Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are, an Aries? A Gemini? I’m kind of getting Gemini vibes. Welcome to Night Vale

Top of the news: Frank Chen. That’s right, back in November of 2020, Judge Chaplin issued a ruling in the case of the Family of Frank Chen vs. Night Vale. This ruling required that the town of Night Vale and the Sheriff’s Secret Police return Frank Chen to his family, exactly as he was on the day of the murder. If they did not comply within one year, the family of Frank Chen would receive full ownership of the town of Night Vale.

First the Sheriff tried cloning Frank, but that was ruled to not fit the requirements. And then they tried using a time machine to retrieve a living Frank from the past, but that ended up making a real mess of the timeline which we are still trying to sort out. I think me and Michelle Nguyen are cousins now somehow?

Anyway, the Sheriff announced today, to a room of reporter (it was me, I was the only one there), that they have finally, finally gotten Frank Chen. Judge Chaplin issued a request for everyone to meet her in court, saying “yeah right” and “ok, sure, we’ll see”.

More soon, but first:

Election season is coming up, and so it is time to talk about your civic responsibility. Remember, here in Night Vale, we are a democracy, and everyone gets one vote. There is only one vote in the entire city and it represents everyone and it is made by the voices deep in Hidden Gorge. So please remember: don’t do anything! Trying to vote is illegal. Thinking about voting is illegal. Reading up about the issues is not illegal but is, at best, crass and will get you sneers and jeers at all the finest country clubs. The voices in Hidden Gorge have our best interests at heart, and we must trust them.

Be a good citizen. Do your duty. Do nothing and trust Hidden Gorge.

This civic reminder brought to you by the Dairy Farmers Association of Northern Wisconsin.

And now for a word from our sponsors.

Today’s broadcast is brought to you by the Last Bank of Night Vale, the only bank you can trust. Their slogan, carved in marble over their front door, is “We were here for the beginning, we shall be here for the end.” And if that doesn’t make you feel like your money is in safe hands, I just don’t know what will.

The Last Bank of Night Vale is proud to present the Fall Fair, which will be taking place on the grounds of the Night Vale Elementary School this Saturday. There will be carnival rides, carnival games, carnival secrets, and carnival dark tunnels leading to carnival caverns. There will be men in overalls whose arms are thick with matted hair and who smell of old cigarettes. These men will lean against the metal frame of the ferris wheel, laughing in thick hacking coughs, lungs spent and sputtering. There will be a woman sitting in a car at the back of the parking lot, looking at the fun in the distance and crying, although she does not know why she is crying, and she will think that soon she will be born anew, although she has no idea why she should feel this way.

Also there will be a raffle. First prize of the raffle is a 1992 Cadillac El Dorado. Second Prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

Thank you to the Last Bank of Night Vale for what sounds like a delightful civic affair.

The Sheriff’s Secret Police have arrived in court with their Frank Chen. The man in the courtroom certainly looks on the surface like Frank, but he is in many other ways very different. He is wearing a fedora cocked at a jaunty angle, has a pencil thin mustache, and is smoking a hand rolled cigarette. “Buon giorno,” he said to Judge Chaplin and winked.

“What,” Judge Chaplin said, “exactly is happening here, Sheriff?”

Sheriff Sam said “Ah yeah. So this Frank Chen only speaks Italian.”

“This is in no way our Frank,” shouted Mei Chen, representing her family. “Come on, this one is obvious.”

“It does seem pretty obvious,” said Judge Chaplin.

“Yeah, ok,” said Sheriff Sam. “This one isn’t our best work. But you have to admit that he’s some kind of Frank Chen.

“Scusi, che cosa ha detto?” Frank said to the Sheriff.

[https://www.transparent.com/learn-italian/phrases.html to hear pronunciation of both phrases]

The judge banged her gavel. “Obviously not. No.” she said. “Out!”

The sheriff shrugged, and led whatever version of Frank Chen this is out of the courtroom. Mei collapsed in her chair, from exhaustion, and false hope, and the months of waiting and thinking maybe this time, maybe this time. She hated herself for losing control in public, and hated herself for hating herself, because wasn’t it ok to be vulnerable?

“I’m fine,” she said, although no one had asked. “I’m fine.”

And now the children’s fun fact science corner.

Today let’s learn about astronomy.

First there are planets. These can be green or orange or blue, and any size from “miniature” up to “Gotta Have It”. We ourselves live on a planet, which is called Hugo. I mean, that’s not what we call it, but we aren’t the only ones in the universe who have named it, and sometimes it’s nice to get outside of your cultural box.

Then there are the stars. These are very hot, and if you tried landing on one, your feet would start melting and your parents would be very annoyed with you. You’re getting melted feet all over the floor and didn’t I tell you not to go walking around on stars?

Then there is the void. This is most of it. Almost all of it is just void. There’s not a lot to do or see in the void, but there is a lot of distance. People really underestimate how roomy space is. If you’ve been looking for privacy, some time to yourself, you could definitely do worse than space.

Finally there is you. Yes, you are part of space! Astronomers have named you Nimbus Heretecus Prime, which is a really cool name, even if it isn’t what you thought your name was.

And I think that about covers astronomy. This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

I’ve done some looking into the Frank Chen situation, by which I mean I sent an intern to do some looking into the Frank Chen situation. Intern Jessica Charles was sent with a list of questions to the office of the Sheriff’s Secret Police. Now, I thought Jessica would just drop off the list and ask them to send answers over to the radio station at their convenience, but it seems instead, she ignored her duty and poked around, trying to find out secret and hidden information. Now Intern Jessica, that is not what journalism is. Journalism is asking officials questions and then printing whatever they say as though it were the truth. If we were going to start trying to find out what actually is true, our work would never end.

