Think about treating people the way you want to be treated. It’s the thought that counts. Welcome to Night Vale

Well we have a special surprise for you all today, listeners. A holiday broadcast unlike any we’ve done before. It is positively out of this world. I say this because it was recorded in outer space.

Some of you might know Radio Jupiter, who lives near Grove Park. She landed in our town earlier this year, and has made herself a welcome and friendly presence. She explains she’s just happy to be a human amongst humans after so many years alone in the cosmos, a wanderer against her will.

During that lonely sojourn through the universe, she celebrated many holiday seasons on her own, and she has agreed to share the tapes of those celebrations with us all, as a reminder that however far flung the human spirit, it still remains so beautifully, fragilely human. Here is the first of those tapes.

RADIO JUPITER: Hello, can anyone hear me? Well, I can hear me, and I’m anyone. If there’s one thing that can be said about me, it’s that I’m anyone at all.

This is Radio Jupiter, and it’s that time of year again. At least, I’m pretending it is. Every measure of time is attached to a solar system I don’t exist in any more. What does a year mean without the earth, without the sun? How would you describe it to someone who only knows the vacuum of space? No matter how esoteric our mathematics, they are hopelessly tactile. Still the paws of apes, scratching at the rock they call home.

Nevertheless, I can pretend to count time. I can pretend that a year has passed. I can pretend that time moves only forward, that it never curves, or bends, or loops. I can pretend a lot of things. I have a very good imagination.

So it is that chapter of the year again, when humans respond to the cold outside by turning to the warmth of each other. This is the season of huddling. Oh, we call it other things. Write grand stories to justify. But ultimately what we seek is touch, and the hot breath of another person on the side of our face. This is a holiday of nerves seeking nerves, a holiday of sensation. It is huddling that we seek.

And I am alone, and in space it is always cold. Heat comes from movement, and nothing in this vacuum moves but me, because nothing exists to move but me. I have no one to huddle with. That is always a problem, but it is most acute when I imagine that it is this time of year.

Satellite without referent, that’s me. Orbiting and orbiting but without center. So ok, I will have to be my own center. My orbit will be around myself. I will huddle with me.

It is not enough, but I will make it enough.

CECIL: More of this holiday cheer soon! But first, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s show is brought to you by the tourism board of….Manchnigan. From the pristine shores of Lake Moocharon to the forested shores of Lake Huron, to the underrated shores of Lake Erie, we are the premiere tourism destination in the Upper Midwest, not counting Chicago and parts of Wisconsin and Minnesota. Come enjoy the college town vibes of Ann Arbor, the raw natural beauty of the Upper Peninsula, and the rock n roll energy of…(exaggerated French pronunciation) Detroit.

Pure Mitchaloon. See what all the fuss is about.

I’m sorry listeners. This seems to be some kind of prank pulled on me by the ad department. Making a sponsor message for a fake place. We hold ourselves to a higher standard, and I will be having some stern words with them about this joke.

Let’s have a look now at stock tips. There are many ways to be successful at stocks. For instance, you can be lucky, or you can cheat. Those are the two ways.

Lucky is difficult. Not impossible, but it does require some spells. You have to wear a small bag around your neck stuffed with thistle and rosemary, and burn the one thing in your life most precious to you. And even then, half the time you just end up with your sourdough turning out perfect, or getting Wordle in two, which if you think about it is actually much more impressive than getting it in one, you will say to everyone you know even though they extremely do not care. What I’m saying is it’s hard to aim luck.

So your best bet is to cheat. Fortunately, there are a TON of ways to cheat. For instance, you can do some corporate espionage, find out information before it hits the open market, and then invest accordingly. Or you can manipulate the markets, causing untold suffering and wiping out the entire economy for the sake of buying your third house. If history tells us anything, and I hope it doesn’t, you won’t ever get punished.

But the absolute best way to cheat, and doctors hate this one weird trick, is to join congress. Because there is no law against actively investing while in congress despite the fact that you will be constantly told secret information that will radically affect the markets. And you can just make a ton of money on that info without any consequences because who is going to pass a law against that? You? Don’t make me laugh. Please don’t make me laugh. It hurts so terribly when I laugh. Ow. Ouch. Oh man. I miss laughing. I miss it so much.

