip starts at 25%. It starts there.

If you tip with one of those fake 20s that actually are just religious or inspirational pamphlets, then the server is allowed do one free murder on you, no questions asked.

You never tip trees. It should be obvious why, but in case it’s not, money is often made from trees. This would be like someone trying to pay you with a human spleen. So don’t tip trees.

It is standard to tip your dentist 10% of your remaining teeth.

You should tip birds. Have you not been tipping birds? Oh god, that’s embarrassing.

When dying, always tip the mortician 15% of your lifespan. It helps her to stay young.

This has been Tip tips.

Okay, seriously, have any of you seen the moon? I’ve been looking for that thing for what must be hours and it’s just not ANYWHERE. I checked the sky of course and there was only that circle of static which made me feel… It made me feel…. I guess I don’t have another word. It just made me FEEL. All capital letters followed by an emphatic period. I hate it more than I hated the moon, and I hated the moon a lot.

I also checked around town to see if the moon had maybe fallen down or been removed for cleaning, but it doesn’t seem to be around and no one is sure what happened to it. Linda Suarez, president of the Night Vale Astronomical Society, called me back and started shouting as soon as I picked up, before I had even said hello. “Well, it wasn’t me. I didn’t do it,” she yelled.

I tried to explain that I had never said she had, and that I didn’t even know what “it” she could have done in this context, but she just shouted, “My conscience is clear. Print that in your newspaper,” and hung up before I could explain that I run a radio show, not a newspaper.

I consulted with my husband Carlos, who is a scientist by the way. I’ve not mentioned that before, I don’t think, but it’s a very important job. Anyway, he said that he has no idea, because he has been playing Elden Ring for 22 to 23 hours a day and hasn’t really gotten outside much. I suggested we could maybe take a walk, have a little Us time, and also he could gaze up at the hole in the sky where once there was a moon and now there is only static, and he said sure that sounded fun, but he really thinks he almost has this boss, so maybe in a couple hours after he’s beaten it.

More soon, I’m sure, on this moon situation. It’ll work out. Eventually. Maybe not well. But all situations do end. Somehow.

My former intern Kareem called me today. Great guy. Good worker. Not like interns today. Interns today don’t want to work at all. They’re always like: oh every intern before me has died, I don’t want to die, I’m going to flee into the desert instead of doing the filing like I was asked to do. Well ok, CAROL. If every intern before you has died, then why is Kareem still around? Making very confusing calls to me? See, he said that he wasn’t Kareem. Or not the Kareem I knew? He said that he has spent every waking hour trying to find Night Vale, but it doesn’t appear on any map.

Then Kareem started saying that I had his family and I must return them. Which seemed rude. I only have one family, and you can’t have them. Unless Esteban is throwing one of his tantrums, in which case you are welcome to borrow him for a few minutes until he winds it up.

While I was talking to Kareem on the phone, I also saw Kareem standing on the street outside. So I hung up on him mid-rant and I went out to ask what gives. Especially since he did not appear to be on the phone with me. He told me not to worry about it. “That guy just doesn’t get it,” he said, shaking his head sadly, so I shook my head too even though I wasn’t quite sure what we were shaking our heads about. Then Kareem said he had to go, and I said oh yeah, me too, and then we nodded awkwardly for a few beats before kind of walking in opposite directions.

See, CAROL. Not only is Kareem alive, it looks like there might be two of him. He’s doing great. There’s no need to hide out in the wasteland. Your internship will find you.

And now for a word from our sponsors.

These are difficult times. We all feel sad, every day. The walls feel bleak. Were the walls always this bleak? Why does the sun, through the window, now feel cold? It’s like an imitation of the sun, done badly and without verve. Were our hands always this flappy and useless? What did food taste like, back when food tasted of anything at all? The air still circulates, but the smell is always the same stale nothing.

Jeep: Buy a Jeep, ok?

This has been a word from our sponsors.

No leads on where that dang moon went. I’ve been demanding answers from everyone around me, but no dice.

Every time I look at it, that staticky hole where the moon once was, it just looks…wrong. Fundamentally and fully. And there seem to be faint radio signals coming from the static. Not enough to decipher, but like something is trying to reach out and communicate. Something horrible, that has stolen our moon.

There is sentience behind this. I can feel it. What kind of sentience would do this to us? I can only imagine. And I’m imagining real scary stuff and then I’m getting scared. So that’s where I’m at. Hope you’re doing better than me.

