Stomp and smell the flowers. Welcome to Night Vale.

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Today’s the big day, Night Vale. It’s the grand opening of our town’s first theme park: Hysteria Land Theme Park and Succulent Gardens and Resort-Style Property. The developers of Hysteria Land want you to know that this is a theme park not an amusement park. While they are similar places, a theme park is different because it has a central theme.

For instance, the central theme of Universal Studios is filmmaking. Every ride and attraction has to do with movies like Minions, or Jurassic Park, or Oppenheimer. Disneyland is themed around Disney characters: Mickey Mouse, Jarjar Binks, Little Oppenheimer, etc. While an amusement park is just rickety rides operated by surly sixteen year olds.

Hysteria Land, like Universal and Magic Kingdom is not an amusement park. It’s a theme park. And that theme… is amusement. Don’t get it confused, though, Hysteria Land doesn’t promote amusement; it extricates us from the irrational escapism of amusement. “Sadly, existence is totalitarian. You cannot subvert your own historical architecture through amusement. Amusement is a homeopathic balm, a placebo of pleasure. Amusement will not save you, only distract you from veracious, fact-based survival.” That's Hysteria Land's slogan, and they have it on signs at the entrance and next to every ride.

For instance, a log flume ride at an amusement park is, predictably, a gentle, water-based coaster that ends with a splashdown. But at Hysteria Land, the Log Flume Ride is about our relationship to our mothers, about the symmetry of birth and death. We return to the womb. Metaphorically speaking. Hysteria Land cautions you to not literally return to the womb upon death. The Log Flume is both yonic and phallic. And ultimately, it is a psychoanalytic baptism. Your photo will be taken on the final drop, and you will be forced to see yourself for the You you truly are.

Hysteria Land also features a Parachute Plunge, which is actually an exploration of our physical insecurities; a Tilt-a-Whirl which confronts our fears of sexual intimacy; and of course there’s a petting zoo, featuring some animals which have died or are close to death, displaying visible signs of disease and infirmity. Some of the animals have been partially eaten by other animals in the petting zoo, because there are no cages or restraints. The petting zoo is for all ages, and is the one place where pure amusement is encouraged, and no attempts will be made to remind petting zoo patrons of the horrors of living.

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More on Hysteria Land soon, but first it’s time once again for the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

You remember a couple weeks ago when I told you about that stream? The one in the far north reaches of Russia, in the place that has been home to waves of human civilization over thousands of years, some willing, some not, testing the limits of what human experience can encompass yadda yadda yadda? And how in that stream was a kind of fish… it was not a pretty fish, right? But, you know, only because we tend to judge other creatures by their aesthetic or practical value to us, etc etc, and by that same rubric, the fish was neither nutritious nor tasty?

You remember this?

I also brought up how the fish was alive, and it lived in the stream, and the stream was its world, in the way that our world is the world… a limitation we do not perceive, right?

And then how during the middle of the last century, great mining facilities were built in the far north reaches of Russia? Remember? And laborers were sent there, a new captive population, digging up nickel, and breathing in nickel, and coughing up nickel, a pretty little sparkle on the exhale, killing them? Surely you remember me telling you all this.

I went on about how from the mining facilities came a black poisonous sludge that overtook the stream. And then, the fish died. They had never been discovered by any humans, and so no humans noticed their absence. But they were absent none-the-less?

Remember that whole thing? It was part of our Children’s Sad Fact Science Corner. Well, you may be wondering why I’m bringing up a Sad Fact in our Fun Fact segment. It’s because I have an update to this story that makes it fun now, instead of sad.

It turns out people finally noticed the dead fish and the polluted stream, and they bought the land. They’re going to build new homes there, now! So the land is finally going to good use, thanks to science.

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

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People are flooding into the newly-opened Hysteria Land Theme Park and Succulent Gardens and Resort-Style Property. They’re loving all of the rides, like the Capricious Ship, which swings back and forth like our own ungrounded ethics; the Ennui Wheel that just spins and spins and goes nowhere really; and of course the Angst Press, the cylindrical room that spins so fast you stick to the wall, which is caused by centrifugal force, but also symbolizes how pain and sorrow manifest in you as anger, preventing you from moving on from childhood trauma.

But the attraction everyone is truly excited about is The Disassociator! It’s the world’s fastest roller coaster, reaching speeds of over 350 miles per hour as it descends its initial drop of 3,000 feet, which also makes it the world’s tallest roller coaster.

