[LISTEN]

KEVIN: How do I love thee? Let me count your teeth. Happy All Smiles' Eve, Desert Bluffs!

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KEVIN: Hi listeners, it's Kevin.

LAUREN: And Lauren!

KEVIN: We hope you're all having the smilingest All Smiles' Eve you could have ever wished for.

LAUREN: Desert Bluffs Too! Welcome to our special holiday show where we retell the classic story of All Smiles' Eve.

KEVIN: We'll also have great last minute gift ideas and cooking tips.

But first let's have a look around town at how people are celebrating this most wonderful of holidays.

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LAUREN: Of course, our old city of Desert Bluffs is no more, swallowed up by the town of Night Vale, but we found a new home, here in a desert otherworld.

KEVIN: We’re broadcasting now from this scenic lighthouse atop a tall mountain looking out over endless sand-covered nothingness.

LAUREN: I like the sand. It's my favorite part of living here.

KEVIN: I like the nothingness.

LAUREN: It really clears the mind. But there are moments of somethingness. And they are beautiful displays of lights and crafts. Frank Donelly, who lives atop the northwest bluff, has strung up a series of colorful gasoline canisters over his storefront, where he sells tarantula parts. At dusk, he sets each can on fire, and the burning plastic melts away, spilling down onto the people below.

Alejandra Salazar who lives in the cave just at the south base of this mountain has painted lips and teeth around the entrance to her home.

And my favorite holiday decoration this year is Guneet Jindal's Smile Tree. She's built a 20-foot-tall cactus out of human teeth. She even used coyote skins turned inside out to look like flowers.

KEVIN: I love people's creativity this time of year. It's so fun to walk around town and see the night lit up with seasonal joy. To smell the burning petroleum products. To hear the screams and feel the warm fire in the cool dry air.

LAUREN: You truly do love the holidays.

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KEVIN: Lauren, I think it's time to tell the story of All Smile's Eve.

LAUREN: Yay!

KEVIN: Once there was a family - the Goods - who lived in the desert. Two mothers, a father, a daughter, a son, three dogs, the front half of a cat, and a very long house.

They were a happy family. But no one knew it.

People would often say to them "you'd be so happy if you just smiled," but the Good family would always say “We ARE smiling. We ARE happy.” It’s just that no one could see their smiles. Their faces always remained in a neutral state.

Even the Good Family couldn’t tell when each other were smiling. Each one thought the other was unhappy, because none of them had a visible smile.

Sometimes the mothers would ask their younger child "why are you sad, Falisha?" And Falisha would say "I am not sad, mothers." And then Falisha would smile, and her mothers would smile, but none of them appeared to be smiling to each other, and they would all remain sad.

Sometimes the father broke things on purpose, like vases, or the childrens' toys, or the childrens' toy vases, or birds. It brought him great joy breaking things, because it reminded him that he was autonomous. But to the outside eye, it looked like an expressionless man smashing random objects.

The older child, Jason, had a piece of lumber he carried around with him always. It was a baluster from an old stairwell railing, and he loved it. He had named it Jason also, because it reminded him of himself, and he would dress the stick in similar shirts and pants.

Falisha asked him "Why did you do dress like that stick, Jason."

"It makes me happy," Jason said. “See how I smile, sister?”

"No," she said.

Their neighbors and friends wanted the Goods to be happy, and they were, but they could not smile. The Goods thought they were smiling, but they were not.

No one knew how to solve the problem, because no one knew what the problem was.

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LAUREN: Oh this part makes me slightly less happy than I always am.

KEVIN: Yes. When people don't smile, everyone else has to smile even harder.

LAUREN: I can't wait to hear how the story ends, but now, let's share some of our favorite holiday dishes. I know all of you out there are busily preparing your All Smiles' Day meals. Kevin, what's your favorite dish?

KEVIN: When I was a boy, my father used to make caramel. He would pour a whole bag of sugar into a large pot and put it over the highest heat. Then he would stir and stir, slowly mixing in heavy cream, until the sugar liquified and toasted, then as the syrup came to a boil, he would call the kids into the kitchen and we would all open our hands, and he would pour the boiling caramel into our cupped palms.

