KEVIN: We all have to start somewhere. We all have to end somewhere too, but let’s concentrate on the other thing. Welcome to... well... hrmm. Welcome to a Desert Otherworld.

#####

We should come up with a better name for this place. Names are, after all, extremely important.

Hi I'm your radio host, Kevin. I'm speaking to you from our brand new station, and this is our inaugural broadcast. I'm so excited to be back on the air. I'm not sure we have any listeners, yet, but we will. We will.

Later in the show we'll be talking to Doug and Alicia, leaders of the army of masked giants who roam this desert and who have been instrumental in building our new city. They’ve been so welcoming to us outsiders. Not all outsiders, though. They are, after all, a violent and territorial army, but some outsiders. People like me, and like my friend Carlos. He's a scientist. He's a beautiful man who does beautiful things. I have Carlos on the phone with us right now, with some breaking news. Carlos, tell everyone about the huge project you’ve been working on this past year.

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CARLOS: Hi Kevin. Thanks for having me on the show. First off, Doug and Alicia are here in my kitchen. Alicia built a refrigerator from some cactus pads, twine and three different kinds of birds, and now they're making a bunch of pasta salad for lunch this week. They’ll save some for you, if you'd like.

KEVIN: How delightful! I'm totally disgusted by pasta salad. Can't stand the taste or the smell. In fact, to look at it causes me to heave. But thank you, that’s so kind.

CARLOS: Right. So this new experiment - and I have to tell you, I'm really excited about it. You know how our cell phones always work in this desert otherworld even though there are no towers and how they never seem to run out of battery?

KEVIN: Yes, I love taking these facts for granted!

CARLOS: Well I'm on the verge of uncovering what's causing that. Here in my laboratory - which Doug and Alicia and one of the soldiers whose name is [VOCAL FRY] built for me! - I’ve been hard at work, pacing about in front of a row of conical flasks, beakers and Y-tubes, furiously writing Greek letters and Arabic numbers, and I think later today I will make an enormous breakthrough.

KEVIN: What did you find out?

CARLOS: I can't say yet. I'm just waiting on my computer to finish calculating the-

KEVIN: Everything okay?

CARLOS: I don't know. Alicia and Doug look really agitated. They're jumping up and down by the window. The other giant soldiers are running into formation outside. I need to see what’s wrong.

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KEVIN: While Carlos checks on our favorite soldiers, let's get an update now on the roller coaster inhabitants. I’m referring to the roller coaster Doug and Alicia built for our new town months ago. It looks terribly fun. It has a tall first hill and a 90 degree drop off that is almost 600 feet, I am told, and then it goes into a series of loops and turns, and figure eights. Then some spirals where the riders go upside down several times per second. And then there's a sheet of flames that as you approach, it looks like you're about to go right through the fire, but at the last second, the track spirals again and you go through the fire upside down!

Anyway, it's an exciting-looking ride. I haven't been on it yet. That's because after they started it on it's first trip, they haven't been able to stop it. They didn't invent brakes, so that's an issue. And even though they cut the power to the ride, it’s still going with the same passengers caught in an interminable cycle of fun.

#####

Oh, we have Carlos back on the line again. Carlos?

CARLOS: Doug and Alicia are gone. It turns out the commotion was over another army marching along the horizon. Doug and Alicia ran screaming around the house and though the kitchen, overturning my cutting board and grabbing their weapons. Alicia took my chef's knife and Doug made a makeshift slughorn out of one of my large funnels so that he could call their army to action.

KEVIN: Good for them. Protecting our community.

CARLOS: No, but, I was trying to explain that the other army was marching perpendicular to us. They were not marching toward us. This desert is filled with small armies always marching in different directions. We can't attack them all for no reason. And now my kitchen counter is demolished.

KEVIN: Oh it'll grow back. So, I'm so excited to learn more about your research into the strange properties of this region. I think you once called this desert otherworld "the most scientifically interesting community in the US"

CARLOS: Well, no, my exact words were---

KEVIN: So when do you expect the results? Sounds like whatever you come up with could possibly be a monumental shift in how we perceive thermodynamic laws.

