"At least their heart's in the right place," I say, softly running my hand across a plastic take-out container. Welcome to Night Vale.

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In light of a string of armed robberies across Night Vale, the City Council today called a press conference. They announced in unison that they are greatly disturbed by this crime wave because it means they've had to put their vacation plans on hold. They really wanted to find a nice autumn spot to spend a month or two, leaf peeping, maybe kayaking if the sun's out. But no; now someone's running around town waving a gun and robbing stores.

Plus they have this new City Council member, 16-year-old Tamika Flynn, who they're trying to train. And now with all the robberies, the transition of their new member is going much more slowly. "Also," they added, "crime waves require so much paperwork, and we're way behind."

"You people," and here the Council pointed their many fingers at the gathered citizens and press. "YOU. PEOPLE."

Yesterday's robbery of the Ralphs only resulted in the theft of $72 and an endcap of Chex Party Mix. And while nobody was hurt, this was the twelfth robbery in the past week.

Weekday shift manager at the Ralphs, Charlie Bair, described the robber as a slight person with a high voice wearing coveralls and a black leather mask. The robber demanded whatever money Charlie could grab, so he emptied his bankbag of petty cash. But when he went to unlock the register which had several hundred dollars, the robber had already left.

City Council, waving their many limbs in frustration, asked for calm.

"Everything's fine," they said unconvincingly. "It's fine," they repeated, but the agitated crowd continued to scream and clutch their chests. "Please, be chill. It's going to be fine," the City Council roared with their many discordant voices from one body, but for some reason, the crowd just wasn't feeling fine.

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And now a look at sports. The Night Vale High School wheelchair basketball team defeated the Sand Plains Snake Garters 62-58 last night in the Pre-season State Basketball Tournament. This weekend they will take on the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors in the Finals.

The Lizard Monitors were the division champions last year, going undefeated in the regular season, but the Night Vale Scorpions are being led this year by sophomore point guard (and my niece), Janice Palmer.

Janice led the division last year in assists, which is a statistic of some kind. I asked my brother-in-law Steve Carlsberg, who is an offensive coach on his daughter's team, what an assist was, and he explained it. At length. But I forget exactly what he said. It made sense at the time. It’s like a numerical measure of how helpful a person is. And Janice led our division last year in helpfulness.

So here's hoping that continues. Good luck Scorpions! Go get 'em, Janice.

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And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by the new Green Market Co-Op, which just opened up on Galloway Road, between Patty's Hardware and Discount Pastries and one of those Escape the Room places where you wake up in a bathtub, chained to a pipe, and there's another person across the room also chained to a pipe, and in the middle of the room is a dead body with a gun and cassette player. I've heard those are great fun.

Green Market Co-Op owner Tristan Cortez said he opened the new store to provide a safe space for all of your produce optics and food-content transactions. Too often, the people who eat food don't know where they are or why they are, and they cry. They just sob in the middle of a store, afraid.

Well, the new Green Market Co-Op storefront on Galloway Road won't let that happen, Cortez said. He said he will be there every day to hold your hand, to nuzzle your neck with his nose, to whisper to you "don't be afraid" as he hands you an eggplant.

A quick aside listeners. Did you know that people in Europe don't call them eggplants? They call them aubergines. They also call arugula "rocket," oranges "dipdops," boston lettuce "dublin weeds," and plums "swole grapes."

Anyway, Cortez said building the new store was his daughter Camila's idea. She's an undergraduate studying business, and according to Camila's intensive research into the matter, she found having a physical location would be a huge boost in sales for a grocery store.

So come on down to the brand new Green Market Co-Op. You’re not safe anywhere but here.

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Only minutes after their initial press conference, the City Council called another press conference. There was no new news on the ongoing burglaries. They just wanted to say that it used to be different. This town. This whole area. You don't understand, they said.

