All dogs go to eleven. Welcome to Night Vale.

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We’re back to normal, Night Vale. Science is legal. Dr. Janet Lubelle is gone. Well not gone. She’s still here, physically anyway, under a cow that fell from the sky. It’s been 6 weeks since that happened, and no one’s cleaned up the mess yet. But to be fair, I’d rather have a pile of flesh on the outskirts of town than street cleaners. [under breath] (Jeez, Dr. Lubelle, couldn’t you have explained those monsters away?)

[regular voice] But it’s a net positive, listeners. Science is back. And so are we. Ecstatic citizens are running through the streets solving Fermat’s Last Theorem, peer-reviewing every flower, and donning their hottest summer labcoats by the pool.

And of course, since it’s summer, we’re all eager to go on vacation, get away to exotic destinations. And no one understands that excitement more than the friendly folks in the air travel industrial complex. Which brings us to today’s big news: the Randy Newman Memorial Night Vale Airport finished construction on a new terminal featuring international flights to nearly anywhere in the world.

Belize. Senegal. Svitz. Vietnam. Ireland. [beat] Sorry. I think that’s supposed to say Iceland. I must have missed a typo there. I’ve never heard of an Ireland. Who’d want to go there? That place sounds mean.

The point is that this is our time to see the planet. Soak up the sun in Sydney. Drink a Mai Tai in Mali. Play the ponies in Poland. Franch-kiss in Franchia.

The new Terminal will feature executive lounges, a food court, daily pickleball tournaments, Tarot readers, and a 24-hour Sensory Exploitation Chamber.

So let’s enjoy ourselves, wherever our travels take us this summer.

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But first, a word from our sponsors.

How many ants are there? You’ve never really thought about that, have you? Or you’ve thought about it, but you didn’t really pursue the matter further. To you, “How many ants” is nothing more than a hypothetical to ponder with friends late into the night. Definitely more ants than humans, one of your friends said, and you all agreed like this was a good point, but you knew it to be a point so obvious as to be perfectly meaningless.

So how many ants are there? Have you googled it? Or tried counting a small sample, say your front lawn, and then multiplied it out to the relative area of the earth? Have you considered whether or not there are sea ants? Bet you didn’t think of that. Back to the calculator, Poindexter.

You’re not a lazy person. Not generally. No, you’re definitely a good person. A productive person. You can tell just by looking at yourself, can’t you? But when it comes to certain tasks, you cut corners. You put them off. Or you go beyond the limits of procrastination and don’t do it at all.

We can hear you, right now, typing out the question “How many ants” into your preferred search engine. Stop. It’s too late for that. Someone already figured it out. Twenty quadrillion. You could have helped in this project, but you didn’t. Maybe you should do something about this condition of yours that prevents you from helping people count ants.

Now, there’s Chaxlidril. Chaxlidril may cause nausea, spooning, or a nu-metal revival. Stop taking Chaxlidril if you can no longer see birds. Chaxlidril is far less afraid of you than you are of it. And those are the benefits.

You don’t want to hear the side-effects. It’s got nothing to do with ants, but I will say it’s still in the arthropod phylum.

Ask your doctor WHY. Ask your doctor what he’s doing with that hook. Ask your doctor while you can still move your lips.

Chaxlidril: You had your chance. Now hold still.

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Back to our top story. Night Vale TSA representative Martin McCaffrey has just held a press conference calling for air travelers to plan for long lines at airport security. McCaffrey asked for patience as they’re still working through some kinks at the new Terminal. Not all of the computers are networked properly. Plus, they’re a bit understaffed. And, most importantly, they all forgot the new Terminal was opening today.

“We had it on our calendars for August 8!” every single TSA staff member said. “Totally our fault. We think we just had a case of sausage fingers when we went to put it into our calendar apps. And then we all pressed the 8th instead of the 1st. So we just slept in thinking we didn’t have work today. Our bad.”

McCaffrey also reminded travelers that security checkpoints require you to remove all liquids and gels from your carry-ons; place all laptops, tablets and other electronics into separate bins; and to remove your shoes, belt, wallet, and any partially chewed meat you may have on your person before advancing through the screeners.

