Don’t yuck anyone’s yum. Don’t yeehah anyone’s attaboy. Don’t golly gee anyone’s gee willikers. Welcome to Night Vale

Harrison Kip, archaeology professor at the Night Vale Community College, and head, uh, Arbiter of the Local Ritual Mound, is in the studio with me today. It seems today is The Feast of the Ratlings, which is a celebration held by his, uh, place of worship. I don’t really know much about his religion. He’ll be by soon but first: today’s headlines.

Local entrepreneur Ryan LeFleur has announced that his ridesharing app, De Tours, has been purchased in a private deal by an unnamed tech firm. De Tours stood out in its field by having its cars driven by ghosts, which was a unique experience and really lowered costs as ghosts can legally be paid under minimum wage due to a loophole in labor law that the Dead Local 469 has been working for years to fix. Of course, there were downsides to the business, as it had to shut down all operations recently due to several deaths from vengeful ghouls and phantoms. But now Ryan LeFleur has come out on top, with a reported billion dollar purchase, instantly making him the second richest person in town, behind the angel investor Marcus “Erika” Vanston. Ryan’s mother, Madeline LeFleur, reportedly said “oh great, now he’s gonna get a big head,” an indication of a family dynamic that I frankly don’t love. Little information has been released about the future of De Tours and the identity of the company that purchased it, but I will let you know as soon as I hear anything, as always.

In other news, a spaceship crashed out in the wastelands, spewing forth spindly creatures of impossible size and description. So if you lost a spaceship recently, please do go collect it. It’s made a real mess.

Finally, the John Peter’s Imaginary Corn Maze Experience has been shut down due to selling sno-cones to underage teens. The Sheriff issued a statement saying “We take responsible vending seriously in this town, and while John Peters, you know, the farmer? He’s a well liked citizen. But we witnessed him giving a cherry sno-cone to a child as young as 15. And we cannot let that kind of disregard for controlled substances slide.” John Peters denied serving underage customers saying “well dangit, you can’t expect me to check the id of every so and so asking for a blue raspberry freezy treat. That’s just unamerican.”

Anyone who has already bought tickets for the Corn Maze will be refunded within 8-15 years.

And now, let’s get to today’s special guest.

Welcome Harrison Kip.

HARRISON: Howdy Cecil! Wow, your radio studio looks mighty fine today.

CECIL: Well, thank you for noticing. I did my annual spring clean recently. I got a little busy so it’s not quite spring anymore, but what I figure is: close enough.

HARRISON: I couldn’t agree more. I’m currently trying to agree more and it’s just not working. Yep, this is the maximum amount I can agree. Well, I’ve got a special surprise for your listeners today.

Today is an important day in my faith. You see, one hundred years ago, a young woman strode out into the desert and listened to a voice. The voice told her a story, and she wrote down that story. A sacred text, straight from the ether. And then she died and was forgotten. Then five years ago, I found her book and we started a nice little social group around reading it, and doing charitable works, and midnight sacrifices and such. To celebrate our five year anniversary, I brought our sacred text so you can read it on the air. And here it is, The Book of Lost Things.

CECIL: We don’t usually do stuff like that. There’s rules about separation of church and radio, or something along those lines. I don’t remember the details.

HARRISON: This is a big privilege we’re granting you here, Cecil. Why, you would be the first outsider allowed to gaze upon these blessed pages. It would be the height of rudeness to refuse. And our religion has a rather strict policy on rudeness. Rather strict.

CECIL: What is your religion’s name again?

HARRISON: You should read from The Book of Lost Things. Chapter 15, verse 3 is a particular favorite of mine.

CECIL: Ok. Well, listeners, here it is.

And lo, did the shepherd gaze at the sheep and think “wait, are those sheep?” Because the sheep looked different than they had the night before, and didn’t exactly look like what the shepherd thought sheep looked like. But then, the shepherd had never really thought about what sheep looked like, had never cataloged them visually, had only accepted them as a static part of life, and the shepherd could see now that this had perhaps been a matter of overconfidence on his part, and he began to grow worried about what else he had incorrectly always assumed was a matter of common sense. While he worried over this, the things that were not sheep crept ever closer, and soon he was devoured whole.