CARLOS: I'm at my lab right now hunched over my computer waiting for it to complete its final report. Then comparing its results to my thousands of handwritten notes from the past year, I believe I can pinpoint the exact source of this desert's energy. It shouldn’t be long. Please don’t rush me.

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KEVIN: Great. Let us know soon, though. While Carlos does that, perhaps I can tell you all a little bit about our new radio station - take you on an audio tour if you will. We have a tall broadcast tower made of stones and adobe. Those zig-zaggy electrical bolts visibly shooting outward from the top of the tower? Those are actual radio waves!

Inside the building itself, we have a small broadcast booth with a couple of new mics. Some of the members of the masked army of giants helped me decorate my studio, too. It was so empty and bloodless before. It required a lot of lizards and rodents, but it's finally starting to feel like home.

I've got a producer's booth just off to my right. I can see my old intern Vanessa in there. Hi Vanessa! We're a bit understaffed, so Vanessa has been having to act as my producer as well as head of sales and marketing and even answering phones. Good thing she has a doppelgänger to help out! Most people kill their double, but that's such a waste of a good opportunity. The more the merrier the more productive, I say.

Oh, and we’re hiring right now. If you have experience in any of the following areas - ad sales, graphic design, office management, entomology, Fortran programming, falconry, or sports law - please send your resume to “Radio Station c/o Kevin”. We have no postal service in the desert otherworld, nor any mailboxes, so it’s important that you carefully reread The Secret by Rhonda Byrne in order to wish your resume into my office.

#####

Sounds like Carlos is back on the line now. Did you get the results from your-

CARLOS: Doug and Alicia are back.

KEVIN: Oh good. So wonderful to have dear friends around to be a part of your brilliant achievement.

CARLOS: They are in no condition to celebrate the great strides of scientific study right now. Most of the army returned from fighting but there are more than a dozen who did not. Alicia lost two fingers, and Doug is bleeding quite badly because of a compound fracture in his forearm.

Everyone who returned is in treatable condition. I believe they'll be fine, but they're wounded and need lots of rest [off mic, as if shouting to people in the room] AND NO MORE FIGHTING FOR A LONG TIME. [back to phone] It's a mess over here.

KEVIN: Good thing they have such a good and helpful friend in you. So tell us about your study on the strange energy here in the desert.

CARLOS: I can't yet. The army came in so quickly, dropping their weapons everywhere along with some detached limbs that I don't even think belong to them. And all of my journals, which I had left out and open on my desk have been rendered unusable. There are broken beakers and blood-soaked composition notebooks everywhere. I don't even know where to begin cleaning up all of this blood.

KEVIN: [slightly pleased sound]

CARLOS: I'm sorry did you say something?

KEVIN: Nope. I just like your story. Carry on.

CARLOS: [off mic] DOUG! DOUG! Come back. [on mic] Kevin, I have to go. Doug just constructed a makeshift splint out of rocks and snakes. He grabbed his axe and ran out the door. And there goes Alicia. [off mic] Stop going to war! You need rest! [on mic] Call you back, Kevin. They can’t go on like this.

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KEVIN: Listeners, I'm getting word of strong winds out of the east, stirring up dust devils and hurling plant debris and weak-willed animals through the air. This is a rare sunless day for our otherworld desert. While Carlos tries to get his notes unbloodied, let's have a closer look at the Weather.

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WEATHER: "Pyramid" by Jason Webley http://jasonwebley.com

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Wow, that weather report was informative. I had no idea how dangerous a storm that was until I heard that report. To be a radio broadcaster who gets to tell stories about things that make us unhappy thrills me to my bones. Because by telling people about all that can make us unhappy, I prepare them to truly enjoy those happy moments when they come.

Once, my hometown of Desert Bluffs had a deadly outbreak of throat spiders. Hundreds were diagnosed with this usually treatable disease, but it was a particularly virulent strain and many people died or were left without voices and lower jaws when it was all over. Almost a day wouldn't go by where you didn't hear a fit of strenuous coughing punctuated by a muffled pop, only to turn around and see a cascade of tiny spiders pouring over the craggy ledge that used to be a person’s lower teeth.

Each day I got to report these upsetting stories, but the best part about it was when Desert Bluffs residents eventually stopped losing part of their faces to throat spiders, and we all rejoiced in our newly healthy and happy lives. As the saying goes: It's always dawn.

