Like sands through the hourglass so are the days of our lives, in that they’re tiny and tumbling out of control. Welcome to Night Vale.

First up, a quick notice: The Mahalla family is requesting the return of a one particular VHS tape. Now you might remember that the Mahalla family used to run the video rental annex in the Ralph’s back in the 90s. We all enjoyed browsing their shelves, looking at cardboard boxes that promised more than most could deliver. Wondering, if we were children, at the mystery that lay behind the little curtained corner, and feeling, if we were adults, a little embarrassed as we passed the threshold of that curtain. All of that ended after the Blockbuster hordes rode through town, the terrible thunder of their hooves ringing out for miles around, burning every independent video store to the ground. That should have been it for the U-View VHS & Laser Disc Rental Annex, but according to the Mahalla family, there is one loose thread to this story that is of deep concern to us all.

“Yeah, there’s a VHS copy of Heat that we lent out the day before Blockbuster invaded and left us with ashes and grief,” explained Lakshmi (pronounced LUCK-shmee) Mahalla. “And it’s really important that we get it back. Super important,” she concluded, hissing from a shadowy corner in my studio. Not sure how she got in here.

Unfortunately, the records of who rented out the tape were lost when the annex was burned, so please keep an eye out. It is a regular VHS copy of Heat, in the plastic green case with the U-View name and logo. If found, please return to the Mahalla family immediately, or just hand it to the nearest owl. They’ll know what to do with it.

More on this if there is more on this, but first:

The City of Night Vale and the Sheriff’s Secret Police are scrambling in the wake of the recent verdict in the case of the Family of Frank Chen vs Night Vale. The verdict, as I’m sure you remember, required that the City provide the family of the murder victim, Frank Chen, with one living Frank Chen, in exactly the condition he was before, you know, the murder. Failing this, after one year, control of the city will be turned over exclusively to the family of Frank Chen.

The City Council has charged Sheriff Sam with the task of returning a living Frank Chen to his family. The Sheriff has been delving deep into the resurrectionist arts, and they are exploring every avenue possible.

First they hired some folks that went by the job title “resurrection men”, which seems like it would be related, but it turns out their actual work was unhelpful and frankly pretty gross. The city asked them to leave.

Second, they have considered the simple matter of time travel. This obviously is the most straight forward. All they would need to do is go back in time, collect Frank Chen from the moment right before he was going to get murdered, and bring him to the future. Unfortunately, after our last brush with the future, that whole frozen brain scam, all time machines in Night Vale were declared forbidden and destroyed, except one that was placed in the Museum of Forbidden Technology. The Sheriff demanded to use that one, but apparently even they are not allowed to enter the Museum, because it is forbidden.

After that, the focus of the Sheriff’s efforts turned to magick - but not just any magic… the kind with a K at the end. They acquired several rare grimoires at a dusty, old bookstore on Wormwood Avenue. No one could remember the bookstore being there before. In fact, no one could remember there being a Wormwood Avenue in Night Vale at all, but there it was, an old fashioned main street with a general store and a butcher shop and of course, the Sightless Eye Used and Rare Books. When an officer of the Sheriff’s Secret Police asked to purchase tomes of spells and power, the owner of the bookstore merely cackled and handed the requested volumes over for free. “You will find,” she whispered, “that the price is built into the practice.”

“Right,” said the officer. “Well, you have a nice day then.” But he realized the bookstore owner was no longer there, nor was the bookstore, nor Wormwood Avenue. He was just standing alone in the Sand Wastes, holding a stack of ancient books.

I’m sure that will turn out fine.

The Mahalla family have asked me to reiterate how important it is that we find that VHS copy of Heat, last seen in 1998 when it was rented by an unknown party moments before the video rental annex was burned down.

“If we don’t find it,” Pulavan (pronounced pool-LEHV-en) Mahalla explained, “the consequences could be dire.” “Dire,” he repeated, while hanging upside down from my studio ceiling. Again, not clear how he got in here, but it sounds like it’s in all of our interests to try to find that tape.

