Cook a feast no family could fully eat. Recite prayers no family could fully believe. And acknowledge a frightful history no family could fully comprehend. Welcome to Night Vale.

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CECIL: We have a treat for you today, Night Vale: a Thanksgiving edition of Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan. Our guest, of course, is Earl Harlan, sous chef at Night Vale's most celebrated restaurant, Tourniquet. Thanks for being here, Earl.

EARL: Thanks for having me on, Cecil.

CECIL: Earl's going to be talking us through preparing and cooking a basic Thanksgiving meal. I know a lot of you out there have your ancient family recipes still on their original cave walls, but Earl might have some new techniques to help you spice up those old dishes. And there are a lot of people, like Carlos and me, who have never cooked, or even seen, a Thanksgiving turkey. It's intimidating. Where do we begin, Earl?

EARL: It doesn't have to be intimidating. On today's show, I'll walk you through the 5 easy steps for the perfect Thanksgiving turkey: Kill, Clean, Gut, Stuff, and Cook. Also some essential dishes like mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.

CECIL: That sounds great Earl. But before we get started, let's get a news update about the Trial of Hiram McDaniels.

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Things are coming along in Night Vale's Trial of the Century. Judge Siobhan Azdak has been assigned this case. Siobhan is not actually a judge. She's a theater writer for the Night Vale Daily Journal. But given that Night Vale has never had a trial, we just didn't have many judges around. Since Siobhan has such a nuanced understanding of contemporary stage craft, but with an acerbic and unforgiving critical voice, she seemed a pretty good fit for deciding the fates of likely criminals, which is who she'd be dealing with. I mean, what innocent person gets arrested and brought to trial? No innocent person I've ever heard of.

Hiram McDaniels, a literal five-headed dragon, has been charged with the attempted murder of current mayor Dana Cardinal, as well as conspiracy, assault, and willful destruction of private property. The trial will be held just as soon as they can find a jury of Hiram's peers. So far they have found a salamander, but it's tiny and cannot speak human languages, let alone hold still long enough to listen to the lawyers discuss jury selections. Also it's an amphibian, not a reptile, so that's pretty insensitive.

They did find another five-headed dragon available to serve on a jury, but it turns out she is Hiram's sister Hadassah, and she was none too happy to be called in for jury duty, let alone at her brother's trial. The prosecuting attorney, Troy Walsh, has been toying around with the idea of just dressing people up like dragons, so that Hiram feels like he's getting a fair trial. This seems like the most equitable thing to do, since everyone knows that justice is less about what the law says and more about how everyone feels about it.

More on the Trial of the Century as events develop. Now let's get right back to Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan.

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EARL: Thanks Cecil. So let's cook a turkey. First step: find a turkey and kill it.

CECIL: Yum.

EARL: I shot mine. But you can use a knife, a bow and arrow, a heavy wrench, your teeth, whatever is easiest for you.

The next step is to clean your bird. Pluck all of the feathers from its lifeless corpse. Cut off its head and all six of its hooves. (Adventurous culinary experts out there could pickle those hooves and serve them with ice cream for a traditional Svitzish dessert!)

Next, gut the turkey. Don't be intimidated by the stench. Just stick your knife deep into its belly and allow everything to pour out onto the floor. You won't need any of that mess.

CECIL: My mother actually used to cook turkey organs for us. She said they were called giblets.

EARL: Your mother lied to you Cecil.

CECIL: Then what was she feeding us?

EARL: Let's stuff this turkey. What do you say?

CECIL: Okay.

EARL: I used to make my stuffing from stale bread, but since wheat & wheat by-products can turn into snakes and kill you, I just take old newspapers, wad them up, and shove them into the turkey. They absorb most of the bird's toxic fluids. So same result really.

After the stuffing, throw in some seasoning like salt & pepper, thyme, sage, a fistful of grass, anything you find lying around. Just put it in a pile on top of the turkey and slide it into the oven.

While you're waiting for it to cook, maybe catch a football game on television.

I plan on watching some games this year with my son, Roger. Last Thanksgiving we watched football together, but at the time, I had just come into awareness of myself as an adult, and suddenly had this son that I didn’t know at all, so I didn't know his name. It was awkward. Plus, neither of us had heard of football, let alone it's byzantine laws and restrictions on dancing. We both sat silently waiting for it to be over, wanting to speak to each other, unable to find the words.

CECIL: Not talking can be a blessing, Earl. Thanksgiving day football games are my favorite, because my brother-in-law doesn't talk to me for hours. Carlos likes watching the big parade, but I don't deal well with gore, so I cover my eyes and have him describe to me how they all die.

EARL: I'm trying to build family traditions with Roger. I'm trying to build anything with Roger.