This has been stock tips.

Let’s get the next Radio Jupiter holiday tape going. These are so festive!

RADIO JUPITER: Another holiday up here in the up here, beyond the beyond, where the limits of the human mind meet the limitless depths of space.

I have come to terms with my terms, I think. Anything is tolerable if you choose to tolerate it. Or I am choosing to believe that.

Every breath on this spaceship is one I have made before. I am a cycle. It all goes through me. I am my own ecosystem.

I gave myself a present yesterday. It was a surprise. I took some paper from the desk, and I grabbed something at random from the storage area with my eyes closed, and then wrapped it with the paper, eyes still closed. So I don’t know what’s inside, other than the clue of what my hands felt, but I did my best not to think about it much.

Let’s see. I did an ok job at wrapping given that I wasn’t looking at all. It’s kind of stapler shaped. When I shake it, it makes a little clinking sound. Clink clink. Clink clink. Kind of festive in its own way. Let’s open it.

[the sound of tearing paper]

It’s…not a stapler. It’s a sculpture, done in a modern style, of a man weeping. His torso is twisted and his face is buried in his hands. I’ve never seen this sculpture before. How did it get in my storage area?

Well, what a surprise. Not a nice surprise exactly, but after eons, any surprise is nice in its own way.

This statue makes me upset. Which is nice. It’s nice to feel anything. I’m going to put it by my bed, so I can see it when I wake up. Maybe I’ll be startled. Can you imagine what a fun change of pace that would be?

CECIL: Before we hear more from Radio Jupiter, it’s time to hear more from Radio Cecil, which is a cool new nickname I just gave myself. Feel free to call me Radio Cecil if you run into me at the Ralphs or in a dark narrow stretch deep in the cave system they recently found in the sandwastes.

I think we have time for a quick horoscopes.

Aquarius – no

Aries – Yes

Cancer – Yes

Capricorn – maybe

Gemini – Absolutely not.

Leo – Ok, sure

Libra – Hahahahaha. No

Pisces – Yes.

Sagittarius – Yep

Scorpio – Definitely

Taurus – Definitely not.

Virgo – Today is a good day for business decisions.

And this has been horoscopes.

And now a public service announcement.

Do you know that car that was abandoned on Meerkat Lane? The one with the rusted out passenger door, and the trunk that is half open, sort of inviting you to look inside, to see what was left along with the car? Well, a representative from the Federal Government would like to make clear that you do not see that car. You have never seen that car. If you are under the false impression that you are seeing that car, then you are having some sort of episode. The best thing to do when having some sort of episode is to simply stop looking at the thing that you are not seeing. There is no car abandoned on Meerkat Lane, the government representative explained. There may not even be a Meerkat Lane. Hell, the representative said, leaning on the wall behind the ice cream shop, chewing on a toothpick, the question of whether you exist is still open. Then the representative narrowed their eyes and said “don’t make us close that question.”

Well, I don’t know what car they’re talking about, and neither do you. No one knows anything.

This has been a public service announcement. I hope you feel better informed.

But enough boring radio stuff. Let’s get that cheery holiday mood going!

RADIO JUPITER: I lost the statue. I don’t know how. This is a sealed environment. Nothing comes in, nothing goes out. But it’s gone. Ah well. It really was very upsetting. Perhaps it is better that it leaves me.

That’s another year passed. I think. I’ve lost track of even the counting, and so I just decide it is the season when my gut tells me so. I don’t have a guess to my birthday, and so I celebrate that whenever it feels like my birthday. I have aged so much. There were months where it felt like my birthday every day. I must have gone through a hundred years since the last holiday. It’s all arbitrary. I’m a thousand years old. I’m new-born. This is Radio Jupiter, and I am beyond time and space.

Was the statue stolen? Was there someone here to steal it? I would like to meet someone, anyone, even if they are a thief. Maybe they had their reasons, like the statue was upsetting and they enjoy being upset. Sometimes I enjoy being upset. It makes me feel like I have a goal, you know?

Speaking of goals, I’m thinking it’s time to make a change, to make a plan, to take action, to make the hard choices, the tough decisions. This is the season of taking stock, of looking back, of peering forward.

And this isn’t working. This here, life as I’m living it, isn’t working. Next holiday will be different. I can promise you that. Whoever you are. I hope you like the statue.