"We are centuries old," the Council said, "We were born in caves far beyond this desert, and we wandered until we found a place we could call home. We swam rivers, navigated forests, even climbed mountains - yes Night Vale, there are mountains, for we have not only seen them, but crested them! And we ended up here in Night Vale. We were many-voiced, but also many-bodied then, like all of you.

"We wore crowns made of soft meat and taught ourselves magical spells and used mind control on birds," the Council continued. "We ran this town, and the people who settled here feared us. They respected us too. Respected the blank out of us. Like, respect coming out the blank. Blanking respectful as blank. You know?"

The City Council coughed slightly and asked for a can of pamplemousse La Croix from one of their aides, as they thumbed through their notes.

"But one day our magic failed us, and our many bodies became one body," the Council said, still in unison. "It was Deborah that messed up the spell."

"I did not," came a single voice from the City Council's body.

"Did too," came a different single voice.

"Your handwriting is garbage, Jermaine," said the first voice.

"Stop it, both of you," the council shouted in unison.

They continued: "And over the years, our legend, our mystique, has faded in the eyes of Night Vale. We were seen as fallible, as weak, as protectors of an old guard. And now as we witness this new face, this young Tamika Flynn, join our ranks we are reminded that the world moves on. The world is always growing older, and younger at the same time"

The City Council sighed. "I guess what we're trying to say is Millennials are ruining everything with their civic involvement, and their lack of magic, and their disregard for wearing soft meats on their heads. So entitled, this gener-"

Just then Tamika Flynn appeared at the side of the podium, and there was a long silence.

"Awkward," the city council sang.

Tamika stepped forward to say she completed the paperwork to increase temporary funding for police overtime, in light of the recent wave of robberies.

"Rad. Thanks," said the Council. "Do the young people still say 'rad?'" the council asked Tamika, who replied "I gotta get back to the mayor's office, to ask about financial relief for robbery victims" and left.

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Let's have a quick look at traffic. Last week's storms flooded the Old Cemetery down in the lowlands in Old Town Night Vale, and several human remains were washed out of their burials into Route 32.

It wasn't like skeletons or anything. I mean there were a few skeletons, and three or four really well-preserved bodies, like skin and clothing and everything, but for the most part it was just kind of a pulpy mud that blocked the road.

Transportation Department crews are still working on clearing the roadways, but it’s super gross, so the workers are vomiting a lot, which is causing motorists on Route 32 to vomit as well, which is really slowing things down.

So avoid Route 32, and take 9A instead.

This has been traffic.

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Listeners, only minutes after their last press conference, which was minutes after the first press conference, the City Council called another press conference, this time with Tamika Flynn.

They said, "We're still trying to teach this young one about how to council a city, so we brought her up here to shadow us. She is a single-voiced, separately-bodied entity, yet she still has not joined our form.

"She walks and talks separate from us, and that's not how a City Council should operate," they said in unison, attempting to stare down the teenage council member. "It goes against Robert's Rules of Order, Ms Flynn," the City Council hissed condescendingly.

"Anyway," they said, "we're having a third press conference, because there was another armed robbery just now, at the Spikey Hammer coffee shop, over near the Science District. The perpetrator stole the tip jar, which contained well over $17. They also stole a french press - but like a really nice stainless steel, insulated one, not that tempered glass garbage."

The crowd murmured their panic, and the City Council shouted "IT'S FINE. TRY CALMING DOWN FOR ONCE. GEEZ," which had the opposite effect of calming.

Tamika then leaned over and said quietly to the Council: "They were calm. Listen, we can fix this. This is not a problem.”

The City Council said "YOU'RE a problem."

"Am not," Tamika quipped.

"Yuh huh."

As of this report, the Am-Not vs Yuh-huh debate is continuing on the press podium at City Hall. The gathered crowd of alarmed citizens has begun clawing at each others' faces and screaming things like "$17!" and "it could have been us!" and "a GLASS french press? what are we? monsters?"

More on this story as we get updates. But next, let's have a look at today's weather.

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WEATHER: "Song For Myself" by Bears with Eagle Arms

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Well, the City Council press conference is still going on, but it looks like the argument has resolved, and only Tamika Flynn remains at the podium.

