I know you are, but what am I? What am I? What am I? What. Am. I. Welcome to Night Vale.

#####

I should start today with something happy. In his speech yesterday honoring the life of Old Woman Josie, Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, and Josie's closest neighbor, told a story about his pickup breaking down a few years ago. Josie had stopped on the roadside to help him push the old Chevy the mile or so to his house.

In the last few hundred feet the truck picked up momentum on the sloped road, and it rolled out of their control into a large cactus. They heard a surprised yelp and saw Telly the barber, wide-eyed and sweating, holding a pair of shears.

Josie and Larry laughed and laughed. Even the surprised Telly laughed. Larry then asked Telly why he was cutting that cactus's hair. Telly gulped and ran away, still laughing and sweating profusely.

Larry told the gathered mourners that he didn't have many friends in town, but Old Woman Josie was always kind to him. Always a smile. Always happy to help. Always good for a giggle when she caught Telly giving cacti haircuts.

The services were beautiful. You know that. You were all there. We all were there. I know I said “gathered mourners,” but in a way, we were gathered celebrants, extolling the great life of a great woman, now gone.

Today is the scattering of her ashes, and the city is working to fulfill Josie's wishes. They are joined in this endeavor by several beings claiming to be angels. The city is trying to ignore the angels' request to help, because it is illegal to acknowledge the existence of angels. So, we'll see how this goes.

#####

The dozens of five-headed dragons who came to our world after the botched, yet partially successful, execution of fellow dragon Hiram McDaniels are still in town.

Hiram's sister Hadassah had promised vengeance for the wrongful murder of Hiram's violet head. But after several weeks of setting fire to local businesses and devouring a few of the more muscular human citizens, the dragons have gone mostly silent. Their aggressions now limited to some blatant jaywalking and loitering. There has been one report of an unidentified five-headed dragon hurling a crumpled Fresca can basketball-style at a trash bin, missing the trash bin wildly, and then picking the soda can up and gently tossing it into the bin, only to have it clumsily fall out and back onto the ground. Onlookers were shocked to see that the dragon did not even attempt a third put-back, and the can is still lying on the ground this very moment. The can is still on the ground.

Mayor Cardinal has called on the Sheriff for stricter enforcement of minor offenses, so that they do not escalate into more sinister crimes. Plus, she added, if we do not clean litter from our curbs, the Street Cleaners might show up, and we simply cannot afford the loss of innocent lives that would cause. More on this as it develops.

#####

Josie's daughter Alondra Ortiz, who came to town last year to be with her ailing mother until Josie passed away, is now sorting through Josie's estate and documents. Alondra said she found no will in Josie's files, only a piece of paper that said "it all belongs to the angels."

But Alondra noted the handwriting was written shakily in thick magic marker, and every word but "it" and "the" was misspelled. She believes the beings who claim to be angels wrote this, not her mother. The angels responded "Nuh-uh" and then nervously wiped their brows with clearly ink-stained hands.

Alondra hired an estate lawyer to help sort out liquidation of her mother's assets. Alondra said she just wants to be done with all this and go back home. When asked where home was, Alondra responded "I don't remember. Why can't I remember? That's not important. I mean it's super important but not to this discussion. Oh god, what is wrong with me? With this town?" A single engine plane then flew across the horizon behind her, trailing a banner that read "OOOH, I FOUND SOME TEETH."

#####

Listeners, some of you have asked about our intern Kareem. He's been at the station for so long, about 16 months, much longer than any other intern in recent memory. Well, I'm sorry to report he is no longer with us. He was a good intern and he will be missed.

Kareem changed majors from Communications to Earth Sciences, and no longer needs this radio internship. He is taking classes with professor Simone Rigaudeau at Night Vale Community College. Simone is not actually employed by NVCC, and in one of Kareem's last journalistic endeavors here at the station, he even found a copy of her death certificate dated 1983, although she does not show any sign of being a ghost. But apparently her knowledge of Earth Sciences intrigued Kareem enough that he wanted to change career trajectories.

Kareem told me on his last day, which was today - like 5 minutes before I started my broadcast is when I found out about this - he told me Simone knows what happened to Night Vale, why Kareem’s family doesn't know him anymore, and why he can't find Mitchellgan, or whatever his home state is, on a map.

