All roads lead to Rome. All streets lead to Cincinnati. All avenues simply loop back to where they started. Welcome to Night Vale.

I apologize for this, listeners, but I have my son Esteban with me in the studio. Our sitter chanted Bloody Mary three times in a dark bathroom and was subsumed into the Dimension of Eternal Pain, which as you can imagine is really annoying for us. Like, ok Kylan, maybe trap yourself inside a torture dimension on your own time, but we’re working adults and we need child care. I tried to get Carlos to take Esteban to the lab, but apparently today they’re doing a dangerous experiment and he doesn’t want our son to get hurt. I’m not sure I believe that. I think Carlos might just want some time alone to work on his Tiktok dances. He’s obsessed these days with getting one to go viral, and he’s putting a few too many hours into choreographing and filming these things.

But whatever. I don’t mind having my child with me. I might need to occasionally take a second during the broadcast, but you won’t even notice.

Our headline news today concerns the University of What It Is. After the shocking crime of Dr. Janet Lubelle, in which she murdered Sarah Sultan by explaining that a fist-sized river rock couldn’t be sentient, calls went up all over town, and especially from the community radio station, during my show, from my mouth into this mic, to banish the University from Night Vale and arrest Janet Lubelle for crimes against a river rock. But the City Council refused to act, insisting that their job was to remain impartial. I think they’re actually just afraid Dr. Lubelle will explain them away next.

Impatient with the slow turning of the wheels of government, Night Vale citizens have correctly taken it upon themselves to expel this infection from the town body. There is a great march, a seething mass of bodies, torches aloft, screaming for the blood of…

Yes, Esteban honey?

You need a snack?

Ok, let me see what I have here.

I’ve got Cheddar Earthworms, Pumpkin Spice Beef Jerky. Uh, Flamin’ Hot Cheerios. The Cheerios?

Sure. Let me put them in your cup that’s shaped like a large anatomically correct eyeball. So cute!

Please try to get at least as many Cheerios in your mouth as you do on the floor. Ok?

Ok. Where was I? I forget. Let’s get to the next story.

A message from the Night Vale medical board. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that there's something off about the 10th doctor. She's pale and her skin is baggy and her mouth seems very very wide.

The 9 doctors first noticed last May, when the 10th doctor didn’t show up for their usual monthly doctor happy hour, at Gino’s Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar. Dr Klein said “oh, where is Dr. Wilcox?” Dr. Tang agreed: “Dr. Wilcox always comes to these things. It’s not the same without her.” Dr Byers suggested they call Dr. Wilcox, but Dr. Wilcox did not pick up. So the next day, Dr. Alvarez stopped by the house of Dr. Wilcox, and found her standing on the lawn. She had flies crawling on her face, and a strange red line snaking through her right eye. “Are you ok, Suzanna?” Dr Alvarez asked, and Dr. Wilcox said, “Oh, I’m fine, how kind of you to ask,” except her voice emanated from the earth below their feet, instead of from her mouth, which is where her voice usually came from. After that, Dr. Alvarez made an excuse about leaving the microwave on and that he had to go, and he sidled away from Dr. Wilcox’s home, never once turning his back to her.

The Night Vale medical board advises that you not see Dr. Wilcox about any medical emergencies, and if you find her in your house, do not panic or make sudden movements. She really doesn’t seem to like sudden movements.

This has been a message from the Night Vale Medical Board.

Let’s have some town gossip. Ooh, I love gossip. It’s like life, but you get to pick sides.

Ok soooooo. A friend of a friend told me that Raheem, one of the baristas in the barista district, well he’s been seeing Hubert, who runs that Curiosity Shoppe downtown. The shoppe that sells you that one special item, the one you desire so much, but then your desires turn out to be your own downfall? It’s a lovely place to take a date. WELL, it turns out, this whole time, Hubert has been married. To one of the lizard people who live in the caverns deep under the scrub lands. RIGHT? Can you believe it? So whenever Hubert was like, “I must take a work trip to far off lands, to search out cursed goods for my cursed shoppe,” he was ACTUALLY visiting his lizard husband Alan.

