It’s okay to judge a book by its cover, especially if that cover is made from questionable leather. Welcome to Night Vale.

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CECIL: I thought it might be fun to bring our listening community closer together by hosting a regular Book Club, wherein we all read the same book and then have a discussion here on the air about it. It’s kind of like in 3rd grade when we all had to read the 784-page tome The Metaphysics of Unity and Collective Consciousness by 18th century philosopher Jurgen von Schlitzenhaus and then discuss it in front of the class while a deep voice from the loudspeaker gave commentary along the way.

Remember how much closer we all got in elementary school because of that helpful feedback? Remember when the loudspeaker would shout things like “WRONG!” and “ETHICAL CRIME!” at us, and we would start crying? And none of our classmates would speak up for us because of fear of retribution, specifically a one-week exile to the ARENA OF RE-UNDERSTANDING?

Yes, reading truly is fundamental. So let’s start a Book Club!

For that, I’ve brought my friend and city council member, Tamika Flynn. Hi Tamika!

TAMIKA: Hi Cecil. Thanks for having me! [off-mic] Hey, don’t wander off. Just stay in the studio, okay?

CECIL: I see you’ve brought along the lost boy that you’re fostering, the one Carlos and I found in Grove Park last month.

TAMIKA: Yeah, he’s been great. But it’s also been a real learning curve for me. He’s very curious, always wandering off. He wants to see what’s in the dumpster. He wants to know where the tunnel off Route 800 goes. He wants to see what’s at the bottom of the Pit of Fun.

CECIL: [frightened] The Pit of Fun reopened?

TAMIKA: [ominous] Yep.

CECIL: That’s not good.

TAMIKA: No…. I think we’re going to have to reinstitute the lottery.

CECIL: Yeek. Well, it IS our civic duty after all. So, Tamika tell our listeners what book we’re talking about today.

TAMIKA: I thought we should start our Book Club with a classic of American Folk Literature: Les Miserables [not the correct pronunciation] by famed Chicago writer Victor Hugo.

CECIL: I’m so excited. I had never read this novel before, but I did see the musical back in the 90s. I remember there was a spinning stage, and a giant chandelier that crashed down, and a witch who sang a song about meat pies.

TAMIKA: Yes. The musical was a faithful retelling of the novel. Victor Hugo, in fact, wrote all of the music for it, but instruments hadn’t yet been invented in the 1800s. So it wasn’t fully staged until the 1980s when the TR-808 drum machine was developed and music finally became possible. Sadly, Hugo never got to see his masterpiece realized.

CECIL: Let’s get into it, shall we—

TAMIKA: Hey! Where’d he go? I’m sorry Cecil, he wandered off again. Hang on.

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CECIL: Sure thing.

While Tamika is looking for the boy, let’s get to some breaking news. The National Weather Service has issued a High Winds Warning for our area, in effect till midnight tonight. They’re expecting wind gusts of up to 60 miles per hour here in the valley. They have also issued a Sandstorm Watch, though they don’t believe it will get to that point. But they do caution, we should all be prepared to kill our doppelgangers should they arrive in a blinding cloud of dust once again.

(Yikes. Let’s hope not. I can’t deal with facing my double again. And poor Tamika would have to deal with two boys. That sounds impossible.)

The National Weather Service also announced they developed a new sport called Floaty Ball, wherein they attach themselves to weather balloons and then throw balls at each other. They’re especially excited to play the game today when the winds are super volatile.

“Weather conditions make the game,” said NWS spokesman Matt McClarin. “Think about how fun it is to watch football in the snow, or basketball during a tropical storm, or ice hockey in a flash flood.”

So everyone be careful out there.

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CECIL: Oh good. She found him.

TAMIKA: Yeah, he was trying to pet the cats in the station bathroom. But they were all hissing and swiping at him. He didn’t seem affected by it at all. He’s such an enigma. You know, when we chose Les Miserables for our Book Club, I knew I’d have to go to the library to check it out.

CECIL: [audibly shudders]

TAMIKA: Right, but you know me. I’m always ready for a showdown with those Librarians. I got my bandoleer, my machete, some Librarian spray, and my Community Radio Tote Bag full of flash grenades.

I was all set for an epic battle, and I was extra prepared, because I had to take the boy with me. But when we entered the library, nothing. I could hear the librarians slithering around stacks. I saw one skittering up a wall. This is normal stuff, of course, they get into hunting positions when people come in to find a good read. But as we snuck forward, it sounded as if the librarians were moving away from us, like they were scared.

CECIL: Well, to be fair, Tamika. You DO have a reputation.

