Appearances can be deceiving. So can sounds, smells, sensations. Basically anything could be a lie. Welcome to Night Vale

Hello from the great outdoors. Or at least from the street outside the radio station. Yes, I am back on the mobile broadcasting equipment today. I was perturbed, over the last couple weeks, to discover that my old mentor Leonard Burton has been back on the air. Sometimes even broadcasting on the same frequency as our station. This is upsetting for two reasons. One is that it’s rude to broadcast on a frequency that is already being used by a fellow broadcaster, any more than you would butt ahead of someone else in line at a store. The other reason is that I saw Leonard Burton get absolutely creamed by a truck decades ago. He died. He is dead. I know this. And so how could he be broadcasting on our airwaves again?

If he is alive, if I am mistaken, then I must find him. If he is dead, and his voice is being faked somehow, I must discover who is behind this twisted deed. In either case, there is a wrong here, and I must right it.

To make matters more complicated, we have tracked the source of Leonard’s broadcast. And by we, I mean some friends who would like to remain anonymous who work for a Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency. Thanks Alex and Jenny!

And the source of the broadcast is…Labyrinth, that tech company that Steve has been working for. What is going on here? I must go to Labyrinth and discover for myself. But I also must do a radio show. Thus the mobile broadcasting equipment. You’re all coming with me.

But as we walk, let’s do the headlines.

In the news today, there is a small, tiny, totally not worrying infrastructure crisis. It’s no big deal. No one is going to starve. For like a few months. So please be chill about this.

It’s just that it turns out Night Vale is really hard to find? And to leave? And to enter? In general, its relationship with the rest of the world is ill-defined and tenuous. Mostly, people wander here when called by forces none of us understand, for purposes revealed in the form of visions and prophecies. Normal American stuff, right?

Well, it turns out that’s not great for the shipping of fresh produce and other perishable food stuffs. Food suppliers and distributors say that trucks full of cabbages, frozen chicken, pennies, and other valuable consumables have gone missing or have arrived in the wrong destinations, sometimes with the driver transformed into a baby or a very old person.

As a result, food shipments have become scarce. Now you shouldn’t panic. Of course we won’t run out of food. The reason I say this, is because that would be very scary if it happened, and isn’t the kind of thing that feels like it could ever happen in a normal town like this, and that means it can’t happen and never will. Simple.

In other news, the town founder has continued her rampage through Night Vale. Ever since, and I hate to bore you with a tedious recitation of a story you’ve heard a thousand times before, but ever since the town founder hatched out of her own statue, she has been eating citizens. Polling has been bad on this subject, with 80% of Democrats and 5% of Republicans saying town founders should not get to eat people alive in front of their screaming families.

More on this story, as long as I am not the one who is devoured next. Always possible I guess.

This has been today’s headlines.

I am now outside of Labyrinth headquarters. It’s a slick tech campus with everything you’d expect. A juice bar. A hammock forest. A charging station for cryptids. But it’s in a weird part of town. The industrial district, on Sandpiper road. Near the warehouse flats and the parking lot full of 1996 Toyota Corollas. Other than the Labyrinth campus, there is not much on this stretch of road. Just a pre-owned bathroom tile business and an old woman selling frozen enchiladas out of a cooler.

Let me go inside. Ok there is a very hip little foyer. A reception desk with no one at it. A living wall, made entirely of cactus. So cute, and ouch! So spiney. There is a neon sign that says “Rise and grind!” and another one that says “Positivity is key!” and another that says “Speak not of what you have seen, o Pilgrims of this sacred order.” Basic corporate cliches, but you know, the effect is still nice.

Hello? There isn’t anyone here.

I actually don’t see any easy way to continue further into the building. This foyer has no doors except the one to the outside I just came through.

How is one supposed to visit this place? Steve? Are you here buddy?

There’s an excellent barista set up, although no barista is currently operating. I suppose I could make myself a cup of coffee, but I prefer to use my own hammer for that. I’m kind of particular about coffee hammers.

Wait, hold on. In the living wall of cactuses, there is a small round hole. Hardly seems big enough for a person, but I think I see light on the other side. Could that be the entrance? Surely not, and yet.

