Good hidden recording devices make good neighbors. Welcome to Night Vale

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Council Member Tamika Flynn announced today that she's pretty comfortable doing this whole City Council thing now that Night Vale is completely crime free. She announced this standing atop an onyx pyramid waving a golden sceptre.

Mayor Dana Cardinal responded that while crime is clearly down, budgets for the new fiscal year have not been completed, and Night Vale is showing a marked financial loss this quarter, due in large part to strict evening curfews. She announced this silently into her journal which she plans to publish as a scathing memoir someday.

Sheriff Sam announced that the increased number of Secret Police officers has really had a positive impact on crime, but most of the police force now is volunteer or underpaid, and grossly unqualified. It's basically a bunch of random citizens with makeshift weapons carved out of tree branches or fashioned from broken blade-based kitchen appliances. The sheriff noted that management of Council Member Flynn's Citizen Patrols has greatly impeded the capture of both the serial robber and the escaped librarian. Sheriff Sam quietly grumbled this into their bathroom mirror before finally putting on makeup and facing their day.

Council Member Flynn later said she received a postcard from the rest of City Council, who has been vacationing in Michigan (Mill-sti-chin) the past month. On the front of the postcard was a serene lake nestled among tall pines and speckled with herons and fishing boats. Above the lake were eight Black Hawk helicopters dangling each of the letters of the state name: M-I-B-S-T-I-C-A-N

On the back the City Council had written "Saw an article that Night Vale has the lowest crime rate. Guess you're doing fine without us and we don't need to come back." The postcard continued: "We learned how to kayak and we bought a professional grade DSLR and learned to tie sailing knots. Michigan (Michelin) is awesome. Maybe we won't ever come back. Maybe we're not wanted."

Council Member Flynn said she wrote them back a postcard, which she taped to a giant scorpion, that read "Yeah, I've got this under control. Happy apple picking."

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Night Vale Coroner Lorelei Alvarez issued her report today on the autopsy of the two bodies found at the Green Market Co-Op, which burned down last month in an apparent robbery-arson. These bodies are believed to be those of Green Market owner Tristan Cortez and his daughter Camila, a business student at Night Vale Community College.

Alvarez, however, said that without dental records for the Cortezes, she can't be certain that these bodies are theirs. The bodies had almost no burns on them, despite being found in a building leveled by fire. There were also no gunshot wounds. Alvarez said "these two bodies were wearing 19th century formal attire and had apparently been pecked to death by birds." She added she had not ruled out that birds could have committed robberies, nor that the Cortez family had an anachronistic fashion sense.

Alvarez added with a grin that she's also gotten a few bodies that have been mostly devoured by the escaped librarian. She said it's fascinating that librarians tend to eat only bones and ligaments and not flesh or skin, so most of these corpses look like rumpled soft leather sacks, which makes them much easier to store. Alvarez has so much more free space in her office now, and has added a tetherball pole.

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And now sports. Tonight the Night Vale High School Scorpions take on division rival Red Mesa Ant Carpenters in varsity wheelchair basketball. This afternoon, there will be a pep rally, led by team captain Janice Palmer (also she's my niece. the team captain is my niece.)

Councilwoman Tamika Flynn will also deliver a speech at the pep rally about the importance of teamwork and fighting crime with sports. Also the importance of books. "Did you know there are books about sports?" is the title of Flynn's speech. Flynn also requested - for reasons having to do with public safety - that the pep rally be moved away from the high school to the old Night Vale Armory and that every person there stand exactly 2 feet apart and bring some type of shield and/or sharp object that could be used to fend off robbers or librarians.

The pep rally is at noon. Go get'em Janice!

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Listeners, Mayor Cardinal and her director of Emergency Press Conferences, Pamela Winchell, have called an emergency press conference to denounce the City Council's poor efforts to sustain the integrity and stability of Night Vale. Mayor Cardinal dismissed the City Council's (essentially Tamika Flynn's) curfew as virtually meaningless now that more than half of the population is on the Citizen Patrol Force. "We basically have a town of municipally-approved armed vigilantes walking around at all hours of the night."

Winchell seconded the Mayor's point by adding "Why do I video myself sleeping? What am I hoping to discover? What secrets does my body whisper when I am unconscious?"