CECIL: Everywhere we humans go, we bring our world with us. There is no empty that is deep enough to swallow our life completely. When the last of us huddle in a dying world, one of us will tell a story, and another of us will laugh. And now the weather.

[Weather: “The Witch“ by Indra https://linktr.ee/Indraofficialmusic]

RADIO JUPITER:

[note, I have added translations of the intended meaning in italics. These are not to be performed, but instead are to help provide a guide for how the lines should be acted.]

Ache after adventures, admit ambition, amaze…anyone. Anyone. Ah, adequate amateur. Apologies.

[I want adventure, I am ambitious, I wish I had an audience. Any audience. Ah, I’m disappointing. Sorry.]

Breath-taking beauty! Better beings! Blaze: baubles, bulbs, bangles. Beyond Bermuda. Beyond Betelgeuse. Beautiful.

[Wow! Look at the universe out there! Shine on stars, from here to eternity. Wow!]

Cruel cosmic calendar. Calm, cold calculation. Chaotic cohesion. Charting correct course.

[Space does not care about me. It is chaos. I will have to be the one to decide my fate.]

Dreary distance.

Eternal emptiness, except Earth.

Gorgeous, generous, gaudy, glamorous, grand, gradual galaxies. Goth giants. Gaseous gods.

[Hey, those galaxies look cool. ]

Hail, hello, hi!

I’m individual, I’m impressive, I’m instrumental, I’m… inmate.

[I’m really cool. But I’m also stuck in this fucking spaceship]

Just joking. Jittery jollity.

[J/k. Gallows humor you know?]

Keep kind, kid. Keep keen.

[Be kind to yourself. Watch your step. ]

Learn language last. Limit language. Laughter lifts. Like lightning. Little lovely looks. Like lightning.

[Screw language. Laugh instead. Communicate with your eyes, not language.]

Me, myself. Mostly me.

[It’s just me here. Just me.]

No natural neighbors. Nearly nothing. Not nothing-nothing. Nothing-ish.

[No one around me. Or is there?]

Oh, organic others. Oh observers, observe. Ok? Ok?

[Hey, if there are any aliens, say hi please. ]

Past pretending. Painful panic. Perhaps people. Please perhaps people. Possible people? Please.

[Ok, no there’s no one here and I’m having a panic attack about that. Anyone here? Please?]

Quiet. Quite quiet.

[Nope. Just silence.]

Risking rudeness. Risking riot. Risking risk.

[I have to take this in on my own hands. I have to risk it all for my happiness.]

Seaward slips staid self. Situation seized.

[Leave behind my boring self (my “staid self”). Take the reins!]

Turnabout. Take-off. Testament to transition. Thinking: There’s there there.

[I’m turning this ship around. There has to be something there for me. ]

Understandable underdog. Uniquely unlucky.

[I’m the underdog. I’ve been unlucky.]

Vast vessel. Veering. Vroom vroom vroom

[The ship is turning! It’s working!]

Watch! We will wander widely, we will witness warm, wonderful world.

[We’re gonna head back to earth!]

Xenophile!

[I love people!]

Yelling yes! Yes!

[as though describing a starship flying:]

Zip, zip, zip.

CECIL: We are a story telling species. Other animals use tools. Other animals communicate. Every division we try to throw up to separate ourselves from our animal kindred gets knocked down, except this. Human beings have an insatiable drive to organize the world into narrative, both real and unreal. We are the only species to tell harmless lies that our audience knows are lies, in order to delight and inspire. What a heavy burden the truth. What a light gift a fabulation. A lie is a thing with feathers.

Radio Jupiter has come home to us. And we are grateful for her return. She has taken up residence in the manor on the hill overlooking Grove Park. She speaks to no one, rarely ventures out. I think she is still recovering from her years of solitude, and may need some time to return to us completely. She should take all the time she needs.

But at night, I can look up, and see the light in her window. And from that window, she can look down and see the lights of our windows. The stars she sees now have human faces behind them. I hope every day she feels a little less alone.

Because this is a time of year where we seek to feel less alone. Whether by actual company, or the nearness of strangers, or just a good story, well told.

From my understanding of the truth to yours: may your winter be just a little less alone.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.