One man’s search for justice about one family’s search for justice about one dragon’s search for justice for one man. That’s right. It’s the final episode of Bloody Laws, Bloody Claws. This is the verdict.

[bloody claws theme]

Welcome back to another episode of Bloody Laws, Bloody Claws: The Murder of Frank Chen. I am, as always, your host Cecil Palmer. This is our, wow, 722nd episode, can you believe we’ve only been doing this since December? And this is likely to be our final episode as today Judge Chaplin is scheduled to issue her long-awaited verdict. We’re going to bring this verdict to you live, but of course this is a podcast not community radio, so you will later download that live recording by which point it will not be live. I’m not 100% up on all this tech stuff, but wow is the money better in true crime podcasting than community radio. Who knew, right? I was very surprised.

If this is your first time joining us on Bloody Laws, Bloody Claws, welcome welcome. For the best experience you really should start at episode one and listen to all 721 previous episodes in order, but I’m sure the Chen Friends, as my fans call themselves, will welcome you in and let you know what’s been going on. Join them on the discord and the twitch chat and the subreddit and the patreon. I have no idea what any of those things are, but I’ve been told firmly by my producer that you cannot make anything now without having all of those things. In the meantime, let’s get to a quick recap of the case.

So this story, as you Chen Friends know, goes all the way back, if you can believe it, to 2012. Put yourself in that moment in time. Annette Benning is president (and don’t I wish that was still the case). Yo-yos are big again. No one would be caught dead in jorts, not like today in which, due to new city ordinances, you can be dead if caught without them. And a five headed dragon named Hiram McDaniels is pulled over while driving a pick-up truck that belongs to a human man named Frank Chen. When asked for ID, Hiram hands over Frank’s drivers license, and explains that he is normal human Frank Chen. The police have no reason to doubt Hiram, and so they let him go. But later that day, the real Frank Chen’s body is found, covered in burns and large claw marks. Just what happened to Frank Chen? Who killed him? And what does Hiram McDaniels, literal five headed dragon, have to do with all this? That’s what we’ve been trying to find out, in the metaphorical pages of this literal podcast.

When criminal charges never came, and Hiram McDaniels fled town after the death of one of his five heads, the family of Frank Chen turned to the civil courts for justice. They filed suit against Hiram McDaniels, as well as the city of Night Vale and the Sheriff’s Secret Police for negligence in the investigation. This suit has gone on for almost a year now, and it has taken a heavy toll on this town, making us dwell on an ugly and murderous chapter in our history. On the other hand, it turns out a true crime podcast about an active case is basically printing money, so it’s not all bad.

Which reminds me, we need to get to our first sponsor. Our sponsor today is FruitBox. It’s a box of fruit. Comes in the mail once a week. You don’t get to choose the fruit. Might be eight apples and a kiwi. Might only be one banana. You do NOT get to choose the fruit. We don’t even choose the fruit. We just close our eyes and throw it in there at random from a big fruit pile we keep in our office, and then we seal the box without looking. If we miss the box with our eyes closed, which does sometimes happen, then the box will be empty. Sorry, that’s just part of the deal. No refunds. But why shop in a store, or online, or at all? Subscribe today to FruitBox, using offer code BLOODYLAWSBLOODYCLAWSTHEMURDEROFFRANKCHEN that’s in all caps, one word, 3s replace the E’s, and you’ll get 10% off your first box of fruit. FruitBox. What’s in the box? What’s in the box?!? Relax buddy, it’s just fruit.

Now, as usual at this point in our podcast, let’s bring in our legal expert to talk us through the intricate matters of jurisprudence involved in a big case like this. So I turn it over to our legal expert, the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home:

FOW: Thank you, Cecil.

In order to properly consider this case, one must look at the full history of Dragon Law.

The first recorded legal case involving dragons was in the year 706, in which a dragon ate most of a shepherd’s flock, and the shepherd went to his local chieftain with the complaint. The chieftain ruled that it was absolutely aggravating what the dragon did, but at that point the dragon had flown off and there was nothing much anyone could do about it.

The next case was in 1291, in which a dragon sued to get her cave back from a local lord who had begun to stripmine the cave for iron. The dragon explained that the clanging and banging was interrupting her sleep habits, and she wanted them out of there, or else. The specifics of her “or else” was made imminently clear when she huffed a white hot burst of flame from her nostrils. Unfortunately for her, courts at that time were judged by the local lords, and he ruled against her in the case of her vs. him. Unfortunately for him, she made good on her “or else” and burned him to a crisp, at which point the miners were all freed from their cruel labors and celebrated the death of the tyrant. So that one worked out pretty well.

The last case I want to point to is from 1971, in which it was ruled that incorporeal, ghostly, or otherwise inhuman beings are allowed to live in homes, secretly or otherwise, no matter the wishes of those they are haunting. This doesn’t have anything to do with dragons, but it’s a case that is very important to me, for reasons I will whisper in your ear tonight as you toss and turn, wishing with all your heart for sleep that will never come.

CECIL: Thanks Faceless Old Woman. Fascinating. Say, where did you study law?

FOW: I’ve never studied law, but I’ve spent centuries on the wrong side of it. That teaches you everything you need to know.

CECIL: Makes total sense and I have no further questions. Let’s move on.

Coming from community radio, I wasn’t aware of the larger world of podcasts. Did you know that 90% of podcasts are now multimedia empires? It’s true, or at least according to my new agent. I’ve never met her, but she promises that I’ll be rich beyond my wildest dreams. I merely had to supply my bank information to her and she would make sure that money would come raining in. Which it hasn’t yet. If anything, my account seems a little smaller. But she explained that this is just a glitch, and that the big bucks are coming. She kept shouting “the big bucks are coming” over and over until I had to hang up.

