Fake it till you make it. Mic it till you like it. Book it till you look it. Welcome to Night Vale.

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More soldiers of the Blood Space War have returned home to Night Vale. Another craft landed in the cornfield of John Peters, you know, the farmer? Beings of astonishing structure emerged alongside four human figures in space suits. The astronauts removed their helmets to reveal they are Night Vale residents James Peters (you know, the brother of John Peters, you know the farmer?), twins Drew and Dan Christensen, and Junior Blais.

These veterans of the interstellar conflict were welcomed by the citizens of Night Vale with hugs, a brass band, and delicious unsold baked goods left over from last month's PTA Bake Sale to support the Blood Space War.

The returning soldiers thanked the gathering, but warned Night Vale of the Polonian armies of Star System Lacaille 9-3-5-2 [pronounce Luh KYE yuh], who are encroaching at this moment upon our own galaxy.

Admiral Junior Blais of the 63rd Mounted Cavalry said the Polonians are ruthless killers. They are three times the size of humans with hundreds of sharp teeth up and down their many boneless limbs. They have only one eye, which really messes up their depth perception, Blais said, but that eye can also shoot out lasers, so it's sort of 6 one way half dozen the other.

The crowd did not hear most of what the veterans had to say, as they were mesmerized by the beings of astonishing structure standing atop the landing ramp of their disc-shaped craft.

"Oh those," Sergeant Dan Christensen said. "They're our allies. They're from the battlestation Wolfgang. They have no home planet, as it was destroyed millennia ago by the Polonians."

The crowd pointed and shouted "Interlopers of Astonishing Structure!" at the beings, but Lieutenant Drew Christensen said, "They have no oral or written language. They cannot understand your noises." Drew then did a kind of b-boy, pop-n-lock dance move and the beings of astonishing structure replied with a balletic prance before entering their ship and departing.

"They said 'Thanks but this place is weird,'" Drew Christensen interpreted for the crowd.

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Dan and Drew Christensen were born in Night Vale in 1912. They became tax accountants. They had wives and children. They donated to the old Night Vale Opera House and were avid sports fans. They even started the first ever semi-pro Sand Hockey league.

Dan passed away in 1994 of liver cancer, and Drew passed away weeks later of a heart attack. They were survived by their wives, children, and grandchildren. But upon returning to Night Vale this week, these 107-year-old men looked to be in their late 20s.

The Christensen twins have attempted to reunite with their families, but they were unrecognizable to their grandchildren, who are now middle-aged. And when Dan and Drew tried to apply for jobs they were declined on account of an antiquated law that makes it illegal to hire the dead.

Junior Blais, a 50 year old man, said he was born in 2022 to Oliver and Linda Blais of Old Town Night Vale. The Blais family was contacted about this and said they had not planned to ever have children, so Junior will likely have been an accident or a dramatic change of heart.

Blais was wounded in his first combat assignment, and returned home for treatment. He suffered 3rd degree burns across his abdomen and arms and needs a skin graft, but the Night Vale VA has to wait on approval from the Red Mesa VA to clear his procedure, which could take weeks.

Jim Peters was honorably discharged from service, and was heavily decorated with chevrons and medals. But his face sagged with exhaustion and history. His brother John was the first to greet him, but Jim could not match his brother's tearful enthusiasm. Jim had seen too much, experienced too much, to ever feel normal again.

In light of the physical, financial, and spiritual crush on these men, the City Council announced that it would paint a giant American flag atop City Hall and play John Philip Sousa's famous patriotic march "Bodak Yellow" at all hours of the day over a loudspeaker. And the whole town cheered proudly, for they were truly taking care of our vets.

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Let's have a look now at sports.

The Night Vale High School wheelchair basketball team, captained by junior point guard Janice Palmer, won their semi-final game last night against Cactus Park High School 72-58. Forward Quinn Buhman [pronounced BOO-man] led the team with 20 points, and also had 8 rebounds and 10 assists.

