Congratulations to last night's lottery winners! You will be missed. Welcome to Night Vale.

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Meteorologists are closely watching a dense fog that has filled Radon Canyon today. The thick silver cloud has begun to seep over the rim of the chasm and is creeping into streets on the outer edges of Night Vale. The meteorologists say these canyon fogs aren’t uncommon, but they are keeping their eye on the current situation, should it happen to spill onto major roadways.

More on this story as it develops.

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And now a word from our sponsors. For more on that we go to our spokes-haze Deb. Deb? Are you there? Deb? Deb. Deb!

DEB: AAAH!!! WHAT?? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

CECIL: Do what?

DEB: Summon me.

CECIL: Summon you? I said your name, because it was time to talk about our sponsors. “Summon” makes it sound like I conjured you out of thin air.

DEB: You said my name five times, Cecil. That’s a summoning.

CECIL: I didn’t realize that’s how that works. Well now that you’re here, could you...

DEB: I just got out of the shower, Cecil. I haven’t even dried my hair, or put on makeup. I’m lucky I managed to get dressed before you so rudely plucked me out of my house.

CECIL: Rudely? Deb, we have advertisers who…

DEB: I look awful. Stop staring at me.

CECIL: Deb, you’re a sentient patch of haze. I can’t see you. I didn’t even know you had hair or wore clothes even.

DEB: Who doesn’t wear clothes to work, Cecil? River rocks and perverts, that’s who. Is that what you think of me?

CECIL: Deb. No. I just wanted to know about today’s sponsor.

DEB: You’re so into sponsors, why don’t you just read it yourself.

CECIL: I don’t see why I can’t. Not sure why we even need another employee for reading ad copy.

DEB: Fine.

CECIL: Fine. Listeners [shuffling papers] uh. Let’s see. Today’s show is… uh.. Ah! [shakes paper in victory] Today’s show is sponsored by Capital One Financial. Capital One Financial sees you. They hear you. They feel you. Capital One Financial loves you for all of your flaws and charms. They would never ask more of you than you are able to give, but they won’t let you be complacent in your ways either. Capital One Financial will challenge you to be a better friend, lover, citizen, and human being. Haven’t you always wanted an American bank holding-company to push you, to improve you, to inspire you, but all in the name of love? Listen, Capital One Financial knows it has only been getting to know you for 30 seconds, but Capital One Financial loves you. There. They said it. They love you. When you know, you know. And Capital One Financial knows. Come here, you. Give Capital One Financial a big ol’ kiss.

And now back to the news…

DEB: That really hurts, hearing you read my sponsored advertising content, right in front of my face.

CECIL: Deb! I didn’t realize you were still here.

DEB: Oh, go ahead. Dig that knife deeper, Cecil.

CECIL: Deb, I…

DEB: Unsummon me!

CECIL: Why are you mad, Deb?

DEB: Every day, I build relationships with advertisers. I sell time on the show. I write the copy. I deposit the checks. And you don’t have the decency to talk to me like a sentient patch of haze. I’m just a dumb mist that does your bidding whenever you want. And I’m tired of it.

CECIL: What are you saying Deb?

DEB: We’re done, Cecil.

CECIL: You’re quitting?

DEB: There you go again treating our relationship like we’re co-workers. Like we just do this because we get paid.

CECIL: I mean…

DEB: Goodbye!

[pause]

DEB: You have to unsummon me.

CECIL: I.. uh.

DEB: Smear some of your blood on the ad copy.

CECIL: I just slice my hand and... Ow! Smudge it on the paper?

DEB: Yes.

CECIL: Ok. Done. Bye, Deb. But call me later, okay?

Deb? Oh. She’s gone. [actually sad about this] I guess let’s get back to the news.

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The Night Vale Meteorological Society has issued a severe fog alert for our town and surrounding areas. Their press release attempted to reassure the assembled residents and media that fog is merely condensation which hangs low to the ground. But this particular fog is so dense as to absorb all light and sound within it. “So, that’s kind of weird,” the press release concluded.

According to engineers at The Night Vale Electric Utility, the fog has even begun to absorb electrical currents, causing power outages in all buildings that the fog touches. This includes battery-operated electronics like cell phones, cars, and divining rods. The Night Vale Electric Utility announced: “What do meteorologists know? Is meteorology even a real science? We might as well take advice from astrologers or phrenologists, or… or…” and here the engineers began giggling. “botanists!” they howled in laughter, as milk spewed from their nostrils.

The meteorologists ignored the taunts from the Electric Utility and sent out an additional announcement that all contact with those who have been caught up in the fog has been lost, their phones dead, their vision and hearing swallowed up by the growing cloud. They could be alive, the meteorologists stated hopefully, but there is no certainty of knowing.