In any case, she said she’s gotten me a book deal. My book in progress is called Hiram: Portrait of A Five Headed Murderer. Also I’m developing a TV show that is going to be on Fritz, the new streaming channel only available in smart refrigerators. And we’re planning a 60 city speaking tour, in which I will be reenacting what I think happened to Frank Chen using puppets and the voice acting classes at the community center that Carlos got me for my birthday.

So many exciting new steps in my new career. I wonder what my agent’s name is. I never did ask. Probably not important.

Now, it’s time, before we reach the verdict, to exhaustively go through the evidence, one by one. Pick through it, discuss what we think it means. Maybe bring on a few more experts to chat about each item. This could take a while. First up--

CARLOS: [off-mic through this] Hey sweetie. Are you recording your show again?

CECIL: [remains on-mic] Yes, you’re on it right now. They’re listening.

CARLOS: But you can edit this out right? Because podcasts aren’t live.

CECIL: I don’t know what “edit” means.

CARLOS: Ok, I just wanted to let you know that I made lunch. It’s pasta salad, just the way you like it. Dry and crunchy.

CECIL: That’s so sweet Carlos. But I can’t leave right now. The verdict is about to happen.

CARLOS: No, I get it. That’s why I brought it to you.

CECIL: Thanks my little tortoise.

CARLOS: Enjoy. Say hi to your Frank Bunch

CECIL: Chen Friends

CARLOS: Sure, say hi to them. And you should definitely edit this bit out. I’ll show you how later.

CECIL: I can’t imagine what that entails. Goodbye sweetie.

Ok, it’s time for our second sponsor. Got to pay the bills. No such thing as a free lunch. Unless your sweet husband brings you pasta salad at the courthouse while you’re recording your podcast. In that case, lunch is free.

Today’s sponsor is MeUndies. Think about the first person in history who intentionally made a fire. It’s possible that this was far enough back it wasn’t technically a person, as in a homo sapien, it could have been a neanderthal. Flame sprang from their actions, an idea made hot and tangible. Where before they had to wait for fire to start by an accident of nature, and then to save those coals for their use, now fire was theirs to be had whenever they needed. I bet cooked food has never tasted so good, not before nor since.

Think of them lying in the grass, watching over their little fire, like it was a child, because like a child, if it was not watched over and tended correctly, it could grow to be big and dangerous. Think of the pure joy of starting a fire.

MeUndies: It’s underwear, you know?

Oh, it looks like the big moment is here. Judge Chaplin has arrived and is setting up for her verdict reveal. She’s seeding the room with some hidden aces and flowers so that she can make them appear later, and I think there might be wires leading to the ceiling for some kind of levitation portion of the show.

While she does that, let’s go, as we always go at this point in an episode of Bloody Laws, to an unrelated song.

[weather: “The Ghost Who Wasn’t There“ by A Sunday Fire http://asundayfire.bandcamp.com]

I come to you part way into Judge Chaplin’s verdict. We’ve made it through most of the floor show, and she is just finishing up sawing the bailiff in half, so we should get to the legal meat of it soon. Ooooh, ok, I did not expect doves to fly out of the bailiff like that. Very impressive. Maybe the most impressive verdict I’ve seen since Judge Houdini sentenced fifteen petty thieves in consecutive trials to community service, all the while escaping from a padlocked mail sack dropped to the bottom of the Vltava river [pronounced VUHL-tuh-vuh].

But now we’ve reached the decisive moment. Judge Chaplin is indicating that whoever has the king of hearts in their breast pocket is the winning side. Both legal teams are patting themselves down. And it’s…the family of Frank Chen. The Judge has found in favor of the plaintiff. The court is chattering, and one guy with a podcast is loudly narrating everything as it happens, so the judge is banging her gavel for order.

She finds that the City of Night Vale, the Sheriff’s Secret Police, Hiram McDaniels, and an omniscient conception of God are all responsible in their own way for the death of Frank Chen and the subsequent lack of justice for his murderer. Hiram McDaniels fled town years ago, and no one has any idea where he is. And God hasn’t been seen around here since at least the 70s, so it looks like the brunt of the responsibility is going to come down on the City and the Police.

It has come time to award damages. Judge Chaplin explains that she believes in a simple kind of justice. That the best way to make things whole is to rectify the situation directly, and so the family of Frank Chen is owed…Frank Chen’s life. They are owed one living Frank Chen, until the date of his natural death, whenever that was supposed to be. If they fail to produce this within one calendar year, all of their assets, including the town of Night Vale, will be turned over to the family of Frank Chen.

Listeners, this is unprecedented. I am unclear how a city is supposed to bring a man who has been dead for eight years back to life, and it seems the city does not know either. But honestly, it’s a fair verdict. The City of Night Vale’s lawyers are looking at each other with their hands in their hair, shaking their heads, and mouthing things like “But that’s impossible” and “I really didn’t expect this trial to turn out this way.”

Oh this is so exciting. It will take me at least another year of this podcast to properly analyze the verdict and its implications. And of course to follow the City and Sheriff’s Secret Police as they attempt to delve into the ultimate mystery of life and death, in order to fulfill the court’s judgment. Thank god. I was really wondering what I was going to do if I lost this podcast income. I had gotten used to the lavish podcast lifestyle and wasn’t ready to return to the simple hermitage of community radio just yet.

This wraps it up for the not-final episode of Bloody Laws, Bloody Claws. All of you Chen Friends join me for my usual four hour behind the scenes commentary episode on our patreon, in which I analyze my analysis in this episode.

And as I always say at the end of this podcast:

That about does it for me, Night Vale. That about does it for me.