The Scorpions fell behind by 16 points in the first half, but really found their inspiration at halftime. Coach Jacobite [pronounced Jacob-ite] McFee told his team not to get down on themselves, because it's impossible to make every single shot. You just have to have fun. McFee then took out an acoustic guitar and sang the following original song:

Physics is a science of
made-up numbers and rules
We can only make joy and
Pass the ball like fools
But when it leaves our hands
Our free will is through
Because You never ever know
What that ball is gonna do

The team relinquished their illusion of control and dominated the second half offensively.

The Scorpions face Pine Cliff this Saturday afternoon in the District Tournament final, so let's all get out there and support our team, really root for the ball to go into the… thing that the ball is supposed to go into.

This has been sports.

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Senior Strategic Advisor Jameson Archibald at the Intergalactic Military Headquarters, speaking from an inflatable raft atop an infinity pool filled with Rémy Martin Black Pearl Cognac, said he and his top strategists in the Intergalactic Military Headquarters still have no idea what the Blood Space War is about, but they're glad to learn that the Polonian armies are approaching.

"We've got all this money piling up for war, and we're getting bored with hosting Lamborghini Demolition Derbies," Archibald said. "The government keeps sending us cash and we're like 'okay, y'all, but like what are we supposed to do with it?' and the feds are all like 'i don't care. start a war or something.'"

But unfortunately, the government allotment for an interstellar war was wiped out on a failed investment in a tech startup that was pitched to them as “the Uber of Netflix of Facebook” by a 7-year-old wearing a suit. So the Intergalactic Military Headquarters was forced to ask for contributions, hence the PTA Bake Sales. Additionally, the Sheriff's Secret Police was able to provide several armored combat vehicles, two tons of enriched uranium and a satellite-activated missile-launching system, all of which had been donated to the Secret Police by the US Army.

Sheriff Sam said they had wanted to keep all that high tech battle gear, but using a nuclear submarine to stop Night Vale citizens who were fishing without a license created what Sheriff Sam referred to as "less than satisfactory optics."

Archibald said he was appreciative of the Secret Police's charity, but he just received word that the Polonian ships are already within the outer limits of our solar system, so not sure there's much left to do really. He then he took out a roll of $100 bills from his shirt pocket and ate it like a Snickers bar.

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An update on the high school basketball tournament

The City Council announced that there will be a parade for the team, win or lose, next Tuesday evening. The parade will feature giant floats in the shapes of famous basketball players, such as Oscar Robertson, Larry Bird, and Lil Bow Wow. There will also be a celebrity appearance by Lee Marvin, who will be celebrating his 30th birthday on Tuesday. Aww, happy birthday Mr. Marvin.

The City Council expressed civic pride in this talented team of young athletes and enjoined all of Night Vale to come out in celebration of sportsmanship, regardless of the outcome of the championship game. "Of course," the single-bodied entity of the City Council said with uncharacteristic mirth, "we think our team will win." The City Council's many faces then winked in unison.

"Also," the City Council added, "if you look up in the sky, you'll see that a large chunk of the moon just exploded, and the earth is surrounded by enemy spacecraft. But there's not much we can do about that, so let's just cheer on our basketball team." The City Council then held up their many fists and squealed "Yay team" as pieces of the moon began to thunder down around us.

Let's go now to today's weather.

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WEATHER: “No Good Day” by Windows to Sky

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I've just received an email from Harrison Kip, archeology professor at Night Vale Community College. Kip told me that while on a dig in 1993, he and his team of researchers found remnants of several space craft buried deep in central Nevada. Kip was studying fossilized remains to determine eating habits of early North American inhabitants, but what he found were several triangular titanium vessels each roughly the size and shape of a Burger King. He tried to check his notes from that excursion, but those pages had been torn out of his journal.

Despite this, he's positive the ships he can see above our earth are identical to the ones he found crashed in the desert 25 years ago. Inside those ships were creatures the size of hippos with long, dangling limbs covered in sharp teeth. Kip remembers calling the college to ask for more funding for this research, but before he could do anything, a black van drove up to the dig site, and several men wearing business suits that were patterned in desert camouflage got out. They arrested Kip and his assistants and had them reprogrammed.