TAMIKA: Right? I thought that too, at first. But their fear of me has always been a respectful fear. They still engage me in combat. They still try to sink their pincers into me, but they know they can’t be sloppy about it. But this… this was different.

As we walked through the stacks, not a single librarian pounced. In fact, I made eye contact with one. It was hiding just behind the Spiritual Self-Help section. It glowered at me, but then it caught sight of this little guy, and when it did, that librarian raced out of there.

CECIL: Speaking of the little guy. Where did the boy go?

TAMIKA: Again? I’m sorry, Cecil.

CECIL: No worries. I have a child myself. It’s not easy. Take your time.

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CECIL: While Tamika’s away, this would be good time to have a look at traffic. The high winds have created quite a bit of debris on the roadways. Over on Galloway, right in front of the Chipotle, there’s a pile of lumber that was blown off a flat-bed truck. On Somerset and Earl, near the Dog Park, there’s a glowing outline of a woman in Victorian robes. And at McDowell & Maple, two dogs are tugging at a sock that gusted in from a nearby county. The dogs won’t leave the road at all until they determine the rightful winner of the sock. These winds are bad, folks, so drive carefully.

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TAMIKA: Okay. I’m back. Wow that was close.

CECIL: What happened?

TAMIKA: Well I found him digging in your station’s supply closet. He had uncoiled all of the Aux cables.

CECIL: Oh those’ll be easy to put back.

TAMIKA: He also found a bunch of foam microphone covers, which he was trying to eat.

CECIL: They don’t taste as good as they look.

TAMIKA: But he also discovered a box of rusty switchblades! Why do you have a box of old switchblades in your supply closet?

CECIL: Sound effects.

TAMIKA: Of course. Well, I found the boy holding one of the knives and droning “kniiiiiiife” while grinning ear to ear. It was the first time I’d seen him smile.

CECIL: Awwww.

TAMIKA: It was very cute, but also very scary. I got it out of his hands just in time. Who knows what he would have done with it. How do you manage having a young kid, Cecil?

CECIL: There’s no one right answer to parenting. You just find your own way. Also, I have lots of anxiety and very little sleep. Those two things help a lot too.

Well, let’s finally talk about Les Miserables, though I think the correct pronunciation in the Chicago-accent is [absolutely not the correct pronunciation].

TAMIKA: Okay, the book opens on a young Jean Valjean, a South Side kid who had to steal bread loaves to pass the time.

CECIL: And this upsets the Mayor, Tony Javert, who is very rude.

TAMIKA: Oh but I love the scene where Valjean gets caught. Javert’s all like “Nippin’ a wee loaf, are ye, lad?” I love that Midwestern dialect.

CECIL: So Valjean gets arrested and spends his whole time in prison atoning for what he’s done.

TAMIKA: True. But while forgiveness of oneself and others is a central theme in this novel, we can’t forget that he also uses his time in prison to start an improv comedy group.

CECIL: Oh no!

TAMIKA: Yes. It’s part of the moral complexity. While Valjean is a good man, the book still depicts him doing terrible things, like improv comedy.

This improv troop will come into play later in the book, when the character Eponine gets introduced.

CECIL: That WAS a really sad part. She paid so much money for all those classes, and never got cast in a single comedy showcase. So she became a street urchin.

TAMIKA: Tale as old as time.

Oh no. Where’d he go. Dang it. He’s gone again! [groans in frustration.]

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CECIL: Wow. Okay, well, might as well get to our sponsored ads.

We have a new sponsor to our show: Dave’s Kites. Come on down to Dave’s Kites. It’s really windy today, and we’re making all kinds of kites. Big kites. Little kites. One-piece kites. Kites with lots of parts. All kinds of kites. Yep, we’re quickly becoming kite experts, and honestly we’re the only kite store in Night Vale, so where else are you gonna go? We don’t even know how to make kites, or exactly what they look like. We just opened this morning. Because of the wind. We’re nothing if not opportunists, and we’ve certainly never tried to make kites before. So come on over to Dave’s Kites and tell us what a kite’s supposed to look like. Custom kites! That’s it! We’ll make you a custom kite. You just carefully and slowly explain what kind of materials to use and how exactly to put it together, and we will make you a bespoke kite.

Dave’s Kites. What have we gotten ourselves into?

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TAMIKA: Well, he didn’t go far this time at least. I found him in your control booth. He seems so interested in your radio station. Maybe he’ll grow up to be a DJ just like his uncle Cecil!

CECIL: I’m not a DJ, Tamika. I am a journalist.