CECIL: Fun! And hey, I remembered to rent an oven for your appearance this time, Earl. Now, you already prepared our turkey before the broadcast today. It's cooking right now low and slow at 675 degrees. I can't wait to taste it.

But first a public service announcement:

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The Night Vale Parks Department would like to remind you that bears are dangerous animals, and you should stay away from them. Conversely, bears are also adorable, so it's hard to want to stay too far away. The Night Vale Parks Department understands bears look like they want hugs, and maybe they do want hugs. Maybe a hug would be just the thing to calm down their aggressive side. Who knows? In fact, the rangers over at the Parks Department are split right down the middle as to whether bears are dangerous or cute.

According to the new Parks Department brochure on wilderness safety: "It's tough to say. I dunno. Try hugging a bear. See what happens."

EARL: What a weird brochure. Bears are dangerous animals. No one should ever hug-

CECIL: Let's not argue, Earl.

[beat]

This has been a public service announcement created by the Night Vale Parks Department and paid for by a bunch of bears that pooled their money and bought some air time.

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Let's talk now about the ultimate Thanksgiving side: mashed potatoes.

EARL: Right. Mashed potatoes are a simple dish in concept, but they take skill to master. A lot of people think they only need to mix potatoes, stock, butter, and cream. But there's so much more to it than that!

CECIL: Really? I've been using that standard recipe for years. It seems fine.

EARL: Oh, but, Cecil. It could be so much better. For instance, you could cook those potatoes for about 45 to 60 minutes to really soften them up. A raw potato is quite hard to mash, let alone chew.

CECIL: I never thought about that.

EARL: People also forget to take the butter out of its wax paper or foil wrapping. You should definitely unwrap your butter before using it. Also make sure your cream is fresh. You don't want to use any heavy cream older than, say, 6 months.

CECIL: Amazing. I would have never thought of any of this.

EARL: And listen, salt and pepper are fine for mashed potato seasoning, but if you really want to step your dish up a notch, really have your family clamoring about your kitchen skills, then let me tell you my secret spice mix.

CECIL: What is it, Earl?

EARL: I use slightly *more* salt and a little extra pepper. Just a tad.

CECIL: Amazing.

EARL: Then you just put it all in a pot and mash it with your feet until it's warm enough to serve.

You know, I made this dish recently for me and Roger?

CECIL: Did he love it?

EARL: I couldn't tell. He ate it and then said "thanks, um" and then I said "dad" and he said "okay" and he went to bed.

CECIL: How sweet.

EARL: Lately I've noticed he wakes up in the middle of the night and just walks. I got up and quietly followed him one night. He walked out of the house and into the neighborhood. He walked down each street in our subdivision, never backtracking or walking the same street twice. He didn't stop or look at anything. He just walked in the darkness. Once a hooded figure passed him but neither of them acknowledged each other. The hooded figure saw me for sure, but I think they also saw that I was just a concerned father and was not interested in spying on any of their secretive activities. The hooded figure nodded and let me pass.

CECIL: And Roger came home after that?

EARL: Yep, he walks each street, each night in a different pattern, and then returns to bed.

CECIL: Quite an adventurous kiddo you have there. Let's pause now for a word from today's sponsor. With that, here's Deb, a sentient patch of haze.

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DEB: Hello human listeners. Today's show is proudly sponsored by Corn. It's almost Thanksgiving, after all. And you wouldn't have Thanksgiving without Corn. Thanksgiving is America's holiday. Corn is America's crop, America's lifeblood. You can't live without corn. If we didn't have corn, we wouldn't have tortillas, or syrup, or soft drinks. Without corn, we wouldn't have dogs or cars. We wouldn't even have a moon. Everything is made of corn. Lifeblood. Listen to your heartbeat. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzT! You hear that heartbeat of yours? I'm a patch of haze. I don't know what a heartbeat sounds like, but this is what I imagine it sounds like. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzT! That sound in your chest is corn, my friend. All of that corn, pumping through your delicate, mortal veins. You didn't choose how you got here. Neither did Corn. You are both products of free market and overpopulation.

Corn. Eat it.

This message brought to you by the Corn and Imaginary Corn Farmers of America.

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CECIL: Thanks Deb.

EARL: It's really humid in here.

CECIL: That's Deb for you. Well, speaking of corn, that brings us to my favorite Thanksgiving dish: cranberry sauce.

EARL: A lot of people look down on canned cranberry sauce. But don't be so quick to judge. It's inexpensive, easy to store, and with the right preparation you can elevate this plain can of red gelatin into the most talked-about dish on the table.

CECIL: Great news. I have an entire cupboard full of canned cranberry sauce. I'm looking forward to hearing what I'm supposed to do with it.