I'm just happy Kareem is pursuing his dreams, even if he's going to lose all those journalism credits and today’s filing will have to be done by an overworked radio host before he gets to go home to his husband. Gonna be a long path to that degree Kareem. I'm sure you'll do great.

#####

Listeners, I'd like to caution you away from driving near downtown. Road crews have shut down all streets in all directions, as a construction team is building a series of elaborate roller coasters and amusement park rides. Many of which do dives and loops around, under, and through the surrounding buildings and even roads. It's complete gridlock all over downtown, with cars unable to drive into or out of the jam.

On the plus side, there's a pretty cool looking Aquaman ride that does a double twisting loop through a large pool of water that is elevated more than 50 feet off the ground.

Mayor Cardinal is on the scene arguing with the construction team about their lack of development permits. The construction crew, who are all tall glowing beings with wings, showed the mayor a piece of paper that said "This is all totally fine. Josie said we can build this. Okay? Signed, City" written with a magic marker and nearly every word misspelled.

Alondra Ortiz's lawyer, Emilio Tavares, filed an injunction to halt the work, saying that the funds used toward the construction of these roller coasters were part of Josie's estate and were being misappropriated by the so-called angels. There is no documentation showing Josie wished her money to be spent this way, Tavares explained. The construction team then mumbled "A dummy says what." And Tavares said "What?" and they all laughed, including the mayor, who then added "but yeah, seriously, you need building permits, even if you are fulfilling the elaborate wishes of the deceased." We'll have more on this soon, but first a quick break.

#####

CECIL: Hi this is Cecil. Leave a message.

[beep]

STEVE: Hello? Cecil? It's Steve.

[pause]

Okay, I'm not sure if you're there or not. Last few times I called, you said to leave a message at the tone, and then halfway into my message you interrupted me and said "Ha ha, Steve. You fell for it again." So I'm just making sure you're actually there this time.

I have something I wanted to tell you, so you could report it on your show. Are you there, Cecil? I don't want to fall for your trick again.

[pause]

Okay. Well.

I was getting some coffee over at the Spikey Hammer and I held the door for this woman I didn't recognize. She just stared at me, didn't say thank you or anything. I mean I don't hold doors for approval. It's just a nice thing to do. But she efforted to not thank me, you know?, and then when I stood in line, she stood right next to me, her face just inches from mine, staring at me. I tried not to look. It's not nice to stare. She didn't say anything for the longest time. But right as I placed my order - a large gravlax macchiato with quad shot and whipped cream - she started whispering loudly in my ear. I couldn't understand what she was saying, and it made it difficult to talk to the barista.

And then when I turned to ask her, politely, if she wanted me to get her something, she was gone.

I wish I could remember what the woman said. Oh, gosh, it was something like... hmmmm

[this “hmmm” transforms into something weird, and then we’re in the woman from italy growly voice]

The woman from italy has come back to town Nothing can stop her from tearing it down She lives for your screams, makes meals of your tears She revels in chaos, and deals in your fears.

We all huddle and hide from the pain yet to come. Huddled hidden with loved ones, perhaps she’ll spare some. She brings the torture, the trouble, the stress, so Can you order for her a double espresso?

[back to steve voice]

Well, I don't remember what she said. If I think of it I'll call you back. Anyway, sorry I missed you Cecil.

CECIL: I'm here Steve. You totally fell for it.

STEVE: Oh. Oh. ho ho. you got me.

CECIL: Basic stuff Steve.

STEVE: Sure is. Wow, you got me good.

CECIL: I tease you because I love you Steve.

STEVE: Oh, Cecil. I love you too, big brother.

CECIL: Just kidding, I'm not here. Please leave your message after the tone.

[Beep]

STEVE: Hello? Cecil. I'm not sure what just happened. I guess I'll try again later.

#####

Sorry for the interruption. It looks like I got a voicemail. Oh it's from Steve Carlsberg. Nevermind. There’s breaking news right now.