It burned our hands so badly, but that was no problem, because we just forced the sweet caramel quickly into our mouths, where it also badly burnt our tongues and lips. It was one of my happiest memories.

Years later, when I was an adult, I found a starling in a shopping center parking lot. Its head had been crushed by a car tire, and its rear leg was still twitching. I watched it for about 15 minutes until it stopped moving.

LAUREN: Thanks for that recipe, Kevin. My favorite holiday dish is radish casserole. It's easy to make. You just pull the stems off, then using a peeler, you remove the red skin. Then place the radish in a food processor and blend until it is a stiff paste. Pour onto a plate and voila.

KEVIN: I still don't know who killed that starling.

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LAUREN: Let's continue with our story of All Smiles' Eve. The Good family began treating themselves more gently, considering that perhaps they were dealing with something more serious than just a lack of happiness.

One mother told the other mother that depression and anxiety are more common than we think. And the other mother said "we should listen to each other more and try to better understand our pain."

"Pain is something we can all understand," the father said and he pointed to the half cat under the shrubs, which they had adopted last month when they found it decomposing on their lawn. They named the half cat Mister Doodles.

"Aww," the whole family cooed. "Mister Doodles."

They all smiled unnoticeably.

Jason and Falisha wanted their friends to know they were happy, so they began to practice smiling in the mirror, but even they couldn't see a change in their faces. Plus, mirrors were upsetting because of all the people who would gather behind them in the reflection but that weren't actually there when they turned around to face them.

But one day the Good Family's life would change, because they would meet the Smiling God.

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KEVIN: Oh Lauren, I love this part. We'll be back with more of the story in a moment, but let's talk about some last minute gift ideas.

LAUREN: Yes, I know a lot of you out there waited until the last possible moment to buy your All Smiles' Day gifts.

But not to worry, because there are plenty of meaningful gifts you can get right now.

KEVIN: You could even make something. People enjoy receiving hand-crafted gifts from loved ones. For instance, Lauren, I bought some yarn and then hand-knitted you this sweater!

LAUREN: Oh Kevin! It's beautiful. It's covered in... are those worms?

KEVIN: Sure are. I bought those at the bait shop.

LAUREN: And Kevin, I bought you some cologne.

KEVIN: I don't wear cologne.

LAUREN: That's why I bought you cologne. I special ordered it from a perfumery in Franchia. It's called Grauselächeln. (pronunciation: GRAU-zeh-LEHK-eln) I can see by your grin that you love it. I'll spray some on you.

KEVIN: Oh it burns.

LAUREN: It's acid.

KEVIN: Look at all the little bubbles forming on my wrist! I can see my veins!

LAUREN: Listeners, you may not have time to knit a sweater and staple live worms to it or special order a foreign cologne, but here are a few ideas to help you out in your last minute gift buying. People love animals. Maybe buy them a dog. Or how about a coupon book full of chores you'll do for them. Like "I'll clean the dishes for one whole month," or "I'll beg you for my life," or "I'll sharpen your teeth while you sleep."

KEVIN: I'm sure those are great gift ideas, Lauren. I wasn't listening because my arm hurts so much. Let's continue with our story of All Smiles Eve.

LAUREN: Okay.

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KEVIN: One day the Good family felt hot. They lived in the desert because they loved feeling hot, so this made them very happy. Their feet burned. They couldn't hold still. They leapt up and down to keep their feet from being completely scorched, and it looked like a dance.

They were joyously happy.

They smiled and smiled, but to anyone watching, they looked like the saddest dancers ever.

They heard a loud pop, as the sand around their home burst skyward, and the Smiling God emerged.

"I am the Smiling God," the Smiling God said, and the Good Family's ears began to melt away. They clutched at their heads, screaming. They had never felt so happy.

"Why are you not happy?" the God asked.

"You should be happy," the God demanded.

"We are," the Good Family insisted. "See us smiling?"

"No." the God said. "But soon I will!"

And the Smiling God told them about purity, and about devouring. The Smiling God showed the family a PowerPoint presentation on the subject of Purity, even though PowerPoint (let alone computers) would not be invented for more than a century.

The Good Family happily watched the Smiling God's lecture. They smiled imperceptibly through the whole thing, and the Smiling God grew furious because It could not see how happy they were. The Smiling God said to the Good Family, saying "Behold. You will smile so much, you will never want to stop."

