KAREEM: It’s midnight Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan and you’re listening to the Kareem Nazari Show on 1080 KMCG. I’m your host, Kareem Nazari.

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My parents came to visit me this week. They drove in from Saugatuck, where they retired a few years ago to a lake house. Empty nesters. They were getting cabin fever this winter, so they decided last-minute that they’d head to the big city of Ann Arbor to visit their son. It’s been nice having them. I love my parents. Super smart, caring, good people, all that. But… I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my girlfriend and two cats. And Emma uses that second room as her office space, so it’s been a little crowded, a little stressful.

Plus I do this late night Saturday show, so my mom was a bit incredulous I didn’t want wine at dinner. It’s my callers that drink before my show, not me. I gotta keep my mind fresh. Otherwise you people out there will have me believing all of your crazy conspiracies.

You listeners get drunk. And I debunk. You know how it works. But before we get to your calls, the reason I bring up my parents visiting is not to complain about my tiny home. It’s about the garbage that’s filled their brains lately. I don’t know which of you listeners got to my parents – maybe they found one of your unhinged facebook groups? – but I’m not happy about it. There was a... thing... an incident – I don’t want to get into it – a few years back. And ever since then, they’ve started espousing some strange beliefs. Not even real conspiracies like the junk you all call in with. But bizarre stuff.

My father, who is a scientist - he taught mechanical physics at Michigan State for 20 years – said at dinner tonight that he doesn’t believe the moon landing is real. But here’s the crazy part. He said he believed that it was possible to get to the moon. That we certainly had the scientific know-how and the technology to do it. He even agreed that the footage we do have was incredibly accurate.

No, what Dr. Rahim Nazari said to me, his adult child, was: “I don’t believe we landed on the moon, because I don’t believe that there IS a moon.”

And my mother agreed! And she has a doctorate in marine biology!

Dinner got weird. Emma poured herself more wine – like to the LIP of the glass – and just stared at me with eyes that said “They’re your family, dude.”

So, no, I don’t believe in the supernatural. And I don’t believe in pseudoscience. But maybe, if there’s one exception, after tonight. Perhaps, I believe that there are body snatchers.

Okay, I’m already on high alert for tonight’s show, so let’s get to your calls.

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You’re on the air.

DOUG: Hello?

KAREEM: Who is this?

DOUG: I’m not going to tell you my name.

KAREEM: Then make one up.

DOUG: Can you put one of those filters on my voice where it sounds [replicates the sound] REAL LOW?

KAREEM: Sure. [no filter is put on the voice] What are you calling about, unnamed caller?

DOUG: Okay, I was visiting family a few months back. They live in… well, I don’t want to say exactly where, because I know the government is listening… let’s just say a small town in the desert. And there was a whole story about how the moon was invented in the 19th century, as a way to control werewolves.

KAREEM: And you did your own research to verify this?

DOUG: You don’t need a PhD to be a scientist. We’ve all been scientists at one point or another in our lives. You’re such an elitist, Kareem.

KAREEM: Listen… Doug. You sound like a Doug. So I’m just going to call you Doug, okay?

DOUG: HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?

KAREEM: Doug. I… [breathes] I never thought I’d have to say this sentence unironically. To anyone. But, Doug, here goes: “The moon is real.”

DOUG: Follow the money, Kareem. Look who owns that moon.

KAREEM: If you say George Soros, I’m hanging up…

DOUG: [overlapping] George Soros.

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KAREEM: Wow, only took one call to get to antisemitism. New record, folks. It’s gonna be a long show tonight. Next caller, who’s this? What do you got?

GINA [intense superfan type]: Hey Kareem, this is Gina in Ypsilanti. Ugh. Sorry about that last caller there. Just want you to know you have a lot of listeners who love your show, love your thoughts on conspiracies, don’t always agree with you, but respect the heck out of you.

KAREEM: Thanks, Gina. What’s your question?

GINA: Do you believe in doppelgangers?

KAREEM: You mean, do I believe there are people who look just like other people? I guess?

GINA: No, like there are two of the exact same person.

KAREEM: Oh, sure, secret government cloning? No. I don’t.

GINA: Maybe? I don’t know where doppelgangers come from, but I was in front of Franks Drugs just now on Western Michigan Avenue? Walking home from the Tap Room where I’d had some drinks with my friends? And I ran into you, and we talked. For like a while. Just now. I was wearing a yellow hat, and I had my dog with me. He’s a border collie mix with gray eyes. Do you remember?

KAREEM: Just now? No. Of course not. Plus, I live in Ann Arbor. I don’t really ever go to Ypsilanti. How many Ranch Waters did you have tonight, Gina?

GINA: The thing is, Kareem. It WAS you.

