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You are statistically likely. Welcome to Night Vale

Today negotiations began between the representatives of the five headed dragons, led by Hadassah McDaniels and her team of lawyers, in an attempt to save her brother and fellow five headed dragon, Hiram, from execution. He is charged with the attempted murder of mayor Dana Cardinal and the attempted overthrow of city government.

We will keep you updated on the negotiations as they happen.

But first, the community calendar

On Sunday, we will be holding a parade to celebrate the fact that the world probably won’t end in the next few days.

Monday is Cloud Amnesty Day, the one day a year in which all Night Vale citizens are allowed to acknowledge and talk about clouds. Common topics of discussion include what clouds might be made of, what their intentions might be, and why talking about them can result in fines and jail time. The day will end with the usual ceremony in which the Sheriff’s Secret Police will do their best to arrest a cloud, marking the reinstatement of the cloud ban.

Of course, the only exception to this ban is the Glow Cloud, who is almighty, and gracious in its cruelty. All hail, as everyone in town says every day at the exact moment of midnight.

Tuesday, Gino’s Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar will be closed for a private event. This private event will be a celebration of Bart Mantegna’s 60th birthday. Bart is only 2 days old, so the private celebration will last just short of sixty years. Gino’s Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar will back to regular business once it is over. Happy early 60th, Bart!

Wednesday is now only available to paid subscribers. Please join the Days of the Week Membership program to receive this member exclusive day.

Thursday is Take Work To Your Daughter Day. Gather up all your co-workers, the furniture and appliances that make up your workspace, all the petty office politics and backroom bickering, the contents of the supply closet, the structure of the supply closet, the entire building that houses your work, and bring it all, piece by piece, to your daughter, and then reassemble it for her, saying “See? See?” over and over as she, gape-mouthed, watches your work transplanted monstrously into a place it was never meant to be. Be sure to send us cute pictures of her weeping over what you have done.

Friday, the Museum of Forbidden Technologies will be opening its newest exhibit: Lie Detectors! A hands on, interactive, and completely mandatory exhibition organized by a Vague but Menacing Government Agency. Remember, if you have nothing to hide, then you haven’t confessed yet. We will break you. Children and anyone with an implanted government monitoring chip gets half off admission.

This has been the Community Calendar.

The first round of negotiations over the fate of Hiram McDaniels continues today at City Hall. Not much progress has been made. Mayor Cardinal called a press conference to deliver the following update.

DANA: People of Night Vale, I entered these negotiations to represent you. So much of my job now is to bury myself, my own feelings, and thoughts, and opinions, and instead act as a proxy for all Night Vale citizens, to do what I think you might want, or what is best for you. So here I am, all of Night Vale in one fragile body, entering into conversation with several towering five headed dragons. This is just scene setting, I suppose. This is just me letting you know the situation I am in.

The argument from Hadassah and her lead negotiator, Miriam, is that Hiram is a sovereign citizen of their world, a world ruled by five headed dragons. And so, he must be taken back to their world for trial and punishment under their own justice system. It seems odd that they would send Hiram’s own sister as a representative of that justice system, but who am I? As we discussed before, in many ways I am no one. I am all of you. I listen politely. I nod.

Now I will return to this negotiation, the ears of Night Vale, the mouth of Night Vale, the collective head of Night Vale, nodding and listening and talking. More soon from me, from all of us.

CECIL: There were no follow up questions as the reporters began kissing one another, dispassionately at first, but with a growing claustrophobic panic a few moments later as they were unable to stop. Many were heard grunting, their eyes bulging in terror as their arms, against their own desires, began clawing and clutching one another in deep embraces, their lips locked, tongues pressing behind others’ teeth, and noses smashing into cheeks.

In other news:

Here is what we know: The spacecraft is ten miles in diameter. It floats three miles up.

Here is what we know: It is translucent blue, lit from within. It radiates heat, but is far enough away that the heat is reduced to warmth.

Here is what we know: The spacecraft is beautiful. Beautiful like industrial waste pouring neon over a barren, dead landscape is beautiful.

Here is what we know: Our landscape is not barren or dead. It is just dry.

Here is what we know: The landscape around Night Vale is many landscapes, different depending on viewing angle and time of day. Now a wall of searing sunlight and hot sand, now a carpet rolling away into an inviting distance. This is not any sort of mystical thing. This is just how landscapes work.

Here is what we know: The spacecraft has intentions.

Here is what we don’t know: What those intentions are.

Here is what we don’t know: What we will do next. What anyone will do next. What next.

Here is what we know: The spacecraft is ten miles in diameter. It floats three miles up. Three miles below it, there is us, knowing almost nothing at all.

This has been the news.

In other community news, local star reader, and commander of an armed militia, Tamika Flynn, turns 16 years old today. To celebrate, Tamika asked to read a statement to our radio audience. And who am I to turn down such a bright young woman with such a powerful and violent army backing her? She truly terrifies me. Let’s throw it to Tamika.

TAMIKA: Night Vale, today is my birthday. In many ways, this milestone is meaningless. Time passes incessantly, not annually. I am always older than I was, always more knowledgeable and experienced. Every day I have more memories than I did the day before. But our culture tells me this day means something, and so, fine, I will make it mean something.

I have spent my morning in quiet contemplation, reading our culture’s great religious texts, like The Wizard of Earthsea, and the collected fictions of Borges. I know now the path forward.

From this day on, I am no longer the teen leader of an armed teen militia. I am the leader, no adjective, of a militia with only one adjective: armed. I am no longer content with being a curiosity, or a good local story, or even just a teen. I want responsibility and respect, and I believe I have earned them.

I do not ask for a place in Night Vale hierarchy. I demand it. Or even more, I take it without waiting for permission.