But anyway, Intern Jessica found a door that glowed with a bright purple darkness, and gave off a hum that scrunched the skin and flickered the eyes. She stepped bravely through the door and found herself scattered across several universes at once. She only had time to briefly call me and let me know what was going on just as her very being was torn across a thousand worlds and she simultaneously entered every possible moment of space and time. To the family and friends of Intern Jessica Charles, she was fine. She did ok. There’s been better interns, but we can’t all be the best.

That aside, this is interesting information, because I think I know exactly where this Frank Chen came from. You see, there are infinite possible other worlds, and it seems that the Sheriff’s Secret Police have opened a doorway to all of them and plucked an alternate Frank Chen, one who apparently likes fedoras and only speaks Italian.

Ooh, Judge Chaplin is not going to like that.

More on this soon, but first the community calendar.

This Thursday, Frank Chen, the owner of Dark Owl Records, will be hosting an 80s night. So if you’re over 79 and under 90, go boogie your little 80-something year old heart out.

Friday afternoon, the school board, headed by Frank Chen, and with Frank Chen, Frank Chen, and Frank Chen in attendance, will consider whether putting children in ForeverJail because of a concept we made up called “school lunch debt” is a good or bad thing.

Saturday morning, Frank Chen will be leading a jogging group at Grove Park. Put on your best shoes and run like something’s chasing you. Because, who knows, something might be.

Saturday evening, the Night Vale Cinemas will be showing a Quentin Tarentino retrospective, from early work like Toy Story and A Bug’s Life, all the way up to his recent masterpiece Frozen 2. Film scholar Frank Chen will be on hand to provide introductions and context for each film.

Monday is Free Apple day at the Farmers Market. “Don’t ask why they’re free,” said market manager Frank Chen. “You wouldn’t like the answer.”

And finally, next Wednesday we’ll all be hiding. Don’t ask why. Think of it as a fun game, if that helps. As long as you hide all day.

This has been the community calendar.

Ok, so as you might have picked up on something in that last section, and if you didn’t, don’t feel bad, it was very subtle. I only noticed because of highly trained and keen journalistic instincts. But it does seem that a nearly infinite amount of Frank Chens are pouring out of the doorway to other worlds and taking over life around our town. There are Frank Chens from worlds of dystopian robot war, and Frank Chens from worlds where material goods are shared equally, and Frank Chens who speak French. So many Frank Chens. We have a real mess on our hands, and it will take us a while to sort all of these Franks out. While we do that, please have a listen to today’s weather.

[Weather: “Dressful of Dreams” by The Bipeds http://www.thebipedsdance.com/]

All of the Franks have been placed back in their proper universes, thanks to the dedicated work of the Night Vale Department of Sanitation. Or they might not be in the correct universe for them, but at least they’re no longer in our universe, which is the important thing. These Franks have scattered back through every possible plane of existence, living different lives, making different choices, a nearly infinite variation on the theme of Frank Chen.

One Frank bought a Subway franchise, then lost it during one of the many once-in-a-lifetime financial collapses in his lifetime. He moved in with his brother, took to painting late at night. He only ever sold one painting, at a local art fair where he had, on a whim, rented a table. The woman who bought the painting loved it very much, and passed it on to her son, who put it away in a closet and forgot about it.

One Frank was the President of the United States. There’s basically a universe where each of us is the President, so that’s not that surprising. Frank is an ok president. He’s pretty good at speeches, and everyone likes the Presidential Parakeets, but his policy platform of War on Trees: Complete Deforestation Now is a little more controversial.

One Frank was a composer for movies, although he never composed for anything anyone would have heard of. He mostly scored TV movies, Hallmark stuff, or reality show specials about cute cats. He didn’t mind. He was not interested in artistic respect. Mostly he liked being able to play his instruments and get paid for it.

One Frank was a park ranger, who gave tours for children, showing them the paw tracks of local animals and teaching them what to do if they ever got lost in the woods. “You should cry,” he would say. “Sometimes it’s good to cry, and you’ll feel like you want to. When you feel like you want to cry, you should do it.” He had other advice, of course, but he did want it clear to them that they could always cry.

One Frank ran away from home as a teenager, moved to New York, changed his name. Life was hard for a long time, then it got a little easier. It was never completely ok, that he had to run away, that he had to escape, but he found a life for himself, and that was enough for him.

A baker. A long term patient at a care facility. A grad student in design and architecture. A mayor of a mid-size city. A father of three, of one, of zero. Dead at 12, at 20, at 37, at 54, at 80, never died and never will. All of these Franks, spiraling out around us. Every possible Frank in every possible world. And not a single one of them is our Frank Chen. The one person that all of this fuss has been about, and who is the only one fully absent from our story.

Judge Chaplin is very displeased. “Enough shenanigans,” the judge said. “You have one and half months before November 1st. If you can’t do this right by then, the Chen family gets to own the town. Fair is fair.”

The Chens themselves have not indicated what they would do with the town if they owned it, although Don Chen has suggested just donating it for the tax write-off.

Well, I don’t know how I feel about our town being taken away from us, but as the judge said, I suppose fair is fair.

Stay tuned next for a deep low boom from somewhere far beyond the horizon.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.