KAREEM: Gina. It was not—

GINA: (sudden shift into a more serious tone) You don’t have a nail on your right middle finger. You got your finger caught in a door jamb when you were 9. It crushed the bone and after an infection, the nail fell off. The doctors were able to save your fingertip, but now it’s bent at the knuckle, and the nail just never grew back.

KAREEM: How did you–

GINA: I had a tooth pulled today. I wanted to get a root canal but insurance doesn’t cover root canals for molars. So I had to have it removed. And I‘m still a little numb. I was drooling a bit when I met you. Maybe it was the anesthesia. Maybe it was meeting a celebrity. But I told you about having my tooth pulled and that made me sad, because I’m forever changed. I’ll never get that tooth back.

And you were very sweet. You showed me your finger. Told me how much it hurt. But how much you loved being different. Most people have boring fingers, but not me, you said. Most people have boring smiles, but not you, Gina. That’s what you said. And it made me feel… well, it made my day, Kareem.

KAREEM: How could you possibly know about… [he’s still not believing her story]

GINA: But then it got weird, because I realized as I was talking to you… it was midnight on a Saturday. That’s when you do your show. And I asked if you were off tonight, and you acted confused. In fact, you seemed kind of lost, not like absentminded, but like you literally did not know where you were.

KAREEM: Gina. [smug little laugh] Are you listening to yourself? That's not my doppelganger you talked to. That’s literally a random dude that you drunkenly thought was me.

GINA: It might not have been you-You, Kareem. But it wasn’t a rando. It was definitely a version of you. And this version of you thought he was from a city called Night Vale.

KAREEM: Oh, of course, you’re one of the Night Vale people. I heard about this place on every stupid podcast there is… Pod Save America, You’re Wrong About, My Brother My Brother and Me, even Hello from the Magic Tavern. Do podcast people just recycle the same storyline? I’m sure Night Vale is a real town, and I’m sure it’s weird. But so is Marfa, Texas. So is Slab City, California. So is Lily Dale, New York. There are lots of weird little towns to get obsessed with.

GINA: Well, I hadn’t heard of it until you told me about it in front of Franks. And then when I told you you were in Ypsilanti, Michigan you got excited. Mostly because I pronounced Michigan right? And I thought that’s strange. It’s pronounced like it looks. But then you said you’d been stuck in that Night Vale place since 2015, trying to get back home to Michigan. And here you were, finally in Michigan. And you kept saying “Michigan,” like it was a name you hadn’t heard in years. And you said you needed to see your family again.

KAREEM: Wait a minute.

GINA: And then I said, shouldn’t you be getting ready for your radio show, Kareem? And you said, “what radio show? I have a radio show?” And I laughed, because you’re very funny Kareem. It’s why I listen to your show. And we walked to my apartment. I live just up the road. I can see Franks Drugs from my bathroom window. And I played the radio for you. And lo and behold, there you were in my living room, listening to yourself. On the air.

So I had to call, because I thought maybe you were lying to your fans about doing the show live. You had to have recorded these shows. But nope. Here you are. Live!

KAREEM: Gina, where is this man now? The one you met in front of Franks?

GINA: Oh you told me you couldn’t remember your address. And so I googled it. It wasn’t hard to find. You should get one of those Data Scrubbing Services. Lots of crazy people out there, Kareem. You don’t want them knowing where you live.

KAREEM: You told him where I live?

GINA: I mean, he showed me his finger. It was missing a nail. I—

KAREEM: We’re done here, Gina.

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[breathes]

Listen to me, folks. I started this show because I love conspiracies. I don’t believe them. But I think they’re interesting. And it’s fun. If you keep it fun.

A few years ago, a man started writing letters to my mother, claiming he was me. Then he started calling the house, again claiming he was me. And he knew a LOT, I mean a LOT, of personal details about my childhood. And he had my mom convinced, until one day he called while I was home. And that sent my mother and father both down an emotional wormhole. It messed them up. They’re rational people, and since that moment, they’ve been less so.

So, let’s cut the crazy. Okay? If I’m going to keep this show on the air, you’ve all got to keep your cool.

Next caller. You’re on the air.

CALLER FROM NIGHT VALE [cool; slow; business-like; played by same actor playing KAREEM]: Hi. Kareem. I’m so glad I got through.

KAREEM: I’ll let you know in a minute if I share that sentiment. What do you want to talk about? Kennedy? Area 51? Denver Airport?

CALLER: I want to talk about Night Vale.

KAREEM: Oh, come on. Just. Go outside. Look around you. The world is messed up. It’s messed up enough without us needing to make up a fake town full of fake conspiracies that you heard about on some Radiotopia podcast. You wanna know a real town full of real government conspiracies? Detroit. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Flint? Well, Flint is 50 miles up 23. Why do you need to invent new demons? Demons aren’t even real. They’re folk tales we make up so we don’t have to see the real harm real humans inflict on each other every single day. So I don’t want to talk about Night Vale.