And so, it is with great pleasure, and without leaving any room for dissent or protest, that I hereby appoint myself to City Council. If the multi-bodied being or beings that make up the current city council would like to discuss this appointment, I will be waiting for them with the full force of my militia out on the sandwastes. If not, I will see you at the next meeting. Leave a chair open for me. Or else. You wouldn’t be the first municipal monster I’ve taken on. You can’t see me, but I’m pointing at the librarian I’ve had stuffed and mounted. It was difficult to get the tentacles just right, but my taxidermist Regina did an exquisite job.

And to Night Vale, from your newest and youngest city appointee: I will fight for you. After all, what else is an armed militia for?

Thanks for all your birthday wishes. Happy birthday to you all as well. On this day, all of us are older. Let’s celebrate that with cake.

CECIL: Wow, an unexpected development from Tamika Flynn. City Council has responded by running up the walls of their chamber and yowling like cats, but they seem disinclined to take up her offer of confrontation and so it seems we have a new member of the City Council for the first time, well, ever. My best to Councilwoman Flynn.

Simone Rigaudeau, the transient who lives in the Earth Sciences Building of the Night Vale community college, is reopening classes, which have not been offered in that department since 1983. The curriculum will be modified slightly from the original Earth Sciences program, removing courses such as Elementary Oceanography and Environmental Geology, to make room for new coursework including “1983: The Year The World Ended Question Mark” and “Clear and Distant Danger: The Terrible Mysteries of the Distant Prince” and one course that’s title is the emoji of a silhouette of a woman, an emoji of a map of Italy, and an emoji of an innocent human being living within a perpetual waking nightmare, never able to escape.

It’s good to see education embraced once again in the Earth Sciences Building. You know, it’s been a fair bit of time since I went to college. Maybe I’ll take a few of these just for my own self improvement. Education doesn’t stop when you’re a grown-up you know. And re-education never stops as long as you don’t perfectly echo the City Council and World Government’s policies and dictates.

Update from City Hall. It appears that negotiations are breaking down. Also possibly City Hall itself, as the building is shaking and smoke is pouring from several of its windows. Mayor Cardinal is leaning out of one of those windows, and is giving a statement. We go now to that statement.

DANA: Whew. Well. It’s not going great in here, obviously.

They want us to send Hiram back to his own world to be tried and punished under their own laws for attempting to violently overthrow Night Vale’s government. So I asked them, well, what’s the punishment for that over in five headed dragon world?

And Miriam said, “Nothing. That’s just how governments change. You don’t punish someone for doing their civic duty by throwing a coup or assassinating a head of state. What you do is give them a sticker with a flag on it and the words ‘I Overthrew!’ so that everyone will know that you are a good citizen who participates in important civic responsibilities.”

I told them I wasn’t about to send Hiram back to just get a sticker, and then Hadassah jumped in and said that if I didn’t send Hiram back, then she might be earning a sticker of her own.

Remember, citizens, in that room I am not me. I am you. I am us. And Hadassah was threatening us. So I told her: You are not the first five headed dragon to threaten me or to threaten my town. It didn’t go well for the last one. It will go even worse for you.

Which is all to say that the negotiations are going fine. I mean, Hadassah threatened to level the city, but I think that’s just what’s called a “negotiating ploy”. I wouldn’t worry about it. Overall, I’m pretty calm about most things. The stress of this job would be unbearable otherwise.

Hey! Knock that off! Hold on.

CECIL: Listeners, it appears that Hadassah is making good on her threat. She is tearing at City Hall and, oh no…City Hall has collapsed. The enormous dragons are shrugging off the wreckage like so much particles of dust and are now advancing on the rest of Night Vale. Negotiations are going poorly. Negotiations are going very poorly. The weather is nice though. Let’s hear about that.

[WEATHER: "A Trip Out" by British Sea Power]

DANA: Thank you for your patience Night Vale. I know things were scary there for a moment, but I hope you held on to your trust in me.

Hadassah and her dragons have leveled most of the city. Entire neighborhoods reduced to a smolderscape, smoke and rock. Schools, hospitals, nothing was safe. Everything was destroyed.

But, as I suspected, the whole thing was just a negotiating ploy, and I held firm. So it’s all fine. We’re back at the table, and talking again. We are, unfortunately, no farther along than we were at the start, but now they understand that I am a formidable negotiator, and not one they can scare with cheap tactics like destroying every building in our city.

Anyway, our busy local contractors will get right to work rebuilding everything. They have a lot of practice since of course some threat or the other destroys most of the town once or twice a month.

In the meantime, I am you. We are all us. And we are going back to that negotiating table. And Hiram McDaniels is going nowhere at all.

CECIL: A great statement from our great mayor.

Hiram, the subject of all of this back and forth, said only that he’s not worried at all, that everything is under control, and then four out of five of his heads winked.

The rest of us, the rest of town, moved on with our lives. The problem wasn’t solved, but most problems don’t get solved. Generally we just do our best to mitigate the problem, and if it can’t be mitigated then it can be relegated to a background noise by pleasant distractions and a prioritization of interests.

We live with hearts that can just stop working at any moment, and yet we still lie in hammocks sometimes, or watch a sitcom, or stare at a spot on the wall, thinking of many things, none of them having anything to do with the spot on the wall.

Herds of grazing creatures are routinely attacked by predators, but when the attack is over, you know what they do? They go back to eating grass. Let us all, metaphorically, go back to eating grass. Or, if you are a member of the Rotary Club, you can go back to literally eating grass, as usual.

Best to just ignore danger until it’s too late. The end will be the same, but the experience along the way will be far more pleasant.

Stay tuned next for a pilot turning to her co-pilot and saying “let’s see what this baby can do.”

Good night, Night Vale. Good Night.