Stay far away from downtown, listeners. The traffic jam caused by the halted construction project is in great danger. The cars are honking noisily. People are abandoning their vehicles, but the Sheriff is asking everyone to seek immediate shelter, as several dragons are converging on the scene. The dragons have everyone in the congested area completely surrounded. They are walking, no, stomping, toward the helpless citizens trapped in traffic. Night Vale, do not go out on the roads, the dragons have us exactly where they want us. Oh what a disastrous trap! Be safe. And as I try to find out more on what's happening in downtown, please hear this important weather report.

#####

WEATHER: "Qualified" by Sammus feat. Open Mike Eagle

#####

Here is the secret hierarchy of angels.

Deceased humans can become angels, but few humans do. Angels are immortal beings, but not all of them are former human souls. Some are animals. Some plants. Some outdated electronics. They are all named Erika, with a K. All angels are equal to all other angels. They share all memories and all physical sensations. They experience everything simultaneously. Their minds are overwhelmed with enlightenment and pain. They have no centralized leadership, but they do have committees, lots of committees. These committees do not have titles, nor objectives. The committees simply emerge as needed. Angels are wealthy but do not understand currency. They will often ask to borrow ten bucks.

Angels have no bodies, only visual projections of winged, barely humanoid forms. These forms are dreamed up by those who see and acknowledge them, and may vary based on the viewer. The secret hierarchy of angels is an ethereal mass of feelings and thoughts made manifest by necessity. They are only individual beings because we imagine them so. But they are, collectively, beings. It is illegal to speak of or acknowledge in any way the secret hierarchy of angels.

But I will acknowledge it. Here on the radio. I am an objective journalist, which does not mean I have no morals or opinions, just that I can be self-aware of my biases and emotions yet still report a story transparently to you. You may not agree with my point of view, but I will do my best to give you the information you need to decide that on your own.

In the case of the angels, I acknowledge them. I see them. And because Josie always said such, I too believe that they are real beings and are entitled to Josie's estate. So does five-headed dragon, Miriam Adelman. She's a lawyer, and the angels hired her to represent their case for management of Josie's will. The dragons did not do any harm to those in traffic today. They were simply the legal team coming to help facilitate Josie's final wish, which was to build a Night Vale Sculpture Garden, complete with the usual roller coasters and tilt-a-whirls and an enormous ferris wheel. Josie wanted to have her ashes scattered underneath Giacomo Manzú’s famous sculpture “Top Thrill Dragster,” which has a 400 foot drop and reaches over 120 miles per hour.

Adelman and her legal team managed to push through the sculpture garden construction, which is now complete, and Josie's ashes have finally been honored in the way she wanted. Alondra ceded this ground because she understood how important this town was to Josie. But she added: "My mother's home, her belongings, her money, her legacy. These are all I have of my family. I have no siblings, no cousins, and no parents. I am the only Ortiz left. I do not know or understand Night Vale," Alondra said. "I do not believe in angels, nor dragons for that matter. I just want what is left of my mother's memory, and then I want to go home, wherever that is."

The city has declined to hear further arguments about estate ownership from Adelman or her angel clients, as the dragons are not licensed to practice law anywhere on this earth, and their clients, the angels, don't legally exist.

The secret hierarchy of angels is a cloud of knowledge, formed from the collected experiences of the deceased. Josie might be among them now, or she might not. All I know is that Josie loved Night Vale, and we loved her. I am going to go to the sculpture garden today to pay my respects. Carlos and I will hold hands and lay flowers at the ash-strewn base of Manzú's towering masterpiece of contemporary sculpture, and then we will purchase a souvenir photo of ourselves screaming in joy and sorrow while engaged in a 120 mile-per-hour freefall, demonstrating our fervent arts advocacy, exactly as Josie would have wanted.

I hope all of you will join me in honoring not only the life of Josefina Ortiz, but the lives of the angels who loved her, too.

Stay tuned next for hosts Josh and Chuck and their wildly popular show, Stuff You Shouldn't Know, which as usual will be an unbroken redaction beep for 30 straight minutes. No one has ever heard Josh or Chuck speak.

And as always, good night, Night Vale. Josie was beautiful. And angels are real. Good night.

#####

PROVERB: A million dollars isn't a sandwich. You know what's a sandwich? A taco.