1997

STEVE CARLSBERG: Great hustle out there girls. Really good, uh hustle. I already said hustle. I’m sorry. First game, new at this. But I hope you’ll grow as I grow. We can all grow together. And that, I’m pretty sure, is what basketball is all about, other than the two items listed in the name.

Uh, some of you might not know me, sorry. I’m Steve Carlsberg. But you can call me Steve. I mean, Coach Carlsberg. No! Coach Steve. Yeah.

I replaced coach Merryll about, uh, five minutes ago. She looked into the Box of Infinite Despair that we found in the locker room. And that was it for Coach Merryll.

As Bill Russell once said: “Never look into a Box of Infinite Despair.” And he was right. That’s a good basketball lesson for you all. Yes, that is the box, over there in the corner. Please just don’t touch it or anything. It’s got, you know, infinite despair inside. I’ll throw it out after the game.

But don’t worry about a little change in personnel, we’re not going to let that affect our game out there. Which is, wheelchair basketball yes? (Sorry, someone just handed me a clipboard and pushed me in here. I was just enquiring if you had to be a parent to join the PTA foosball league. Apparently, the answer is “yes” for some reason? Ugh.)

So I did not see the first half of the game, but I think you probably did great, I think you’re going to continue to do great, and Red Mesa isn’t going to know what hit them. Tell you what, everyone get together here. Big huddle, hands in. Reach in, Aparna. Ok, I know I haven’t proved myself to you all as a coach. But you’ve proved yourselves to each other as a team. And that is what matters. So everyone look each other in the eyes, eye contact all around.

And one two three…uh, the Ball Is, uh, Where…The Win Is.

Now get out there, and please again do not touch the Box of Infinite Despair. I am taking it out to my car right now. Does anyone have gloves?

2003

Tough first half, but we’re giving as good as we get. We always do. Yasmin, good offense. You’re sharing the ball well. Malena, excellent screens. And Hannah, great job of boxing out. Fantastic hustle out there!

It’s the games like these that really matter. Sure, it’d be nice to breeze to a victory. Boy, it feels great to finish a first half knowing that the outcome is set in stone. But those blowout games, those don’t mean anything. All that means is we outclass the opponent so much we shouldn’t even be on that court with them. It’s a mismatch of skill.

As Lenny Wilkins once said: “There’s a spider on your shirt, and his name is Victory!”

But a game like this, where we’re back and forth, back and forth, the squeal of wheels skidding out as you have to reverse all of a sudden and go tearing back down the court to defend. These are the games where you learn who you really are. Where you find out just what kind of team we’ve built here. And what we’ve found out is that we are champions. Because this is a difficult, close game, and we are going to win it.

And when we’ve won, we are going to look the other team in the eye. Shake their hands. Say “Good Game” while thinking “You were a worthy opponent and it could have gone either way. But it didn’t. Oh it didn’t.”

Girls, on three… all together now! The Ball Is Where The Win Is!

That’s right. Ok, let’s get out there and finish this. Remember, the harder we have to fight, the sweeter that victory will taste. Let’s go!

2009

Everyone bring it in, bring it in. Just take a second. Leave that hectic court behind, your darting eyes scanning the passing lanes, reading the defense. Leave all that out there. In here, hey….hey listen up. I don’t want to have to shout. Gather around close. Look each other in the eyes. And take three big breaths. That’s right. One…. Two…. Three…. [he does the breaths]

It’s been a tough game. It’s been a tough season. I know that you all want that win. An entire season without a win, it’s, well it’s devastating. It’s not what we wanted. But it happens. I know it’s hard to imagine, but in the long landscape of your life, this isn’t going to even register as one of the worst bits. So take the good that’s here. All of you, giving it your all, working together. That’s what you can control, and you have done me so proud out there.

This year, the other teams just had a little more luck, a little more time to practice, whatever. They have the edge on us. That’ll happen. No one judges you for that. We are all judged on how we handle the luck we are given.

