CECIL: As a matter of fact, the facts don’t matter. Welcome to Night Vale

Listeners, it is upon us. Yes, today is the day of the blood matter from space, that extremely rare cosmological event we are all so lucky to witness. And astronomers tell us that this is going to be a big one. “Ahhhh!” the astronomers screamed from the observatory up on Cactus Hill. The astronomers gestured up at the sky with gaping eyes and lolling mouths. “Oh god oh no oh god,” they added.

Here at the station, Carlos and I are throwing a little viewing party. Lots of folks from town are in attendance, and if you’re listening, consider yourself invited. Just bring a potluck item and a friendly face, and we’ll do the rest. I would head over soon though, because of course you don’t want to be caught outside during the blood matter from space.

Pamela Winchell is here, lugging around her emergency press conference kit. She’s very excited, as she anticipates the need for a number of Emergency Press Conferences today. She also brought vegetarian sushi and I’ve scarfed down like six of those suckers.

Susan Willman only brought a plastic box of store brand chocolate chip cookies with the price tag still attached. Ok, Susan. I don’t want to be down on anyone, but she then decided to be rude about the scones that Steve Carlsburg brought. And sure, my brother Steve’s scones might be a little drier than some prefer, and maybe could use a tablespoon or three less salt, but it’s the love that is put into a food that makes it delicious, and no one holds more love in his heart than Steve. So quit ragging on him, SUSAN.

One conspicuous absence from our party today is our mayor, Dana Cardinal. She is still wanted for murder. Both of her. There now appears to be two Danas. One version of herself, the one that I have known for years, is hiding and no one has any idea at all of her location. She could be anywhere, and she is probably impossible to find.

The other Dana, the one who is a stranger to us, is out in the open. She is highly dangerous. All who have approached her to attempt an apprehension have run away injured or dead. Do you have any idea how painful it is to run while dead? Stay clear of her.

More on this situation, and on the great party we have going on here, soon.

DANA

I still believe in this town and in its people. There is good here. So much good. And I mean to expand on that good, and fight like hell against anyone endangering it.

But for now I must do that from an undisclosed location. My hosts at this secure and secret spot have been very sweet about the situation, even though their house only has one bathroom. Fortunately my arrival did help settle a long standing argument as one of my hosts had wanted to turn the guest room into a home lab and the other wanted to turn it into a home broadcast studio, but since I need a place to sleep, for now the guest room will remain a guest room. Do not come looking for me. I could be anywhere, and you’d never find me.

This situation, in which there is another version of me, hunting me, apparently looking to kill me. This is a distraction. What I did the last time I met my double, that is also a distraction. I can only look to the future, move to the future, and leave behind any choices I made in the past.

Today my new mayoral powers will become active. I understand concerns about the vast amount of personal information and power that will pass through my office, but I can only tell you that I mean the absolute best for this town. I love this place. And I would never abuse the power I have seized.

EVIL DANA

What a pitiful town. What a pitiful world. I ache for home. Here they mewl and they scramble. They die so easily. I wish anyone would put up the fight that I deserve. I would still tear them asunder, but oh to feel some fear before I kill. Just once.

But I am not here for that kind of satisfaction. I seek a deeper justice. A man in an official uniform steps up to me. He is sweating and pale, and glancing back at a line of men in suits, watching with crossed arms. One of the men in suits nods at the man in front of me, and gestures forward.

“Uh,” the sweating man says. I say nothing. I don’t even look at him. “Uh,” he says again. “Excuse me but…uh…but it seems you’re under arrest, so…” Finally I turn. He blanches.

“I have a message for your superiors,” I tell him.

“Ah. Oh,” he says. “What is it? I can tell them for you.”

“Don’t worry,” I say gently. “I’ll tell them myself right now.” Then I cut his throat. He looks so surprised. He was afraid, but never expected his fears to be fulfilled. Weakness. Pathetic. I maintain eye contact with the men in suits while the man before me whimpers away into the dirt. Once he is finally quiet, I turn and leave.

What a pitiful town. What a pitiful world. I ache for home.

CECIL

The viewing party for the blood matter from space is in full swing, and we’re all having a blast here. Pamela Winchell has had a good deal of spiked eggnog and is now having people shout out topics for emergency press conferences and then improvising the press conference based on that. It’s a lot of fun and also very loud and monopolizing the party a little, but that’s ok. Carlos is explaining some of the science behind the blood matter from space, but the truth is we just don’t know that much about what it is or why it happens and so his presentation contains more question marks and “Facts To Be Filled In Later” labels than usual. But it is ok sometimes to find something beautiful without fully understanding it, and it is undeniable that under certain aesthetic values and with a strong ability to stomach gore, the blood matter from space could be considered beautiful.