For frequent airline passengers, you can also make use of the TSA Pre-check program wherein a microchip is planted in your skull, and you are prevented from ever committing any kind of criminal or terroristic activity on an airplane. And thus you are a null-risk and can bring knives, guns, tarantulas, whatever, on board your flight. Because you belong now to the State. You couldn’t be bad if you tried.

Finally, McCaffrey said the new Terminal was built atop a fallout bunker for the world’s wealthiest elite. So while you’re waiting in the security line, you’ll need to keep clear of all trap doors, so that the billionaires can climb out and use the bathroom or get a Shake Shack burger.

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And now a public service announcement from the Night Vale SPCA.

It’s a hot one this summer. So remember that a parked car is no place to leave your dog alone. Too often, we tell ourselves, I’ll only be away from my vehicle for mere moments. Nothing can go wrong. Or maybe you think it’ll help to crack your window to keep your four-legged friend cool. This is dangerous thinking, Night Vale. Dangerous.

Did you know that within only 5 minutes, your car could be stolen? Criminals are getting smarter and quicker at hotwiring automobiles, and your dog is one of these criminals. Your dog, Bandit, a blue heeler/terrier mix that you rescued from our downtown shelter 2 years ago, was imprisoned for a reason. We named her Bandit for that same reason, but you just thought it was cute because she had a little black stripe across her eyes. “Oh like a bandit” you said and smiled.

But you got it all wrong. If we were being cute about the black stripe across the dog’s eyes, we would have named her Rocket Raccoon or Zorro or something adorable. We named her Bandit because she’s a car thief.

Looking back, we should have been more communicative about Bandit’s rap sheet, but we were so shocked that you would adopt such a malicious felon. Do you know she ran a chop shop at 5-points in Queens from 1988-2002. After a federal sting, and 12 years in Rikers, she got back to her crime ring. Only New York was too hot, hotter than a desert summer. So Bandit moved west, to Night Vale, where she established a whole new syndicate. Until she was caught by the SPCA in September 2020. We had her safely locked away until you showed up.

You…. who was so fixated on the idea of getting a new pooch. But hadn’t it been only 5 months since Moxie died? You’d already moved on, huh? Well, fine. We all grieve in our own ways. But who knew that grief would lead you to adopting one of the FBI’s most-wanted criminals of the 1990s? Apparently, you did.

So yeah, don’t leave that dog alone in your parked car on a hot summer day. Or on a cool autumn morning. Don’t let that dog out of your sight at all. She’s a bad dog. A very very very bad dog. [as if to a dog] No!

This has been a message from the Night Vale SPCA.

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We’re getting word that the security line at the new Night Vale airport terminal isn’t moving at all. And for those who managed to get through the lines, they’ve been waiting hours for their planes, but nothing. The terminal is packed shoulder to shoulder with anxious and frustrated passengers and not an airplane in sight.

This situation led to a statement from Night Vale Airport CEO Archie Lavery. Lavery says “Oh dang. So, wow, yeah, so I did not book any airlines into this new terminal. I didn’t know you were supposed to do that,” Lavery said.

“I kind of assumed that building an airport terminal was like buying a birdfeeder. You put one up and they just come to you. But apparently,” Lavery continued, “it’s more like a business thing where you contract out the slots to different airlines and they basically pay for usage of the facilities and staff.”

Lavery said he was totally embarrassed and more than willing to make it up to all stranded travelers. He announced that he has chartered dozens of buses to drive people to their vacation destinations.

“Las Vegas? No problem. Just a few hours away,” he said. “Seattle? Uhhh. Suuuurre. Okay. Prince Edward Island? Woof. That’s a toughie. American Samoa? I need to check my GPS on that one…”

And on and on he went trying to sort out bus availabilities (not to mention capabilities) for every single passenger.

More on this is soon.

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But since it’s now legal to do it again, let’s bring back the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner. Today’s an interactive one, kids. We’re going to make slime!

Ewwy gooey slime that you can squish between your fingers or pour on your little sister’s head while she’s quietly doing something else. Slime’s the best. And it’s super easy.