Thus is it always to those who overthink.

HARRISON: This has been a reading from The Book of Lost Things. Amen and may you forever have items in your life that you can’t quite find. Hallelujah.

CECIL: Interesting. Well Harrison, I have the rest of the show to get to.

HARRISON: Fine with me. I’ll be right here.

CECIL: Oh. Ok.

And now for today’s horoscopes:

Aquarius: You will meet a beautiful woman. She will be the bank teller when you’re depositing your check. She’s at work, just be professional about your interaction and get on with your day, please.

Aries: I see a lot of adventures in your future. Running, jumping, fleeing, scrambling, hiding. So many different fun activities.

Cancer: You know how they say you should floss the teeth you want to keep? Well, please note that the adage does say “want to keep” and not “will keep”. Sorry.

Capricorn: The answer to your next five questions are: no, yes, shellfish, who’s asking, and Harold. Just saving you some time here.

Gemini: Listen up. Look down. Feel side to side. Taste forward. Smell backwards.

Leo: I don’t mean to be rude, but your horoscope is bumming me out and it would be great for everyone if you had a more fun and cheerful life. Have some consideration.

Pisces: There are two wolves inside of you. This is not a metaphor. You require urgent medical care.

Sagittarius: Hey, I don’t have anything for you today, but the stars do want you to tell your friend Darius that they think he’s cute and is he seeing anyone right now? No pressure.

Scorpio: You’re a good husband and a great brother-in-law, even if you’ve seemed a little stressed at work lately. They don’t appreciate you enough there.

Taurus: You’ve been trapped in this town for years now, living out events that you yourself are dreaming up. Bummer.

And finally,

Virgo: It’s a stick figure drawing of someone chewing their own leg off. That could mean anything though.

This has been the horoscopes.

HARRISON: Those were great. Good job Cecil

CECIL: Thank you, Harrison

CECIL: Next we have an important announcement from the Night Vale Medical Board. It appears there has been a concerning rise in the incidences of

HARRISON: Yeah, that sounds important. But we do have even more important stuff to get to first. No dessert until you’ve eaten your vegetables.

CECIL: In this metaphor the dessert is news of a possible medical emergency?

HARRISON: Yep.

CECIL: And the vegetables….

HARRISON: Is that most sacred of texts, The Book of Lost Things. Boy, I can’t wait to hear your beautiful voice being made even more beautiful by speaking these holy words.

CECIL: You know, there's always a concerning rise in something, anyway. So sure. Let's read your text.

The Book of Lost Things, Chapter 1, verse 8

Why now? Why any time? Why should it not be now? Why do you think you get to ask why? Why does the question “why” hold such importance for you? If you could ever know why, if that were even a question that held a singular answer, and if you were deemed worthy of knowing that answer, what would you then do with that information? Would you find some practical use in it, or is the “why” you are always mewling about merely a bit of stray curiosity, a feeling that if a fact exists then you must therefore get to know it? Is that what’s going on with you? Why don’t you just knock it off? How about that? Just knock it off for even one second.

This has been a reading from The Book of Lost Things.

HARRISON: Tough but fair, that book.

CECIL: Let’s have a look at traffic.

There is a slight back-up on Saguaro Drive as a man has gotten out of his car in the middle of the road and is approaching people, brandishing a small pebble. "Have you heard my podcast?" he is asking, as he shows them the pebble. "It's true crime," he says, indicating the pebble. "Check it out."

Moving down the road, he flagged down a passing trucker, who was just trying to take a load of refrigerators to our local Best Buy. “Please rate and review my podcast on iTunes,” the man said, waving his pebble frantically at the truck driver. “It really helps us out.” The truck driver finally managed to inch past the man, who chased after him for several blocks with the pebble calling out “my podcast once won a Webby and the Guardian called it ‘ok for background listening’” before the man’s voice was finally lost amongst distance and wind.