The Disassociator was designed by Night Vale resident Journey Brown-Saintel (pronounced Sane-tell). Journey is not a roller coaster designer by trade, but she did win a Hysteria Land fan competition to design their signature ride. She drew The Disassociator on the back of a Denny’s placemat while hanging out with her study group at 2am one Friday night. They were all supposed to be cramming for their 19th Century Serbian Poetry midterm, but they were procrastinating over coffee and fish tacos. So while trying to avoid doing work, Journey came up with this idea.

Journey didn’t intend for the roller coaster to be 3,000 feet tall. She actually meant for it to be only 250 feet tall, but she wrote all her specs in inches, and the engineers got confused. Still, The Disassociator is a marvel of construction, and thrill-seekers from across the globe are rushing to Night Vale to be the first people to ride this impossibly frightening contraption.

Hysteria Land is, of course, proud of their massive centerpiece, but they remind all riders that The Disassociator is not an escapist tool of mirth and exhilaration, but an exercise in existential severance. Journey Brown-Saintel, though, told journalists she thinks “This ride looks scary A.F.”

Speaking of which, the inaugural journey of the roller coaster is beginning right now. A line hundreds-deep watches on as the first cars full of speed-lovers ascend up the hill into the skies.

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More on that soon, but let’s go now to our popular advice segment: “Hey There Cecil.”

Our first question: “Hey there, Cecil. I’m a middle-aged dad who’s having a tough time connecting with his teenage daughter. We’ve always had a positive relationship, but lately she’s aloof and doesn’t want to share her life with me. What’s your advice on staying close with adolescent children? Signed Jim R.”

Well, Jim R., When my niece, Janice, turned 13, she definitely became a little less interested in hanging around us grown-ups, but as an adult now, she’s just as social and delightful as ever. So I’d say patience is the best advice. But don’t forget: even if your daughter doesn’t want to share everything, it’s important to ask questions, to keep trying. What kind of music does she like? Is she happy at school? Is she a changeling? Has a Faceless Old Woman been building effigies of her enemies? If not, who made all those effigies? Is that human hair?

Stuff like that. Give it a go, Jim R.

Next question: “Hey there, Cecil. I just got back into the dating scene. An ironic, tragic twist of fate and an obliterated alternate universe kind of dampened my romantic inclinations for a few years. But now I’m seeing someone again, and she’s really wonderful. Isn’t that great? Signed, Nazr A.”

Yes, Nazr A. That’s great.

Next Question: “Hey there, Cecil. I just got a new job this year, and my coworkers almost never speak to me. I don’t even know any of their names. In fact, I’m not entirely sure what it is we do all day. I know we drive around in trucks and pick up crates and take them to the desert. I know we sometimes bury the crates. But we’re not allowed to ask questions. And that’s fine, except I’d like to get to know my co-workers better. Can you suggest any non-verbal ways of making friends in a corporate environment? Signed, Steve C.”

This is an easy one, Steve C. Podcasts are perfect for long roadtrips when you want human companionship without having to deal with the messiness of actual conversation. I’d recommend If Books Could Kill, which is a deep dive into the age-old question “should we ban books,” or The Dollop, which is a chat show about pudding.

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I’m getting word that there seems to be a problem with the new roller coaster. Witnesses at Hysteria Land said they heard the clack clack clack of the coaster climbing the hill, but when it stopped, they expected to see the cars rushing down the slope. But nothing. The crest is so high, they can’t quite see what happened.

Some people think the cars jumped the track and then ascended into heaven. Other people said heaven isn’t real. While other people said heaven is definitely real, but it’s not in the sky; it’s in our minds. While still other people said that the Mesopotamians believed that there were several domes that covered a flat earth, and that’s the root of Christianity’s celestial conception of heaven. And others thought maybe the roller coaster just got stuck.

Though, there is a fringe theory that the roller coaster never even left, that we all imagined it, but it didn’t actually happen. Then someone used their camera’s zoom lens to confirm the “it’s just stuck” theory.

Listeners, this is terrifying. I can’t imagine being that high up on a moving roller coaster, let alone stalled 300 stories high not knowing how (or if!) you’ll ever get down.

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I’ll keep reporting as more information comes. Let’s have a look now at finance.

Pictures are down 8% to 923 words, while the bird-in-the-hand market is bullish, trading at nearly four birds in the bush. It’s a marvelous time to hold a bird with your hands, say bird-touching experts.

Due to inflation, your input (once available for the astoundingly low rate of 2 cents) and your thoughts (once available for the even lower rate of one penny) are now each going for 15 dollars. A good way to make a little money is to sell off those ideas to anyone who will listen. Jump into any conversation, really, and let them know your takes on art, health, parenting, politics. 15 bucks! It’s an opinion-haver’s market.