More soon on the missing moon, and on me scaring myself by thinking scary thoughts.

And now it’s time for Health Minute.

People often fear sleep paralysis, but don’t worry! The name is misleading. Actually you are wide awake the entire time. There you are in the darkness. And you are awake. But you can’t move. But you are awake. It feels as though you are buried alive. Oxygen feels like a thick gel, difficult to breathe. You wonder if your lungs still work. Are your lungs working? Are they working right now? Are you sure?

In the darkness, you see the coat you hung on the door. You know it is the coat. But it is also a man. The man is hanging from the door. He is your coat. But he is also a hanging man. You try to remember if it is possible for there to be a man hanging from your door, but you have just awakened from a dream, and everything feels possible in the worst way.

The only thing you can move is one of your fingers, and only a little. You desperately wiggle that finger, trying to use it to wrench the rest of your body into the real world, where you can move and there is not a man hanging from your door. Only a few seconds have passed, but time exists merely within our own perception, and you will perceive this time as several minutes at least. Finally, your finger will awaken the rest of your nerves, and you will lurch into motion, gasping. Your coat is still your coat, but for the rest of the night, you will be unable to stop seeing it as also a man, hanging from your door.

So that’s all sleep paralysis really is. No need to worry!

This has been Health Minute.

Listeners, I don’t know how to describe what I’m seeing. But I must, for without my words how would you interpret the world. So I will look up at that hideous staticky hole in the sky. The static is opening, like venetian blinds in a cheap motel, crooked and unsteady. And something is emerging. What could it be? Some new god, not yet known to our earth? An alien craft transporting beings of astonishing structure? We may never know, because….oh, according to my producer they’re sending out a radio signal. Yes, ok, let’s put them on.

RADIO JUPITER: This is Radio Jupiter. My, how the Earth is beautiful. The clouds swirling just so. The traces of every kind of weather.

[Weather: “Us in the Woods” by Birds of Fae https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH1H79IWliY]

RADIO JUPITER: This is Radio Jupiter, calling out to all listening ears. I am back from the beyond, from wandering the endless. I saw wonderous things. Trails of vapor longer than the combined lives of every human who has ever lived. Galaxies brimming with stars, stars brimming with planets, planets brimming with the first bloomings of life. There is a finite amount of beauty we will ever see, just as there is a finite amount of anything we will ever see. Everything about us is finite. Everything within us is infinite.

I was sent into space as a warrior, to fight for a cause I did not understand, to defend a flag I didn’t quite believe in. I cast aside my weapons and became an explorer. Now I cast off my exploration and return home.

I’m sorry about your moon. It will be back. I think. I needed to tunnel through space, and the moon was a convenient place to put my portal. It should be back. Probably, it will be back.

I did not think I would be back. And yet. Life is a whole lot of “and yets”. Each of our lives is a series of temporary situations that never fully resolve themselves until, one day, all at once and simultaneously, all of them do. The problem of course is that we compare our current state, which must be temporary, to some imagined perfect state, which we imagine will be our forever. But there is no perfect state. There is only a series of current states.

But I get ahead of myself, I lose my point. This is Radio Jupiter, cleared for landing, looking forward to meeting you, or seeing you again, or whatever the case may be. I mean you no harm. Please never take me to your leader. That sounds like a lot of stress.

CECIL: Well there you have it. All this time I was so worked up about the moon, like “oh no! the moon has been replaced with a staticky void that vibrates my spine when I look at it! Whatever will we do!” And it was just a simple portal through the universe so that a lost astronaut explorer could return. I look forward to meeting this Radio Jupiter, whatever her name may be. Unless her name is just Radio Jupiter, in which case I apologize for assuming otherwise.

Problem solved I guess. I mean, the moon is still gone, and the staticky void is lingering and it’s making my teeth itch and my eyeballs retch. But I’m sure that will fade with time. I hope so. Or otherwise I’ll just never go outside at night again, which would be fine, really. Listen. Hey. Don’t worry about it. There are so many other things to worry about. So many, many worrisome things.

Stay tuned next for a voice counting down slowly from 30 to 1. What will happen when it reaches 1? I have no idea. Ooh, so thrilling.

And from- OW. Sorry. Accidentally looked at the sky again. And from me to you: Good night, Night Vale. Good night.