I’ve just checked in with the guest Carlos and I have at the house and she’s doing fine. No one any of you would know. A cousin of Carlos’s, from Canada. She’s doing great and feels secure that no one will find her in our guest room.

Meanwhile Station Management has emerged, terrifyingly, from its office and has gone outside, where it is standing in the street with its many mouths aimed at the sky, presumably waiting for the blood matter to descend. To be honest, I didn’t even know Station Management ate.

DANA

Others are being hurt on my behalf, and here I hide. What a terrible feeling. I don’t want anyone hurt, and certainly not because of me. And certainly not because of my cowardice. But this isn’t about me or my pride. This new regime of centralized mayoral power is about the greater good, and so I must keep the greater good in mind. Even if it disgraces me as a person, I must stay in hiding and work. Already I have received much useful information due to my authorized access to the Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency’s database, and I am using that information to better coordinate city services, and also to stop eight entirely separate doomsday cults who were independently planning on attacking the city. Uh, we have a lot of cults here. Who knew?

So I will have to see the greater good, and continue staying in this undisclosed secure location. Because it’s not about me. It’s not--

[phone rings]

Uh, hold on. Hello? Yeah. What? WHAT? No, please….I’ll be right there. I’m leaving now. I’ll be right there.

EVIL DANA

If I cannot find my weakling other, then I will make her come crawling to me. So that is why I am in this house. The older woman, and the young man, they stare at me with wide eyes. The older woman says “Why? Why?” and I tell her. I explain to her why. And she is silent and horrified. Because she cannot deny the righteousness of my cause. And then I cut her left pinky off and she starts going into that whole “Why” thing again, and I tell her that I just explained to her why. And if she’s asking why specifically I needed to remove her pinky it’s because I needed to make clear the seriousness of my purpose. That I neither wish to cause harm nor wish to avoid harm. I will cause harm as needed, to the degree it is needed. I tell her that next I will kill the young man, because it is my judgement that this order of operations would cause the most impact and lead to the fulfillment of my mission here. But she isn’t listening. She’s gawping at her hand.

“You hardly would have used that finger anyway,” I tell her, and I go to the window to wait for my double. If the possible murder of her mother and her brother in her own childhood home does not make her come to me, then I have severely misjudged myself.

CECIL

Listeners, I’m getting reports that the situation with Dana has taken an alarming and imminently tragic turn. But before we get into more of this, let’s do a quick check on the weather.

[weather: “Lemonade in the Shade” by Jeff Scroggins & Colorado]

EVIL DANA

You may judge me evil. You may judge me heartless. You may judge me however you like. That is your burden.

Here is my burden. I am Dana, as much so as that other woman. We are both ourselves completely. We simply lived in different versions of our world and so grew to become different people. This is as natural as water freezing to ice, as seeds growing to trees. It’s just less noticeable to us, since it takes place on an axis of space and time not visible to the average human. But I did not have the luxury of disregarding it.

Because once upon time, in this world, some people met themselves as a result of a certain interdimensional confusion inherent to this location. This was neither a mistake nor a disaster nor a blessing. It was just a random act of nature, no different from the sandstorm that accompanied it. But Dana, this Dana you cherish as your mayor, she met herself, and she committed murder. She killed one of us, one of the Danas. And we all felt it. To murder your own blood, to kill a you from another timeline, that is an unthinkable crime. So other Danas, we got together, and we discussed what had happened. And it was clear to us that our sister who was also us, she must stand accountable for her crime. I was the most able and warlike of all of us, having been raised in a universe in which those skills were necessary. So I was chosen to come and to make our sister responsible for her actions all those years ago.

I have been searching for her a long time. You think I wanted this? You think I don’t envy this Dana? With her friends. With her town. With her good will toward others? I did not seek vengeance. She brought this vengeance to me, and so it is my sad lot to carry it out until the end. Until I can force me to face myself.

DANA

I killed my double, or I am the double who killed the original. I have no way of knowing which. And that guilt has stuck with me ever since. It seemed to me that if I were the one who survived, then I must make that survival worthwhile by doing good for my town. But I cannot ignore my family, and so I go. I am on my way to my family’s house. Before I go, I am finalizing the transfer of power to the mayoral office. It is done. The changes to the mayor’s power are fully in effect. Of course, I don’t know how much longer I will be in effect. So let these changes stand as my legacy.

No more running. It’s time for me to face myself.

CECIL

Listeners, from the viewing party at the community radio station, I have some serious news to tell you. Which is why I’ve locked myself in this supply closet where I can get a little quiet to record with. (Please keep it down, Pamela!) I must report that the mayoral program has gone into effect. As of now, all surveillance and enforcement power in this town is run directly through the mayor’s office. May the distant lights that guide us from the upper stratosphere be with our mayor, and with our citizens. And…oh my god listeners. The blood matter from space. It’s here. It has arrived.

Oh god, it’s here.