Also, the president of the Night Vale school board, the giant glowing cloud who drops dead animals, made an impassioned speech in support of the mayor via mind control. The entire crowd chanted "ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY CLOUD WHO WANTS THE LOWLY CITY COUNCIL TO PASS A BUDGET THAT FAVORS INCREASED SPENDING ON EDUCATION. WE GROVEL BEFORE THE ALL MIGHTY CLOUD. HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO MAKE A HUMAN BUDGET?"

ALL HAIL, they repeated.

The mayor said she's received many letters from people claiming they have lost their jobs as waiters, cab drivers, theater managers, and costumed superheroes, because of these strict curfews.

Night Vale Community Radio host Cecil Palmer also announced today, live on his radio show, right now, that the curfew has been super productive for his TV-watching as he has already burned through every HBO and Showtime series. Plus all of Difficult People on Hulu, which features his second-favorite actor James Urbaniak. (My favorite is, of course, Lee Marvin, may His name ring forever in eternity.)

Palmer added, at this very second, that while he's caught up on a lot of good television - and is very excited for the new season of the documentary series Stranger Things, he and his husband are getting a little stir crazy. There are only so many games of Strip Uno a couple can play before they just wanna go out for a nice dinner and maybe a romantic stroll in the park.

Councilwoman Flynn was not available for comment, although a sign above her locked office door said "QUIET - READING A BOOK ON HOW TO DO FINANCIAL SPREADSHEETS"

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Listeners, I mentioned earlier my niece Janice and how proud I am of her for captaining her school's basketball team, but I'm a bit worried about her too. She looks perpetually exhausted.

In the pre-season tournament, she led all players in assists. She did everything she could to win games, but they just couldn't quite do it. Her statistics bear this out. But still, she's taken on so much responsibility for the team's losses.

Her dad and team assistant coach Steve Carlsberg says Janice has increased her practice time to improve her already fantastic passing skills, hoping to at least double the number of assists she gets. But Steve says that despite her better skills and more focused demeanor during practice, her teammates just aren't hitting their shots when she passes to them. She throws them the ball shouting SHOOT IT! YOU'RE OPEN JULIE! but they miss over and over (even the ones named Julie).

Steve is trying to convince her to work more on her defense and shooting, that assists aren't everything. But Janice got frustrated with this and called Steve selfish. "Assists are the most unselfish thing, Steve Carlsberg!" she shouted before leaving the gym to pout by her locker earlier this morning. "Maybe I should just quit," Steve heard her mumble.

I'm sure it's just a teenager fighting with her step-dad, and she'll be all ready to go for today's pep rally, which is set to start in a few minutes. I'll check with her later tonight to make sure she's doing okay.

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Councilwoman Tamika Flynn has arrived early for today's pep rally to deliver a brief statement about vigilance, self-preservation, and keeping our town crime-free.

"Even though there's a librarian on the loose, and our Sheriff has yet to catch the serial robber, our streets are super safe," Flynn said. "I read a book this morning about how low crime rates are excellent for local economies. The book is "Lonesome Dove" by Larry McMurtry, in case you're interested.

"Look around you," she continued. "No one here is being crimed upon, because we are protecting each other. We are watchful and observant.”

"As my father once warned," Tamika Flynn said, "'Beware the robot uprising. Beware the machines that will bring us down.' That's what he always told me right before bed, and we must heed his words Night Vale. At any moment a great enemy could be upon us."

Tamika then said "Hey, it's after 12. Aren't we supposed to start this pep rally? I'm in the middle of Greg Harvey's literary masterpiece (and winner of the Man Booker Prize) 'Microsoft Excel for Dummies,' so let's make this quick. I'm really into that book," she concluded.

But the crowd murmured, confused and agitated. The captain of the team was not there. And as they looked for the pep rally's leader, the bearer of the basketball torch, my niece, my only niece, the stage began to shake. The earth began to split and smoke and dust are currently filling the Night Vale Armory in choking plumes.

Oh my god, Night Vale. Where's Janice? Where is my niece? Listen to today's weather, while I find out where she is.

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WEATHER: "Animal Skin" by Bryan Dunn

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The rest of the City Council has returned to Night Vale. They burrowed through the earth and up through the floor of the Armory where the pep rally was being held. They apologized for the dramatic and destructive entrance, but their flight out was really turbulent and there was no meal service, so they thought they'd take the slower, but more comfortable route home.