This has been finance.

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Chief Operating Officer of Hysteria Land, Kenny Shea said there’s no problem with the roller coaster. No one is stuck. It’s just how it was designed. “Clickety clickety stop. That’s what roller coasters do,” Kenny said through an electric bullhorn from atop his fully-extended cherry-picker to the panicked crowd of witnesses below. “I mean, isn’t thinking you’re stuck actually scarier than moving?” Kenny added. “You want fun? You can’t handle the fun,” he concluded and then started doing the viral TikTok dance to “Texas Hold ‘em.”

The City Council called on the Sheriff’s Secret Police to send rescue helicopters to the top of the new roller coaster, but the Secret Police said they couldn’t do that because they loaned all the helicopters out to some friends who were going to a wedding in Flagstaff this weekend.

Also, the Hysteria Land Grand Opening Fireworks Spectacular planned for later this evening got moved up because of a nasty storm that was forecast for our area. So the fireworks are now exploding all around the terrified riders stuck at the top of The Disassociator. And COO Kenny Shea is shouting “We called it that for a reason!” into his bullhorn. And now he’s throwing packs of candy cigarettes onto the crowd below and exclaiming, “Nostalgia is a carcinogen!”

Listeners, it’s a terrifying moment for those trapped on that ride, and it’s about to get even worse. That storm forecast for today? Well, it’s upon us right now. Let’s have a look at the weather.

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WEATHER

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Slavic poetry scholar and amateur roller coaster designer Journey Brown-Saintel heard the news about the stuck riders on The Disassociator and leapt into action. She’s never studied engineering, but she does have an ad-free YouTube account, where she spent a few hours today watching Ride-hackers and Fun-fluencers expound on roller coaster repair.

Journey’s crash course in ride maintenance brought her to an epiphany. “If they screwed up inches for feet in the design of the hill, then they might have put the wrong sized gears in place,” Journey said to her roommate Chris, who is a 15-year-old miniature poodle. Chris barked in agreement that it was time for dinner.

Journey fed Chris and raced down Route 800 to Hysteria Land, stopping only once at Lowe’s to buy a standard replacement gear for a roller coaster chain-lift. At the theme park, she found COO Kenny Shea and said “we just need to replace the gear, and then they’ll be safe.” Kenny nodded and said, “Ladder’s right over there.” He pointed through the pouring rain to a narrow metal ladder.

In a cost-cutting measure, Hysteria Land only hired mechanics through the TaskRabbit app, and no one was available that day, so Journey found herself 20 feet up the ladder. Then 100. Then 1,000. Every rung up in the pouring rain, she increased her concentration on traction and grip. She’d never been afraid of heights, but she’d never been more than 2 stories off the ground before now. And here she was, nearing 3000 feet in the air, her shoulders and calves quaking and burning.

As she reached the peak, she told the riders she was here to repair the gears and get them on their way safely. They said, in unison, “Cool cool,” but none of them looked cool. They looked like people who were not present in their own realities.

But as Journey went to remove the incorrectly-sized part, she realized she left her tool bag down by concessions. She cursed loudly, and the riders all nodded and said “Yes. Yes, of course,” in unison. She timidly asked if anyone had a screwdriver on them. No one did, but one young man with a leather jacket, greased hair, and a white v-neck undershirt drew his switchblade and said “Mamma mia!”

Journey was delighted because she had studied Italian in undergrad and knew exactly what he meant. She used his knife to remove the gear and secure the new one in place. Then with a loud click….. click..click.clickclickclickCLICK the roller coaster crested the hill and soared down the track with breathtaking speed, through the Loopty Loops, around the Bendy Dip, up and over the Twisto-Change-o, until finally coming to a rest in front of thousands of relieved theme park attendees.

The skies cleared and Journey Brown-Saintel -- proud of what she had accomplished that day. Heck, proud of everything she had ever accomplished! -- looked down at the 3000 feet of metal rungs she’d have to descend and sighed.

Then she heard a loud buzz which became a roar. Only a few feet from her was a helicopter with the logo of the Sheriff’s Secret Police (a gold star that says DEFINITELY NOT A COP across it). Inside the helicopter were a bunch of people in formal dress asking her if she knew where Flagstaff, Arizona was.

Journey said “sure do.” “Hop in and show us the way” they said. And she did. I hope Journey is enjoying an open bar and an Electric Slide tonight at that reception.

Stay tuned next for screams of either fright or delight. Or both. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: If you repeat "bloody mary" five times in the mirror, you'll be asked to leave the mirror store.