The first thing you’ll need to do is wait till your parents are out of the house. The most basic tenet of science is No Parents Allowed! Do you think Albert Einstein invented the speed of light with his mom and dad around? No, because Albert Einstein was cool, and also married his first cousin, but we’re not going to talk about that right now.

So once your parents are gone, you’ll need to grab a large bowl and any leafy vegetables you can find. Dig through the fridge. If anyone later asks what happened to the watercress, just tell them you made yourself a salad, and they’ll be very proud of you. “I’m proud of you, child,” they’ll say and you will, for the rest of your life, subconsciously seek this feedback from your parents, long after they’re gone, even, because our brains are terrible terrible places that don’t ever get over early childhood.

Now that you have the leafy greens, place them in the bowl and cover with a damp towel. Set the bowl in a warm, humid, dark place. Wait about 2 weeks and you will have a maroonish/black slime that you can throw at walls or make shapes with or put on your face to stay looking young or whatever you kids do with slime.

It doesn’t matter. Nothing does.

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

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The security line at the new airport terminal is now flowing out the front door of the building. Annoyed passengers are demanding to be taken to their beach destinations, their families’ homes, their big city cultural getaways. Yet, no planes have even arrived at the gates.

Inside the terminal, people are shouting at TSA agents. They’re toppling over kiosks of phone accessories. They’re smashing snowglobes in the gift shops. And they’re refusing to purchase a single copy of Prince Harry’s memoir. It’s utter chaos.

And that’s not even taking into account the slowly growing shadow forming across the tarmac, the runways, and the parking garages. The Glow Cloud has arrived, hoping to catch a flight back to California to finish their summer coursework at Stanford. Upset at the long line, the Glow Cloud is thundering and pulsing with every color of the spectrum. Skycaps are being blown sideways. Half of the Hertz rental car fleet was sucked into an F-4 tornado. And stranded travelers have craned their heads up and begun to chant ALL HAIL. ALL HAIL.

Airport CEO Archie Lavery has called for calm and patience, but unfortunately what’s happening right now… is the weather.

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WEATHER

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You know the secret US Air Force Base up Route 800? Not the one next to the Burger King. The one off Exit 4 next to the All-You-Can-Eat Desert Buffet (which from the design of the building you can clearly see used to be a Circuit City)? That secret Air Force Base. Where they do alien autopsies every Saturday for tourists? Anyway, they heard about the shortage of planes at the new airport terminal, and they helped out.

An unnamed representative from the secret Air Force base said: “Hey we’ve got nothing else going on this week. Happy to send over a few F-18s for people to fly around in.”

So now the gates of the new terminal are filled with fighter jets. Unfortunately, each plane only carries 2 people, and that number includes the pilot, but as famed aviator Amelia Earhart once said “If you know more than one other person, that’s too many people.” So these jets should do just fine.

The Air Force did provide a few stipulations for using their planes, though. First, they don’t have any pilots available, but they did include user manuals in each cockpit. “How hard can it be?” the Air Force representative said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Another restriction on the planes is that they need all of them back by Saturday afternoon, no exceptions.

“We have huge plans for those planes first thing Sunday morning,” the Air Force representative said. “It’s a secret, because we are a secret base after all. So I can’t tell you what we need them for. But oh man it’s gonna be rad.”

The Air Force representative then paused for a long time, a smile spreading slowly across his face. He couldn’t hold back anymore. “Okay okay fine,” he said. “I’ll give you a hint: We’re hoping to make Spain the 51st State. Sshhh. Don’t tell anyone. Oh man, I’ve said too much!”

The representative then whispered something to one of his aides, and they both snickered so hard that milk came out of their noses.

So the skies over Night Vale are now filled with satisfied travelers zipping this way and that. They’re doing barrel rolls and loop-de-loops and kick flips, and all the other cool tricks you can do with a fighter jet. It’s difficult to say if they’re doing these things intentionally or not. But hopefully they all make it on time to their resorts, their hotels, their cabins in the woods, and their family homes. It’s the final few weeks of summer, and I think we all deserve a little break.

Stay tuned next for the shattering of the sound barrier, and probably your windows, too.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: Make him an offer he can’t refuse. Like a really good offer. He’s a nice guy.