The Good Family said, "We ARE smiling!"

But the Smiling God had already devoured their home in one heaving gulp. All that remained was a smoldering pit and scattered debris. Jason, the boy, found splinters of Jason, the stick. Mister Doodles was now only a fourth of a cat.

"Aww," the whole family cooed. "Mister Doodles."

Their long house was a long pit. And every single mirror in their home was gone, along with the ghastly figures who gathered in the reflections.

And the Good family was so happy and so afraid. They concentrated hard on making the biggest smiles they could, but the Smiling God could not see their pure joy on their bland faces.

LAUREN: Oh I can't wait to hear the end of this story, Kevin, but for now, let's get to today's weather.

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WEATHER: "Fast Talker" by aj & the good intentions

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LAUREN: The Good Family sifted through the debris of their home, knowing that the Smiling God had purified it for them. It would be difficult to get by without food or shelter or belongings, but they knew purity was all they truly needed to be happy.

But the younger child, Falisha, had seen the face of the Smiling God and knew that they had disappointed it. She told Jason that they had to do something and Jason agreed. Jason set out to find everything in the wreckage that might make them smile. He showed Falisha how the bottom of the pit was all wet and gooey. Her expression did not change. He brought their three dogs around for her to pet, but the poor animals could not stop vomiting.

He asked their parents to come give him and Falisha hugs and tell them that they loved them and that they wanted their children to be happy.

"But I am happy," Falisha protested and she pointed at her lips. "See?"

They did not see.

Falisha lowered her head.

She stared at her shoes with their brand new laces (white as the Smiling God’s teeth), not knowing what to do, but then, she saw something interesting under her feet. A framed photograph. She picked it up. The wooden frame was completely torn off on one side, and the glass was shattered. The photo underneath was discernible, but it had warped and wilted in the heat of the Smiling God's arrival.

It was a family photo: mom, mom, dad, Jason, three non-vomiting dogs, and the front half of a cat. Everyone was smiling, just not visibly, of course.

Falisha stared lovingly into the frame, and it all made sense to her.

“We’re not smiling!” she shouted.

She pulled at the frame, tearing it away. She grabbed at the triangular shards of glass covering the photograph.

"Oh I’m definitely smiling," her mother said.

"I’m smiling up a storm," her other mother said.

"I am smiling like a fox in a smile house," her father said, but no one agreed with anyone.

Falisha said, “No you’re not, but you will be.”

Falisha turned her back to them. She lifted her hands to her face, and the family photograph fluttered to the earth

Falisha pressed the tip of the glass fragment against her front teeth and pulled sharply back to her right. She felt a warm rush of air across her gums. Her family saw a line of blood flash across the hot sand. She did it again, to her left side. Her face hurt with joy. With happiness.

She turned around, and her family saw she was smiling from ear to ear. And they wanted to smile that much. They wanted to smile like that and never stop. Falisha wasn’t concerned that she got blood on her brand new shoelaces. She knew her family was so proud of her smile.

"Now I must make all of you happy," she said. And she did. She chased each of them down, one by one, and when she was done, they were all smiling the biggest smiles they had ever smiled. So many teeth in the Good family.

The Smiling God saw all of this, and It was honored and pleased. So the Smiling God devoured the entire family and they died.

KEVIN: What a beautiful story.

LAUREN: Yes, and the souls of that family were so Joyous and Pure that they still wander our town, with huge toothy grins. And every year on All Smiles Eve, they enter the homes of children who do not smile, and then they help them smile.

KEVIN: It's a good moral.

LAUREN: As children, my siblings and I used to leave a shard of glass and a set of bloody shoelaces just outside our unlocked front door on All Smiles Eve to show Falisha that we already knew how to smile.

KEVIN: Well, a happy All Smiles Eve to everyone is Desert Bluffs Too. May the corners of your mouth be ever widening

LAUREN: Believe in a Smiling God, my friends.

KEVIN: And know that Joy is in your teeth.

LAUREN: Good night, Kevin. And good night, Desert Bluffs Too.

KEVIN: Good night.

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PROVERB: Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Now you're just being an asshole.