Let me just.

(maybe a twanging sound, like the part of the mandolin string past the bridge)

Ow! Ouch! Owie! These cactuses are definitely real, and their spines have not been trimmed or blunted in any way. Ahhh!

And I’m through. I’m now in a large office room full of cubicles, so I guess that was the entrance. Très avant garde.

Oh, I should do some radio stuff, right.

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This has been a word from our sponsors

This cubicle farm is empty. It’s almost as if it was full moments ago, but emptied out right as I was coming in. There are coffees still warm on some of the desks. A chair is spinning lazily, from the momentum of unseen escape. A clunky black office phone sits off the hook, a small tinny voice saying “Hello? Hello?” from its receiver.

Where did the workers go? Were they fleeing me? Or is there some danger here that I am unknowingly putting myself in?

I press on.

There is a whiteboard. Looks like they were in the middle of a meeting and taking notes. Some of the notes: What if we all jumped at the same time? Could that be enough?

Another note: Larry suggests sewing needles.

Another note: Juggling supplies? question mark.

And then what looks like a paragraph of text scrawled frantically at the bottom of the whiteboard and just as frantically wiped off with the sweaty palm of a hand.

In the back there are a few offices of what are probably the head honchos. Desks made of actual wood. Windows with a panoramic view of the parking lot. Pictures on the wall that are either family members or photogenic strangers.

And here the office ends. Once again, there does not appear to be any way forward.

Except. I’m noticing a light shining from the wastepaper basket in this office. Looking down, yes, I see a tile floor down there. Again, it’s an opening barely enough for a person but I will, ugh. Ah. Good thing the mobile broadcasting equipment is so small

Whoa! I’ve fallen through to the next level. More on that soon, but first:

An important message from the Dental Underground:

Hello, it’s us again. Don’t worry. You’re safe. We would never hurt you in ways you would know about.

We are here for your kids.

Sorry, we misspoke. We are here about your kids.

We want to talk about them, your kids. We want you to know that we would never snatch them away. We would never creep into your house in the narrow hours of the night and replace your children with doubles who are in every way your child except they are missing a soul. We would never do that to you. We’ve done it to others, obviously, but we are not currently planning to do it to you, is the point.

Instead we want to talk about your kids’ teeth. We are, after all, merely dentists. Merely dentists who live underground. There is nothing weird going on here.

Did you know that your child’s teeth might rot? Might rot clean away? Why, with the way things are today, it might happen quicker than you think. A healthy child and then, bam, rotting teeth. Imagine it. Picture it. Imagine it graphically.

That’s why, for your child’s safety, it is best to remove their teeth. Just take their teeth away and keep the teeth somewhere safe, where they can never get food or sugar on them, all of that yucky stuff, and they can never rot. Where they can stay pristine forever.

If that sounds difficult to do, don’t worry. We’ve already done it. We crept into your house in the narrow hours of the night and we took all of their teeth. So don’t worry. The teeth are safe. And we only promised we wouldn’t take your entire child. We keep our promises to the letter, and only to the letter.

This has been important dental information from the Dental Underground.

We love you.

Having fallen through the wastepaper basket, I am now in, I guess, the bathroom. It’s a long tile hallway lined on both sides by an endless row of identical stalls. All of the stalls are ajar, and empty. They are perfectly clean, so compliments to the janitorial staff, uh, wherever they are. There’s no one here. Which is good, I guess. I would feel weird recording while someone was in here.

Both directions look the same, so I'm going to pick one and start walking.

Hello?

Nothing.

Wait, was that a flush? Hello? Sorry to bother you?

No. Maybe a trick of my ears.

Wait, no there it is again. It’s a voice. It’s the voice of Leonard Burton. Hold on Leonard, I’m coming!

(some running noises, then they stop)

I’ve reached the end of the bathroom. It ends at a wall of mirrors and sinks. Unlike the toilets, the sinks and mirrors are filthy. The soap dispensers are empty. There is graffiti scratched into the glass. Things like “For a good time, try ballroom dancing.” And “To live is to suffer, baby” and “Employees must wash hands after using the bathroom”.