I know it might be hard to pick out a single VHS among all the VHS tapes around your house. Who amongst us isn’t constantly digging through VHS tapes, thinking, huh, what should I watch tonight? But just keep an eye out for that classic U-View sleeve, with their lovable hand-drawn mascot, Lenny Laserdisc, with his grimacing face cautioning us to “Rewind or Regret”.

Oh man, I loved the U-View Rental Annex. They even had a little popcorn machine. And sure, the popcorn was nearly inedible, brutally salty and always tasting a little of stale oil. But I still loved to get a bag and munch it on my way home, green U-View VHS sleeve under my arm. Not Heat though. I’m pretty confident I never rented Heat. I was more of a musical and horror movie fan. Preferably, a musical horror movie, like Cats.

Let’s have a look at today’s horoscopes.

LEO: Stop itching it. I think you’re just making it worse. Oooh, that color is definitely not good. You should have a doctor look at that. Doctors love to look at gross things.

VIRGO: Word to the wise: Pelican. That’s this month’s password to get into the club where the wise people hang out. If you don’t know where the club is, then well, probably isn’t meant for you. Maybe hang out at the TGI Fridays instead.

LIBRA: Everything you needed was inside you all along. You only had to look within. Use a surgical scalpel and this flashlight. The stuff you’re looking for will be in a blue velvet bag. Good luck.

SCORPIO: The fates would like you to know that while your scones are definitely delicious, they are maybe a little dry. Just a little more milk, maybe? It is fated that you make less dry scones, ok Steve?

SAGITTARIUS: While usually “How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?” is a fun children’s riddle, today it will become, for you, a life or death question.

CAPRICORN: You will achieve your dreams. Every single night, you will fall asleep, and achieve dreaming your dreams. Good job! Everything else is up in the air, but at least you have that.

AQUARIUS: This one just says “What’s the worst that could happen?” and “How hard can it be?”

PISCES: Follow your passions. Success is entirely based on luck and generational wealth, so you might as well.

ARIES: Winking smile emoji. Graveyard emoji. Thumbs up emoji. 100 emoji.

TAURUS: Today will be a good day. Not necessarily for you, but for someone, surely.

GEMINI: In answer to your next five questions: 1. Yes 2. At the bottom of the sea. 3. An off-brand lemon soda. 4. No, no, please no. 5. Your twin brother, Phillípe

CANCER: No horoscope today. Your fate is boundless. The world is yours. Sounds terrifying. Better you than me.

A quick news bulletin. The Night Vale 51st Annual Rodeo has been canceled, due to the fact that it has never happened before, we weren’t sure who planned and announced it, and there didn’t seem to be any venue or animals organized for the event. There just were fliers everywhere advertising the Night Vale 51st Annual Rodeo, at the Flakey O’s Expo Center, which also doesn’t exist. The address given led to the old gas station on Oxford Street, where a man sat in a low plastic lounge chair, chewing on a straw and answering any query with a tired “yeeup”. Given that no Rodeo had ever happened in Night Vale, and no one seems to have actually planned one this year, the Night Vale 51st Annual Rodeo has been canceled. Thank you for your attention.

So I’ve been digging through my old VHS tapes. Wow, haven’t looked at some of these in a while. The Day The Earth Stood Still. A classic. The Day The Earth Went Really Fast. Kind of a disappointing sequel. Day Earth Still: Hobbs & Shaw. A surprisingly decent spin-off. But no, none of these seem to be Heat. Lakshmi Mahalla would like me to remind you that finding this tape is of the utmost importance. She declines to give details, or to explain how she got into the vents here at the station, but she does keep hissing “utmost importance” at me.

Dana Cardinal, former mayor of Night Vale, put out a request on the Night Vale Nextdoor to see if anyone had seen the tape. Someone immediately answered “Yes!!!!!!!” with seven exclamation marks but then replied again 30 seconds later “Sorry, my mistake, I was looking at my cat, Earnest, and got mixed up.”

Another reply suggested that perhaps the tape got accidentally returned to the Night Vale Public Library. A few people half-heartedly began to organize an expedition into the library to check, but since the VHS & Laser Disc Media section is reportedly one of the most active hunting grounds for librarians, the planning quickly petered out.