The Night Vale Meteorological Society concluded by saying: “The fog is expanding rapidly. We have little time left before it envelops our entire town, but it is important that we do not panic. If the fog nears your home or place of business, you must calmly scream and flail your arms. Push anyone in your way to the ground, and run away crying. But above all, do not panic.”

More on this soon, but it’s time for another word from our sponsors.

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So, um, this one is supposed to be read by Deb, but I guess she’s in her feelings today.

Did I make her angry? I don’t know how. I summoned her to do her job, and she threw a fit. So I’ll be reading the sponsor copy until we find a new spokeshaze. And today’s show is sponsored by Capital One Financial. Wow. We haven’t had a sponsor buy multiple spots in I don’t know how long. I guess they really liked how well I read their other ad. Maybe we don’t need an extra staff member to do ad reads. Well, here goes.

Capital One Financial sees you. They hear you. They feel you. Capital One Financial is not mad, but Capital One Financial is disappointed. Capital One Financial thought you understood what it meant to love, to be loved. But it seems clear now that you did not. Capital One Financial accepts the blame for this. They were listening, but they were not receiving. That said, Capital One Financial thinks maybe you’re a bit closed off at times. Like you’re afraid to confront Capital One Financial, because the very frustrations you have with your American bank holding-company are the frustrations you have with yourself. Capital One Financial reminds you that anger is often guilt in disguise. Capital One Financial knows that life is seasonal, storms pass, and wounds heal. Capital One Financial is here for you when you need a holding-company for your American banking. Come here, you. Let Capital One Financial give you a hug. They call us a holding-company for a reason. Tell Capital One Financial everything. There there, hon. Shhh. There there.

This has been a word from our sponsors. [cellphone ping]

Listeners, I got a text, from Deb. It says: “Gosh, Cecil, you did a swell job there. Sure sounds like you don’t need me around.” Oh, no! That’s not what I meant. I… [sighs]

Let’s get back to the news.

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City Hall has been swallowed by the rapidly sprawling fog from Radon Canyon. All contact has been lost. Most of our town has been consumed, and we do not know whether anyone in the fog is still alive. We’re no longer certain whether or not the fog is a fog at all. No one can see into the dense mist, and again, no sounds can escape it.

The Night Vale Meteorological Society tied ropes around each other’s waists, forming a chain of nearly 50 weatherpeople. Their plan was to venture a few at a time into the fog and take air quality and pressure readings, but the density of the cloud was too great, and those that entered could not be pulled back out. Soon, everyone in the chain was absorbed into the fog.

Listeners, I do not know what’s happening, nor if anyone left in town can hear me. I feel so alone, here in my studio, so helpless. My only real friend at work is gone, and I think it’s all my fault. I was such a jerk. I’m sorry listeners. I need to make some things right. In the meantime, here’s today’s weather.

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Weather: “Hall of Fame” by Mission from Dog http://missionfromdog.com/

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More on the fog from Radon Canyon soon, but first we’re obligated to credit our sponsors. Besides, I’m not sure there’s anyone left in town who can hear me. Either way, today’s show is, yet again, sponsored by Capital One Financial.

I have the ad copy right here in front of me, but it’s just not the same without Deb. I tried calling her during the break, but her phone went straight to voicemail. Deb didn’t respond to any of my texts or emails or handwritten letters either.

I’ve been so inconsiderate. Maybe I’m not good at empathizing. Maybe I come across as rude or dismissive. I don’t mean to be, but that doesn’t excuse my behavior. Or maybe it’s much worse. Maybe because Deb is a sentient patch of haze, that she’s invisible, incorporeal, I take her for granted. I treat her like she’s not human. I mean she’s not, but i mean human as in equal, not as in species. And that’s not right.

I genuinely miss Deb. I treated our relationship like colleagues, like I was above her. I never once asked her over to dinner with my family. I never treated her to lunch. I never even talked to her in the breakroom. Mostly because I never could tell if she was there or not. But I could have asked. I could have just said aloud to a seemingly empty room: “Deb, are you there?”

DEB: What?

CECIL: Oh! You are there.

DEB: You summoned me again. I can’t do anything about that, so here I am. What do you want?

CECIL: Deb, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And I was wrong. You’ve been here for years, maybe longer than me. I don’t know. And that’s the problem. I never got to know you. I treated you like an employee, and you are, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right to talk to you like one. Deb, I’m sorry.

DEB: This job’s a little harder than it looks, isn’t it?

CECIL: Actually, no it’s super easy. Capital One Financial bought a bunch of spots, and I read their copy. Real basic stuff.

DEB: Oh.