The multi-limbed, multi-voiced, single-bodied entity of the City Council was wearing a T-shirt that said "Mitchigan: America's Sexiest Forests" featuring little cartoon trees with ripped abs and bubble butts. The City Council then presented two people whose hands were bound with ropes, tied off tight with perfect bowline knots.

It was Tristan Cortez and his daughter Camila.

The City Council said they found the Cortezes while rock climbing. According to the Council, Camila had devised an insurance scam, which Tristan set up by committing a series of small armed robberies around Night Vale to make the robbery and subsequent arson of their new store more believable.

They stole two bodies from the Old Cemetery, which flooded last month, and laid those in the burnt out husk of their former market to fake their deaths.

Camila created a fake ID for a sister she didn't have, named Tamila, who lived in Michigan (Minsterjin), where they planned to live out life birdwatching and parasailing in the paradise of America's most hand-shaped state.

The City Council laid out this entire plot as they presented Sheriff Sam with the two fraudsters. Then the City Council turned to their newest member, Tamika Flynn, and said "We also completed the new city budget” as they dropped a 6-inch high stack of papers like it was a mic at a poetry slam.

And even better, listeners, Janice finally arrived. We found her. After the City Council made their speech, the basketball team captain stepped to the mic and said she was running late today because she was practicing so hard to be a better passer, to have more assists, to be empirically the best teammate that the league record books have ever seen. But then just this morning, after a fight with her step-dad, she realized she was wrong.

"You can't measure leadership," Janice said. "I've been so worried about that one number, that one datum that seems so selfless, but the act of pursuing that number is, in itself, selfish."

Janice said "I can't do this all on my own. I can't expect everyone else to score, thinking I'm being helpful. Each one of us has a different skill set, and as your captain, I want you to be great at scoring, defense, rebounding, whistling, and the occasional hex - the five pillars of sound basketball. So let's get out there and beat Red Mesa."

The crowd cheered and joined together to sing the Night Vale School Song "You Walk With Me, You Walk Alone, Under an Indifferent Dust-Filled Sky."

Tamika then spoke. She stood before her fellow citizen, her constituents, and said: “I want the best for all of us. I really do. I’m new at this, and the one thing I know how to do well, really well, is fight, and I want that for everyone. Also read, I’m awesome at reading. I want that for you too. “Government jobs are weird because you don’t really fight a lot of crime. You mostly do paperwork and have meetings and scan retinas. Government is invasive and stupid and slow, but it’s because there are so many people it has to account for, and I realize it takes lots of time and lots of people to change. I just want this to change. I want us to be safe. I also want to finish this amazing novel about Microsoft Excel. It’s so compelling.” At the behest of Tamika Flynn, the City Council voted (unanimously) to lift the town-wide curfew. And restaurants have already begun to reopen, as well as theaters, public parks, clothing stores, and bloodstone circle repair shops. Even the library has re-opened with plans for renovating the security gates and triple-barred cages that keep the librarians safely away from society. And with the return of library activities, escaped Librarian Dan McDowell even returned to his former job, promising not to eat anyone else, unless they were trying to check out a book.

The City Council also voted to keep all the city buildings painted blood red, because, quote, "That's Intimidating A.F." And then they tried to vote to change the town motto to "Night Vale: Intimidating A.F." but it lost by a single deciding vote, which belonged to Tamika, who said we should pace ourselves. She then quoted Jean-Jacques Rousseau: “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is mad sweet, like a swole grape.”

Sheriff Sam praised the City Council for capturing these criminals. Mayor Cardinal praised the City Council too, but she added praise specifically for Tamika Flynn. Mayor Cardinal said, "I'm proud of you Councilwoman Flynn. I did not agree with your tactics, but I think your heart is in the right place. It will take time, but we can do this."

Tamika accepted the Mayor's kind words and a comforting embrace, and then returned to her office to finish her novel about spreadsheets.

Night Vale, Janice and Tamika are growing up before our eyes, and I couldn't be prouder of either. But more importantly, I couldn't be more excited to get out of the house. Carlos and I are headed straight to dinner at The Shallow Grave and then going dancing at that new club, NUMB, which opened up mere minutes after the curfew was lifted.

Stay tuned next for the sound of two men putting on just the most vicious outfits.

Good night Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: WE ARE ALL (an elite few) IN THIS (a secret underground emergency bunker) TOGETHER (on our own without public knowledge).