Please, Night Vale. I’m not sure why it’s important, but it seems important. If you have the VHS copy of Heat, last seen at the Mahalla family’s rental annex in the Ralph’s, contact the station immediately.

And now for a Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Today we’re going to learn about mold. Mold might seem scary and gross, but it actually serves many necessary functions.

Did you know that the very first antibiotics were made from mold? It’s true. Did you know that the best way to tell if jam has gone bad is to see if it has mold on it? Also true. How would we know not to eat bad jam or protect ourselves from bacteria without mold? Mold doesn’t seem so gross anymore, does it?

That wasn’t very nice of you, holding ill-thoughts about mold. You were wrong, and you owe mold an apology. Face the part of your location most likely to have mold. (Hint: That’s probably a kitchen or a bathroom, but if you’re outdoors, well good news the spores are likely floating in the air all around you.) And say out loud: “I’m sorry mold. I’m sorry for disrespecting you.” Offer to shake its hand, and then remember that it doesn’t have anything like a human body and apologize again for your insensitive offer.

Good. This is your first step in making things right with mold.

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

And now a word from our sponsors.

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This message is brought to you by Coke Zero Cherry Vanilla. Abandon old gods.

A huge lead has been found on the search for that all important VHS copy of Heat. It seems that Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, has what he thinks might be the tape in question. It no longer is in its rental store sleeve, having been found in a loose bin of tapes that Larry had in his storage shed with the label “Miscellaneous Sequential Storytelling.” But he has vague memories of being excited by the name of the movie, as he had misread it as Heath, and thought it was a gritty live action reboot of America’s favorite comic strip cat. Instead, it was just some long boring movie about men yelling at each other at diners, and he had tossed it aside. He said he had planned to return it the next day, but when he went back to the video annex in the Ralphs, the annex had been left a burnt out shell, strewn with the hawkish banners of the Blockbuster Horde, and a sign from Ralphs that said “Oopsie. Under Construction. Come back soon.” and a little apologetic smiley face.

Lakshmi and Pulavan Mahalla are rushing over to verify if this is indeed the tape they seek. Oh, this is so exciting. What great and cursed reason could they have for needing this particular object? While we wait to find out, let us find out now, about the weather.

[weather: “Prodigal“ by David Wirsig https://davidwirsig.bandcamp.com/]

Brother and sister, Pulavan and Lakshmi, the last of the Mahalla family -- the rest reposed eternally in Rattlesnake Rest Cemetery -- gathered around the tiny TV in Larry Leroy’s home office, next to a picture of Larry’s adult children taken three thanksgivings earlier, and a handbuilt model of the Starship Enterprise with a nice little stand and working transporter beams.

Silently, Pulavan pushed the tape into the VCR. The click, the whir, the pop of static as the image came up. The usual FBI warning, followed by the usual CIA warning, and the usual warning from a Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency, the one that says “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???” in increasingly horrified tones for several minutes. Then that classic title card. Heat: A Cool Movie About Dudes Robbing Bros. That great soundtrack kicked in, you know, the one that’s like (hums a little of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star) That one.

But then, something unexpected. The screen went black. Blipped a couple times. And up came a video of a man playing piano. He was playing Moondance, and singing along to it. His voice was smooth as whipped chocolate, as sturdy as a concrete foundation. He was sitting in a living room, kids wrestling and laughing on the carpet below.

Both Pulavan and Lakshmi began to weep, holding each other by the shoulder. “Our father,” Lakshmi explained. “This is the only video we have left of him. Our mom accidentally taped over this copy of Heat, and then somehow it ended up back in our stock, and was rented out. After our parents died, we thought we had lost them forever. If this little piece of them really was left, somewhere out there, then we just needed to find i. Nothing could be more important.”

On the footage, a woman puts down the camera and joins the man by the piano. She sings along, as the kids laugh, and those same kids, now adults hunched over Larry Leroy’s tiny TV, laugh as well. A distant echo of remembered joy. And for one more time, the Mahalla family was together again.

Larry Leroy said they could obviously have the tape, but he would like a new VHS copy of Heat in exchange. Fair is fair.

Stay tuned next for a sudden loss of gravity. Maybe hold on to something.

Good night, Night Vale. Good night.