CALLER: Well I do. And it IS real.

KAREEM: What state is Night Vale in, then? You’ve got all the info, tell me how to find Night Vale on a map.

CALLER: You’re asking the wrong questions, Kareem.

KAREEM: Then help me. Teach me, wise caller. What questions should I be asking?

CALLER: How I got out of Night Vale.

KAREEM: Okay, how did you get out of Night Vale?

CALLER: [long pause]

KAREEM: Well are you going to answer

CALLER: (cutting him off) A friend of mine – she used to be mayor of Night Vale, in fact – told me about a door. It wasn’t attached to anything. It was 2-dimensional. You could only see it from one side. I found the door, just today, as a matter of fact, and I went through it. And suddenly here I was in Michigan [says this word proudly]. I hadn’t been here in years. I haven’t seen my family in years.

KAREEM: [starting to realize] Hold on…

CALLER: You also didn’t ask me my name, Kareem. Don’t you usually ask your callers that?

KAREEM: Sure, but we got right into

CALLER: Ask me my name.

KAREEM: [tentatively] What’s your name… caller?

CALLER: My name is ALSO Kareem. Not such an unusual name, really. Don’t you also want to know where I’m calling from, Kareem?

[no answer]

I’m calling from just outside my apartment. A little 2 bedroom off South Maple Rd. And this looks like my parents’ car out front. A 2011 forest green Subaru Outback…. Oh it’s still got the Obama/Biden sticker on it. And one for Bernie? Like Bernie Sanders? Did he run for president?

KAREEM: Stop. Right there. Leave my family alone. Whoever you are.

CALLER: You know exactly who I am. I’m Kareem Nazari, and I just want to talk to my parents again. I’m sorry to alarm you. I think I’m frightening everyone. It’s just that I have questions. Because I don’t know if there were always two Kareems, or if you and I split off later, but MY memories are YOUR memories until I got that internship. And until this very evening, I haven’t been able to get home.

KAREEM: This is a prank call. I’m hanging up. And I’m calling the police.

CALLER: I don’t think you sh—

KAREEM: Listeners, I’ve got to cut tonight’s show short. Uhh.. let’s just play some music. Here’s umm. Fine. Here’s Scarlet Sails with “My Love.”

[WEATHER: “My Love” by Scarlet Sails https://scarletsails.bandcamp.com/]

KAREEM [VOICEMAIL]: Hey this is Kareem. Leave a message. [beep]

GINA: Hey Kareem, it’s Gina. Sorry for calling your personal number. You really need to get your private data off the internet… But you don’t have to worry about me being one of the crazy ones. I’m a total norm-o. Real boring. But I did want to call you to say that I was just staring at Franks Drugs on Western Minchigan Avenue. Sorry Western Mistican. I can’t talk! Western Milshtiman. You know the road I’m talking about. Anyway, I saw you walk into a little doorway next to Franks. You were with an older couple. Were those your parents?

When I walked down to that door. I wasn’t following you, by the way. Just being curious. But when I got to the door you went through. It wasn’t there. It was just a plain old wall. Where did you go?

[gasp]

Was that even you? It was the other guy, wasn’t it?

[really excited] Oh. My. God. I cannot wait to hear next week’s show. I’m… so excited. And if, like, you wanted to call me back. You can. I know you have a girlfriend. I don’t mean like that. Just… no, shut UP, Gina. Geez. Okay. Bye.

[beep]

CALLER: Hey, man. It’s Kareem. From Night Vale. Mom and dad are coming with me. I want them to see where I’ve been living. I need them to believe me, even though you don’t.

I used to be that way too. We ARE the same person. Or were. At some point. And I know you love mom and dad. But so do I. You can’t know what it’s like to miss them. To be afraid about what’s going on. To experience true existential terror. But you will. And I’m really sorry, dude. They’ll be back. Probably. I’ll find them a way back to Milligan. Misticam. Mitch… ugh. It’s already starting, and we’re not even through the door yet.

I suppose you’re wondering why I didn’t bring you with me. Well, I thought about that. But two things: 1) You wouldn’t have agreed anyway; and 2) My friend, the one I told you about, who showed me the door? She warned me about bringing my doppelganger to Night Vale. Things don’t go well for doubles there. She wouldn’t elaborate, but she looked pretty serious.

All right. I’ll stay in touch. Mom and dad will too. As best we can. Night Vale is pretty weird, man. Hey did you hear that episode of 99 Percent Invisible about the Brown Stone Spire? They did a really good job on that, truly captured the vibe of the town. I’m glad more people know about Night Vale in your world. Maybe we’ll finally figure out how to get reliable roads in and out of town. And maybe one day, you’ll be able to come here too.

Again, really sorry.

Uh, so…

Take care. I guess.

[beep]

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