And here’s the thing, this only came out because Raheem was planning to propose to Hubert. He had rented a party boat down at the waterfront and everything. But then Hubert realized he could be in some real legal trouble if he tries to marry two people, so at that point he comes clean. And of course Raheem is devastated, and Hubert is trying to act like he’s the victim in all of this. Hubert is claiming (get this!) that he practices “unethical non-monogamy.”

Gossip. Can’t get enough of it.

Now back to our top story. The crowds have neared the University of What It Is. They are led by the teaching staff of the Night Vale Community College, brandishing their traditional flails. The Sheriff’s Secret Police is on hand, in case there is an opportunity for the police to initiate violence. We will provide non-stop coverage of this breaking event as it unfolds. I will not step away from the mic for even a—

What’s up, Esteban?

You want me to read you a book? Of course, sure. How about Good Morning, Moon?

Good Morning Moon

It is disquieting to see you at dawn, moon.

You belong to the night, and we belong to the day.

Why are you here? This is freaking me out.

I hate you, moon. You lousy thing. You broken clock.

I would spit on your grave if only you had the decency to die.

The end.

[back to the audience] I love that one. A real classic. Ok, did I finish that last story? Probably. Let’s get back to the radio show.

This is a test of the Emergency Dream Broadcast System. In an actual emergency, you'd be having a dream where you are floating in a bathtub, but the bathtub is the size of the Atlantic Ocean, and it is the Atlantic Ocean, but it is also a bathtub. In your hands is a book. You cannot read the title of the book, but you know that it is Crime and Punishment, a book you’ve never read, never had a desire to read. In the distance, in this bathtub which is the Atlantic Ocean, you notice a great wave, like the world has never seen. The world will never see it, because if this wave ever actually arrived, the world would be no more, washed under the dark water. As you watch this wave, in awe and in horror, you realize the only way to stop this wave is to pull the plug on the bath. The bath that is the ocean must be emptied if we are all to survive. And you scramble around in the depths for a plug but you can’t find one because this is a bathtub but it is also the Atlantic Ocean.

And in your panic you hear the quietest, most intimate whisper in your ear, a gentle voice saying “heavy rains tomorrow afternoon. Localized flooding possible.” Then you awaken, covered in sweat, and crying.

…is what would have happened had this been an actual emergency.

This has been a test of the Emergency Dream Broadcast System.

And now an audio jigsaw puzzle. Please place the following jumbled fragments of an image in the correct order.

[Note: this should be recorded in order. In editing it will be placed with a musical track, and then scrambled in the jumbled order so that the music also skips around as it is jumbled.]

Text to be read: An old haunted house, perched crooked upon a hill, with a narrow dirt path, leading to its hungry door. The chimney leans evil, spitting black smoke into the night sky, covering up the friendly stars. From the uppermost window, two white eyes staring out from darkness. What does the spirit see? What does the spirit see?

Text as jumbled (in audio editing):

The chimney leans evil

leading to its hungry door

What does the spirit see?

perched crooked upon a hill

An old haunted house

spitting black smoke into the night sky

From the uppermost window

with a narrow dirt path

two white eyes staring out from darkness

covering up the friendly stars

What does the spirit see?

Good luck assembling that puzzle with your ears!

The crowd is entering the campus of the University of What It Is. Alarms blare, and flares paint the sky. We are in a battle for the life of our city. Janet Lubelle has appeared with her armed guards. This will be a confrontation to remember.

And…

Yeah, sweetie? You want to play a game?

What game do you want to play? Hide and seek? Flee and hunt? The Floor Is Larvas?

Oh you made up a game?? It’s called Who Is In The Crawlspace? And I have to guess who is in the crawlspace? Okay, this sounds tough, but I know I can hear someone moving around down there. They’ve been there for a long, long time.

Is it…Kimberley Blundell?