Now I’m not saying we won’t win tonight’s game. I think we should go out there and do our best at that. Mathematically, given the current score difference, uh, it might be, well I haven’t done the calculation on whether it’s physically possible to win with the time left. Probably better to just not know that. As Pat Summitt once said: “Aggressive ignorance in the face of all available information is bliss.”

I don’t know what happens next. None of us do. But I know what happens now. Now we join hands, we promise each other that, win or lose or draw, hey maybe we can pull a draw. Are there draws in basketball? That would be a super great surprise. But no matter what, we will go out there as humans, good humans, supporting each other, on the court and off.

So on the count of three. The Ball Is Where The Win Is!

But remember, the win isn’t where it all is. I’m so proud of you, girls.

2012

Is everyone here? Tasha? I don’t see Tasha. Oh there you are. Let’s try to keep things on the visible light spectrum during game time, ok Tasha? Makes it easier for those of us who have eyes.

So it’s… it’s going great, obviously. Looks like another easy win for Night Vale. Which reminds me, let’s let some of the junior players get in there, this is a good chance for them to get some experience. Cynthia, I know it’s been difficult being on the bench this whole season. We all see your triple-threat potential as a perimeter shooter slash shot blocker slash telekinetic small forward , and I want you to be a starter next year. It’s hard, I know, because you’re a fist sized piece of beach glass who hasn’t gotten much playing time. But I believe in you, Cynthia. Show me what you can do out there in the second half, ok?

Um, so, this is all really good. It’s great. We’re winning so much! Woo! But I just want to warn you. My brother-in-law is here. He comes to all the games. He says he has to report on them, but I think it’s mostly so he can say mean things about me into his microphone. Which he does, continuously, through the entire game. I can hear him right now, even at half time, saying some very unkind things about the maintenance of my car. Which, you know, not all of us can afford a new car, Cecil. Not all of us work cushy community radio jobs. Some of us are executives at banks, and unfortunately society just doesn’t value that kind of labor enough to compensate us much.

As Phil Jackson once said: “Flowers are growing from my eyes. Also I have finger antlers now.”

The point is, I don’t want you to paying attention to what the media reports about us. Not even when he says something cruel about my hair. Not even if I start crying, ok?

What matters is that we are dominating this season. And the fact that it’s kind of being ruined for me by my brother-in-law is, you know. It’s neither here nor there. (trying to say it with conviction) Neither here nor there.

All right, let’s finish this game up strong. Bring it in. One two three. The Ball Is Where The Win Is!

Yeah. Nice. Oh good point Cecil, my shirt is unflattering, thank you.

2016

Everyone listen up! Listen up! Janice that means you, no talking.

We’ve played a strong first half out there, and I’m pleased with that. And I want you to know that, yes, Janice is my daughter, and she is the starting point guard in only her first year. But that is not because she is my daughter. Janice has good natural speed, panopticon-like court vision, and a prodigious grasp of the fundamentals. I just made the best decision for the team.

But, Janice, I need to see more hustle from you. You have to continue to earn that spot, every second, of every game. Why should you have it instead of someone else? You know?

Oh yeah, go ahead and grab an energy bar. I’m sure we’re all happy that Janice’s uncle Cecil donated these. He certainly has been supportive of the team since his niece joined. Isn’t that nice? I’m sure we’re all very grateful to him. Very grateful indeed.

But just because, say, someone gifts homemade energy bars, or, say, is my daughter, that doesn’t mean we owe them anything, right? We are, each of us, our own people. And we have to play our own game.

As Geno Auriemma once said “There’s a woman with no face standing over my bed, and all I want to do is scream. But I cannot let her know I am alive.”

So let’s forget Cecil, and Janice. More hustle, ok?

One two three. The Ball Is Where The Win Is.

[pause]

Hey Janice, hold up.

Listen I’m sorry. I know I’m being…I just really don’t want them to feel like I’m playing favorites. And I think I’m leaning too far the other direction. And I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. You’re doing great sweety. I love you and I’m proud of you.