Oh, and speaking of sunshine, Carlos just arrived here, live in the studio with me. Carlos, did you go out in this weather? You're covered in dust and those look like friction burns in the shape of lab goggles on your face. Are you okay? Did Doug and Alicia make it back?

CARLOS: Not yet... They... What's this all over your studio? Is that barbecue sauce?

KEVIN: Oh that? That's just blood. And some old bones and loose teeth and beaks and things. I finally decorated. Thanks for noticing. And I just noticed you have a piece of paper in your hand. That must be your final report! Look at how we both notice things about each other! I love that!

CARLOS: I... I ... Well...

KEVIN: You sound sad, which is great news because it means you'll be happy again eventually. It's a tough day, what with all the weather and the wars and the blood. But your boyfriend will soon be moving from Night Vale to come live here with you.

CARLOS: Well, about that….

KEVIN: And. AND! You finally have the scientific results of your hard scientific work.

CARLOS: I don't. I don't have results, Kevin. When the army marched out again, I went back to trying to recover my notes. I had just gotten the lab desktops clean when Alicia's large dog bounded through the lab and out the front door, sending every glass tube and jar crashing onto the floor. When I bent over to see the damage, I saw my computer there too, on the tile, snapped nearly in half, a tuft of white fur covering the keyboard, singed slightly by the smoke streaking out of the broken monitor. I lost it all, Kevin. My entire year of study is gone.

KEVIN: What's the paper then? Did you at least learn some of your results?

CARLOS: This is nothing. It's just a letter I wrote to a… to a friend.

KEVIN: Oh I love letters! Letters are so fun to receive!

CARLOS: Not this one. It's a sad letter. A letter about regrets. About mistakes. You know how sometimes you spend a lot of time with someone and you think that someone makes you happy, but then suddenly, one day, you realize maybe you weren’t happy at all. Maybe you both would be better off doing what you love, in different places. Without each other. Maybe neither of you were as happy as either of you thought.

KEVIN: That is a sad-sounding letter. I don't understand or like that at all.

CARLOS: I have spent the last year all wrong.

KEVIN: I believe in you, Carlos. Don’t let destruction, blood and war hold you back. You’re a brilliant scientist.

CARLOS: I realize I need to start everything over. Rededicate myself. I need to do it right this time. No more distractions. I can’t spend another year like this one. So, It pains me to carry this letter, but I wrote it to set my boundaries.

KEVIN: So you know, there's no postal service here yet.

CARLOS: I know. That’s why I’m hand-delivering it.

KEVIN: Remember, no one should ever be sad. Choose not to be sad, Carlos. In fact, choose to be happy. Perhaps your letter is the first step to choosing happiness, even while it makes someone else sad.

CARLOS: I understand. Listen. I should go. I'm headed to Night Vale one final time. I need to talk to Cecil about… well about some changes.

Thanks for everything, Kevin. You’ve been so kind to me in this difficult year.

#####

KEVIN: Goodbye, Carlos. Well, it's a shame that our huge scientific breakthrough didn't quite happen today. As the old phrase goes, "the best laid plans of mice and men are completely different kinds of plans all together. Very different creatures, those two."

But it's not a total wash, our next show should feature spine-tingling adventure stories about today's desert battles.

We have so much to do, us. So much to explore and understand. So much to make here in our great desert otherworld. Say, we really do need a name for this place. Things without names don’t really exist.

So, I'm going to call this...well... I’m going to call it Desert Bluffs. Desert Bluffs was the name of my home town, and by naming it Desert Bluffs, this place becomes my new home town. We are in my home. We are in Desert Bluffs, no matter where we are in space or time. What is a town but a name, right?

Until next time, new Desert--

Oh! It looks like Carlos left behind that letter he was supposed to hand deliver. I better not read it. No. better not.

Until next time, new Desert Bluffs, until next time.

[sound of paper slowly opening; kevin reads carlos' letter explaining he's never returning to this desert otherworld, leaving kevin all alone; away from mic]

Oh. Oh no. This is so sad. No. I don’t like this. I am sad. No. No.

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PROVERB: A rose by any other name is called something else.