[beat]

Earl?

EARL: I found Roger one evening in the cupboard. He was just sitting there. He wasn't hiding or crying. I asked him what he was doing and he shrugged his shoulders. I asked him if he was all right, and he said "sure."

CECIL: Tell me. How is he doing in school?

EARL: It's been up and down. There's no record of his birth or his existence prior to last fall. I don't know of any birthmother and he has no memories prior to showing up at my house for the first time a little over a year ago. The school has let him enroll and take classes despite his lack of paperwork. He gets along with most kids okay, but some tease him and call him names like "Ghost Child" and "Zombie Kid" because his skin is grayish and decaying, and he is nearly transparent.

CECIL: Ouch. Kids can be cruel.

EARL: He's really good in class, though. He's still in elementary school, because he looks about eight or nine. But his teacher Ms. Blackwell said he has adult-level reading and math skills, so we're trying to get him more advanced material. He's been reading Immanuel Kant for a book report.

CECIL: Roger's such a bright kid. You're a good father, Earl. You know that, right?

EARL: I have no idea what he's thinking. I try to talk to him, but he seems... distant? bored?

CECIL: He's a child. It's difficult, I imagine, for what is essentially an adopted child to-

EARL: He's not adopted though. He looks just like me Cecil. See, here's a photo of him. And one of me when I was a child.

CECIL: Oh wow. You two are identical. When was this photo taken of you? Is that a steam locomotive in the backg-

EARL: AAAH! Fire!

CECIL: Oh my. Listeners, it appears our oven has caught fire. Where's that extinguisher?

EARL: Here! Here!

CECIL: *coughs* Where are you? Earl? There's so much smoke. Listeners, while I find Earl, let me take you all to the weather.

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WEATHER: "Autumn's Echo" by Stripmall Architecture

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CECIL: Well, our turkey has finished cooking, and you've laid out a whole Thanksgiving spread for us here Earl. It looks delectable.

EARL: Yeah, the turkey came out perfectly. Once the oven catches fire, that's when you know it's time to take out your bird and dig in.

CECIL: Let me start by tasting the cranberry sauce. [takes bite] Oh so good. It's got that perfect balance of tart and sugary sweetness I like. Plus the crunch of the frozen corn mixed in just gives this gooey dish a delightfully complex texture.

EARL: I also recommend mixing in a handful of bay leaves at the end.

CECIL: Yum! And now lets try these "Earl Harlan Special" mashed potatoes. [takes bite] Mmm... so buttery and warm, like the skin on the bottom of a human foot.

EARL: And don't forget my secret spice mix.

CECIL: I've already forgotten. Let's move on to the crown jewel of Thanksgiving dinner: the turkey. Tell us about this masterpiece, Earl.

EARL: Turkey is easier than you think, listeners. Don't be intimidated. I shot this bird, drained its blood, tore all of its feathers off, removed its organs, and cut off its head and feet. Then I stuffed things into its dead body and put it in an oven.

CECIL: Let's give it a taste [loud crunching, like crushing gravel?] Mmm.. So... Okay... Huh.

EARL: That's so nice of you to say, Cecil. This show has meant a lot to me today. I've been having a tough - well, a complicated year - and cooking has brought be so much joy - well, distraction. It's a real pleasure getting to spend time with you and your listeners.

CECIL: Earl, come over to our place for Thanksgiving.

EARL: I- No.

CECIL: Yes, please. Carlos and I would love to have you and Roger -

EARL: Who?

CECIL: your son.

EARL: Right. Right.

CECIL: We'd love to have you two over. My sister and her husband are coming. Plus, my niece Janice will be there, so that would be someone Roger could talk to and play with.

EARL: I don't want to intrude. Can you even fit that many people?

CECIL: Of course. Plus, Carlos and I will do the cooking. No working for you this holiday.

EARL: Cecil, I don't know what to say.

CECIL: Actually, we might need a hand with the cranberry sauce. I have over 20 cans of the stuff I need to prepare. But other than that, you and Roger just sit back and try to understand the point of football. Maybe even have Carlos describe the torture scenes from the parade to you both. Keep Steve occupied and out of the kitchen while I'm cooking.

EARL: Thank you, Cecil.

CECIL: You're welcome. I can't wait to try out all these new recipes. I'm going to go out and assassinate a turkey right after the broadcast today, I'm that excited.

Listeners, thanks again for tuning in and thanks to Earl Harlan of the restaurant Tourniquet for these helpful cooking tips. Stay tuned next for a nearly exact repeat of this same show, but with the addition of one extra word that changes the meaning of everything.

And as always, good night Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: If a car flashes its brights at you, it's probably a gang. And if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you a cake. It's a cake gang.