Now get out there and let’s crush the Sage City Truck Monsters.

2020

Well, this is a special one. I don’t have to tell you. You know it. Oh this is a special one. Janice, who’s been first-team all-district since her freshman year…. this will be the final half of her final game. And what a game to go out on. You all have been playing like a machine! Good communication, good defensive reads, incredible hustle. All of you. I have no notes. You have taken in what I have taught, and you are in turn teaching me so much.

But let me take a second on Janice. Yes, she’s my daughter. But she also went from a freshman full of promise to our point guard that led us twice to state, and once to a championship. It is one of the best careers this high school has ever seen. Next year Janice will be playing college ball. Full scholarship. Which is great, because between my income as a bank executive and her mother’s income as a real estate lawyer, you could imagine we’re barely scraping by.

Every dynasty ends. Every sunny day leads to a sunset. Every night fades into day again. We are in constant motion. There are no endings, only transformations.

As Gregg Popovich once said: “I don’t know why I have wings now, but I do. And I will use them to fight crime. Bird crime.”

And just like Coach Popovich, this team will transform. Janice’s life will transform. Tonight’s game will transform from a game that is being played to a game that has been played. It will go on in our memories. So let’s make those memories good ones. Let’s honor Janice with a decisive win.

And yes, I’ve asked Cecil to take down his banner that says “I love my brother Steve and his daughter Janice.” It’s a sweet sentiment, certainly better than some of the ones he has expressed in the past. But it’s just a little distracting having that banner hanging four feet up across mid-court.

Everyone in now. Hands in. One two three: The Ball Is Where The Win Is

Oh, do you hear that? It sounds like the half-time show is wrapping up.

[HALF TIME SHOW: "Estrange Us" by Joseph Herbst Sextet https://www.josephherbstmusic.com/]

2022

Great hustle out there in the first half. Great hustle. I’m so proud of you all. I’m so….

Kim, you’re playing too tight at the perimeter, and they’re getting it by you on the fake. Just let them try to shoot from....

Oh man. I’m going to miss this. What a game to go out on though. You’re all doing so well. I hope that I made you even half as proud as you make me. Because you make me so-

Let me start over. As you know, Frances Donaldson found a yellow scrap of cloth in her car trunk, indicating that she has been chosen to take over the wheelchair basketball team as coach. So this will be my last game with you all, and I congratulate Coach Donaldson. She has some great years ahead of her. Some great years. The best.

Some of you know me well, some of you just joined this year. I hope that, whoever you are, you made some memories here that you’ll take with you. Life is a continual movement forward, and what ends up mattering is all those memories that you get to take with you into whatever comes next. I don’t know what comes next for me or for you. But I know that we get to take the memory of this game with us wherever that is. And isn’t that a comfort? And isn’t that a blessing?

I apologize that before we start the second half, Cecil, uh my brother in law Cecil, has organized a kind of ceremony to mark…just to celebrate what a time we all had together. Cecil has been very nice to me these last few years, and it’s very kind of him to do this. It will be a little long and a little much probably. Cecil sometimes is a little much, a little overbearing in his love, but he means well. Intentions are not everything, in fact in many cases they are not anything, but it’s worth keeping them in mind.

As Red Auerbach once said, “Treeeeees. Weee are theeeey!”

And I get that. You know, when I was first brought in here to coach, which was, my goodness, 25 years ago, how is that even possible? When I was first brought in, I didn’t know anything. About the game, about the job. But also about what it all meant. How important it all was. Every moment of it. There were great seasons, and seasons where we just couldn’t seem to win a game. But they all meant something. They all meant everything. To me, at least. And hopefully to all the players in all those teams, wherever they have scattered off to through the decades. I hope they still carry with them these moments, in this tiny sweaty room, when I said to them “good job” or “all is not lost” or just “hey, keep doing what you’re doing”.

Remember, the ball is where the win is. You are going to make me so proud out there.

You have already made me so proud.