TAMIKA: Same thing. So we have to talk about the way this book ends. What did you make of Javert’s decision? I was honestly shocked.

CECIL: Oh of course. It’s one of the most talked about twists in literature. Somehow, Javert went back in time to stop Valjean from stealing that bread in the first place, but in the process, he unknowingly affected all future outcomes in the world. Simple butterfly effect stuff, but what’s so tragic is that when he gets back to the future—

TAMIKA: Fun trivia: Did you know that Back to the Future was the original title of this novel?

CECIL: I did not. It’s such a great title, but a little spoiler-y. Because at the end Javert finds himself in an eternal loop of returning to Valjean stealing the bread, trying constantly to have the moment occur exactly as it originally did. But every time Javert gets back to the future, he sees that the world is very different.

TAMIKA: And it’s so gut-wrenching, because originally everything turned out so happy for everyone in the book. Cosette became the first woman congressman in Illinois. Marius opened his own bowling alley in Akron. Eponine got a special Street-Urchin scholarship to U-Dub. Even Valjean finally founded that improv company, Second City.

CECIL: Oh no!

TAMIKA: Yes, while Valjean is ultimately a redeemable person, he still ends up persisting with something as absolutely unforgivable as improv comedy.

CECIL: But, by trying to prevent a single small crime, Javert’s time-meddling turned everyone into sex workers and dead soldiers during the French Revolution. And now he’s doomed to an eternity of trying to right his own wrongs. What a powerful--

TAMIKA: [a touch panicked] Where’d he go?

CECIL: I don’t know.

TAMIKA: Oh no! There he is! [ running away off mic] Get down from there! Get down!

CECIL: Listeners, the boy has gone outside, where he is climbing our radio tower. Goodness. He must be 40 feet in the air now. I see Tamika going after him. She’s climbing up, but she’s nowhere near as quick. And oh, these winds are so strong. I can’t look. Listeners, while I wait for what I hope is a daring rescue, you can listen to the Weather.

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THE WEATHER

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The boy had made it all the way to the top of our tower, almost 100 feet in the air. On a single narrow ladder, Tamika climbed after him. At the very tip, she found the boy with the whole of his body wrapped around the transmitter itself. She thought he was frightened from the height and was hanging on for dear life.

But when she reached him, she saw he was making a dull, undulating hum, like he himself were transmitting the radio waves. He hugged the transmitter tight, like a baby koala to a raccoon it thinks is its mother.

Tamika pulled him away and told him they had to get down. He resisted. He said that he loved the feeling of that transmitter, that when he touched it, he understood everything. He understood the wind, the earth, the stars and the far reaches of space. He even understood himself. He wanted to bring the transmitter home, to carry the magical object with him.

Tamika refused, but when she took his hand to begin the long, precarious journey back down the ladder, he pulled away from her. And as he did, he lost his footing and fell.

Tamika caught him by his legs. The force of this catch sent Tamika herself tumbling backward, with only the backs of her knees on a ladder rung keeping them aloft.

Upside-down and losing strength in her hands, Tamika thought, “this is it. We’re done. But I can’t let go, even if it means my own doom. I can’t let go.”

Just when she couldn’t hold him any longer, she saw it. A weather balloon zipping past. Tied to this weather balloon was National Weather Service spokesman Matt McClarin who was not even looking at the stranded Tamika and child. He was chucking balls at other guys on weather balloons and shouting “floaty ball” every time he hit one of them.

Always the quick thinker, Tamika kept one hand on the boy and with her other hand grabbed onto McClarin.

His momentum pulled Tamika and the boy right off the tower, and they dangled from the weather balloon until the weight dragged them back down safely to the ground.

As they reached the earth McClarin said: “You know that’s a foul right? I get two free Floaty Flings for that.” Tamika just hugged him and said “Sure, guy. You should do that.”

She took the boy by the hand and said, let’s go home and read a book, quietly, together. The boy nodded and asked if they could read something happier than the one about the miserable musical people. Tamika said, “Sure! What do you think about reading The Joy Luck Club?”

So this concludes our first edition of Book Club. It’s been an exciting debut. We’ll have to do it again. And you know, I think Tamika had a good idea. Let’s read Amy Tan’s The Joy Luck Club for next time. It’s so much more pleasant than Les Miserables. It sounds like it’s about a group of people who experience nothing but joy and luck.

Stay tuned next for the cracking open of a spine… probably a book’s spine. Hopefully.

Good night, Night Vale. Good Night.

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PROVERB: Dance like no one is watching. Just pretend you are completely invisible. Maybe do a heist, too. See what you can get away with.