Stay safe out there.

This has been the traffic.

And now for a word from our sponsors.

HARRISON: Today’s show is sponsored by your local friendly ritual mound.

CECIL: No, it’s Chick-Fil-A.

HARRISON: Come on by any time of day or night and someone will be doing something interesting at your local ritual mound, I guarantee it.

CECIL: That’s not what the ad copy says. It clearly says that there is no human meat in Chick-fil-a’s sandwiches, guaranteed. Although that guarantee does not apply retroactively. Legally we do have to emphasize that.

HARRISON: Your local ritual mound is more than a place of worship. Sure, it’s that too. But it’s also a place of friendship and love and bloodsport.

CECIL: Sweet teas are now half the price and a quarter of the size..

HARRISON: Your local friendly ritual mound.

CECIL: Chick-fil-a

HARRISON: Blood for the blood god.

CECIL: Oh weird, that was the slogan for Chick-fil-a too. This has been a word from our sponsors.

Say, Harrison, while we’re here, let’s play a little get to know you game. Rapid fire question style. You ready?

HARRISON: Sure am.

CECIL: Favorite food?

HARRISON: Onions.

CECIL: Favorite band?

HARRISON: Stan Beaufort’s Carolina Jazz Band. They do weddings and such. Great swing to ‘em.

CECIL: Worst childhood trauma.

HARRISON: Oh, almost certainly having to go into the cave.

CECIL: Right? Having to go into the cave is the worst, but we all have to do it. Ok, favorite kind of weather?

HARRISON: Weather?

CECIL: Yeah, favorite kind.

HARRISON: I don’t know what that is.

CECIL: You know, the weather?

HARRISON: Not ringing a bell.

CECIL: Sounds like this?

[weather]

HARRISON: Oh, the WEATHER. I’d say The Beatles.

CECIL: Great, I feel like we all know you a lot better.

A final reading from The Book of Lost Things, the final chapter, the final verse.

A yoyo that rolled behind the bed when you were four, not found until you had graduated from college and your parents turned the room into a home gym, when it was finally thrown away.

A cat that thought it had found a new adventure, but instead found unfamiliar territory.

A tree whose bark held a cure for cancer, the final of its species cut down and burnt for pasture land in 2006.

The Honda Civic you had when you were 19, the one you had your first real kiss in, passed through a chain of other owners, now sitting dusty and undriven in a stranger’s front yard.

The exact words your grandmother said, the day she spoke to you as one adult to another with an honesty and a directness you found so frightening that you couldn’t quite absorb what she was trying to communicate to you, and she never tried again.

Miles of your fingernails.

Millions of your brain cells.

A feeling of invincibility.

A feeling of your life as the road ahead of you, rather than as a deep ocean that you are swimming in.

A feeling that this love you have is the first love, that no one has ever felt love quite like this.

Your pog collection, thank god.

These and so much more. Scattered out through the world. Until almost everything is lost to someone. Until all of us are just so many lost things.

May we never be found.

This has been a reading from the Book of Lost Things.

Wow, that was actually quite pretty.

HARRISON: That’s right. And it comes to us straight from the big mouth in the sky.

CECIL: What big mouth in the sky?

HARRISON: You know, the big human mouth taking up most of the sky? Big red lips? Big lolling tongue? Blots out the sun?

CECIL: Can’t say I’ve noticed that

HARRISON: Huh. That’s weird. You’re weird. Well, I’m going to take my book back now, but thanks for having me on.

CECIL: It has certainly been an enlightening experience.

HARRISON: Anyone who wants to learn more about my religion, you are welcome to join us for our services, every other Tuesday in my backyard. Please bring a sharable snack or beverage. No peanuts, Arnold has an allergy. And don’t worry. We never sacrifice newcomers. Almost never. You’ll be fine.

CECIL: Stay tuned next for lost things you didn’t even know were lost and that you don’t even remember ever having.

And from all I have lost to all you have lost: good night, Night Vale, good night.