Kip said the reprogramming was successful until today when he heard my news reports about the Polonians. His memories suddenly returned to him. And now he believes he knows exactly what has happened in the Blood Space War and how we will end it. He's going to type up his notes while they're still fresh in his mind and get them over to me, asap.

Oh this is so exciting. Science saves the day once again!

Aha, here's a followup email from Harrison. It says: "Hey Cecil. Disregard whatever I said earlier. I don't even remember what it was. Some guys I didn't know showed up and put a metal helmet on me. There were a bunch of wires and knobs and lights coming out of it, and then I felt so peaceful and comfortable, like when you're eating belgian waffles with ice cream while binge-watching Terrace House. Anyway, don't remember what I sent you earlier, and all my emails have been deleted, so whatever it was, couldn't have been that important. SIncerely, Harrison."

No. This is terrible. Okay, I'm going to forward Harrison's first email back to him to see if it re-jogs his memory. We've got to learn exactly what...

[speaking to someone in the room] Hello there.

Listeners there are some men entering my studio. They're wearing business suits made from a desert camouflage-patterned fabric. (So Gucci! I love it!) They're putting this crazy hat on me. It has a bunch of lights and wires.

Hang on, Night Vale. Listen to this interview I recorded earlier today with John Peters, you know the farmer? These boys here are trying to get me ready for fashion week, I think.

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JOHN PETERS: Jim came home this week, and I was real happy. Happier than a pig starring in his own tv show about pig detectives solving pig murders.

My brother taught me to play football when we was boys. He'd throw the ball and say "Johnny move your hands together like salad tongs when the ball gets near you. That's called ‘Catch.’"

And I tried so hard to catch the ball, but I never could. We had fun. Jim taught me so much and he took care of me, running off the bullies at school and buying me soda pops and candy canes from this man who lived in the trunk of a broken down ‘56 Chevy in the alley behind the post office.

I'm almost 60 years old, and my older brother left for the war back when I was 15. And to see him again. Boy, to see his face after so long. He ain't changed one bit. He literally is the same age as when he left. 22 years old.

But he's not the same Jim. He don't want to throw the football or go looking for discount sodas and candy in weird alleys. No, Jim looks sad. His body is strong, but his mind seems so weak. I saw him crying the other day, and I told him what our pop always said to us. "Jim, boys don't cry. Not without talking through their feelings with someone else."

So I put my arm around young Jim. I must have looked like a granddad, me so old, and him so young, but our memories of each other were the same age. Jim cried into my shirt and said "Johnny, I've been in that war for darn near 100 years. It's a lot of space travel, not a lot of fighting, but when there is fighting, it's gruesome."

Jim said he didn't want to see no more war, but he said in his last battle he risked his life to disarm a bomb that would have killed 10 of his fellow soldiers. And one of them was The General.

"The General has a plan for a ceasefire," Jim said. "The General has a plan for peace. But I think the General needs me, Johnny."

I said, "Jimbo, I need you." But I knew that I had been without him for 40 years, while this General was with him for nearly 100. I knew I was lying to Jim and to myself.

Jim hugged my neck and kissed my cheek. He donned his space suit and walked out into the cornfield and disappeared. I think my brother is going to save us all.

Anyway, it's a sad story, but it's also happy. Like a goat playing a piano, stories carry lots of different emotions all at once.

CECIL: All right, listeners, I'm back. I don't remember what I was talking about, nor where I got this really cool hat, but City Council announced that the space ships that were surrounding our planet are gone. But they were deeply unnerved by the fact that the ships did not retreat. They simply disappeared. The City Council then added that the moon is still broken, but honestly they see this as a crisi-tunity [note: portmanteau of crisis & opportunity] to buy a new one.

And don't forget to come to the basketball championship parade on Tuesday.

Stay tuned next for simultaneous panic and relief as you realize all of your emails are gone.

Good night , Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: Develop your chi. Really work that chi hard. Get six-pack chi. Totally swole with chi. Roll up those sleeves and welcome people to the chi show.