CECIL: The point is, I missed you, because the ads aren’t the same without you. The show is not the same without you. I’m not the same without you. You’re not a co-worker, Deb. You’re a friend. And I’m sorry for taking you for granted. For not being more welcoming and appreciative.

DEB: [crying]

CECIL: Aww, I didn’t mean to make you cry.

DEB: [crying] I’m not crying, human. I’m laughing. At you. Your quivering flesh makes you weak of mind.

CECIL: It sounds like you’re crying.

DEB: [still crying] Why would I cry at something as feeble-minded as friendship. I am breathing heavily in triumph. I will return to your decrepit radio station, and I will show you how to read sponsor copy. And your pride will be crushed, puny human. And we will have lunch together every week, and sometimes invite each other over for dinner to meet our families. And I will meet your husband Carlos, and son Esteban, whom I have only seen photos of, and who is so fragile and soft with his big eyes and fat cheeks and unkempt moppy hair. And I will mock them with my very presence. And you will meet my patch of haze family: my husband Dave, and my husband Paul and my wife Paula and my spouse LJ and our 25 children and our pet sneeze Rufus. And you will cower before us. For what is a body but a curse of pain, fear and sorrow?

And, it is only out of pity for you, human, that I accept your apology.

CECIL: So you’re coming back.

DEB: [overlapping; sturdier voice] I am coming back. That is not an answer to your question. I coincidentally declared it right as you asked. This was entirely my decision.

CECIL: Great! I am very happy.

DEB: I am happy, too, but unrelated to your happiness.

CECIL: Deb, would you do me the honor of reading the ad copy?

DEB: Fine.

CECIL: Oh yay. [sound of paper rustling] Here are the talking points that—

DEB: I do not need your papered memorandum!

[in normal ad-read voice] Today’s show is brought to you by Capital One Financial. Capital One Financial sees you. They hear you. They feel you. Capital One Financial is proud of you. Proud of who you have become. Capital One Financial thinks it has become better for having known you, too. Capital One Financial knows times are hard, but together you put in emotional labor to make this relationship better. Capital One Financial is so happy, but they know that love is never stagnant. Love cannot stand upon its own laurels. Love is ever changing. Capital One Financial wants to share your love with more than just you. Capital One Financial wants to get a dog, maybe two dogs. Capital One Financial was thinking a bigger dog, like a Pitbull or a Greyhound rescue. But Capital One Financial is open to smaller breeds as well. As long as it’s adopted. Capital One Financial wants a “Who Rescued Who” bumper sticker and a Hybrid compact SUV. Capital One Financial loves you so much. But sometimes they feel selfish keeping this love only to themselves. What do you think? Capital One Financial already put in an application at the shelter. Capital One Financial: Don’t be mad, but we got a dog.

CECIL: Oh Deb, that was beautiful.

DEB: Beauty is a human construct, Cecil.

CECIL: Wait. I’m sorry to interrupt, Deb, but it looks like the fog is clearing up. Yes, I can see it dissipating, drifting away. The streets are visible. People are emerging from their homes and offices. It’s a sunny, clear day. Everyone is alive and safe and happy. Wow, Deb, it’s almost like a metaphor.

DEB: What do you mean?

CECIL: Well, the fog. It was a metaphor for you and me. For our relationship. Like, we let our feelings cloud our reason. We couldn’t hear or see each other, and it could have caused great harm, but once we were able to communicate, it all cleared up.

DEB: It’s not a metaphor.

CECIL: Simile?

DEB: For cryin’ out loud, Cecil. Where do I live?

CECIL: I actually don’t know.

DEB: Radon Canyon. And what is a fog?

CECIL: A fog is uh..

DEB: It's a patch of haze, Cecil, yah. Geez, I thought I was dense. Ya had me in a real stinker of a mood today. I got the holler tail, and had to let off some steam, really make people miserable. Misery loves company, don’tcha know. But I’m feeling tons better now.

CECIL: I’m so thankful. Hey, you want to grab lunch after this?

DEB: Sure. Joel Eisenberg lost his great aunt last weekend, and he’s real sad. Maybe we could go over to his place and feed on his desolation?

CECIL: There’s also a new salad place just opened up on Somerset.

DEB: That’s fine too.

CECIL: Thank you Deb. I missed you.

DEB: Okay, human.

CECIL: And that’s our show. Thank you for listening, and stay tuned next for…

DEB: [ahem]

CECIL: What?

DEB: You gotta unsummon me. I need to go home and get changed.

CECIL: Oh. Sure. Ow! There you go. Bye, Deb! See you at lunch!

Stay tuned next for coyotes. Just oodles of coyotes.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: It takes a village. Who knows what it will take next? Be safe.