Is it…Lidia Redman?

No?

Is it…Ricky Church?

I’m running out of people it could be! Who is down there, a-creeping and a-crawling? Who could it be down there in the dark?

Is it…Caspian Watt?

I guess I give up for now. But that is a very, very good game, Esteban.

And now, the community calendar.

Today is the Day of Reckoning. So no exact measures. Just kind of eyeball everything. Did you put enough gas in your car? Don’t check, go on reckoning. Good luck!

Wednesday is the Haunted House at the Senior Home on Sandalwood Lane. I asked if it was a little late for a Haunted House. After all, Labor Day was months ago, and it’s a bit gauche to do one after. But I was told that they had three different residents die recently and their ghosts are wandering around everywhere, so if you want a haunted house, now’s the time. They are asking for a donation of $5 and if you like any of the ghosts, to please take them home as they are causing trouble in the buffet line.

Thursday is a birthday party, deep in the woods. Everyone is invited, deep in the woods. BYOB so Bring Your Own Body, deep in the woods.

Friday, the man who sits in your living room and shouts “Thank God It’s Friday”; this man you do not know or even understand how he got into your home or what he wants from you: Well, that man will be taking the week off. Please enjoy this extremely temporary reprieve.

Saturday is the Dog Show, over at the Dog Park. No dogs are allowed in the Dog Show. Do not look at the Dog Show. The Dog Show will not harm you.

Sunday is Backordered. Please be patient. Due to supply chain issues, Sundays are gonna be rare for a while.

And Monday has been stolen. If you are the one that took it, we are asking you to put it back where you found it. We all have our eyes closed and you won’t get in trouble.

This has been the community calendar.

The attack on the University of What It Is has fallen short. Janet Lubelle and her armed guards stood firm, and the righteous mob was forced to back down. Janet declared “I will discover the truth about everything. No one can stop me. My arrival was inevitable, my victory a foregone conclusion. In this house, we believe in science.” And then she had her guards fire several times into the air.

This is a worrying development and…[to Esteban] what’s that. You want me to read you another book?

Ok listeners, sorry I just need to read to Esteban real quick. Why don’t we check in on the weather?

[weather: “Rotten” by Missouri Surf Club https://missourisurfclub.bandcamp.com/]

[to Esteban] Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, “I am running away.”

“If you run away,” said his mother. “I will run after you. For you are my little bunny.”

“If you run after me,” said the little bunny, “I will burrow deep underground, to the frozen places, and then deeper still, to the places where even the soil melts under the pressure of its own weight.”

“If you burrow deep underground,” said his mother, “then I will be the core of the earth, and radiate my heat up through you.”

“If you become the core of the earth,” said the little bunny. “Then I will be a rocket ship, and I will soar away to the empty places of the universe, where life never came to be, and only the invisible mass of dark matter holds the space together.”

“If you become a rocket ship,” said his mother, “then I will be the very concept of the vacuum, an absence that will be present wherever you fly.”

“If you become the vacuum,” said the little bunny, “then I will be a decaying car, once used to transport a family, but now merely a husk out in a desert somewhere, barely a frame, barely anything at all.

“If you become a decaying car,” said his mother, “then I will be rust, and I will eat you alive.”

“Shucks,” said the bunny, “you are inescapable. Even in my imagination, you have me trapped.”

And he was.

“Have a carrot,” said the mother bunny. And the little bunny had no choice. He had no choice at all.

The end.

[to listeners]

Ah, Esteban is finally down for a nap. He’s so sweet when he sleeps. He’s sweet when he’s awake too, but a little calmer when he’s asleep.

Back to the news. The attack on the University of What It Is has failed. We were not enough, not this time. But we are patient. There will be other days, and Night Vale does not forget.

Hold on, I have to take a picture of Esteban napping on the floor of the broadcast booth for Carlos. He’s going to love it.

Stay tuned next for the cutest little snores you’ve ever heard, interspersed with the occasional angry cry of a righteous townsperson demanding justice.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.