Once again, a dead end. But I still hear Leonard’s voice, echoing somewhere. Let’s see. Can’t go down the drains and I’m not crawling into a toilet. So…

Let me check the stalls. All identical, all iden- ok, well this one is different. It’s empty of any features of a bathroom stall. There is a square hole in the floor, with a ladder leading down. Well, don’t have to ask me twice, here I go into the hole in the bathroom floor. I’ll have to strap the broadcasting equipment to my back, so what a great time to check in on the weather.

[WEATHER]

I find myself in a warehouse. We must now be deep underground. I was climbing on that ladder for what felt like, oh I don’t, two minutes and thirty one seconds plus thirty to sixty seconds for ads.

This warehouse is lit by dim lights hanging high above from a ceiling that I cannot see. There is still no sign of anyone else here. But there are hundreds, if not thousands, of wooden crates.

The air is heavy and stale. I feel like I might be the first person to enter this dusty sanctum.

The crates go on forever. There is no indication what is inside them. But from somewhere in this warehouse, I hear the voice of my mentor, broadcasting on, as though he did not die in front of me, blood on asphalt, a soul dissipating.

So I keep moving forward, deeper and deeper. This brings me no nearer to the voice. I reach out, brush my hand against the wood of one of the crates. And then, I open it.

Inside there is a woman. She is dressed in a workshirt and jeans. She gets up, says “hey thanks” and walks off into the darkness of the warehouse.

Ok, let me try another one. This one has a small toy train. There is a post-it note on the train, that says, let me see “highly cursed, do not play with, if the words ‘choo-choo’ are said near it, the consequences could be dire for us all.” Oh huh, the inside of the locomotive is lighting up and steam is pouring out of its tiny stack. I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have read that note out loud. I’m just going to close the crate again. There we go. All good now, I’m sure.

[Leonard recording from a previous episode, very muffled and quiet but gradually getting louder under the following]

Leonard’s voice is even louder over here. Another crate. Ok, this crate opens into…what looks like a hotel hallway. I am stepping down into it, and even as I do, gravity shifts sickeningly, and now I am standing upright in the hallway. Leonard’s voice is coming from somewhere in here. I am walking down the hall. Every door is boarded shut, except one. Room 2A. I push and the door swings open.

LEONARD: Oh hi.

CECIL: Leonard, is that you?

LEONARD: I think so. Self becomes such a confusing subject past a certain point, doesn’t it?

CECIL: I saw you die.

LEONARD: I expect you did. Do you know where we are by chance?

CECIL: We’re at the headquarters of Labyrinth.

LEONARD: That makes a lot of sense, actually. Did you know that one time I tried to do an investigative report on Labyrinth and they ran me over with a truck?

CECIL: Yes. I was there.

LEONARD: Of course, you said. I think they’ve trapped me here to send secret messages to their agents in the field. At first I was content to be in front of a microphone, but…how long have I been broadcasting?

CECIL: About two weeks.

LEONARD: Ah, see, from my point of view it has been, if I check my watch here, about two thousand years. An upsetting amount of time for anyone, I’d think. Well, thank you for opening the door. I suppose I should be getting along then.

CECIL: Where will you go?

LEONARD: Right? Who even knows. Well, hopefully I see you again under better circumstances. Or at least different ones.

CECIL: Bye Leonard.

And with that, he ambles out of the hotel room, and down the hallway, before disappearing around a corner.

Well, I do feel good having rescued my old friend and mentor. I am not feeling great about the fact that Labyrinth captured his soul somehow, maybe? And what does all of this mean for Steve working here?

All in all, kind of a mixed day.

Time to return the equipment to the station. Oh no, the exit from the crate disappeared, so I’ll first have to find my way out of this vast, otherworldly hotel. I hate when this happens.

Stay tuned next for the new hit single from Chapell Roan, “I Don’t Have Eyes And You Shouldn’t Either”.

Good night, Night Vale Good – oh great, all of the doors disappeared. Aaand there go lights. This is going to take a while. Good night!