[sound moves toward right channel through this opening, ending completely on the right]

It’s all right. All right. Allll right. Aaaaaaalllll right. Welcome to Night Vale

Listeners, your headphones are not malfunctioning. (I assume you are wearing headphones, as instructed by that Sheriff’s Secret Police Mandate last week. This was for your protection and safety, and also to boost headphone sales now that the city has acquired a local headphone manufacturer as a municipal asset.)

I am reporting today only from your right ear. Or, if you have difficulty hearing in that ear, simply reverse your headphones so that you can easily hear me with one ear. Please remove the headphone from the ear that you are not hearing me from. I need you to be able to hear the world around you. This is vitally important to your continued survival.

We have been informed that a very dangerous creature has accidentally been released into Night Vale by the Federal Government, and it could be any place that this radio signal reaches. It could be near you now, hungry, hunting. When asked for specifics about the creature, representatives of the Government said “What creature?” and whistled non-chalantly, while tossing out leaflets with titles like RUNNING: A HEALTHY HOBBY BUT FUTILE AGAINST THE BEAST, and WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE DOOMED.

Please, throughout today’s broadcast, keep one ear open to what is around you. Listen for what could well be stalking you. This creature is an expert at stealth, a brutal, perfect killer. Any noise you hear, no matter how slight, no matter how seemingly normal, could be the clawstep, the tip of the tentacle, the opening of the jaws of this monster. Keep one ear open, and keep one ear on my voice.

And now the news.

Citizens in Old Town Night Vale are reporting a weird sound. It’s not the usual racket of the sun setting, which just seems to get louder every day. No, it’s something underground. A whumb. Whumb. Whumb.

Here, I know. Put your finger in the ear that doesn’t have a headphone. Go on, no one is looking. Create a seal around the ear canal. Now slightly lift that finger. Now put it back. Slightly up, and then sealed again. That is the exact sound Old Town Night Vale is hearing from below them. Finger slightly up and then: oh no, someone saw you with your finger in your ear. That is so embarrassing. You must be very embarrassed right now. Try to play it off as an itch. You were just scratching your ear. No weird stuff.

I don’t think they believed you.

The local Water Utility said that the sound is just routine sewer work, designed to maintain an efficient waste system in our community, and provide better defenses against the snakes who live in the sewers and often come up out of pipes, curled up in toilets and bathtubs, waiting for us.

If you are near a bathroom, go ahead and listen for snakes in there. It’s never a bad time to check for that. Head on over. Go inside. Do you hear a snake? No? Ok, the snake that’s in that bathroom is very quiet. Quiet snakes are even more dangerous. Simply seal up that bathroom and never go back inside it.

And now, back to the creature that will kill one of my listeners very soon.

Pay close attention to the world around you. Try to pick out the noise of the creature. It could be any noise.

Try separating the noises around you by type. The artificial sounds: Radios, a car engine, a plane engine, a microwave. The natural sounds: Bird song, wind, the rumble of an earthquake. The unnatural sounds: Ghostly footsteps, the crackle of your aura, a psychic scream for help sent to you by a stranger.

Did anything in those sounds seem out of place?

Maybe instead sort them by pitch. First take in the low sounds, the rumbles that you feel in the base of you. Then the middle sounds, those that don’t affect you physically, that you only hear rather than experience. Then the high sounds, those that touch first the teeth and the eyes, that scratch at the ears.

Did anything in those sounds seem out of place?

It’s vitally important that you identify the out of place sound around you, as just now a dangerous creature is coming for you. Its eyes are on you, from a hidden place, and the only chance you have of survival is to hear its approach.

What was that sound from behind you? Probably nothing, but better to check, right?

Of course, you have one ear covered during all of this. An obvious weakness. It knows which side you can’t hear it from, and so that is the side it will attack. Maybe we should switch sides, see if it has been coming at you from the right this whole time. Put on the other headphone and take this one off.

[audio to left]

Ok, hello from this side. Listen to the sounds coming from your right. Do you hear something like a running toward you? Or a hissing growl? That could be it. Do you hear the hum of an air-conditioner? That could also be it. It could have switched off your air conditioner and then imitated that dull breathy drone you had long since tuned out, using that sound to cover its approach, only seconds now from its teeth tearing into your neck. Ok, switching to this side didn’t seem to help anything. Let’s switch back. Right headphone in, this one out.

[audio to right]

Ok. I’m going to go on with the broadcast now. But keep one ear on the world. Death could come at any moment.

And now for a word from our sponsors.

Today’s show is sponsored by a company that makes more than you’d expect. Sure, they’re famous for that one thing, but did you know they make a whole lot more than that? Look around you. Do you see an object that immediately jumps out? Maybe it’s on the coffee table, or in the cupholder of your car, or on the ground next to the quiet country road you’re walking down.

Yes, that thing. That’s the one. We made that. Aren’t you proud of us? Pick it up. Hold it up to your left ear. What do you hear? Does the object make a sound? Is it possible that other sounds you thought were coming from other sources are actually coming from the object itself? No? Oh my, aren’t we very confident about how the world works.

Rub it against your face. You don’t want to do that? Because it’s heavy, or it was just sitting in the dirt or because it’s alive? Hey, we made this thing. We made it just for you. Don’t be ungrateful. Just touch it once to your cheek so you can feel the quality we built into it.

Did the sound that it’s making change at all? Maybe you’ve made it happy or angry.

Shake it once. Did that change its sound? Did that change its mood? Is it making a buzzing sound? If it is, put it down. It’s definitely angry now. In fact, maybe you picked up the wrong thing and that wasn’t the thing we make. That might have been a wasp nest. We’re sorry we told you to hold a wasp nest up to your face.

Kleenex. We make more things than you think. But not wasp nests. Sorry.