She has stepped to the mic, paused dramatically and stoically, and then begun speaking. Here is her speech.

TAMIKA: People of Night Vale. Have I not fought librarians? Have I not flown helicopters and battled corporate overloads? Have I not read all nine volumes of William Faulkner's epic anthology "Alexander and the Terrible No Good Very Bad Day?"

People of Night Vale. Have I not always been here for you? To serve you? To protect you?

Have I not proven that I can defeat a small time armed robber?

You have nothing to fear, not just because I am here, but because the City Council is here. We are a complementary balance of incredible talents. My talent is weapons skills, intolerance for wickedness, and a love of books. The other council members' talent is enjoying long vacations during difficult times.

The rest of the council and I have come to an agreement to make this town safe. I will work closely with Sheriff Sam and the Secret Police and the Mayor to make Night Vale more secure. The other members of the council will take a month long trip to Traverse City, Michigan (pronounced: MINCH-ah-gain).

They told me they only recently learned that Michigan (pronounced MILSH-tah-fun) was a real US state, and they could just travel there, and they really wanted to go apple picking and eat cider donuts. Autumn is the most beautiful time of year on the lake, they said. We’ll make you all proud with our vacation to Michgan (pronounced MID-ah-sham), Night Vale, And I agreed and sent them on their way.

We are a good and effective city council, Night Vale. You are a good and cooperative citizenry. Everything's fine.

It's fine.

CECIL: Tamika repeated those last two words, each iteration softer and slower, and the crowd's murmuring and fidgeting grew softer and slower, until there was silence, and peace.

Then Sheriff Sam jumped up on the rostrum, leaned in to Tamika, forgetting that the microphone was still on, and said "Councilwoman Flynn, a robber held up the new Green Market Co-Op and nicked all their cash."

The crowd gasped.

Sam continued: "But it's much worse than that. Whoever did this also burned the building down."

The crowd gulped.

Sam then said: "Ms Flynn, we found the bodies of Tristan Cortez and his daughter Camila inside."

The crowd wailed.

Sam added: "I'm sorry Ms Flynn. It's a bit loud here. I'm having a rough go at hearing you what with all the screaming. Can you speak up?"

But Tamika stood still, silent, as the crowd ran in circles, pulling at each others' hair.

Tamika gathered herself and then stepped back to the microphone. She cleared her throat and said "I know everything is no longer fine, but it will be. I got you, Night Vale. I got you."

The crowd stopped running and shrieking, although they continued tugging at each other's hair.

Tamika said: "Our small time criminal is now a real threat, a force of violence among us, but I can stop them. Do you want safety?"

And the crowd chanted "Yes."

"Do you want security?"

And the crowd chanted "Absolutely."

"Do you trust me?"

And the crowd chanted "We certainly do, because we are scared."

Tamika then turned to the Sheriff and said "Sam, do you agree?"

"Yes. Anything. Whatever you want." Sam said.

"Give me your badge."

Sam paused.

"Give me your badge."

Sam slowly reached across their lapel, unhooked their badge, and handed it to Tamika, who then pinned it to her shirt.

"And your hat and jacket." Tamika said.

And Sam gave her their hat and jacket.

And Tamika put them on.

Tamika said: "Okay. Curfew is now 8pm. No one is out after 8pm. And no one is out alone at any hour. Sam. You're my Deputy Sheriff now. No one goes in or out of town. Arrest anyone who does."

Tamika then ordered all city buildings to be painted red, to let this criminal know we will cover the whole town in their blood.

She said once more: "Everything's fine. It's fine. It's 6pm already. So get your dinner and go home before curfew. And do not be out alone. The Secret Police will stop anyone walking alone."

She concluded the press conference by saying: "Good night, Night Vale. Good night."

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Proverb: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People are:

1) levitation

2) translucence

3) omnipresence

4) country music

5) lime zest

6) suns for eyes

7) hiccups