And now for the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Today we will be exploring the mysteries of interaction.

Say, “Hello.” Out loud. “Hello.” Good.

Did anything say Hello back? Then you are now in a conversation! Did nothing say Hello back? Then you might still be in a conversation with something very quiet. Best to be polite and carry on so as not to rudely call attention to their silence.

“How are you?” you should say. Listen for the answer.

“I myself am doing well,” you will say now, and then say, “Troubles that once seemed insurmountable turned out to be just a tone of the wind, you know?”

See if whatever you’re having a conversation with knows.

“And how are the kids?” you might ask. Maybe they don’t have kids. In which case, indicate that you were asking about the general state of children, the condition of the youth worldwide. Maybe they recently lost a child, and this is a very painful topic for them. You should have thought of that. Your words are knives, and, like knives, they can be useful and constructive, but with one careless slip they can seriously hurt someone. You should apologize. Even if they weren’t hurt by these words, they might have been hurt by other words, words you never considered as potentially hurtful.

“I’m sorry,” you should say now. And then say “Well, ok, goodbye. Sorry again.”

And that is how interaction works.

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

City Council is announcing that efforts to capture the terrible creature terrorizing Night Vale have not gone well. They fear they won’t be able to capture it before it has eaten someone. Someone who is listening to me speak with one ear right now.

It might be best if everyone listening to this moved to a different location. Maybe somewhere else would be safer. If possible, move to a different location now. Try to find a new and completely different set of sounds to work with. That might help. It probably won’t, probably nothing can save you, but worth a shot, right?

Have you moved somewhere else? Listen to the new set of sounds available to you. Do you hear one specific sound above the rest? Good. City officials believe that sound is safe. Move toward that sound.

Wonderful. You are doing great. Is something it would be good to believe just in case you die right now. That way you’ll die thinking something happy.

Get as close to the sound as possible. Do you feel safer near it?

Uh oh. City Council said that they mistyped. By the way, did you know that City Council finally got a cell phone? Just one cell phone. They share one and so there’s a lot of fighting over it and most of the texts they send are random letters or the dance emoji over and over.

Anyway, their text was wrong. That noise is actually very likely the sound of the terrible thing hunting you. You are right on it. Get as far from that noise as you can. Get away now.

For those who weren’t devoured when we accidentally told you to get close to the sound, let’s have a look at traffic.

Traffic is really humming along today. Hey, speaking of humming, you know how it sounds completely different when you have your ears covered versus when your ears are open? What does it sound like when you have half of your ears covered, do you think?

Hum to yourself. Louder than that. We’ll never discover new things about the world if we don’t put ourselves out there. If the creature is stalking you, then it already knows exactly where you are. Trying to keep quiet won’t save you.

Hum.

Interesting. So that’s what that sounds like. In your own time, compare it to having both ears open, and both ears closed. Also a horrible accident on Route 99 happened while I was talking about humming, and the highway is now closed in both directions until everyone feels emotionally prepared to drive again.

This has been traffic.

Oh no. I’m being told via several frantic texts from City Council that the monster is going to attack in just moments. They also sent another long string of dance emojis.

If you are the target of the monster, then the end of your life is imminent. I need you to pay close attention to the sounds of the world around you. I need you to listen for the terrible creature so close to you that its breath could easily be mistaken for a slight breeze or for a stream of air blowing from a window or a vent.

Turn around slowly in a circle. If you cannot turn, just pivot your head. Try to identify which of the sounds you hear is going to kill you. When you have heard a sound that seems most likely to kill you, stop, and face that sound. Try to keep your eyes on the apparent source of the sound. Hope that you haven’t guessed wrong. Hope that you are not moments from a fierce and sudden pain.

Actually, on the off chance that you are about to die, it’s probably best you don’t see it coming. Close your eyes. Put your other headphone on.

[audio on both sides]

Yes. We’re listening to me on both sides now. We’re going to keep our eyes closed, and wait to see if we die, and while we wait, let’s have a look at the weather.

[weather: "Plough" by Speedy Ortiz]

[audio on right]

Listeners, those who can still hear me, hey, you can still hear me. And you can still hear the world around you.

Yes, we’re back over here now. Please take the headphone of your other ear, so you can savor the sounds of the world around you, and your ability to hear them when you are not dead.

So, you were not eaten by a hidden creature watching from the shadows. A false alarm. Everything is fine.

A false alarm for you I mean. Not for Night Vale resident Wayne Ferry who was in fact the target of the creature, and was horribly devoured during our weather forecast. Blood smeared on the wall like an ancient language that can express only suffering and terror. The dank smell of the beast heavy in the air, the signs of its passage in the shattered objects, the smashed walls, and the heavy, final absence of Wayne.

So for everyone else, everything is fine. We got all worried over nothing. Whew.

I know my role. You come to me for escape, loyal listeners. To forget about the world, or not to forget about it, but to hear its dangers organized, put into a narrative framework, turned into a story that can safely end. But no matter how deeply you enter into the stories I am telling you, you can never fully escape. The world is around you. You can hear it with one of your ears right now.

Listen closely. What you are hearing is not the sound of a monster. There are no spirits in that sound. No lurking or lurkers, no stalking or stalkers, nothing hunting you. All you are hearing is the sound of the world you live in. And you can put headphones on, you can listen to my voice, but you can never fully escape that world. You are always half there, no matter where the rest of you is.

But in those sounds, in that inescapable world, there is every joy you will ever experience, every beautiful person you will ever meet, every wonderful surprise that will ever wonderfully startle you. It is the good and the bad. It is the sound of the world. A world that will kill you. But also a world that will allow you to live.

And as you exist in this world, half-hearing my half-voice, remember: you’re all right.

[fade back to center] You are allllll right.

All right Night Vale. Good night.